Divorce after less than a year of marriage.

[Canneverthinkofagoodusername]

I don’t want this to sound like I’m being judgmental, I am not at all. I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t stay in a strained marriage if you aren’t happy and you shouldn’t stay just because..

I’ve noticed recently there seems to be a lot of marriages that have failed after less than a year. This probably has always happened, my own mother’s marriage only lasted a few months many years ago but seems worse lately. I’m genuinely curious to why this is? Was it the strain of marriage? Was the marriage rushed into? was the marriage a way to try and fix issues within the relationship? More recently is it lockdown strain? Do relationships change after a marriage? Of course they do a certain extent but when you’ve lived with someone for several years for getting married first not so much.

Recently I’ve noticed couples who have been together for several years who have got married and divorced within a year of marriage. Surely after years of living together they’d know whether they would want to be together forever. I know things change. Stress, kids, money etc etc. Some cheat etc.

I’m asking because I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and we have discussed getting married and we will when the time is right but for now we are unmarried. What will marriage change for our relationship? We already have dc, a house we own etc. Marriage will of course offer more security and stability etc. But I don’t feel it would change our relationship at all. I cannot imagine my life without him and want to grow old with him (cliche I know). Can marriage really change a relationship that has always been stable and happy?

I know several people this has happened to, long before lockdown.

I’m intrigued as to when you’ll know it’s the right time OP, when after 9 years and DC it hasn’t been so far? Usually after that long one person in the couple is stalling for a reason.

I know three couples this has happened to, and all of them were using marriage as a last ditch attempt to fix the relationship. In two of the couples, one half has since said they knew it was over, but the other half barrelled ahead with the wedding and they were too afraid to say no.

For the third couple, the woman says she convinced herself it was the right thing, and ignored that nagging voice deep inside her that it was wrong. She’s recently split and still struggling with it, not sure how she could have pulled the wool over her own eyes etc. As far as I’m concerned, far better to use a wedding as a band aid than a baby!

OP, if you’re already very happy in your relationship, experience tells me that a wedding won’t change it. It tends to shine a light on problems and force an ending in unhappy ones, that’s all.

I know a few couples who did that.
Sometimes it was because the marriage was to plaster over cracks and it didn’t work.
But in many cases, the man started to change and became more entitled, expecting wifey duty, aka him stopping to pull his weight and expecting his dwife to pick up the slack. It’s sad and shouldn’t happen but 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️. It’s like a switch is turned on when they get married.
(FWIW the same often happens with the first child)

One of my friends married in May, divorced in April (not in the UK). After spectacular wedding and fairytale ‘courting’ period he turned out to be controlling and violent. Second friend, in relationships for 7 years, she put a lot of pressure on him to get married, he did not want to get married but went on with it. Married in July, divorce mentioned in October. She is still stuck in unhappy marriage, paying off wedding loan and can’t afford divorce. Third friend, married after 15 years, divorced soon after, within a year from divorcing both married someone else and are happily married now 🤷🏼‍♀️ FWIW l have no intention of marrying DP (15 years together). Weddings are expensive, divorced even more so.

A work colleague had a huge wedding with thousands of pounds spent after saving for years. They split less than 2 months later. More than ten years later she is still paying off the debt. I'm not surprised. There is much more to being married than just an expensive wedding. It feels like the dream wedding is what's most important and there is no thinking beyond to the realities of actually being married.

Yanbu.... I have a couple of friends whom this has happened to.

I've been married 6 years and honestly its flown by.

My second marriage lasted from August to the following February. He married the other woman who was his third wife. He’s currently on his fourth. All his friends apparently make endless jokes about him being inspired by the film.

I don't know anyone this has happened to.

It happened to me. Years ago. We'd been together 15 years.

Looking back, the marriage was an attempt to fix other issues. The wedding was as minimalist as it is possible get. No guests.

My DP had this.
Together 6 years. Engaged 2.5 after much pressure (and tears) from her. Got married in January, she went back to NZ in June.

How about your DH was a loving, kind person during courtship;
then revealed that his true nature was a violent alcoholic?

Some people have problems in their relationship and think getting married or having a baby will make things better. It's not the marriage or the baby that is the issue in many cases. Just that the people were stupid and married/got pregnant instead of realising there were issues.

I know quite a few couples who’ve been together for years and then got married and divorced within a year so I know what you mean OP.

A couple of them the partner was cheating for a long time and they only happened to find out once they were married unfortunately but I think a lot of the time the marriage is a last ditch attempt fix a relationship that’s already failing so it seems that once they got married it failed but in reality it was already failing.

I also wonder if that feeling of being ‘stuck’ forever makes people panic.

Perhaps this could happen if your new husband refused to have sex with you and then abused you when you raised an objection?

I definitely think it’s a thing that people have to be together many years and then get married and divorce.

I think the divorce gives them permission to think they gave it their all? It’s easy to settle married or not but if you are living together you can still go for that that last step.

Personally I feel that sometimes there is a reason why couples don't get married after the usual 2 or 3 years or being together and saving up for the wedding. "Waiting until the time is right" just seems to be a euphemism for "putting it off". I think couples that WANT to be married (rather than have the fancy wedding day) will always find a way. THEY are the marriages most likely to last, IMO.

As are those in very very happy long term relationships who are genuinely happy as they are, after 20-30 years or more move into old age, ill health etc, or their parents are very ill and hint they would like to see them married, and who then get married for legal reasons for the financial security of the other one.

I think some couples just drift into marriage after a few years because for one of the couple, it was what they wanted, but the other partner was just happy being with that person "for now". And that "for now" just ran away with them, and drifted on one year into the next.

I married at 20 and my single friends at the time would always go on about how they want a long-lasting marriage like their parents or a fairytale-type relationship.

DH and I don't seem to have the issues lots of couples have- we like each other, we talk to each other, we don't get peed off if we want to do something alone. Our friends who have divorced/seperated have all had these issues and never raised them with their partners. I wonder if the issue doesn't lie in their problems but rather in their willingness to sort their problems out. People are so quick to split with someone instead of working on their relationship. Maybe it's easier and more accepted socially nowadays to seperate, or maybe it's that in previous times people have been willing to work on their relationship.

Was with my exh for 4 years before we got married. I was young and foolish and didn’t notice the financial abuse that had started about a year into the relationship to start with then the verbal abuse started. When we got married it then turned physical very quickly like on my wedding night and instead of eating breakfast with my guests that had paid to stay the night I was in my room “hungover” I wasn’t. I had a broken nose and 2 black eyes. We were only together 6 months after the marriage and I got away and never looked back. Tbh I knew on my wedding day that I shouldn’t be going through with it but I was ashamed I had let it get so far and was so in over my head I was only 24 at the time. My dad could tell in the car on the way to the wedding something was wrong and begged me not to do it. I wish I had listened.

Or maybe they have a partner unwilling to discuss issues and sort them out. @Lucieintheskye

In my husband’s case his first marriage was to try and fix a problem. They’d been together 6 years, the marriage lasted 1. We’ve been married 16 years so it wasn’t as if he didn’t have staying power

This happened to my DP. Shouldn't have got married in the first place, but couldn't back out once the deposits had been paid, people invited, etc (huge wedding.)

It's very confusing to me as I can't imagine even getting engaged if I was feeling unsure-- but people live and learn, I suppose.

I actually applaud people who decide to pull the plug this early-- it's embarrassing, and there's a lot of social pressure to stay in the marriage. I think they're quite brave.

Perhaps it is the impact of Covid 19, but I have known this happen with several couples stretching back over many years.

Remember the old joke.. what food stops people wanting to have sex? Wedding cake. And it’s true.

If I’d have married the first two proposals I received ( both before aged 25) I’d be multiple divorced. Luckily stuck with third one, 18 years in now..

Re the lockdown aspect - me and my DH got married at the very end of 2019, just before coronavirus was a thing here. We'd been together nearly 4 years at the time and have always had an amazing relationship (normal ups and downs but both genuinely happy and in love). We had a tiny wedding as it's what we wanted, didn't have a proper honeymoon but had a few days away with the kids straight after which were lovely.
I can only speak for us but I think the first 6 months of marriage were tough in ways I never imagined. I think very much exacerbated by lockdown, we had things we wanted to do that we couldn't, suddenly stuck in the house together 24/7, no more nights to ourselves when the kids went to grandparents (didn't happen very often anyway, once every few months) but still made a difference. After the lovely buzz of Christmas/our wedding/few days away as a family it was January blues, all poorly in Feb and then lockdown march. It was quite a big thing for me for a while, I think it was just so different to how I imagined it. Think it bothered me more than him.
We worked through our issues and are still very much happily married. I do think at times when we had rows I would panic more than before, I had all these feelings like omg it must have been a mistake if we're arguing like this only a few months in, is our marriage a failure already etc. But in another sense, knowing we're married now also made me put my big girl pants on and try my best to solve things properly. Luckily he did too.
He still winds me up and we disagree on minor things but we make an effort and the balance is good, I would work my arse off for this marriage cos I think he's great in all the ways that are most important to me.
But I am well aware that people can and do change, life is unpredictable and we never really know what's coming...

@TonMoulin

Or maybe they have a partner unwilling to discuss issues and sort them out. *@Lucieintheskye*

I didn't specify which partner I was talking about.