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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so.annoyed dd breaking rules

100 replies

BedofRoses88 · 13/01/2021 07:27

I'm at the end of my tether with dd aged 16. She's refusing to stay in the house on an evening and goes out to meet friends. There's about 5 or 6 of them and they are mostly outside but last night went into someone's house and this isn't the first time. Dd is physically bigger than me and I cannot stop her going out of the house. It started with her meeting a mate outdoors for a walk round which I was fine with but now they all meet up and she comes back late. I've told her how bad things are, stressed the risk and danger she is putting us all in and she stayed in for 2 nights but then mates are constantly on at her to come out so she does. The day she didn't go out she ignored the calls and had 37 missed calls from 1 person. I get that it's hard for teens. She's not in any form of education as her college course went tits up and barely works at her part time job as not needed in lockdiwn.
I'm tempted to report her myself next time she's out but don't think I could bring myself to. Is there anyone else who is struggling with a difficult teen?

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 13/01/2021 09:57

Of course you can still contact the parents of 16 yos to complain, they are still children, supposedly under the care of parents or guardians. If one of these parents is allowing children to gather in their homes then report the parent.
I think breaking covid rules is serious, but it sounds as though this is the tip of the iceberg if your 16yo isn't in any kind of education or work based training scheme. If you are paying for her you make the rules. Does she use her strength against you? I know it sounds and extreme question, but a dear friend was in an abusive relationship with her child when he was 16 or so.

Hadjab · 13/01/2021 10:00

For those of you advocating throwing a 16 year old child onto the streets

centrepoint.org.uk/youth-homelessness/

TrulyOutrageousJem · 13/01/2021 10:03

I feel your pain. My 17-year-old isn't out every day but has been out. I told her implicitly that I did not want her going out and locked the front door and she escaped out of the back door. What's worse is that her friend's parents have her in their house and her two best friends parents don't believe in the virus at all and call it a hoax.

I have spoken with my friends about it and all they say is "well it must be hard being a teenager right now" which I just find so weak and utterly infuriating.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 13/01/2021 10:03

I would take back control, rather than be told what’s what is my own home. WiFi off, phone / tablets confiscated, pocket money / allowance stopped etc. It’s fine if she wants to do what she wants and not follows the rules of the house. But that means she needs to move out and pay her own way. At the moment she seems to want to have it both ways

WhatKatyDidNxt · 13/01/2021 10:03

Is = in

cosmikdebris · 13/01/2021 10:05

i was 16 just 4 years ago. i know how she feels, you get a lot of pressure from friends at that age and they can all be very manipulative. as for breaching lockdown rules, chances are she'll get caught if shes going to house parties. if you report her, you'll have to know where she's going and the address etc. saying "my daughter is going out to meet friends but i dont know where" wont do much. also, if you do report her, dont tell her. she'll lost a lot of trust in you and will only start being more secretive and distant!
make being home more comfortable. if you're worried about her drinking with her friends offer a low alcohol/alcohol free fruit cider and to do something SHE wants to do. if she wants to sit in her room alone, let her!

as for the person spam calling her, dont interogate it. it'll cuase her to be more secretive and she'll never open up if she fels like you just want to be mad at her. tel her about 'someone who definitely did the same to you and it made you feel uncomfortable'. it might help her open up if she feels you're on her level :)

PinkPandaBear · 13/01/2021 10:10

@BedofRoses88 please don’t report her or lock her in her room like PP have suggested. Doing so will just make her rebel against you and not trust you. Maybe you could suggest (not in an angry way) that she could meet up with a friend for a nice walk?

The most alarming thing is how your DD received 37 missed calls from one person. This isn’t a true friend. S/he sounds very controlling. A friend wouldn’t peer pressure.

starfishmummy · 13/01/2021 10:16

*How are you seeing those groups if you are at home as per the guidelines?

I’m out of the house once in the week for some shopping. I don’t have the time or opportunity to check groups of teens tbh.*

I'm out of the the house even less than once a week but see grouos of kids walking past my window...

flytterbugsdog · 13/01/2021 10:16

As others have said, who are the missed calls from? Are they from someone their own age or older? Are they from a boyfriend or a female friend? And do you know the person at all? Those are questions I would be getting to the bottom of first. I agree that it is hard with teenagers, particularly when they get to the age where physically they are adults (in terms of size, strength) but not yet capable of acting like adults.

PopsicleHustler · 13/01/2021 10:16

So because your child is bigger than you means you have no authority. I have a teenager same height as me. And it's my way or No way!

Put your foot down, lady and tell her to stop. There is a serious pandemic happening !!! She needs to be safe. And she is also putting you at risk too.
Good luck

NailsNeedDoing · 13/01/2021 10:17

I couldn’t bring myself to get upset with a 16 year old hanging around outside with a few friends. That age group has been massively shat on, time in their lives that can never be got back has been taken from them, with absolutely no benefit to them and all they get is slagged off because they want to do the normal thing and see their friends. Go easy on your dd, this shit show isn’t her fault.

movingonup20 · 13/01/2021 10:18

You need to be a parent, she relies on you for all kinds of things especially money, if won't comply (exercise with one other once a day aside) start removing her privileges. I have young adults, so does dp and they are all complying, actually telling us off!

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 13/01/2021 10:21

I think l would use the line of when you want something from me, the answer will be no - and mean it. She needs to put some boundaries in with her friend - 37 calls is off the scale. Very hard situation

SunshineCake · 13/01/2021 10:21

I'd threaten to report her.

My kids are 15, 17 and 19 and only the older one is going out as he works for an essential company while he can't be at university. I don't know whether their father being ill then me getting covid made a difference but they are sensible thoughtful kids and I can't believe they would risk us.

I'm not saying your child isn't sensible or thoughtful but she's acting like she isn't and you have to take control. This is a life and death situation.

User158340 · 13/01/2021 10:22

Given all these under 18's will have a parent at home, what the fuck are these parents doing to allow these gatherings at their home?

pistachionuts · 13/01/2021 10:28

Why are the parents of the others allowing it? Why don’t the other kids get the fact your DD doesn’t want to come out because it’s not allowed and there’s a pandemic going on? 37 missed calls is crazy.

I agree with trying to reward your DD for staying at home, it’s tough for teens at the moment.

mam0918 · 13/01/2021 10:34

@Sparklfairy

Back in the day my mum would have told me in no uncertain terms, if you go out, you won't be getting back in. And she would have locked the door for my return. Harsh, but a pretty good sharp shock. What is she going to do? Call the police on you?
This, I had to leave home at 16 and lived in a council run care hostal for a couple of months at first while I found somewhere to go and if you went out against rules or after hours the hostal litrally locked you out for the night, if another resident tried to let you they could get evicted too.

To many kids expect to just get away with what ever they want to but they can go live on their own if they dont want to follow rules.

AcornAutumn · 13/01/2021 10:41

Never mind Covid

Who is harassing her so badly and why does she think that's okay? That's a worry.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 13/01/2021 10:42

Remove her phone, laptop and any devices. Take her keys. Next time she goes out to see friends, she stays out. Call the police. Put a pop up tent in the garden if you have one.

Emeraldshamrock · 13/01/2021 10:48

You're not alone my Dsis us having an awful time with her teenagers they're done with lockdown.
I've banned them from my home.

MacDuffsMuff · 13/01/2021 10:48

To many kids expect to just get away with what ever they want to but they can go live on their own if they dont want to follow rules.

It doesn't have to be one or the other - 'they get away with whatever they want or they're out'. I have a 16-year-old and it's bloody hard work but I'm not an advocate of chucking kids out on the street. You have to put the graft in and put the boundaries in place.

Belladonna12 · 13/01/2021 10:48

This is very worrying as she is either extremely selfish or somebody is pressurising her. Obviously you can't use physical force but don't give her any money. There's probably not much point removing her phone as you don't want to go out without it. She will need a laptop for school lessons and presumably have friends can contact her then.

Belladonna12 · 13/01/2021 10:50

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

Remove her phone, laptop and any devices. Take her keys. Next time she goes out to see friends, she stays out. Call the police. Put a pop up tent in the garden if you have one.
It is freezing outside. If she stays out she will probably get hypothermia. If her laptop is removed how she do schoolwork?. If the phone is removed she will probably go out without it and OP will have no chance of contacting her.
Hobbesmanc · 13/01/2021 10:54

I read the comments on posts like this and wonder if some of you have had much experience with older teens outside your own family? Its inconceivable to me that some of you advocate locking a 16 year old out of her home. Do you really think hand on heart that her risk from Covid is greater than the risk from being homeless? sofa surfing or living rough? And I can assure you from personal experience, that most police forces do not have the resources or inclination to be chasing wayward teens at their mates houses.

Yeah try the wifi off, not paying for phone - but teens are very resourceful. It's wonderful that some of you can control young adults with your best Paddington stare. But thats simply not the reality for lots of families.

OP- maybe look at some damage limitation? Could she restrict her social life to just one friend? Are there any sympathetic parents you could work with - there will be parents of friends who don't care about Covid rules so could you try and identify these and ask her to not see them to at least reduce risk?

There is no answer to be honest. Good luck

Xiaoxiong · 13/01/2021 10:57

It sounds like there is one person massively pressuring/bullying her. 37 calls from one person sounds really worrying. I'd be addressing her relationship with that person asap, whether just friends or a romantic attachment. That's completely unacceptable and I bet if you sat her down and talked to her about it without being judgemental about breaking the lockdown rules she would admit she isn't comfortable with it.