Divorce after less than a year of marriage.

[Canneverthinkofagoodusername]

I don’t want this to sound like I’m being judgmental, I am not at all. I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t stay in a strained marriage if you aren’t happy and you shouldn’t stay just because..

I’ve noticed recently there seems to be a lot of marriages that have failed after less than a year. This probably has always happened, my own mother’s marriage only lasted a few months many years ago but seems worse lately. I’m genuinely curious to why this is? Was it the strain of marriage? Was the marriage rushed into? was the marriage a way to try and fix issues within the relationship? More recently is it lockdown strain? Do relationships change after a marriage? Of course they do a certain extent but when you’ve lived with someone for several years for getting married first not so much.

Recently I’ve noticed couples who have been together for several years who have got married and divorced within a year of marriage. Surely after years of living together they’d know whether they would want to be together forever. I know things change. Stress, kids, money etc etc. Some cheat etc.

I’m asking because I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and we have discussed getting married and we will when the time is right but for now we are unmarried. What will marriage change for our relationship? We already have dc, a house we own etc. Marriage will of course offer more security and stability etc. But I don’t feel it would change our relationship at all. I cannot imagine my life without him and want to grow old with him (cliche I know). Can marriage really change a relationship that has always been stable and happy?

I have only known 1 couple this has happened to and they got married to try and fix the relationship. Both have admitted they knew it wasn't going to work during the planning stage but felt that they couldn't back out due to parents partially funding and a dying grandparent. Both have re-married since and seem really happy.

Marriage didn’t change much for DH and I. However, it felt “right” for us as we really wanted a marriage, not a wedding (both hate being the centre of attention). In fact, we eloped. We were together 5 years when we got married, and have now been happily married for 2 years.

I honestly think that in many cases, when a couple split within a year of marriage, one of them probably just wasn’t brave enough to call the whole thing off. If marriage genuinely feels like the right “next step” for you, then go for it.

Will you change anything when you get married?

Money and property seems to be a big cause of friction. Are you already sharing everything in one pool, own your house as joint tenants etc?

Or will getting married precipitate a change in the way you manage anything / write your will etc?

Will anyone change their name? Will family expectations on you change?

If nothing actually changes in the way your lives run, you should get on fine continuing as you are after marriage!

I’m sure it quite often happens that one or other has cold feet, but can’t bring themselves to call it off, because the massive wedding roller-coaster started some time ago - everyone’s invited, venue booked, you name it - and it seems easier to go through with it than face all the recriminations and hassle of calling it off.
But once all the fuss has died down.....

You can’t file for divorce until married a year and then with court delays due to covid it’s not a quick process. If you marry today, fall out irreconcilably tomorrow realistically will be 2 years until you are divorced.

I doubt you’ve got any statistics to bear this out.
For everyone that files because of the stress of lockdown, perhaps there’s one that didn’t because lockdown forced time out and reduced other stresses - no commute, able to save money... or perhaps one that could no long afford to divorce

I expect it’s just confirmation bias - one example got you thinking, now you see it everywhere!

Shortest marriage I know is a friend who returned from honeymoon, and found a letter in his new wife’s handbag written to her lover telling him how much she’d missed him, being away for 2 weeks...

I doubt that marriage will change much for your 9 year relationship.

I wonder if like you say people get married thinking it will save their relationship, or even just solidify it, and then when nothing changes they divorce...

There also less stigma attached to divorce now than there used to be... people living longer and perhaps have different expectations about whether they will even have a "life partner" or several throughout their lives.

I was with my 1st husband for 8 years before we married, 6 months later it was all over...turned out he fancied the best man more than he fancied me...ah well you live and learn.

I wasnt divorced within a year but was within 5 years. And should have happened a lot sooner.
We'd dated for 3.5 years. There was a lot of societal pressure that marrage was the next step, plus I was 29 and it seemed all my friends were getting married and so should I. Had major doubts but felt it was either get married or split up. Once I got married I immediately felt trapped in a way I hadn't beforehand. Plus once the ring was on my finger exH definitely dropped his standards towards me. It was like he'd 'got me' so no longer needed to pretend to be a considerate human being.
Divorced by 35. Not great, but much better than staying.

I can only think of one couple I kow that did this. They had only lived together for a year before, but after they married, they split up within about three weeks.

It turned out they had never actually talked about their plans for later. She thought, Phd, no kids, big job in a lab, move to the big city. He thought - big family, live in the small town, do small town jobs.

As it happened they did get back together after several years, and had two kids, and she had her high powered job. She was still completely cracker-pots last time met her. (I didn't know him, but my impression was always that he was less all over the place.)

some people change after marriage, e.g. domestic violence, abusive tendencies, or expect everything to be done for them (acy lazy etc). I'm sure it's a factor in quite a lot of short marriages.

It’s not the institution of marriage that causes it- it’s the realisation, afterwards, that they don’t want to spend “forever” with their spouse.

Some friends of ours had been together 11 years in a toxic relationship. The relationship improved, a bit. They married, and she left him 6 weeks later.

It was mad to go through with it, but I assume she felt it too late to back out, and as though she might feel differently once they were married.

I too have known a few relationships fail after a short marriage. 2 spring to mind. Old friends. Been together for many year, get married and split within 19
I months. Something similar with another friend. Together 5 years then married and split Worthing 6 months.

Another has just spring to kind.....about 12 years ago, they were childhood sweethearts, together for years, engaged, wedding planned then 1 week before the wedding she decided she didn’t want to marry him so they split.

I don’t get it either but I have always wondered if the energy runs out after the wedding. What I mean is you get together get engaged then plan the wedding. Once you are married it’s done and final. Yes there are kids but the relationship just continues once’s you are married. There isn’t anything else to plan for so to speak.

I’m 35 and have noticed a few - it’s usually where the relationship has ‘internally’ taken a turn for the worse and the two people have got married thinking that’ll do it as a big push towards reconciliation or sticking plaster. But time wears on and it becomes obvious

I think that marriage vows can bring into focus the little niggles that don’t seem important day to day. Once you say “til death is do part” then 40 years of the little things can loom over you.

OP, I’d highly recommend a premarriage course. It helps you discuss stuff with your dp that you might not have thought of, and makes sure you are both on the same page. A bit like a driving test before being let loose on the road (only you decide together if you have passed!). Ours was really useful.

I do think some people get married because it's "expected" even though, fundamentally, it's not the right thing for them to do.

I know quite a few that don’t make it past the one year mark before they split.

Some where the man was pressured into asking and then realised it was the wrong decision but mainly where the focus was all about the big day planned for years to be perfect and the relationship itself seemed insignificant compared to the event.

I often wonder the same OP when you see long term couples getting married after many many years together and then their marriage breaking down really quickly. I sometimes wonder if they aren’t truly happy and think getting married will change things in one way or another, but they quickly realise it doesn’t?

Anyway we were together 10 years before getting married, lived together for about 6 and had joint finances. nothing changed for us at all other than I really enjoyed calling DH my husband and I felt like people treated us more seriously (yes seriously 😐)

I’m really glad we did, although I can’t really tell you why. It just makes me feel happy. Especially now we have a DC in the mix.

I don’t think it anything changes which might be the problem.

Some people think marriage will fix problems and make everything better.

My friends had been together for 10 years, 2 kids, house.
Got married and she met someone else a year later.
Had an affair for a year before leaving.
I was engaged after being with my ex for 2 years.
Found out he was cheating 6 months before the wedding and had been since a couple of weeks after we got engaged.
He's married to her now.
Im grateful to her, I had my doubts about him from the start but got swept along.

I had a friend who seperated lending divorce within a year of marriage. Rom-com level perfect proposal, princess castle wedding, 3 week amazing honeymoon.... Came back feeling down, and admitted after after a few weeks he hasn't "changed" as in he still left the loo seat up, dirty socks in the corner, they still argued over who was cooking etc. They (she'd) got so caught up in the planning they lost sight of the actual relationship, she ignore the annoying things because once they were married... But people don't change like that. She left and was in a new relationship pretty quickly

People whose relationship is already in trouble often decide to get married thinking it will strengthen and ‘save’ the relationship. Of course, it never actually does and the relationship ends, as it should have done before the wedding.

Sometimes the person they married turned into someone they had no idea existed pre-marriage. This was true for somebody I knew who didn't live together before marriage (40 years ago). A few weeks after the first show of violence started, thumps and bruises where they couldn't be seen. The lady in question lasted 15 months and left. The next woman the male then took up with ended up with a lot of stitches where he pushed a broken glass in her face!

I'm not sure it's more common (other than more people meaning more couples), I've read a lot of older stories of couples married, then quickly started living separate lives. It may be more openly discussed in some spaces now than in others across recent generations, but it's always been a thing. I'm the result of my father's second marriage which from US records started about 2 and a bit years after his first.

I think it's quite common. I know two separate couples whose wedding didn't survive the wedding night!

The other drivers have been:

Sometimes there's pressure to get married from one of the couple
Sometimes it's seen as a fix to a problem
A few times it was obviously not going to last and the couple went through with it because "it was all booked"
Money issues
Stress of children
Stress of step children/XPs
Inlaws

Better to split earlier rather than later.