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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so.annoyed dd breaking rules

100 replies

BedofRoses88 · 13/01/2021 07:27

I'm at the end of my tether with dd aged 16. She's refusing to stay in the house on an evening and goes out to meet friends. There's about 5 or 6 of them and they are mostly outside but last night went into someone's house and this isn't the first time. Dd is physically bigger than me and I cannot stop her going out of the house. It started with her meeting a mate outdoors for a walk round which I was fine with but now they all meet up and she comes back late. I've told her how bad things are, stressed the risk and danger she is putting us all in and she stayed in for 2 nights but then mates are constantly on at her to come out so she does. The day she didn't go out she ignored the calls and had 37 missed calls from 1 person. I get that it's hard for teens. She's not in any form of education as her college course went tits up and barely works at her part time job as not needed in lockdiwn.
I'm tempted to report her myself next time she's out but don't think I could bring myself to. Is there anyone else who is struggling with a difficult teen?

OP posts:

GetOffYourHighHorse · 13/01/2021 09:04

'would be contacting the parents of the other kids (yes I have the means to contact them all as most have been friends since small) and making sure they were aware, especially the 37-caller.'

Oh no, not at 16. That is appropriate in primary school school not at 16.

As others have said the answer is boundaries. Remove tech and she gets it back when rules are followed.

PositiveNegative · 13/01/2021 09:05

You have to get her to deal with the 37 calls friend.

Hi X. I know I missed 37 calls the other day! I can't believe it. But I can only come out now for a 1-1 walk. We are looking after my grandma and I can't risk giving it to her. I'd love to see you soon, but if I can't make it, we will have to wait until another day. Love DD of BedofRoses xx

Help her to see how she can have agency in this situation without anyone being aggressive or losing face.

PrincessBuggerPants · 13/01/2021 09:08

Who is the person who tried to call 37 times? Is it a friend of hers? Do you know them?

I would be discussing boundaries with her and pointing out that somebody who calls them 37 times as they don't meet up once is not somebody with her best interests at heart, and is at best, somebody who needs to work on their mental health.

Try and help her see that this is not a healthy relationship, whether it is romantic or a friendship.

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-family-life-and-parenting/parenting-teenagers/behaviour/setting-boundaries-teenagers

Flapjak · 13/01/2021 09:09

Are there any restrictions you could do that would make her realise you are serious. Removing phone / lap top ? Not sure what i would do as this age group are the ones i feel that are suffering social isolation the most, a year in the life of a 16 year old is a long time to not be able to socialise with friends. Maybe a discussion with the other parents? Agreeing that she can meet up with one friend ?

Cocomarine · 13/01/2021 09:15

What do you mean by her college course going tits up? She’s only 16, what form of education is she in?

Tiktokersmiracle · 13/01/2021 09:16

It's very hard isn't it

On the one hand they're being told their risk is low, but on the other they've had little to no social life for near on a year, it sounds like as a result her course ended and her job is non existent too. What is there at that point? And to a teen all because a virus which won't so much as make a difference.
As a parent though, especially of an older teen who was working, it's terribly difficult not to come across as a fun sponge.
My DD is 14 and is luckily a home body anyway, but I know my nephew ignored it and went to a party at new year, his mum is a keyworker so was at work and had no clue what he was up to as she was working. He tested positive about a week ago and confessed and of course it meant his mum is stuck too.

I know it's not right. I prepare myself to be bitched about old people. But I cannot imagine what my mates and I would've been like at that age.

notanothertakeaway · 13/01/2021 09:16

Support her to resist pressure from the friend who calls 37 times

Praise her for obeying the rules. Acknowledge that it's hard

Lead by example, and let her see that you are doing the right thing yourself

Do you have any friends in NHS who could speak to her?

So hard. I feel for you. Ultimately, you can't force her to stay in, but it might help to make comments like "I'm trusting you to do the right thing. I can't force you to stay in, but I'm not sure I'm willing to take the risk of you living here if you are likely to bring Covid into my home. We might need to look at you moving out for a while"

Also, I blame the parents of the other children. If all parents refused to allow visitors into their house, then we'd all be in a better position

Backbee · 13/01/2021 09:16

The 37 calls is disturbing, that isn't 'normal' for teens.

Premiumm · 13/01/2021 09:19

It's totally unfair of her to put you at risk. I'd probably stop paying for the phone.

mymadpuppy · 13/01/2021 09:20

I just wonder why the police don't stop large groups of teenagers wandering about. I'm always seeing them myself.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 13/01/2021 09:25

Very difficult and I think mine would have been similar at that age. All this talk of locking the door etc is ridiculous, she's 16! Talk to her, they're sometimes more reasonable than you think, deep down! Also address this stalker of a mate, how well does she know her/him?

Valenciaoranges · 13/01/2021 09:35

I would investigate the 37 calls because it could be something more sinister like county lines, bullying, grooming...,etc.Do you know the friends she is with?
College course: why isn’t she attending remotely?

dancinfeet · 13/01/2021 09:36

My younger DD had a very toxic friendship with a girl last year who would hound her with calls and messages; if my DD wasnt having a conversation with her she would send message after message wanting to know where my DD was, who she was with, why wasnt she responding and so on. It all came to a head late one night when this girl threatened to harm herself and then stopped responding to messages. My DD thought the worst and was distraught, turned out the other girl had just fallen asleep but my DD was up most of the night frightened and not knowing what to do. Eventually she realised that the friendship was toxic and she stepped away when they went to different colleges in September. It sounds as though this group of friends have a similar hold over your DD. One of my DDs biggest fears was that she would end up with no friends at all, which is why she continued to hang around with this girl at school. I would be cracking down hard though on the going out, it is very hard and not an issue I have had to deal with, my two have been good about following the rules, but I would be sorely tempted to report the whole group next time they all go out.

Viviennemary · 13/01/2021 09:39

Tell her to find alternative accommodation. She is putting your health at risk.

TonMoulin · 13/01/2021 09:40

Id say she needs support, not to be punished.

She needs support to cope with the current situation.
She needs support to deal with friends that are harassing her.
She needs support to be able to stand up to peer pressure (or more?? There seems to be a hell of lot going on the background you might not know about).

Is the school still offering pastoral care? Could access a counsellor, even if privately?
Many teens are struggling a lot atm, in some ways more than adults (it has been going on for a much bigger part of their life than ours!). Punishing someone who isn’t coping or is using undesirable ways to cope isn’t helpful imo.

TonMoulin · 13/01/2021 09:41

@mymadpuppy

I just wonder why the police don't stop large groups of teenagers wandering about. I'm always seeing them myself.

How are you seeing those groups if you are at home as per the guidelines?

I’m out of the house once in the week for some shopping. I don’t have the time or opportunity to check groups of teens tbh.

JudgeRindersMinder · 13/01/2021 09:43

I’d have been phoning the maker of the 37 missed calls and telling them in no uncertain terms not to repeat it (and before anyone jumps on me I have a 23 and 18 year old so have been through the teen years) I once had to “take charge” with a girl who was texting my then 16 year old dd some really distressing stuff-which I knew was attention seeking, but at 16 my dd was taking at face value.

I had a similar issue with my 18 year old a couple of weeks ago-another parent was happily playing host to a load of their dd’s pals and I found out that ds had been there. The only way I could stop him going -after abound of “I’m 18 I can do what I want” was to threaten to report to the police-and he knows I don’t make empty threats and I know police are acting on reports, because I’m a dispatcher and send them them to the calls!

Sometimes even in their late teens, our kids need us to take charge for them-if either of mine were feeling peer pressure and were uncomfortable about it, I always said to them to blame me for it and make life easier for the self-and I know my dd certainly used me as an excuse. For the record I get on really well with my kids and their pals as adults, they’re a good bunch

DenisetheMenace · 13/01/2021 09:44

Are you able to contact the parents of the person calling? Ask them to tell their child to stop harassing your daughter, saying if they don’t you will report.

NameChange2PostThis · 13/01/2021 09:46

@BedofRoses88 I really sympathise. My DD is a younger teen and friends are everything. She too has had the issue of multiple calls and messages from manipulative ‘friends’. The constant demands to go out and meet up is wearing. I have to constantly remind my DD that not ‘everyone’ is going out (eg a couple of her friends have shielding parents and she knows this). She is also aware that she should not allow herself to be manipulated by so-called friends.

Invoke the law. Is your DD clear that it is actually illegal to meet in a group and go into her friends’ houses? Start with an honest discussion about which other laws she thinks it’s ok to break. This is the conversation I had with my DD. We agreed that some laws do seem silly or unfair and that it’s possible she could get away with breaking some and not getting caught...but it wouldn’t make it ok.

Find your DD something to do. At 16 she needs to do something. She needs to find another college course, or return to school, or find some sort of training job. Alternatively she can deliver leaflets or do a home working data entry job. If she can’t find paid work, she needs to volunteer at a food bank or similar. This will help her in many ways, should build more confidence and resilience.

Work on your relationship. Something has gone wrong - she is ignoring your wishes and you are mentioning your inability to physically control her which shouldn’t be a factor at all. You need to discuss this, but maybe a professional could help too, perhaps you could ask your GP for support, or your DD’s college.

Good luck

Northofsomewhere · 13/01/2021 09:46

There's been some good advice here but I was just wondering whose house they were going in to? Do you know if the parents are at home and aware of this? If the parents are unaware then a quick chat with them might help reduce some of the issues especially as it's pretty cold out there at the moment.

I'd definitely second restricting or taking away the devices she uses to make arrangements if she can't use them in a different way (ie contact but not arranging going out) as well as making it clear what you're happy with. If you would accept a socially distanced walk with one friend then tell her that but that you'd like her home by X time (do they only meet as a group in the evenings?). If she has a door key I'd ask for it back so that she has less control over if she goes out and when she comes back.

Also insist she has test and trace on her phone, she might not tell you if a friend was to test positive but at least with the app hopefully it'll make her aware of the seriousness of it.

Does she have any other hobbies or interests you could encourage? Did she do any sports/exercise at school? Anything indoors like art or cooking/baking just to give her something to do with her days. I gets she's bored so lots of contact (lots of calls) might be keeping her entertained at the moment so try and redirect that including everyone have phone free time.

DenisetheMenace · 13/01/2021 09:47

GetOffYourHighHorse

'would be contacting the parents of the other kids (yes I have the means to contact them all as most have been friends since small) and making sure they were aware, especially the 37-caller.'

Oh no, not at 16. That is appropriate in primary school school not at 16.”

Perfectly appropriate when the caller is asking your child to break the law.

Musicaldilemma · 13/01/2021 09:49

I think it is incredibly hard for teens OP. I have a younger teen and because she is at a private school she is getting loads of pastoral care online from her tutor in small groups and exercise challenges etc. Lots of chat about understanding this time period too and what they will tell their grandchildren (if they have them) and why it is a important to stay home and make a sacrifice. It is openly acknowledged that they are making a sacrifice by following the rules and not seeing their friends in person and they seem to understand the concept of full hospitals:/older people/other young people at risk.

Jenasaurus · 13/01/2021 09:53

37 calls sounds odd, do you know what actvity the teens are doing when they meet up to warrant such a despeperate attempt to get your DDs attention. Could there be any drug involvement, it seems so strange to be so desperate to go out a the moment in these current circumstances.

Yesmate · 13/01/2021 09:55

Who pays for the phone? If it’s you, remove it. Why is she not remotely studying for college? Courses haven’t just stopped. Change the WiFi password, take away the things she likes.
She’s being reckless and you are allowing it.
As for the 37 calls, that’s a group of silly teenagers all together saying “ring her again ring her again” and finding it hilarious.
Whether or not you have to pay the fine maybe being picked up and brought home by the Police might shock her.
Either way, you are the parent so you have to deal with it.

IGiveUpp · 13/01/2021 09:56

@JinxandBinx

Not a parent, but the 37 missed calls from 1 person sounds extreme, is this normal for 16 year olds?

This is the most concerning part. This “friend” sounds very controlling.

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