To be so.annoyed dd breaking rules

[BedofRoses88]

I'm at the end of my tether with dd aged 16. She's refusing to stay in the house on an evening and goes out to meet friends. There's about 5 or 6 of them and they are mostly outside but last night went into someone's house and this isn't the first time. Dd is physically bigger than me and I cannot stop her going out of the house. It started with her meeting a mate outdoors for a walk round which I was fine with but now they all meet up and she comes back late. I've told her how bad things are, stressed the risk and danger she is putting us all in and she stayed in for 2 nights but then mates are constantly on at her to come out so she does. The day she didn't go out she ignored the calls and had 37 missed calls from 1 person. I get that it's hard for teens. She's not in any form of education as her college course went tits up and barely works at her part time job as not needed in lockdiwn.
I'm tempted to report her myself next time she's out but don't think I could bring myself to. Is there anyone else who is struggling with a difficult teen?

How are you seeing those groups if you are at home as per the guidelines?

I see a group of teenagers congregating from my front window. They meet on the corner, and I'm the second house in the road.

Initially, it was just 2, then another 2 appeared, and yesterday there were 6 of them. If they reappear today, I may be tempted to ring the police.

@Hobbesmanc

I read the comments on posts like this and wonder if some of you have had much experience with older teens outside your own family? Its inconceivable to me that some of you advocate locking a 16 year old out of her home. Do you really think hand on heart that her risk from Covid is greater than the risk from being homeless? sofa surfing or living rough? And I can assure you from personal experience, that most police forces do not have the resources or inclination to be chasing wayward teens at their mates houses.

Yeah try the wifi off, not paying for phone - but teens are very resourceful. It's wonderful that some of you can control young adults with your best Paddington stare. But thats simply not the reality for lots of families.

OP- maybe look at some damage limitation? Could she restrict her social life to just one friend? Are there any sympathetic parents you could work with - there will be parents of friends who don't care about Covid rules so could you try and identify these and ask her to not see them to at least reduce risk?

There is no answer to be honest. Good luck

@ Hobbesmanc I agree 100%. I work with teenagers and in days gone by when I was still fairly inexperienced, I did judge a parent whose 16 year old was incredibly difficult. When I met them and understood the situation more and what they were doing (i.e everything) to keep their child on the right path, it was a lesson to me.

I remember talking to a friend whose child was 14 and she was comparing him to her 16-year-old nephew and how her son would do what he was told with one of her 'withering' looks and knew that he would be the same at 16. I tried to explain to her that there is a huge difference between a 14 and 16-year-old but she wouldn't have it. A couple of years later she fully admitted that she had been 'talking through her arse' (her words) and that these years can be bloody difficult to navigate.

What a stupid irresponsible thing to do. I do hope that she is fined. The parents can pay and then I am sure they will take personal responsibility for their own children.

I know supermarkets are in the spotlight at present but these scenarios need to be urgently addressed. If the police find teens getting together they either fine these idiots or tell the parents to pay.

She is an idiot and she is putting all of you at risk. Shame on her. I like the idea of contacting the other parents and seeing what they say.

Who pays her phone bill- cancel phone.

Change wifi password (so she doesn't have access if she breaks rules)

She is taking you for a ride and enjoying it.

She has lost respect- yes she is a teen but I wouldn't have done this as a 16yr old pre covid. I asked, I was driven to friends and I studied alongside a job in Tesco (which I hated).

Teach her respect, how to earn money for clothes, for her phone etc.

Encourage her to enrol in some online studies- does she like animals, does she enjoy childcare? Any hobbies?

@LakieLady

How are you seeing those groups if you are at home as per the guidelines?

I see a group of teenagers congregating from my front window. They meet on the corner, and I'm the second house in the road.

Initially, it was just 2, then another 2 appeared, and yesterday there were 6 of them. If they reappear today, I may be tempted to ring the police.

So you've seen ONE group of 6 teenagers. Not several large groupS of teenagres roaming the street....

Fair enough if youve seen ONE. But making wide assumptions on how teenagers in general don't respect the rules and gather in big groups isn't OK.

@Bubbletiers

Who pays her phone bill- cancel phone.

Change wifi password (so she doesn't have access if she breaks rules)

She is taking you for a ride and enjoying it.

She has lost respect- yes she is a teen but I wouldn't have done this as a 16yr old pre covid. I asked, I was driven to friends and I studied alongside a job in Tesco (which I hated).

Teach her respect, how to earn money for clothes, for her phone etc.

Encourage her to enrol in some online studies- does she like animals, does she enjoy childcare? Any hobbies?

How will she do online studies if she doesn't have access to Wi-Fi and what about online school? If she doesn't have a phone, she will just go out without one and OP will have no way of contacting her.

OP, please don’t kick her out the house, nor lock her in it (what if there’s a fire?). My DD is 9, so I’ve nothing useful advice-wise, but I just cannot imagine how either of those strategies would go well, never mind be safe.

But, despite only having a much younger child, I’m still going to have Opinions and Advice, but you’re welcome to ignore...!

Try speaking to her like an adult, Laying down the law clearly isn’t working.

Arrange some fun family stuff - takeaway and film or whatever.

But you could insist on of some device-free time every day (or evening), for everyone in the house. Devices all go in box in kitchen for the evening/ afternoon/ whatever.
a - you pay for her phone
b - she’s being hassled by her friends
c - you know fine well her friends use it to arrange meet ups which she’s not allowed to go to.
d- you “read an article” and now want everyone in the house to do without their devises for some of the time every day.

Put on your big girl pants and stand up to your 16 year old!! You’re the bloody adult, not her despite probably thinking she is! Take her mobile off her, ring her friends yourself and tell them she’s not coming out. It isn’t a popularity contest.

@LakieLady

How are you seeing those groups if you are at home as per the guidelines?

I see a group of teenagers congregating from my front window. They meet on the corner, and I'm the second house in the road.

Initially, it was just 2, then another 2 appeared, and yesterday there were 6 of them. If they reappear today, I may be tempted to ring the police.

I have a ringside view too of the goings on from my window. I sleep with my window open and am often woken at about 2.30am by voices outside. I thought it was someone having a smoke but then heard one on a phone say "I am outside now", then someone appeared got something from a man in a car (reving his engine) and left. It occured to me that this is a regular pattern and I probably have a dealer living in the flat below me. The other meets seem to have stopped and it is just this regular occurence at about the same time every night.

So I'll try to answer some questions. Dd has always been fairly hard work for want of a better description! She had a shit time in high school, we moved schools to get away from horrible girls then for a few years she had a lovely group of friends. I knew their parents and we were all pretty similar with boundaries etc. Then she fell out with 1 of them over something stupid and things escalated from there. She had about 2 years of school refusal days on and off, counselling, self harming slightly and was utterly miserable. Fast forward to year 11 she then seemed to improve vastly and got in with the popular group at school. Unfortunately some of these were quite 'rough and ready' kids. They all became very close though and she's been with them ever since. They've introduced my dd to drinking whenever possible. And I mean spirits like gin or vodka. They share a whole bottle between 4 or 5 of them. Plus some weed smoking and recently I found out she's tried class a drugs last year but assured me she didn't like that and won't do it again. But she does admit to smoking weed about once a week ish and drinks. She left school last March when it closed. Exams cancelled but she was graded fantastically. Started a course in September at college and I prayed she would find new friends but she only had to go in 1 day a week and wasn't allowed close to anyone. Then they shut for 6 weeks due to cases and she didn't cope with online learning. So gave up. Started looking for an apprenticeship and was supposed to start this week then it was cancelled due to lockdown. So she does nothing and is miserable at times. Hence why she needs to see others. But it's out of hand. This girl who called her 37 times was apparently waiting for her to meet and dd had said she couldn't be bothered. She has always been like this. I know her and where she lives but don't know her parents. From what I've heard she hasn't had a great upbringing. The other girls are good to talk to and seem OK but they have been drinking etc in their group for years. It's the norm for them. I've said it's wrong and all the reasons why but dd can't or won't agree. They are allowed in 1 house with of a single mum who must not care or be able to stop them and another lads house who is 18. The boyfriend of 1 of the girls. It is mostly the same group and they all get along so well dd sees no wrong in it.
I've just had a chat with her now and she just says she doesn't care, is not stopping going out and she can't pass it onto grandma as we don't see her!
She gets some money from the odd shift she does so the only thing I can do is stop pocket money etc. But she won't care as 1 of them always has money so they all share stuff. Her dad in the past has tried to get phone off her but she won't willingly give it and screamed blue murder when he tried to get it off her. I can suspend it though which I have done in the past and will do again. But it still doesn't work. She can be an absolute nightmare but I love her and wouldn't kick her out.
Apart from this she can be so lovely, she tells me so much, plays with her younger sibling and is funny and pleasant...when she chooses to be!
Sorry that was so long 😆

She's at a difficult age, it is tough, you can't lock them up or manhandle them when I was a teen parents had the advantage of physically assaulting you if necessary nowadays you obviously can't use the advantage.
Try ride it out OP.
If she wants to be out she must wear a mask in the house, bleach the toilet after use and sanitise regularly.

Anyone any idea how to deal with the controlling friend? I forgot to say earlier but if my dd doesn't answer she contacts me or her dad! Problem is dd thinks she's great. Describes her as her absolute best mate. And they do get along. No way will dd listen to a bad word about her. I've been down that route before.

When she contacts you, presumably you ask her why on earth she’s phoning your DD so persistently, and make it clear it’s unacceptable?

*So you've seen ONE group of 6 teenagers.
Not several large groupS of teenagres roaming the street....

Fair enough if youve seen ONE. But making wide assumptions on how teenagers in general don't respect the rules and gather in big groups isn't OK*

I've only seen one group, but then I've only been out 3 times since lockdown started (local shop, a walk and the supermarket). They didn't appear today, perhaps it was too wet for them to hang about outdoors.

I've no idea what's going on elsewhere. I'm starting to feel quite stir-crazy and weird!

OP you are making excuses for her. I get it’s hard but you are the adult and she is loving in your house.she cannot just do nothing. She has to engage with online learning or get an apprenticeship. But not insisting on this I’m afraid to say you are failing her, at 16 if you do nothing you will always do nothing.
She needs some firm rules and boundaries. So what if she screams when you take her phone, she won’t scream forever and it’s only noise.
I wouldn’t advocate kicking her out, from personal experience that is horrific. You do need to enforce the “my house my rules” narrative though.

She left the course in Nov. It was disgraceful how they handled the students. At the time she was working 3 days a week and was actively looking for an apprenticeship. She got one but because of lockdown it was cancelled with less than a week's notice. She had a trial for another part time job but unfortunately didn't get it.
I absolutely don't want her to do nothing it's making her mental health even worse and I think it is part of the reason she rebels on a night. I totally get people might think I've failed as a parent but it really isn't easy dealing with a teen who won't comply. In regard to her phone the only thing I can do is suspend it but then i won't be able to contact her! Saying take it off her is not possible without physically restraining her on the floor. Trust me her dad did it once and it will not be repeated. For now I've stopped Internet working. So we shall see if she listens. She just says all her friends are out, it's the same people everytime and it's like she doesn't see why I'm making such a fuss cos no one else's parents do.

She has to sleep right? Remove the phone then.
You shouldn’t need to contact her because she should’ve be out!
I would report her, the shock of the Police might be enough. Yes, you may have to pay the fine initially but she can pay you back.
You could put a call in to 101 and report that she is consistently breaching lockdown rules, they may have a neighbourhood officer that has availability to pop in and see her at home and explain what could happen if she is caught. They can’t do an official warning but hearing it from someone in uniform night have more impact?

@Yesmate yep excuses are being made. Over 1,500 daily deaths reported and your daughter is flouting the rules by doing what she wants. Smoking weed, drinking and her hanging out with her mates really isn’t important versus that. She sounds unable to comprehend that so clearly is too immature to make any decisions for herself. You need to take back control. I have been taller than my mum since I was 11 but so what?!

Your daughter is being selfish (and yes many teens are) but it sounds like she does what she likes and has been for a long while. My son is 16, he also misses seeing his friends but it’s non negotiable and thankfully he’s sensible enough to know that he doesn’t get any special dispensation from the rules. In my opinion teens who think that they should have some special permission to carry on as they please are going to grow into self centred adults. 16 or not, I would not have my daughter tell that she doesn’t care about Covid has to go out. And I’m a very relaxed parent, but won’t have my kids tell me what they are doing. I’ve always been strict with that as otherwise you end up with kids who think they rule the roost. You need to put your foot down.

If you honestly cannot control her then report her and her friends. At 16 she should be aware of the dangers and the current rules. If she was in Scotland she would be allowed to live in her house home at 16.

@TidyOmlette

If you honestly cannot control her then report her and her friends. At 16 she should be aware of the dangers and the current rules. If she was in Scotland she would be allowed to live in her house home at 16.

If the OP reports her daughter, it is the OP who will be liable for the fine. Her daughter is a child, the OP has responsibility for her.

@AmoElCafe I fully agree but if she genuinely cannot make her understand then what other option does she have? She has to learn the consequences of her actions and let’s be honest most police offers wouldn’t actually fine OP they would just try and make her daughter see sense

[quote TidyOmlette]@AmoElCafe I fully agree but if she genuinely cannot make her understand then what other option does she have? She has to learn the consequences of her actions and let’s be honest most police offers wouldn’t actually fine OP they would just try and make her daughter see sense[/quote]
There won’t be any consequences to her actions though, that was my point. Not as far as the police are concerned. A bit of a telling off maybe, but will she care?
It’s the OP, as her parent, who will face the consequences.

@AmoElCafe she may well care. She might be the type to crumble when being disciplined by someone other than OP and she won’t like it if the police speak to her friends either. It’ll be a huge embarrassment to her

@BedofRoses88 Reading your update, it looks like your DD’s behaviour is out of control and she is spiralling fast into a bad situation. The alcohol, the drugs, the purposeless life, are all issues. I think you need external help to get her back.

As PPs have said I think you need to start with a report of the group to the police. And I say this as a sympathetic parent of teens. Do not tell your DD you are planning this and do not confess to her afterwards. Deny deny. But if you know the addresses of the 18 year old man and the friend’s parents, report both to the police and say you are a neighbour who wishes to stay anonymous. Hopefully this will have the effect of shocking your DD but in any case, it should break up the group a bit and might make them more cautious. Also the purpose of you denying the report is not just to save your relationship with your daughter but also to allow distrust to grow in the group as each will think someone else’s friends or family made the report. So this is an occasion when you need to be dishonest for love.

As per my previous post I also think your DD needs external psychological support so contact either her old college or the GP. And any job, even volunteering, will help fill her days and build some self-esteem. Maybe she can help at a homeless day centre and meet some people who spiralled from her current lifestyle into addiction. It might be instructive for her. As she’s not afraid of Covid she could be a real help volunteering where others have had to leave.

good luck