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Original poster

To be so.annoyed dd breaking rules

100 replies

BedofRoses88 · 13/01/2021 07:27

I'm at the end of my tether with dd aged 16. She's refusing to stay in the house on an evening and goes out to meet friends. There's about 5 or 6 of them and they are mostly outside but last night went into someone's house and this isn't the first time. Dd is physically bigger than me and I cannot stop her going out of the house. It started with her meeting a mate outdoors for a walk round which I was fine with but now they all meet up and she comes back late. I've told her how bad things are, stressed the risk and danger she is putting us all in and she stayed in for 2 nights but then mates are constantly on at her to come out so she does. The day she didn't go out she ignored the calls and had 37 missed calls from 1 person. I get that it's hard for teens. She's not in any form of education as her college course went tits up and barely works at her part time job as not needed in lockdiwn.
I'm tempted to report her myself next time she's out but don't think I could bring myself to. Is there anyone else who is struggling with a difficult teen?

OP posts:
JinxandBinx · 13/01/2021 07:36

Not a parent, but the 37 missed calls from 1 person sounds extreme, is this normal for 16 year olds?

mummyof4kids · 13/01/2021 07:52

I have 2 teen girls 13 and 16.
Luckily they've stayed at home and kept to the rules, don't get me wrong they've moaned, complained and whined about it. My 13 year old is the one who'd be more likely to go out but as my mum is clinically extremely vulnerable and lives alone and part of our bubble I reinforce the message that if she was to pick it up and pass it to my mum then the consequences would be disastrous. Luckily she's listened.
In regards to your daughter I'd tell her she's not allowed out unless it's exercise with one person. If she chooses to ignore you I'd tell her I'll report her. It's rife amongst teenagers and a lot don't have symptoms. She needs to think about other people she'll come into contact with

MarieG10 · 13/01/2021 07:56

My daughter has abided by the rules and has been very studious with the remote learning thankfully (school,p are excellent with video lessons). However, she does show me a lot of a Snapchat pics and videos of other kids her age all out and in others houses..no social distancing at all and partly makes me think they would be better in school than in each other's houses in large numbers. Prob one reason why numbers of infections not declining

cansu · 13/01/2021 07:59

All you can do is show her some of the news clips on the ICUs and ask her how she will feel if it was her or her family member in ICU.

Totallydefeated · 13/01/2021 08:00

Gosh, 37 calls sounds pretty harassing. With pressure like that it’ll be difficult to say no to going in houses. Can you threaten to report her? I realise this’ll go down like a lead balloon, but not sure what else you can do, unless you speak to the other parents to make sure nobody is allowing them inside?

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 13/01/2021 08:01

either report her, or ask her to start planning how she is going to finance living independently, and give her a notice date to get out.

AlwaysCheddar · 13/01/2021 08:01

Her friends sound nuts. She needs to stay the hell at home, they all do.

cansu · 13/01/2021 08:03

I think MarieG10 it shows why schools were fighting a losing battle to keep infection out. If parents can't or won't stop their kids socialising then all the school's efforts were in vain. I think it also gives us an idea at what the kids were like at break and lunch time in secondary schools. Perhaps what we should have been doing is having very hard hitting films about ICU and covid shown to teens in school in the early days in the hope that they might take some notice. I think the govment's messaging on schools that schools are safe and young people are not affected has had a very negative impact on public health as some young people think that covid is not something for them to worry about.

ToastieSnowy · 13/01/2021 08:03

I’d start with the 37 calls in one day. That’s a lot of peer pressure she’s under.

Sparklfairy · 13/01/2021 08:06

Back in the day my mum would have told me in no uncertain terms, if you go out, you won't be getting back in. And she would have locked the door for my return. Harsh, but a pretty good sharp shock. What is she going to do? Call the police on you?

MarieG10 · 13/01/2021 08:09

@cansu

"it shows why schools were fighting a losing battle to keep infection out."

I'm not sure they were losing it. I think the reality no one knows as kids were not being tested. My daughter travels a fair distance to school on the bus, along with others. The buses were full and although they wore masks no one knows how effective they were. The school had very few confirmed Covid cases but that doesn't tell us how many asymptomatic there were. Proper testing would have been interesting to understand whether they were a spreading agent

What the school was getting angry about were parents sending their kids in when they already had symptoms or someone in the house did and were awaiting test results....madness. The head wrote once pointing out that due to one such example, it resulted in 50 odd kids being directed to isolate

WilheminaVenable · 13/01/2021 08:12

Don’t report her if it’s you that would end up paying the fine though! I don’t know what the answer is. I’d be tempted with the ‘ok, go out but you won’t be coming back in’ but don’t think I could do it in reality.

PolloDePrimavera · 13/01/2021 08:32

Yep agree, the 37 calls is the issue here. IME, teenagers would rather go against their parents than a peer who has a hold over them. DD maybe doesn't want to go out really but fears the consequences from 37Calls. Hope you get it sorted.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 13/01/2021 08:36

You just need to remove her devices so she can't arrange to meet people until she learns you're the boss and you tell her what to do not the other way round.

It isn't easy, it never is with dc with but if they refuse to listen you have to get tough, a pita thugh that is as none of us need any extra stress at the moment.

NovemberRain2 · 13/01/2021 08:36

Report. Change wifi password. Remove everything in her room other than bare essentials.

Basically, set boundaries.

Laurapink0 · 13/01/2021 08:37

37 missed calls a day is not the norm for young people for not going out once I can promise you that.

It would concern me a lot, and I think maybe needs to be addressed first

Porcupineintherough · 13/01/2021 08:39

Sounds like you've lost control there OP. Id be damned if I'd be paying for a phone for someone who wouldn't listen to me. Her size is a red herring because physical force shouldn't come into it. My 12 year old is bigger and stronger than I am, let alone my eldest - but they still have to respect me.

AmoElCafe · 13/01/2021 08:41

I really don’t understand the ‘reporting’ of under 18’s... it’s the parents who would be liable for the fine!

Lalliella · 13/01/2021 08:45

37 calls is weird. Are you sure these are friends of the same age?

JillofTrades · 13/01/2021 08:46

She sounds selfish and lazy. Ask her how she feels about being so selfish.Yes tell her you will report her. If she doesn't care about her own life then fine, but she is being utterly nasty to everyone that lives with her.

Seaglad · 13/01/2021 08:51

I have a 16 year old. I would be contacting the parents of the other kids (yes I have the means to contact them all as most have been friends since small) and making sure they were aware, especially the 37-caller.

TammyTwoSwanson · 13/01/2021 08:57

Remove privileges - WiFi, any treats, any allowance, etc etc. Set boundaries and establish what's acceptable and what isn't. Although tbh I don't know where I would go from here if my 16 year old ds was the same. I couldn't imagine reporting my own child or kicking him out. But he wouldn't act like that in the first place, probably because of a combination of: we do have boundaries for much less serious things, so it would never escalate that far, and he himself hates covidiots and people who spread the virus.

Affor · 13/01/2021 08:58

If she's getting calls she has a phone - why does she get to keep this when she is breaking your rules?

UntamedWisteria · 13/01/2021 09:00

How about also rewarding her for staying home.

Nice treat for supper, choose a film to watch together, etc.

And have a serious but not angry talk with her about why the rules are there and encourage her to see her friends but in a limited way that is consistent with the guidelines.

cjpark · 13/01/2021 09:01

Ive got a 16 year old DS. It's really difficult but you have to set boundaries. How is she getting out?! lock the doors and take the keys. Obviously, explain to her first the danger she is placing you in. Have increments - ask nicely, if she doesn't oblige remove her phone, explain and stick to your guns.