Husband is ready to leave me...

[allthingsbrighter]

I’ve been with DH for 14 years (married 3)

Last year we had our first baby who is now coming up to 11 months old.

It’s been an incredibly tough time. I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and I had 20 weeks of CBT.

I’m still not coping and it’s changing me as a person.

I’m struggling to focus on family life. I feel withdrawn from DC & DH.

My mind is completely consumed with negative thoughts and they’re all around Covid.

I feel like I have a death sentence looming over me, there’s this danger outside my doors and once it gets me, I’m done.

I’m coming up to 35 and I fall into the vulnerable category, although I’m not CEV / shielding.

I’m irritable all of the time, and it’s always with DH.
I feel annoyed by him. Wound up when he’s around.
He tries to have a conversation with me and I feel in a rush to finish it because my mind is so so consumed by thoughts of Covid and death that I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else.

I feel like I’ve become incredibly selfish.
DH is brilliant. He’s a great dad and husband.
He cooks, he helps to clean, I don’t think there is much more he could do.

He’s considerate of how I feel. He WFH and he gets up early during the week with DC so that I can have an hour extra in bed whilst he does breakfast.

All this sounds great but then overnight he gets uninterrupted sleep whilst I’m up feeding / settling DC.
I’m not sure if this is a fair arrangement, but I feel irritated when he’s laid there next to me asleep and I’m awake with the baby.

When it comes to weekends we both have one sleep in each, but when it’s his turn I again feel irritated and angry at him.
I will remind him not to be spending all day in bed, even though to date he’s never done that, and he’s never once said anything to me about how long I choose to sleep in for.

DC won’t settle with DH for sleep and it’s me that does the bedtime routine. (DC breastfed and feeds to sleep)
DH will sit with us upstairs until DC has gone down, but again I feel irritated by him like he should be doing more(even though I don’t know what)

I know my behaviour is really upsetting him, he’s spoken to me about it and I’ve told him how anxious and worried I am about Covid.

He keeps repeatedly telling me I’m irrational and my fears aren’t logical.
I feel like he’s just humouring me and he doesn’t understand that I’m vulnerable.

He’s shown me stats of the deaths for the under 40’s, told me they account for less than 1% of the total deaths.
But when he’s telling me these things, my mind is telling me to ignore him because he’s wrong and just trying to humour me.

I feel like a lot of the time I project onto DH.
I can spend the day playing and doing lots of activities with DC, but I know my mind is running elsewhere. It’s in the clouds worrying about Covid, going back to work, DC going to nursery, DH popping to the office, DH going to the supermarket....

When DH comes home I feel so emotionally fatigued that I take it out on him, I feel like he’s thinking I’ve been a crap mum for the day, I’ve not done enough around the house or I haven’t been focused enough on DC.

He’s never said any of this to me, but I’m conceived he does think it.

Today he’s told me he’s had enough and that living with me is too difficult for him.

He said he loves me but he’s really tired of trying and getting nothing in return.

I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t think of a reason why I want him to stay.
I know that I love him, but I know that he’s better off without me.

I don’t know how to make him happy anymore.

My life is such a mess. I’m completely stuck in my mind. 😔

This is 100% depression or PND

Wife was very similar a few years ago with our 1st and this was exactly how she was. she ended up going to her GP, was prescribed antidepressants for about 8 months, even that was awful, was like living with a zombie, eventually she managed to overcome it in her own time but those 18 months was the worst having to live with her like this and i was very close myself to calling it a day, currently similar story atm as her father died horribly last year but trying my best to not press the nuke button and call it a day but fvck me, its hard when you try your best and just hope it eventually sorts itself out

Sorry just realised how long that was! And I know covid is a genuine real fear (mine was something similar) but you can't let it ruin your life like this

@jwills

Can I ask you about the birth? Was it traumatic? I was diagnosed with PTSD/birth trauma when dc was 3 months old. I was prescribed setreline for the anxiety and had EMDR therapy for the trauma of the birth. I feel like I could have written your post *@allthingsbrighter*

You need to explain to your husband that you are unwell, you need him to stay and need his support. I know it’s so hard. I think you are right when you say you are projecting on to him with maybe some of the feelings you have about yourself.

You are doing great. Your baby is happy and healthy. Be kind to yourself.

@jwills

Once I’d given birth, I told the midwife I felt traumatised. She laughed and said I meant overwhelmed.

I was induced at 37 + 2 (I had ICP)

My waters broke on their own and I was started on a drip. 30 minutes later I had intense contractions. I told the midwife and she told me I wasn’t dilated (when the drip was administered she examined me and put a clip on babies head to monitor)

I remember being in the most horrific pains and telling them midwife I could feel the babies head coming.
She told me I wasn’t in established labour and I couldn’t feel the head.

Literally minutes later I was crouched on the floor in pain, the midwife grabbed me, pushed me onto the bed and my baby was born two contractions later.

It was all very very fast and I remember feeling things weren’t right, I knew I wasn’t at the star of labour but she didn’t believe me.

When I told her I felt traumatised she told me I was just overwhelmed so I’ve never felt like I could bring it up since because maybe I’m just being dramatic.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

she's also annoyed that her partner doesn't do night feeds. How can he is the baby is breast fed and doesn't take a bottle?

As she herself has acknowledged her anger at her DH is irrational. She KNOWS this. Him doing night feeds wouldn't help as her anger would transfer onto something else. She's terrified she's going to die, she feels unheard, so she's full of fight or flight panicky emotion that is coming out any way it can.

Reading all the OP's posts, do you GENUINELY think having the weaning battle NOW, with all its attendant crying, sleeplessness, stress and upset to the whole family, the hormonal crash that is likely to occur in the OP and the unsettlement to her baby, to get baby onto formula for effectively a few weeks as at 11 months baby will very soon not "need" either BM or formula as a major part of its diet, is a sensible approach and is going to improve things for the OP and her family???

I’ll tell you my experience and what helped me. I had PND after 2nd child, no Covid around but I was convinced my baby was going to die. After DC turned 1 I realised he wasn’t and I’d spent 18 months living my life as if I was staring death in the face. I was still breastfeeding and tried numerous anti-depressants until I found one that helped. I saw my GP at least weekly, I know this is difficult right now and my HV came weekly. I was on a long waiting list for talking therapies and had a bad day feeling I was ruining everyone’s life and took what should have been a fatal overdose. Luckily I realised it wasn’t what I wanted and went to A&E. I had to stay in hospital overnight and was advised not to breastfeed for 48 hours due to level of drug in my body. Because of this baby didn’t actually ask for another breastfeed again and so I stopped. Baby started sleeping through. I was under the crisis team and got the support I needed.

Basically what I’m trying to say is. You need to seek the help, you say you’re reluctant to go on medication because of it passing on to baby. There is evidence showing it is safe. Would a small amount of medication passing on to baby be worse than an extremely anxious Mum who’s scared to go out the house? No. Would it be worse than parents splitting due to untreated anxiety? No. If you are worried, stop breastfeeding. Yes breastfeeding is amazing and lovely but your mental health takes priority. You also need to switch off your phone. It’s detrimental.
Your DH sounds like he’s been amazing but there’s only so long a partner can watch someone not helping themselves.
You can do this.

[quote allthingsbrighter]@PlacidPenelope

I ask you again, what does worrying about Covid to the extreme level you are actually achieve? In what way does it help? Does it provide a magic shield against the virus?

It doesn’t achieve much, other than mental exhaustion, anxiety, fear.

I can’t tolerate uncertainty and I know that by thinking of Covid, Googling, reading etc, I’m trying to find an answer (am I going to die) but I can’t find it.

It’s the uncertainty that I absolutely cannot cope with. I’m constantly searching for reassurance / answers.[/quote]
As part of your cbt have you done any work around tolerating uncertainty? You’ll probably know from your sessions that your behaviours have a significant impact on thoughts and vice versa etc... in cbt a piece of work around increasing tolerating uncertainty can be done and can be very effective if you engage xx

Here’s an example of the way in which our minds work and tolerating uncertainty is a very achievable goal

Allison and Brenda are both referred for an abdominal ultrasound because of recurring abdominal pain. Allison asks her doctor about the possible cause of her pain and the medical procedure and then makes an appointment. During the next few days, she thinks about the procedure and starts to feel anxious. She tells herself, however, that the procedure will help determine the cause of her pain. She continues with her daily activities and doesn’t think too much about the procedure.

Brenda, on the other hand, asks her doctor plenty of questions. She wants to be reassured and told that she does not have cancer. Over the next few days, she thinks often about the procedure, imagining that she will be told she has cancer and that she will have to undergo difficult treatments, that she might die, and that her children will grow up without a mother. To calm herself, she looks for information on the internet and asks her husband for reassurance about her condition. Despite everything she is told, she continues to feel anxious and has difficulty sleeping’.

I think you could really do with going on antidepressants for a bit.
If you get the right one, they really do help with the intrusive thoughts and anxiety. Its got to be worth a try,
Im pretty sure you can still breastfeed on them

[quote allthingsbrighter]@PlacidPenelope

I ask you again, what does worrying about Covid to the extreme level you are actually achieve? In what way does it help? Does it provide a magic shield against the virus?

It doesn’t achieve much, other than mental exhaustion, anxiety, fear.

I can’t tolerate uncertainty and I know that by thinking of Covid, Googling, reading etc, I’m trying to find an answer (am I going to die) but I can’t find it.

It’s the uncertainty that I absolutely cannot cope with. I’m constantly searching for reassurance / answers.[/quote]
Thanks for answering allthingsbrighter.

I am sure you don't want to spend the rest of your life with mental exhaustion, anxiety and fear and this is why you need proper help.

I am glad you have agreed that you will call your GP tomorrow morning, please be completely honest with them about the level of your anxiety which is, as you admit, extreme and the knock on effect of it on your husband and child.

I wish you luck, you can change this and the result will be a far better life for you, your husband and child but you can't do it alone, you need help, it is out there, please get it.

@allthingsbrighter

I'm so sorry, your birth sounds traumatic to me and the midwife was probably covering her arse laughing it off as she had clearly totally failed in her job to monitor your progress and support you appropriately. It must have been terrifying needing and asking for help and being given none at your most vulnerable. It is not too late to make a complaint to the trust about your care, although now may not be the best moment for you in your current state. But absoslutely this is the type of birth trauma that can precipitate PND. You were NOT being dramatic hug

You have to choose your worst case scenarios.
Feel anxious forever and terrified of Covid.
Feel detached from your child due to obsessive thoughts.
Lose your husband and live alone with no support from him.
Jeapordise your job and income because you're too anxious to go back to work.
OR ask for help from your GP and explore the possibility of feeling better with medication then therapy. Explore the benefits of stopping breastfeeding now in order to share the load and make your child's time at nursery easier.
By shutting down all options with vague, unproven concerns, such as "I don't want to feel numb, or I just don't want to stop breastfeeding". Well, that's your anxiety talking. It has taken over your rational mind. Do let the GP and MH units help to feel better and save your relationship.

If he is up with the baby each morning so you can have extra time in bed then it's fair that you settle the baby at night. Especially as you do say he will not settle for dh.

OP - you need medication and good quality therapy.

I had a very bad dose of PND and anxiety after my second child. You are not rational at all. It is possible to be worried and concerned without allowing it to control your life.

It sounds like I may be a similar category of risk to you. I’m concerned and taking particular care but it doesn’t permeate my day to day life. I just take sensible precautions and crack on.

You not being able to do that is concerning.

You sound resistant to help and it’s part of the illness.

I would also consider giving up breastfeeding so you can share nighttimes.

You cannot logically expect someone who cannot feed your child to get up for nighttime feeds.

I was resistant to medication. I’m just angry I didn’t start taking it earlier. It has been life changing. I take Sertraline and within a couple of weeks I felt like my old self.

Can I please ask what it is that makes you vulnerable to Covid? Totally your business if you want to keep it private and I don't want to know so I can "talk you out of" your fears, I just think it might provide some context x

I also suffer anxiety, and post natal anxiety since having DD. - OH finds it hard with me too sometimes, we’ve been through particularly difficult stages and exactly like you I just have times when just his presence makes me angry.

When he talks I can’t feel myself immediately rolling my eyes and just not caring.

It still happens occasionally some days better than others but I’ve learnt that these feeling ARE my anxiety and not my relationship. I’ve learnt that even though he’s annoying the life out of me (just got asking what we’d like for tea) and me snapping at him, I’ve learnt to say sorry and that I’m anxious again, that I’m scared, frustrated and annoyed at the situation at the moment.

He’s a lot better at understanding now that I’m better at understanding too. I never used to want to say sorry as I had nothing to be sorry for. But it’s helped massively it makes me take the time to think every time we have tiff about something that (unless he’s genuinely been a sod which is occasional but not always) It’s because of how I feel, which isn’t wrong, but it’s also not his fault. He support me a lot better now he knows that my ‘aggression’? isn’t maliciously aimed at him it’s just a symptom of the fear I have.

Im not saying that saying sorry to your DH whenever you have a tiff will help you, but both understanding whether it’s an issue in your relationship or whether it’s a symptom of your anxiety can put you both on the road to supporting each other and remaining together if that what you want.

Offering for a virtual and socially distanced hand hold as I know how confused and frustrated you must feel at the moment.

@allthingsbrighter really sorry you’re going through this op, but I only echo what every one else has said. You’re really not well at all, and the fact that you don’t appear to have insight is the worrying thing. Yes you may feel like you know you aren’t quite right but you don’t seem to grasp the severity of your illness.

Why don’t you tell us why you think/or are vulnerable and maybe we could reassure you.

For what it’s worth, I’m 35 with 4 dc and currently have covid as does my dh.

The thing that strikes me op is every solution uou say “but I don’t want to” other than speaking to a gp.

You need to try to intellectually grasp that’s your illness speaking and not your rational mind. You need to physically force yourself to be honest with the doctor, and to accept whatever course of action he or she recommends.

The first step is telling your husband properly and how you’re going to seek and accept help. Whatever form that needs to take. It is likely to be medication at this stage, but whatever it is, it will be better than this. For all of you

Your child deserves a mother who is happy and enjoying maternity leave. Your husband deserves to enjoy this time with his new child. You deserve it. Not for you all to be living with serious illness.

If you need to seek your husbands help when explaining to the doctor if you can’t bring yourself to do it alone. Tell the surgery it’s a serious mental health issue and uou need an urgent appointment. You will get better, and you will be able to live normally again and enjoy being a parent.

You sound very unwell and your husband most likely feels totally out of his depth with you. Please seek medical help for all your sakes. Hope you can be well soon.

You need to call your GP and also consider private therapy if you can afford it as wait times will be less

@allthingsbrighter it sounds like you have health anxiety/ocd about health focussing around covid. There is nothing wrong with you as a person and you can’t help these feelings. When you look at stats and news etc this is you doing your compulsions.
For example the thought of covid comes while you are trying to play with your child, this leads to you thinking about it, this may lead to you trying to find ways to avoid it or just ruminating on it and feeling sad and therefore you feel anxious and disconnected. It sounds like you have depression with it too now as it’s gone on for a while now and that can make your hormones imbalanced as there is too much cortisol being released too.
Once you have cbt and some medication you will learn how to distract yourself from those compulsions.
Try this, when the the thought comes just sit with it, don’t keep thinking about what would happen just let it sit there and welcome it but don’t try to argue with it. Distract yourself and remind yourself to be present in what’s happening right now and tell yourself I don’t want to deal with thinking about this thought further today. Read a book, watch your favourite programme, sing to DC. Soon you’ll start finding the joy with your DH again.
Don’t let him leave, right now you’re clouded by anxiety that is not your fault but you must seek cbt help. This pandemic has made people develop anxiety and it’s not your fault. Please DM me if you like.
Lots and lots of love and remember distract yourself, don’t ignore the thoughts but don’t argue with them or think too deeply about them, quickly change to something else. Xxxx

Also you can take medication while breastfeeding. X

I breastfed whilst taking sertraline from when my baby was about 4 weeks old. It was pre covid but I became absolutely obsessed with the idea that my baby was going to die. It took over my life. Starting sertraline was the BEST decision I have ever made. Exactly like you I was really worried it would affect my baby. It didn't in the slightest, he is totally fine and wonderful and we breast-fed until he was 2. I am pregnant again and aftet a short break during early pregnancy I restarted sertraline in my third trimester. It is by far the best thing for me and my family and outweighs any potential risk (risk is very small).

Please seek help OP. Within a month or two you could be feeling so different and enjoying your life, husband and baby again x

Everyone on here who is asking OP to tell her why she thinks she’s vulnerable is only going to make her worse by reassuring her. Health anxiety and ocd feeds off of reassurance which is why when OP’s DH shows her stats it only enables the health anxiety/ocd further.
OP the way out of this is education. Once you learn about your condition you will realise how it takes a toll and eventually see the pattern and get yourself out of it. A good psychiatrist is the best or a clinical psychologist. Unfortunately a lot of GPs or counsellors on the nhs lack the understanding, identifying and process of treating this.
You can and will be fine with your lovely family. Don’t give up hope, you will all be fine and everything will be okay too

I think everyone is worried about the virus, particularly the over 50s.

But, strangely, I think the older you are, the more you realise that you don't want to spend your last years on earth worrying and being miserable (and losing the people you love) through worrying about something that it is pretty certain won't happen.

Even for my 85 year old friend who has diabetes and cancer, the odds if he caught covid are 50/50 according to his consultant!

I think if you can't rationalise that fear, then you should ask for some help.

You have got into the habit of worry. Some worry is good after you have a baby, it helps you adjust and start thinking about this little human being that's just arrived. It stops you forgetting about them and leaving them in the car for two hours (DH I'm looking at you!)

But your worry has got stuck in a groove in your brain and you now need some help to shift your thinking into happier more varied grooves.

Get help OP. Don't put if off. Do it first thing in the morning. And tell your DH you're going to do that and ask for his support.

Its not unusual to be worried about covid. We are being dripfed anxiety invoking news about it several times a day and many of us are also seeking out extra news on it. We have hardly any of our usual strategies for getting through uncertain times.

You owe it to your family to see if medication helps get you through this stressful time. It doesnt have to be forever.

I have been where you are, unable to focus at playtime with irrational worrying.

For me sertaline took the edge off of it. I'm still breastfeeding a 3 year old and although it took a lot of convincing me, because of my anxiety, it is completely safe to do so.

I also underwent CBT. It took me two attempts to find a good therapist, so I would recommend trying another one if your CBT so far hasn't helped. She really helped me breakdown how to rationalise worries.

Finally, I found a support group. I joined Shine mummies on FB. It really helped to talk to other mums feeling the same and they use craft as therapy.

Wishing you all the very best. You will get through this.