Husband is ready to leave me...

[allthingsbrighter]

I’ve been with DH for 14 years (married 3)

Last year we had our first baby who is now coming up to 11 months old.

It’s been an incredibly tough time. I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and I had 20 weeks of CBT.

I’m still not coping and it’s changing me as a person.

I’m struggling to focus on family life. I feel withdrawn from DC & DH.

My mind is completely consumed with negative thoughts and they’re all around Covid.

I feel like I have a death sentence looming over me, there’s this danger outside my doors and once it gets me, I’m done.

I’m coming up to 35 and I fall into the vulnerable category, although I’m not CEV / shielding.

I’m irritable all of the time, and it’s always with DH.
I feel annoyed by him. Wound up when he’s around.
He tries to have a conversation with me and I feel in a rush to finish it because my mind is so so consumed by thoughts of Covid and death that I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else.

I feel like I’ve become incredibly selfish.
DH is brilliant. He’s a great dad and husband.
He cooks, he helps to clean, I don’t think there is much more he could do.

He’s considerate of how I feel. He WFH and he gets up early during the week with DC so that I can have an hour extra in bed whilst he does breakfast.

All this sounds great but then overnight he gets uninterrupted sleep whilst I’m up feeding / settling DC.
I’m not sure if this is a fair arrangement, but I feel irritated when he’s laid there next to me asleep and I’m awake with the baby.

When it comes to weekends we both have one sleep in each, but when it’s his turn I again feel irritated and angry at him.
I will remind him not to be spending all day in bed, even though to date he’s never done that, and he’s never once said anything to me about how long I choose to sleep in for.

DC won’t settle with DH for sleep and it’s me that does the bedtime routine. (DC breastfed and feeds to sleep)
DH will sit with us upstairs until DC has gone down, but again I feel irritated by him like he should be doing more(even though I don’t know what)

I know my behaviour is really upsetting him, he’s spoken to me about it and I’ve told him how anxious and worried I am about Covid.

He keeps repeatedly telling me I’m irrational and my fears aren’t logical.
I feel like he’s just humouring me and he doesn’t understand that I’m vulnerable.

He’s shown me stats of the deaths for the under 40’s, told me they account for less than 1% of the total deaths.
But when he’s telling me these things, my mind is telling me to ignore him because he’s wrong and just trying to humour me.

I feel like a lot of the time I project onto DH.
I can spend the day playing and doing lots of activities with DC, but I know my mind is running elsewhere. It’s in the clouds worrying about Covid, going back to work, DC going to nursery, DH popping to the office, DH going to the supermarket....

When DH comes home I feel so emotionally fatigued that I take it out on him, I feel like he’s thinking I’ve been a crap mum for the day, I’ve not done enough around the house or I haven’t been focused enough on DC.

He’s never said any of this to me, but I’m conceived he does think it.

Today he’s told me he’s had enough and that living with me is too difficult for him.

He said he loves me but he’s really tired of trying and getting nothing in return.

I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t think of a reason why I want him to stay.
I know that I love him, but I know that he’s better off without me.

I don’t know how to make him happy anymore.

My life is such a mess. I’m completely stuck in my mind. 😔

Please get yourself seen by GP, Im no expert but I would be concerned that you have sever post natal depression. If you can't feel like you can contact your GP, ask your DH to make appointment for you and DELIVER you there. Please don't spend any longer on google or whatever. Clearly this isn't just about Covid xxx Medication can be amazing OP but ask for help (if nothing else, to save your marriage)

Firstly, Google is not your friend. Your husband is right. He's not being dismissive. It really is as simple as to not read about Vivid. That will help.

Secondly, you need to see a Dr asap. You don't need to stress about antidepressants, breastfeeding etc at this stage until you have been presented with a range of options or suggestions from your Dr. One step at a time. All that you have to do tomorrow is call and make a drs appt and then take it from there. Your Dr won't be dismissive.

There are other PND charities too. Mother's for Mother's, Bluebell Trust and similar. You can self refer yourself for talking therapies/CBT etc on the NHS. There will be waiting lists, so do that asap.

Also, mindfulness. Download the calm app.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mood-self-assessment/

Would be worth actually seeing how you rate on a standard mood assessment.

Please speak to a GP via telephone consult or online consultation as it sounds like your thinking is spiraling and you are catastrophising constantly. In my experience anxiety can grow and grow if nothing is done.

Look at the anxietyUk website for further information and help.

This is exactly how I felt in your situation until I started taking antidepressants. I started in citalopram and after about 3 years changed on to Fluoxetine. They have helped me to get over being irrationally angry and short rempered all the time. I also don't have panic attacks any more or feel really anxious about things.

I had lots of doubts about taking tablets but I changed my view when my GP said this: if a couple required IVF to have a baby, would you judge them for it? No. And does it make any difference how the child was conceived? No. So what is the problem with them having some medical assistance to get where they want to be? You should see medicating your anxiety and low mood in the same way. It more than likely won't be for ever, but will medically assist an imbalance to allow you to live your life the way you would like to.

In all honesty I had convinced myself that I am someone who would have to take tablets forever in order to be myself, and didn't see how I would get back to being who I was before I had my son. I've tried numerous times over the years to stop the tablets, but after 3 or 4 days have had to resume taking them as I could se ei wasn't coping and wasn't ready. I am now 5 years down the line and 2 weeks tablet free because I have finally reached a point where I've felt truly back to myself. I am proud of myself for being able to stop taking the tablets, but even prouder for being able to take them in the first step and get over seeing it as a weakness. It truly was a strength and has allowed me to be where I am today.

I truly truly understand how you are feeling right now, please be kind to yourself and speak to you doctor to find the right solution for you

Sorry - there were paragraphs when I typed that out

i dont agree you need medication and to stop breastfeeding.
cant believe thats actually come up as a solution.
is this first baby?its a HUGE MASSIVE change to your life.i was 22 with ds1,doctor had to request i remove my pants at birth..honesstly /clueless.called my ma to ask if babies wear hats all time..even in own house...i breastfed but sod all came naturally n responsibility was a huge weight. i think you do need supported.hes doing a grand job. by sounds of it. ..if your still bf and aware of all this-so are you.cbt might help...but really you need an ear- maybe try mind or bf support line may be useful. if you want mail me.your fears are sorta real and relevant...but your life and his and babies are realer. its like your projecting focus..praps cos adapting isnt quite hitting the mark yet?

Don’t stop breastfeeding! If you don’t want to stop and it’s going well, carry on, as it’s so therapeutic for you as well as something that maintains your physical connection to the child while your mind is elsewhere, as you say.

Can you afford private therapy op?

I've had NHS therapy on several occasions including CBT, and it really not great.

Private therapy and venlafaxine changed my life.

I used to freak out over the thought of leaving my house. Now I'm leading a completely normal life. I'm not too fussed about covid, of course I'm taking it seriously, staying home, wearing a mask. But I certainly don't think it's likely to kill me.

OP i have been you.

I'm better now. So much better. It can and will happen for you. But your husband is done and the only person who can save this is you now.

You have to call. You have to take the meds.
Your baby needs you well. Your marriage can survive but not if things don't start on the right path soon.

I remember the choking feeling before trying to get help. I felt paralysed.

You can do this.

Hello OP

I was you too. I had severe post natal anxietyI had irrational fears (going on bridges over rivers, not letting my children play in the garden in case a meteorite may hit them - that’s how bad I was). I had cbt. I have always been a worrier, trouble with breastfeeding ,made me turn to self harm. The only thing that got me out of it was me and my mindset. It took me a few years to realise, I was in charge of the newspapers I read (I always used to get upset at parents and/or children dying), I was in charge of what I looked at and I was in charge of how I felt. I also realised that if I didn’t sort myself out I was going to have a miserable existence in which I did not enjoy my time with my children.

I realise now I should have gone to the GP for some anti anxiety meds like the other posters on here, but I didn’t and feel like those early years were lost to me and my anxiety.

As most calls are by video would your husband join the call with your permission ?

Perhaps it might help him understand as well ?

being vulnerable to covid doesnt mean its a death sentence. it means you are right to take extra precautions. What it doesnt mean is that you allow yourself to slip into a pit of depression and anxiety that affects/wrecks your otherwise good relationship and family life.
We all need to keep going. Find the small pleasures in life.
I was having panic attacks about it in the first lockdown. I also felt overwhelmed and like we had been all told we were going to die of it.
I went to my doctor and finally went on prozac and wish id done it earlier. Its really helped me manage and get things into persepctive and I dont have the side effects I was worried about.

I struggle with health anxiety and a few years ago was almost addicted to reading the health / children's health boards on here. It put all sorts of ideas in my head, I couldn't see the wood for the trees and everything either me or the children had seemed to be a symptom of something serious. I realised how much it was dragging me down and eventually stopped overnight.

I've been so much better since not reading it and now recognise how much it was bringing me down. Please, stop reading stuff on the internet that you know will upset you, it's a really quick change that should have an impact very quickly.

You are unwell, its not your fault. Do not delay any more. Ring the Gp tomorrow. Make some notes on your thoughts or use your original post to help the conversation.

OP I really really hear your and I was you 11 years ago. Terrified 24/7. It is so crippling.

I went onto antidepressants when DS was 2 months old. And started talk therapy soon after that. It became more manageable. Please speak to a dr asap or your health visitor but you must BE HONEST. Don't downplay anything.
Sending you ❤

Hi Op,

I’m sorry that you are in such a dark place.

I can relate to what you are saying with the obsessive thoughts and being adamant you are right about them. If anything it can be a self fulfilling prophecy, you are so worried about covid killing you so you eat more, you don’t look after yourself and so you put yourself greater risk, either of getting Covid more seriously or off making another condition worse and you getting sick that way.

I found that the best way to manage my anxiety was three things

Exercise so that you release the happy hormones and tire yourself out enough you sleep. In your situation get baby Accepting bottles so your DH can feed them and make him do the night waking.

Yoga/meditation keep yourself nice and calm and relaxed, so herbal sleepy tea and sleepy yoga in your pjs before bed

Doing something positive about the issue, so for you maybe managing your conditions as well as possible, watching your diet to avoid trigger foods, getting yourselves healthy as possible so if you catch it, then hopefully it won’t be so severe. Getting counselling with someone who is used to anxiety

Anti anxiety meds help in the short term but they re not. Magic pill. You need a bigger more encompassing approach

@Draineddraineddrained not all babies or mothers struggle to stop breast feeding. At 11 months the baby doesn't necessarily need to breastfeed now.
It's irrelevant whether OP KNOWS he anger at her dh is irrational or not, she still feels anger towards him because he isn't doing his share of night feeds as she sees it.
Nowhere did I say she MUST give up breast feeding. I was pointing out that it's not the end of the world if she does, and she doesn't need to put more pressure on herself to continue to, if stopping might be something that will help. It could be another irrational fear, and people, that have cam on to say what a terrible idea it is and announce that it will make things worse (as you did) could be eating into that irrational fear.
Also, if she isn't put on the medication that is compatible with breastfeeding, and given something else, then the best decision is to prioritise her mental health.

@tolerable If you can't believe that medication was suggested as a solution, then you clearly know nothing about mental health. OP is not just overwhelmed or having trouble adjusting to motherhood, she's clearly unwell. But hey, I guess you know better than the scores of women who posted here to say that medication got them well again, or the medical professionals who prescribed it.

OP, there is nothing wrong with taking medication for mental health reasons, just as you'd take medication for physical ailments. There should be no stigma around it in this day and age.

OP I’m glad you’re going to call the Dr tomorrow.

Please stop looking at the Covid board on here, news articles and googling about Covid. Give yourself a break from it all, I can guarantee you will feel so much better if you can do that.

Lack of sleep is exhausting on its own - not ignoring what others have said. Having a baby is exhausting and so different to life before a child - and in a pandemic with no usual baby activities makes it more isolating.

Are there any online baby activities that you can join?

^I’ve been reluctant to call because I feel like all they will do is give me medication, which I’m more than happy to take, but I want more than that.
I need to talk to someone too.^

It's great that you recognise that you want to talk to someone, but I see the pattern you are in and think you are unlikely to break it without medication. I was urged by family and my GP to see a therapist when I had severe anxiety. After one session he said "I don't think you need therapy. I think you have OCD and need an SSRI to chill you out a bit!" I went back to my GP, got diagnosed, got meds, and was transformed back into a functioning person. Medication can be a godsend in these situations. For me it totally broke the cycle of my thoughts.

Hi OP....I apologise for not reading all thread. If you have a diagnosed severe mental illness which impairs your day to day functioning then you will qualify for a access to earlier Covid vaccination. What’s your official diagnostic status? You need to progress a psych assessment ASAP...ask GP for a referral. Private will be waaay quicker if you can stretch to this. I hope this helps, be brave and good luck!

OP, the Drugs In Breastmilk Information Service might be of use should your GP suggest any medication, you can contact them yourself to ask for advice.

I have been in a similar position to you after having DD and completely understand you being angry with your DH!! I was irrationally furious with DH all of the time and it was only later in therapy that I worked out why. It was irrational but I had felt angry that he wasn't saving me from the situation I was in. Looking back now I can clearly see that he couldn't have 'saved' me as he was in the difficult situation as well and whilst he didn't have a tiny baby totally reliant on him for milk, he did have all of the other problems just as much as I did.

My situation was slightly different as it was DD with an undiagnosed illness that no GP or consultant could/would help with and I became obsessed with scouring the internet to try and diagnose her. I felt trapped as nobody else understood, she was entirely reliant on me breastfeeding her and she screamed constantly, there was no escape.

It's very hard to recognise that your thinking is irrational, anxiety is like that. Please do seek professional help from your GP. Many of us have been where you are and understand the exhaustion of trying to constantly keep afloat. It absolutely can improve though, there will be a time when this doesn't rule your thoughts.

I had to reply because I do the same,your not on your own..I have anxiety & the smallest thing can turn into a big worry(medically),I think you have anxiety too & it really does help to help to speak to your doc,If your not sure on taking meds it will help to just speak to someone..but the docs have meds that arent to strong,find something to focus your mind when your feeling worked up like read a book or something simple like paint your nails & be patient with yourself & hubby and slowly but surely you will feel better!

Agree with earlier posters that medication is a stepping stone to recovery which enables sufferers to engage with therapy ....it’s not a solution in its own right but an enabler. View it like this.....part of an overall solution. If CBT didn’t work for you, consider DBT. It is longer term ...google it and see if any private groups are available.