Husband is ready to leave me...

[allthingsbrighter]

I’ve been with DH for 14 years (married 3)

Last year we had our first baby who is now coming up to 11 months old.

It’s been an incredibly tough time. I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and I had 20 weeks of CBT.

I’m still not coping and it’s changing me as a person.

I’m struggling to focus on family life. I feel withdrawn from DC & DH.

My mind is completely consumed with negative thoughts and they’re all around Covid.

I feel like I have a death sentence looming over me, there’s this danger outside my doors and once it gets me, I’m done.

I’m coming up to 35 and I fall into the vulnerable category, although I’m not CEV / shielding.

I’m irritable all of the time, and it’s always with DH.
I feel annoyed by him. Wound up when he’s around.
He tries to have a conversation with me and I feel in a rush to finish it because my mind is so so consumed by thoughts of Covid and death that I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else.

I feel like I’ve become incredibly selfish.
DH is brilliant. He’s a great dad and husband.
He cooks, he helps to clean, I don’t think there is much more he could do.

He’s considerate of how I feel. He WFH and he gets up early during the week with DC so that I can have an hour extra in bed whilst he does breakfast.

All this sounds great but then overnight he gets uninterrupted sleep whilst I’m up feeding / settling DC.
I’m not sure if this is a fair arrangement, but I feel irritated when he’s laid there next to me asleep and I’m awake with the baby.

When it comes to weekends we both have one sleep in each, but when it’s his turn I again feel irritated and angry at him.
I will remind him not to be spending all day in bed, even though to date he’s never done that, and he’s never once said anything to me about how long I choose to sleep in for.

DC won’t settle with DH for sleep and it’s me that does the bedtime routine. (DC breastfed and feeds to sleep)
DH will sit with us upstairs until DC has gone down, but again I feel irritated by him like he should be doing more(even though I don’t know what)

I know my behaviour is really upsetting him, he’s spoken to me about it and I’ve told him how anxious and worried I am about Covid.

He keeps repeatedly telling me I’m irrational and my fears aren’t logical.
I feel like he’s just humouring me and he doesn’t understand that I’m vulnerable.

He’s shown me stats of the deaths for the under 40’s, told me they account for less than 1% of the total deaths.
But when he’s telling me these things, my mind is telling me to ignore him because he’s wrong and just trying to humour me.

I feel like a lot of the time I project onto DH.
I can spend the day playing and doing lots of activities with DC, but I know my mind is running elsewhere. It’s in the clouds worrying about Covid, going back to work, DC going to nursery, DH popping to the office, DH going to the supermarket....

When DH comes home I feel so emotionally fatigued that I take it out on him, I feel like he’s thinking I’ve been a crap mum for the day, I’ve not done enough around the house or I haven’t been focused enough on DC.

He’s never said any of this to me, but I’m conceived he does think it.

Today he’s told me he’s had enough and that living with me is too difficult for him.

He said he loves me but he’s really tired of trying and getting nothing in return.

I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t think of a reason why I want him to stay.
I know that I love him, but I know that he’s better off without me.

I don’t know how to make him happy anymore.

My life is such a mess. I’m completely stuck in my mind. 😔

I agree with Nicole. Reassuring rhe op is pointless, she’s already said when her husband tries to show her stats her mind won’t accept it. Strangers on the internet aren’t going to change it. Logic won’t change it.

Only medical intervention will. If someone is having irrational intrusive thoughts, particularly to this extreme, trying to talk them down by being rational isn’t going to help. Her husbands been trying it. She accepts she can’t face logic.

@Ohalrightthen

OP, you seem to be completely ignoring the many poster who think you should speak to your GP and get some help.

Why is that?

Yes my thoughts exactly , it can't be very nice for your Dh to have to cope with this OP. Perhaps he should go for a break until you are feeling better. Good Luck

pandasfoundation.org.uk/ are great OP. Have a look and think about contacting them.

Anxiety often manifests itself as anger. In fact sometimes anger is the only symptom. I've found over the years that most people don't know this.

I had PN anxiety after the birth of my first DD 16 years ago. I became withdrawn towards my then DH and a lot of my anxiety manifested as anger and resentment towards him. I drove him away. My whole personality changed. I developed an intense fear of dying and leaving my DD without a mum. Wasn't Covid at the time but bird flu. I nearly bought Tamiflu over the internet one time! So I had health anxiety, which you are clearly suffering from too (you think it's a normal level of anxiety. I'm telling you it definitely isn't). I am extremely stubborn. I didn't get any help. I lied my way through the post natal depression survey the health visitors used to give you because I didn't want to "fail" at being a mum. I refused to stop breastfeeding, even though the lack of sleep was reducing me to a ghost because I was convinced that this would be a sign of my failure as a mother too.

Long story short, I didn't get help. My marriage broke down. I had a full mental break down a couple of years later. Please don't let this happen to you. Don't rule out medication as it can be a lifesaver, getting you into a reasonable mental state to be able to explore talking therapies. Don't be stubborn like I was.

p.s. I'm fine now. I just wish I'd listened back then and done things differently.

It seems like you are experiencing extreme levels of anxiety and to try and think your way out of the related uncertainty you are focusing on Covid. Very likely hormonal/biochemical and related to child birth. There were other worries to think about before Covid and they are all real but chasing thoughts that increase anxiety is miserable.

Talk to your GP. In the medium to long term you may need medication to reduce anxiety.

In the short term try Headspace to learn to distance yourself and observe intrusive thoughts. You don't have to block them out or repress them or feed them with further thought. Just observe. Note that you have retreated from the external to obsess about thought, let it go and return to the external. It's safe for you to that because you have already taken all sensible precautions. Further thought is not needed. Ground yourself in the external by giving it your full attention - the breath is a favourite constant because it is not consciously directed by our thinking minds but essential to life.

You said you feed your baby to sleep. This is not just about nutrition but calming them and creating the right environment for them to relax into sleep. You don't provide rational arguments as to why sleep is the logical option. Calm your own mind in a similar way.

This sounds so hard for you OP. Big hug.
Agree you need further help. CBT can be great so might be worth trying that again with a different therapist or something else. This is such a hard time for anyone, nevermind someone with a baby.

Another one that says to stop breast feeding my anxiety was at an all time high when I breastfeed, it will also give you more time to sleep, also try to keep of Google, I know it's really had but maybe go for a walk and leave your phone at home even if its just to the shops or just the end of the road, or even in your back garden just put the phone down, I'm on beta blockers as didn't want to take the anxiety tablets and they really work calming me down, defo speak with your doctor again and see what else they can offer, I'm on the mend now and hardly have any bad days I also had cbt, my therapist always says when I get a thought about covid etc I should actually sit and question why I'm thinking that and how realistic it actually is that I'm going to get it etc etc my inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to💐from another postnatal anxiety sufferer 💐 @allthingsbrighter

Your baby is still young OP! I can remember feeling similar when DS dad was sleeping too! I think you may be depressed post natal. Small things bothered me and I would sometimes call DS dad to rant! (I couldn’t help it a at the time).

Can your DH go to the GP with you? Book an appointment straight away.

Was you anxious before having your baby? (Before Covid).

Medication without cbt or educating yourself about health anxiety/ocd and depression is pointless. The depression is the direct result of the intrusive thought from your health anxiety. Please read about it and start some cbt urgently virtually due to the pandemic. Here is link to read through. X

www.nhs.uk/conditions/hypochondria/Documents/Health%20Anxiety%20A4%20%202010.pdf

@Draineddraineddrained

Can I please ask what it is that makes you vulnerable to Covid? Totally your business if you want to keep it private and I don't want to know so I can "talk you out of" your fears, I just think it might provide some context x

@Draineddraineddrained

My BMI is 37. It was 30 when I was pregnant. I needed to work on my weight then, but I can’t blame pregnancy for my weight gain, it’s all been emotional eating after DC was born.
I know it’s my fault that I’m vulnerable because of my weight, but none the less, it puts me at risk.

I have asthma. I’m on low dose steroid inhaler (brown) and occasionally use a blue inhaler.

I’m currently waiting for a diagnosis for my joints.
I’ve been referred to a rheumatologist as my GP suspects I have inflammatory arthritis.
I have psoriasis so she thinks it’s linked to this.
I’ve started with joint pain since giving birth.

No one (medically trained) has ever told me how vulnerable all of these things make me.

But over the course of last year, I’ve read so many different things, on here, on Google, on social media and I’ve been living as if they all make me extremely vulnerable.

I’m so deep into this now. I’m genuinely petrified.

I saw a post on here a few months back (Covid board) a poster had a similar BMI to me and was thrashed on there for it.

I’m reluctantly telling you this about my BMI to answer your question. Please don’t grill me for it.

I know it’s high, and I take full responsibility for it.

I’m not trying to make excuses but I don’t smoke or drink and have taken far too much comfort in food over a very tough year.

@NicoleKidmanSuperFan

Everyone on here who is asking OP to tell her why she thinks she’s vulnerable is only going to make her worse by reassuring her. Health anxiety and ocd feeds off of reassurance which is why when OP’s DH shows her stats it only enables the health anxiety/ocd further.

You’re right. But I’m not here for reassurance.
I didn’t post my conditions in my OP.

I’ve just posted them as someone has asked, but that’s not for reassurance, that’s just to explain what I have to be anxious about.

I’ve been struggling with this for 11 months now so no amount of “your not that vulnerable” is going to be of reassurance to me.

I’m not here looking for that.

Oh OP I would never ever give you grief for a high BMI, esp for emotional eating - I put on 2 stone in about 6 months after my mum died, I absolutely do not judge you for it and neither should you xx

With that combination of concerns and the lack of clarity on what they really mean for you I can see why you feel so at risk and so anxious. I still think you would benefit from exploring meds, because as others have said even if your anxiety were completely valid it is not serving you, it is taking over your life and your thoughts. You will be able to risk assess and protect yourself much better with a clear head, with your mind not flat with panic.

Not to overshare but I lost my mum to suicide, after she had suffered decades of terrible mental health problems. You have to take it seriously, and take care of yourself like you would your dearest loved one - if not for you then for your child. You really do seem to be in a spiral and it's horrible. I've been there, and I took the meds, and they helped so much. I'm off them now. Being on them have me the chance to gather myself back together and deal with all the feelings that were flattening me. They didn't make me numb or hopeless. Please consider giving it a try xx

I had covid in March, at the time I was a smoker (completely stopped now) and bmi was about 32 at that point, so classed as obese I think. I was poorly, fatigued and the cough caused me to cough up blood but I was able to take care of myself at home, I kmow everyone that has it has different symptoms but I'm trying to say, I was very very unhealthy and in still alive and kicking... I know you won't be reassured by people on the Internet but honestly please try to relax!!! Xx

Having a baby changes your view of the world. For me, the world (temporarily) became terrifying, there’s so much danger! This manifested itself in severe health anxiety for me. You’re not alone in reassessing the world after having a baby, but some help from your GP will really help.

OP, what are you willing to do to fix this?

My husband has an extreme anxiety disorder his entire life. He’s been medicated, undergone therapy, and even been hospitalised. It’s not easy but he’s done everything he can to keep on top of it. I don’t think I could have stayed with him if I didn’t see that from him.

Some women are overly sensitive to hormonal fluctuations e.g. PMS, PMDD, PND and peri menopausal depression. And for a few of those women their symptoms are severe and, if not correctly treated, the consequences can be devastating.

Talking therapy is all well and good, but what you have is a chemical imbalance and you need the proper medication to correct it. Please see your GP.

I feel for you. This isn't easy, having healthy anxiety. I feel for your DH as well.

I don't know if this will help or not. But we don't know what's going to happen in life, ever. We have to live for today. That's why it's so important for you to get help. Your brain has got stuck in emergency what if mode.

Your actual REAL life (lovely DH, enjoying your DC's infancy) which is DEFINITELY happening, is being ruined by your IMAGINED life (where you get ill) that will probably NEVER happen.

Personally I found a GOOD hypnotherapist that also explained how my brain worked really helped, but I really REALLY wish I'd acted sooner and taken meds. My anxiety and depression robbed me of part of my life I can't get back. I'm ok now, 3 years later, a lot better than I was, but I'm not quite right. I'm still considering going on meds as I feel I've lost sight of what feels normal.

Btw it's quite common to get joint pain after you have a baby, esp if you breastfeed. I remember being in agony walking up the stairs.

@Chel098

Was you anxious before having your baby? (Before Covid).

To an extent, yes.

I’ve always been a bit of a worrier, but it’s never interfered with my life like this.

I’ve never worried about illnesses or germs etc like I do now.

When I was pregnant I started to feel anxious then. I worried something would go wrong in pregnancy or labour.

I told my midwife and I did a pregnancy mindfulness course which helped.

DC was born and I did start to feel better but then we had weight gain issues which caused me a lot of anxiety.

Then of course Covid happened and it all just spiralled.

I had such an intense fear of dying and leaving my baby and back then Covid was what “would” kill me.

The problem is that fear has never left, it’s stuck and it’s manifested.

My husband can tell me repeatedly that I’m irrational, that people don’t worry like I do.

I listen to him but just think “you’re just saying this”

But then I’ve posted on here and everyone is saying the same thing.

That should tell me something shouldn’t it, but even now I’m sat here thinking “people don’t understand I’m vulnerable and i should be living like this”

Sorry... I really genuinely appreciate all of these replies, but it’s like my mind will now allow me to believe anything other than my own thoughts.😖

So moving forward what’s your plan OP. (I don’t want to repeat what others have said). Do you think you can call the GP in the morning? I don’t want to sound mean just a bit brisk..... your husband has said he is going to leave (he’s at breaking point).

@FineWhiteBread

OP, what are you willing to do to fix this?

My husband has an extreme anxiety disorder his entire life. He’s been medicated, undergone therapy, and even been hospitalised. It’s not easy but he’s done everything he can to keep on top of it. I don’t think I could have stayed with him if I didn’t see that from him.

@FineWhiteBread

I have done 20 weeks of CBT.

We did focus a lot of elements of OCD.

It did help, I did start to feel better.
In the summer I even went to a shopping centre, bought clothes and sat and had a coffee, which now I can’t believe I even did.

I know I’m stuck in a horrible thought process which is telling me that this is who I am.

And honestly I’ve been telling myself everyone just feels the same right now so why am I an exception to get more help than I’ve already had.

I've name changed for this, but your story sounds so similar to mine when I had post natal depression / anxiety- only it was over 10years ago, so it wasn't covid I was worried about; I was convinced I had a horrible neurological diagnosis and couldn't shift the thoughts - constantly googling symptoms and unable to relax/enjoy anything as my thoughts kept going back there.

I've no idea how my husband coped, tbh. What saved things -certainly my marriage and possibly my life- were 1) antidepressants. Within 2 weeks I felt better and within 4 weeks the thoughts had faded to pretty much manageable levels. And 2) stopping breastfeeding/sleep training so I got sleep. Even many years later if I have a run of bad nights for whatever reason the health anxieties creep back in. It's definitely related to sleep deprivation for me. You don't have to stop breastfeeding to take antidepressants or to sleep train, but for me it was the right decision as it took away the 24/7 responsibility for our child, and allowed me to mentally switch off.

Please please speak to your dr asap and focus not on your actual risk of covid but on how your anxieties about it are impacting on your life. If your husband can see you are getting help hopefully he'll be willing to support you. I really hope you start to feel better soon.

@Draineddraineddrained

Oh OP I would never ever give you grief for a high BMI, esp for emotional eating - I put on 2 stone in about 6 months after my mum died, I absolutely do not judge you for it and neither should you xx

With that combination of concerns and the lack of clarity on what they really mean for you I can see why you feel so at risk and so anxious. I still think you would benefit from exploring meds, because as others have said even if your anxiety were completely valid it is not serving you, it is taking over your life and your thoughts. You will be able to risk assess and protect yourself much better with a clear head, with your mind not flat with panic.

Not to overshare but I lost my mum to suicide, after she had suffered decades of terrible mental health problems. You have to take it seriously, and take care of yourself like you would your dearest loved one - if not for you then for your child. You really do seem to be in a spiral and it's horrible. I've been there, and I took the meds, and they helped so much. I'm off them now. Being on them have me the chance to gather myself back together and deal with all the feelings that were flattening me. They didn't make me numb or hopeless. Please consider giving it a try xx

@Draineddraineddrained

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

I’m also so sorry for your loss. ❤️

@Chel098

So moving forward what’s your plan OP. (I don’t want to repeat what others have said). Do you think you can call the GP in the morning? I don’t want to sound mean just a bit brisk..... your husband has said he is going to leave (he’s at breaking point).

@Chel098

Yes. I will call them in the morning.

I’m won’t lie, I feel sick at the thought of it.

OP be kinder to yourself. I felt hugely anxious at the start of the pandemic, I have autoimmune disease as does one of my children, and I am twenty years older than you, but with my dc still young, dd2 was 12 during the first lockdown.
For me it did feel quite like post natal anxiety, I also had a traumatic birth with my first baby, where I collapsed and needed a blood transfusion, and after the birth I worried constantly about dying and leaving my baby motherless. I think many women have those feelings of anxiety, and a traumatic birth makes it worse. Those same worries have come up again this year, the fear of leaving my dc. It is a natural reaction to be anxious, it is a very worrying time !
I know you are going to talk to your GP, have you properly talked this all through with your DH ? He seems not to understand at all the impact of a traumatic birth, plus a newborn during the most frightening period most of us have lived through. Walking out on you and your baby so soon is crap, frankly. I think he needs to talk to someone perhaps ?

I can’t comment on medication, because I found post natally that I just adjusted to the anxiety and it got easier as my children got older, and this year I think my fear is reasonable, so not something that needs medicating. I hope that you can get some more support though, whether that also involves some medication for a while or not. 

If it helps I know a few people older than you (in their forties) and overweight who have had or have been exposed to Covid and are fine, one had no symptoms at all, shared a bed with Covid positive partner but didn’t catch it. Being overweight does increase risk of complications but your youth and sex will mitigate much of that risk. You are not at high risk of death. Try and focus on that until you get to talk to your GP.

Another saying you need to see a GP pronto. I was OK postnatal, but had pretty bad ante-natal anxiety and got myself in to such a state.

Your anxiety is causing you to vastly overestimate risk. The group of people who are more likely to die than survive if they catch covid is really very small, and from your description you are not even close to being in that group. You are in your 30s, even with additional (low level) risk factors your risk is still very very small. As others have said, this level of fear really is disproportionate to the risk you face and you need help to deal with it.

I hope you do call them OP. Think of your family. Think of your husband. If he was ill what would you do? Would you help him?