Divorce after less than a year of marriage.

[Canneverthinkofagoodusername]

I don’t want this to sound like I’m being judgmental, I am not at all. I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t stay in a strained marriage if you aren’t happy and you shouldn’t stay just because..

I’ve noticed recently there seems to be a lot of marriages that have failed after less than a year. This probably has always happened, my own mother’s marriage only lasted a few months many years ago but seems worse lately. I’m genuinely curious to why this is? Was it the strain of marriage? Was the marriage rushed into? was the marriage a way to try and fix issues within the relationship? More recently is it lockdown strain? Do relationships change after a marriage? Of course they do a certain extent but when you’ve lived with someone for several years for getting married first not so much.

Recently I’ve noticed couples who have been together for several years who have got married and divorced within a year of marriage. Surely after years of living together they’d know whether they would want to be together forever. I know things change. Stress, kids, money etc etc. Some cheat etc.

I’m asking because I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and we have discussed getting married and we will when the time is right but for now we are unmarried. What will marriage change for our relationship? We already have dc, a house we own etc. Marriage will of course offer more security and stability etc. But I don’t feel it would change our relationship at all. I cannot imagine my life without him and want to grow old with him (cliche I know). Can marriage really change a relationship that has always been stable and happy?

I suspect it’s lockdown strain. It’s one thing to be married to someone spending 5 days a week apart for most of the day to then be thrown together 24/7 for 9 months with no external support. Add in potential financial stress from furlough, redundancy or being self-employed and it’s an incredibly difficult situation.

Assuming you are in the UK, you can't get divorced, cannot even file the initial petition, within a year of marriage.

There are multiple threads on here about the benefits of marriage, especially for anyone who is a SAHP, or who has not been able to fulfill their career potential due to childcare.

I am sure you have considered your own financial position OP, but most people don't "expect" their DP to turn nasty in a split but the Relationships board tells a worrying story.

Marriage didn't change anything for DH or I. We are just traditional and wanted to be married before we had kids.

I agree with PP that lockdown has been extremely tough on people. No one is used to spending that much time with their OHs let along dealing with things like furlough, homeschooling, redundancies, less money and all of the other worries that Covid has brought.

I wouldn't look at other people's relationships when it comes to determining if your marriage would make it as everyone's circumstances are different. Do what you feel is right and what you want to do. If your relationship is strong and has been thus far marriage won't make it less so.

No, marriage doesn't change the relationship in every case.

People sometimes have expectations of marriage that are not met. They expect to have a relationship that is transformed for the better - maybe the promise of commitment gives them false hope that their partner will 'settle down's and the disappointment is severe when that doesn't happen. Sometimes one partner will agree to a wedding in order to shut the other up.

People sometimes get caught up in wedding planning and ignore developing cracks in the relationship. Sometimes cold feet get ignored when a hefty deposit has been paid.

People sometimes get married and can't cope with the 'finality' of it even if they have a house, kids, lawnmower, the works.

I'm 40 and I personally know of 2 couples this happened to who are a bit but not a lot older than me. Both of them were dating and living together for many years, like, a decade, before they got married. But then once they got married, the marriages only lasted for about a year!

The crazy thing is that the first couple got back together pretty quickly after their divorce. It's been another decade or so since then and they have held themselves out as married although privately they say they think getting married ruined their relationship and they won't do it again.

The second couple's marriage and divorce was much more recent but they too have already started seeing each other again. They don't say they're dating or in a relationship again and I know that at least the woman is on dating apps dating other guys as well. But it's more like they're friends or exes with benefits. I imagine there is still a strong bond there after knowing each other for so long and that it's hard to let go of that and maybe they waver about whether or not they should get back together.

I can't relate to any of it and to me it's pretty mind-boggling. But I WAS engaged twice before (to two different men, haha) and called off both weddings before they happened. (Finally the third time was a charm and I married my current husband and have been happily married for over 7 years.) Maybe they had these same regrets or second thoughts but didn't completely realize or act on them until after they got married.

I think there is something about making it so official than can really show people whether or not it's meant to be, and some people act on it by breaking off the engagement or getting divorced right away, whereas others just stay unhappily married for a long time. (As the former and currently adult child of parents who hated each other but stayed unhappily married, I honestly think it's better to realize a mistake was made and get divorced. But I have friends who are married who tell me they had a gut feeling while engaged that they shouldn't marry their partner but they did anyway because everything was planned and they were living in a fantasy and hoping it would work out. So far these friends have stayed married but obviously not very happily so.)

I've also had a couple friends who had a more "normal" trajectory of dating for a couple years and then getting married, only to break up after a year or two or marriage. Those situations make more sense to me than the long dating/cohabitation periods seemingly "ruined" by marriage, because maybe they just realized too late that it wasn't meant to be, they didn't really know their partner that well, etc.

I don't know anyone this has happened to. Not sure it is an actual trend or just coincidentally you happen to know a lot of people this has happened to.

I do remember when I got married being a bit nervous of those kinds of stories - DH and I were together 9 years before marriage.

I think it depends on the reason for the marriage in the first place. Some people get married for the wrong reasons and if the relationship is already strained a wedding isn't going to sort it.

If marrying for the right reasons and people realise that marriage is more than a wedding day which needs continued communication and consideration of each other then its more likely to survive.

The marriages I know which have all broken within a year it turns out there was an affair before the wedding day which continued.

When its long term couples, its invariably that they have got married in an attempt to start again after problems, or as a last ditch attempt to improve their relationship. Band aid weddings, its a well known phenomena.

@BlueSussex I wasn’t aware 😱 Maybe separation then!

@notalwaysalondoner

I don't know anyone this has happened to. Not sure it is an actual trend or just coincidentally you happen to know a lot of people this has happened to.

I do remember when I got married being a bit nervous of those kinds of stories - DH and I were together 9 years before marriage.

Possibly yes. I think things often get broadcasted more on social media these days too so often other people are more aware. There’s just a fair few people I know it’s happened to! 😀

I didn’t mean to add the smiley face!

I know a few people who have separated soon after the wedding.
I think the fun and distraction of planning the wedding itself and honeymoon propels some couples through but then afterwards, when all the excitement has worn off, they realise there isnt much else between them.

I had been with my other half 13 years before we got married. It was all toxic from the minute I met him. I was 22 he was 33 I became a step mum pretty much over night . They were 3 & 6, we then went on to have two of our own now 14 & 11 & one has special needs. We got married & did a House renovation in the space of 6 months. 15 months later I met someone else and left him. I know a few people who have been together years got married and then it fell a part.

My DP got separated within a year. Their wedding was some sort of plaster but ultimately it broke down.

I know a couple of couples who got married after many years together, both where one or other had had an affair, and the wedding was to 'affirm the affair was over / a mistake' sort of thing. Clearly though the trust was gone, the marriage didn't change much and they realised that they didn't want to spend the rest of their lives with someone they didn't quite trust.

I know one couple where this happened to.

She said that in the lead up to the wedding she knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, and that on her day of her wedding she knew she was making a mistake. They’d been together for about 4 years and already had a 1 year old daughter. They were obviously unhappy behind closed doors.

After the wedding things very quickly went downhill and before their first anniversary he had had moved out. That was about three years ago now, and although I don’t think they’re divorced, they have nothing to do with each other, her husband doesn’t even see their child anymore.

It’s a very sad story really.

I was with my partner 11 years before we married. I felt it put a spark back into our relationship. Married 15 years now (I like to think happily! ) Ultimately though there is no rhyme or reason as each person and relationship is so different. What works for some breaks others. It's not something you can predict or write a formula for.

I know of 4 couples married less than a year. 3 of them had been together and living together for years. As soon as they got married, everything imploded.

My marriage lasted exactly three months. We were friends a couple of years, together a couple of years and then got married. As soon as we got married he quit his job, stopped doing any housework so he could game all day and started treating me and his family appallingly. He then spent a year crying on my doorstep to take him back and he was sorry. The divorce started a year after the separation and went through quite quickly but I forget how long exactly.

No signs before we were married he was like this, he was a nice, kind man who had never had a girlfriend so I had no warning! But he's treated every other woman he's been with the same leaving jobs as soon as he's moved in with a woman and expecting her to financially support him etc.

@Bence69

I had been with my other half 13 years before we got married. It was all toxic from the minute I met him. I was 22 he was 33 I became a step mum pretty much over night . They were 3 & 6, we then went on to have two of our own now 14 & 11 & one has special needs. We got married & did a House renovation in the space of 6 months. 15 months later I met someone else and left him. I know a few people who have been together years got married and then it fell a part.

I hope you’ve found your happiness now ❤️ It’s not worth staying in a dead end relationship/marriage for sure!

I was with my ex for 5 years before we got married.

The attitude changed on the wedding night. I came home on leave after 3 months and got a slap. Let it slide.

I came home on leave 3 months later again. He nearly killed me.

We’d spent about 30 days of married life together. If that.

Am I gutted it went that way? Of course. Who wants to leave their marriage so quickly? You don’t get married without hoping it is forever.

But if I stayed I’d be dead.

10 years ago I got married, and we split 5 months later.

I was only 24 when we got engaged and spent 18 months planning a big wedding (you would have called it "insta worthy" if Instagram was a thing then!). I was literally obsessed and didn't think about anything else and paid no attention to what was going on around me, it was all about that day.

It was the biggest disappointment of my life as I realised on the day that I had fallen out of love with him. I was so young and ignorant and just pushed my feelings away, all for a wedding.

I tried for 5 months and realised I couldn't stay in a loveless relationship. I didn't fancy him or want to be with him.

Splitting up was still incredibly hard, and to this day I hate the hurt and embarrassment I caused him.

10 years on I'm remarried and he's engaged. I bumped into him at a wedding about 8 years ago and couldn't hold in my apologies. Because he's a nice guy, he hugged me and told me he understood.

Luckily we rented and had no children so it didn't complicate things further.

I know of 2 couples who divorced very quick. In one case I suspect (but don’t know for certain) that she married for financial gain.

In the other case she admits she knew it was doomed before the wedding, but didn’t feel she could pull out (expensive “society” wedding). She admitted it seemed easier to go through with it then seek a divorce than cancel the wedding.

I have friends who have doubted their upcoming wedding but have gone through with due to the shame or embarrassment of calling it off which is so sad. My own mother went through this when she married someone years ago. She even had doubts on her actual wedding day and there wasn’t any excitement. She knew it wasn’t working but she went through with it anyway. Split a few months down the line!

I'd assume lockdown strain this year.
Sometimes I think its more down to becoming disillusioned and realising now you're stuck.

In my experience atleast.

I married my husband after 5 years together, we had overcome quite a lot and he became better with finances and I was happy and thought it was a "new" start.

We got married, and within 2 months he talked me into financing a vehicle for him, it saved "us" 5k to do it that way. Of course "he" could afford the repayments.. the car was with us less than 3 weeks before he received a letter with a court date for his bankruptcy hearing. Ofcourse, the car was in my name so it couldn't be taken, but I didn't drive, and I was stuck with the payments (can't pay any finance off whilst bankrupt) within a few months I was then told we had 3k in rent arrears and was being evicted, I'd been paying him our rent which he was apparently paying to the LL. In the same week the car insurance was cancelled due to non payment.

At that point I seriously considered divorcing him. I think that was the first time I really felt trapped by the situation and needed to get away from him.

Eventually things sorted themselves out, but it damaged our relationship in ways that we can't repair. If I wasn't so scared of being alone, I'd have definitely divorced him and left him in the dust.