Husband is ready to leave me...

[allthingsbrighter]

I’ve been with DH for 14 years (married 3)

Last year we had our first baby who is now coming up to 11 months old.

It’s been an incredibly tough time. I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and I had 20 weeks of CBT.

I’m still not coping and it’s changing me as a person.

I’m struggling to focus on family life. I feel withdrawn from DC & DH.

My mind is completely consumed with negative thoughts and they’re all around Covid.

I feel like I have a death sentence looming over me, there’s this danger outside my doors and once it gets me, I’m done.

I’m coming up to 35 and I fall into the vulnerable category, although I’m not CEV / shielding.

I’m irritable all of the time, and it’s always with DH.
I feel annoyed by him. Wound up when he’s around.
He tries to have a conversation with me and I feel in a rush to finish it because my mind is so so consumed by thoughts of Covid and death that I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else.

I feel like I’ve become incredibly selfish.
DH is brilliant. He’s a great dad and husband.
He cooks, he helps to clean, I don’t think there is much more he could do.

He’s considerate of how I feel. He WFH and he gets up early during the week with DC so that I can have an hour extra in bed whilst he does breakfast.

All this sounds great but then overnight he gets uninterrupted sleep whilst I’m up feeding / settling DC.
I’m not sure if this is a fair arrangement, but I feel irritated when he’s laid there next to me asleep and I’m awake with the baby.

When it comes to weekends we both have one sleep in each, but when it’s his turn I again feel irritated and angry at him.
I will remind him not to be spending all day in bed, even though to date he’s never done that, and he’s never once said anything to me about how long I choose to sleep in for.

DC won’t settle with DH for sleep and it’s me that does the bedtime routine. (DC breastfed and feeds to sleep)
DH will sit with us upstairs until DC has gone down, but again I feel irritated by him like he should be doing more(even though I don’t know what)

I know my behaviour is really upsetting him, he’s spoken to me about it and I’ve told him how anxious and worried I am about Covid.

He keeps repeatedly telling me I’m irrational and my fears aren’t logical.
I feel like he’s just humouring me and he doesn’t understand that I’m vulnerable.

He’s shown me stats of the deaths for the under 40’s, told me they account for less than 1% of the total deaths.
But when he’s telling me these things, my mind is telling me to ignore him because he’s wrong and just trying to humour me.

I feel like a lot of the time I project onto DH.
I can spend the day playing and doing lots of activities with DC, but I know my mind is running elsewhere. It’s in the clouds worrying about Covid, going back to work, DC going to nursery, DH popping to the office, DH going to the supermarket....

When DH comes home I feel so emotionally fatigued that I take it out on him, I feel like he’s thinking I’ve been a crap mum for the day, I’ve not done enough around the house or I haven’t been focused enough on DC.

He’s never said any of this to me, but I’m conceived he does think it.

Today he’s told me he’s had enough and that living with me is too difficult for him.

He said he loves me but he’s really tired of trying and getting nothing in return.

I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t think of a reason why I want him to stay.
I know that I love him, but I know that he’s better off without me.

I don’t know how to make him happy anymore.

My life is such a mess. I’m completely stuck in my mind. 😔

I also don’t think you need a mental health unit at this stage, but obvs don’t know. What you’re posting is really quite extreme.

I’m sure if you had a broken leg you’d seek help, it’s no different when it’s your mind.

Go speak to your husband. Tell him you recognise you’re unwell and you understand the impact on him in living with someone so ill and uou will speak to your gp urgently tomorrow.

Please stop saying you’re fully functioning, you are only physically functioning. That’s not fully. Mentally you need to be functioning too.

Oh OP ok first stop for a moment. A mental health unit isn't the option to look at right now nor is SS , Some posters on mumsnet thoroughly enjoy making a catastrophe out of everything.

Look the reality is you have to make a level of leap of faith at the moment. I do echo all the advice about the GP and being upfront with them but all of that takes a leap of faith. You are mired in a mindset of barriers and fears. You are hiding (not a criticism at all ,it just is).

The crux is if you continue to do this you may well lose your marriage. Not necessarily over the fact you are unwell but that you are not seeking help. I understand you did the CBT but you need more. I know it sounds silly but you have to leap and ask for it.

You absolutely do not know what will happen next. You've understandably made judgements on medication , this that and the other.

Noone will be able to tell you what will work but nothing will if you do not make that leap.

Please understand I do know acutely how hard that it. I know taking that leap is terrifying. You have to decided if the fear of asking for help and all those barriers you have put up is worth losing your marriage. Everything else is just gravy. Ask for help. Go to your gp, stop debating it.

I think you need to either show your dh this post or write out all youve said for him to read. You sound so so appreciative of his help and support to date but maybe you’ve a problem voicing that to him as everything you say is coming out negatively.

I really agree with other posters about going to the dr and getting some medication. I had anxiety related pnd and going to the dr made me feel much more like my old self. I promise you, you will see things in a whole new light. A mix of worry, tiredness and normal being a mum stress is enough for anyone let alone throw in a pandemic into the mix.

For the record my ex dh had depression and would not seek help. It was the reason for a lot of our problems and we separated in the end. I’m sad that my marriage didn’t work out bjt it could saved so easily.

you need medication asap otherwise you will lose your family.
also stop reading covid boards.

You are a good mum and need a hobby. I felt much better when I went back to work xx

For god's sake. This is considerably more serious than the OP needing a HOBBY.

Also, why are you so reluctant to stop breast feeding? If you are prescribed medication that you can't take while breast feeding, surely you will stop feeding and take the medication. Your child needs a mentally stable mother more than breast milk.

There is no reason the OP needs to stop bf. Plenty of anxiety/depression meds that are compatible with bf.

The reasons the OP may be reluctant to stop many and varied, and unless you've bf for more than a few weeks you're unlikely to understand.

For one thing, if she's anxious about health in general and Covid in particular it may give her comfort to know she's building her baby's immune system.

For another, bf when it is working is an incredibly positive and nurturing experience for mother AND child. It releases oxytocin in the mother which improves bonding and raises mood. Many women describe a hormone crash and period of depression/irritability when weaning, especially if done suddenly and before you wanted to. This can be very serious, especially if someone is already ill. Recommending sudden weaning as a solution to mental illness is incredibly irresponsible. It's not like there's breastfeeding on on side and her mental health on the other - these things are interlinked. See stats for severity of PND in breastfeeding be formula feeding mothers. Breastfeeding when it's working well is actually protective of mothers' mental health statistically.

It may be that you need medication and have to stop breastfeeding. You need to do whatever you have to in order to get better. It's not about what you want, it's about what you need to do to get better. It might be worth seeing if there is any support for your husband too, he seems to be taking the brunt of it (not your fault, you're unwell) and it's clearly affecting him.

You need to look into medication. I've had PND twice- first time I sought no help and was a mess. The second time I got help and was prescribed AD (over the phone due to Covid). They made a huge difference. I recently came off them as I thought I was "better", but then I started slipping back into it, so I'm going back on them again. I was a much nicer person when on them and I felt a million times better.

I won't suggest giving up BF, etc, but your husband sounds like he's doing all that he can. There's literally no point in him waking up with you at night if your baby is breastfed and feeds to sleep, though. He can't do anything, plus he (I presume) has a full time job so, sure, he could get up with you and also go to work... but he'll be absolutely no use to you when he's home as he'll be wrecked. He can't sleep when the baby sleeps during the day as he's at work.

I would also personally stop watching the news and block words akin and similar to "Covid" from coming up on social media. If it's causing you distress you need to cut it out until you can deal with it properly.

I’m with others speak to your gp I’m amazed your husband hasn’t intervened already and got you some help

it’s an illness driving your behaviour you need to find options which will allow you to medicate around the bf to see if your anxiety improves don’t choose to live like this it’s not working for any of you

Honestly if it was give up bf to get the help I need at 11 months I’d do it in the bigger picture it’s the best thing for all of you

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this OP. I know it must be very heard but please do try to be kinder and more appreciative of your DH, he sounds like he’s doing all he can. Try the Calm app for your anxiety. I’ve found it helpful. Wishing you all the best x

@PlacidPenelope

I ask you again, what does worrying about Covid to the extreme level you are actually achieve? In what way does it help? Does it provide a magic shield against the virus?

It doesn’t achieve much, other than mental exhaustion, anxiety, fear.

I can’t tolerate uncertainty and I know that by thinking of Covid, Googling, reading etc, I’m trying to find an answer (am I going to die) but I can’t find it.

It’s the uncertainty that I absolutely cannot cope with. I’m constantly searching for reassurance / answers.

@Draineddraineddrained, she's also annoyed that her partner doesn't do night feeds. How can he is the baby is breast fed and doesn't take a bottle? OP hasn't specified weather her child will take breast milk from a bottle or not, just that he's breast fed and she doesn't want to give it up.

Any of us could become seriously ill because of Covid, it is a genuine worry. Right now it’s the worry (anxiety) that is the greater risk to your health, your husbands mental health, your relationship and your child’s well-being.

So you do need to take some action now, and get some support as soon as possible to bring your anxiety down. I would be feeling like you are now if I were in your shoes with a young baby and constantly checking the news etc...I’ve had to turn it off personally as I can’t cope with it.

Try to get some help with sleep routine and stopping the night time breastfeeding. if you can get your baby sleeping through the night and both get a decent nights sleep it will help enormously. Speak to your HV.

@Y67b

Sorry for the repost but not sure if you saw my question. Are you on contraception?

@Y67b

No. Not at the moment.

I had the implant pre DC. I was supposed to have a refit last month but I was 1. Too worried to go into the Drs & 2. Worried the hormones would affect breastfeeding.

I haven’t RTWT but you do sound very unhappy. It might be worth thinking about getting a job, even if PT, to give you something to do outside of the constant baby crying/feeding grind and moving the baby to bottles so you can share the night feeds

No it’s not normal. DH is a frontline physician working with COVID patients. I worried about him at first but not excessively. My MIL would die if she got COVID (she has hugely compromised lungs and spent nearly a decade in and out of hospitals for this) but she isn’t hugely anxious. My kids are in school/daycare (we are not in the UK) for most of the week and again I am not worried. All of us take COVID very very seriously (DH just got his first shot!) but I wouldn’t say anyone is anxious. Your anxiety does sound quite extreme and you do sound unwell.

OP I had my third baby two years ago and for the first 9 months of her life I was battling PND and PNA. Now i say the first 9 months because it was at this period that I had more good days then bad but I started to really feel like myself around August when she was 17 months. It's a marathon healing your mental health.

I was absolutely a horrible person to live with at times and in some weeks having 3 kids to support is what kept us together and the vows we took in sickness because PNA is a sickness.

Some days I would stare into a mirrow and will myself to just feel normal because I couldn't understand why I was scared to go downstairs in my home, why I couldn't get into lifts or sit with my back to a door.

I'm a person who lives for the logical and I was frozen in a state of nothingness and I was angry so angry at my DH. Why was it that I had to endure pregnancy, labour, HG, weight gain, no sleep (breastfeeding) and then on top of it all feel like I was going crazy.

What you are feeling is natural but it's not rational - the way to look at medication is its treating the chemical imbalance that your hormones have caused.

I took a low dose of sertraline every day for 6 months then every other day for a couple more to wean off. I'm still breastfeeding my nearly 2 year old and it causes no side effects, if your worried about development if anything my youngest is far more advanced than my older 2 (ancedotal).

Dont stop breastfeeding but you need to get out of the house. Do you go walking/running. I got back into my running in a big way starting with 20 mins and it does the world of good.

You need to let the waking up in the night go. It's part of the breastfeeding choice to take that on and at 11 months you are almost there.

This feeling you have will pass, all things will end.

Oh also we have a clinically vulnerable child (as a baby he spent time on a ventilator) and with his paediatrician we have deemed it safe for him to go back to school.

Can I ask you about the birth? Was it traumatic? I was diagnosed with PTSD/birth trauma when dc was 3 months old. I was prescribed setreline for the anxiety and had EMDR therapy for the trauma of the birth. I feel like I could have written your post @allthingsbrighter

You need to explain to your husband that you are unwell, you need him to stay and need his support. I know it’s so hard. I think you are right when you say you are projecting on to him with maybe some of the feelings you have about yourself.

You are doing great. Your baby is happy and healthy. Be kind to yourself.

@HTH1

I haven’t RTWT but you do sound very unhappy. It might be worth thinking about getting a job, even if PT, to give you something to do outside of the constant baby crying/feeding grind and moving the baby to bottles so you can share the night feeds

@HTH1

I have a job. I’m on mat leave.

You need to take some sort of medication for a couple of months before you can even think about any sort of talking therapy. There is online CBT available via the NHS if you want something earlier. But if you don't address your behaviour pretty soon you will probably end up being a single parent.

I completely understand the feelings you’re describing. I felt like this (and the obsession with death) after my first baby was born.

It took me a year and going back to work, and it got better. I had talking therapy (for a different mental health problem) and this made a difference. A few times I nearly took medication but in the end I managed through. Maybe I should have taken it and I would have got better quicker- but who knows?

Pregnancy/breastfeeding hormones are strong and it takes such a long time to return to normal.

Do speak to your GP. It was life changing for me and there is help out there- you don’t have to keep feeling like this.

I think if at all possible big decisions about relationships shouldn’t be made until a baby is older (obviously assuming no abuse / danger etc) - bringing up a baby / toddler is so hard, let alone doing it in a pandemic. It causes immense strain to a relationship. Can you agree to shelve discussions about breaking up until the baby is say, 2? It’s survival mode right now. Life will change so much as the child grows and becomes a little more independent. Just focus on helping each other as much as you can, finding coping mechanisms and getting through the days. Speak to your gp and get help. Reassess relationship in a little while.

I really feel for you.
I've had extreme health anxiety since I was about 21, it started when I got pregnant with my first child. I'm 28 now and still worry in waves, I can go weeks care free and then suddenly il be so Worried it stops me eating, sleeping or 'being there'. I actually posted on her for the first time this weekend, mithering over something that happened to me 4 years ago!! Definitely go to the Dr's, and have an open conversation with your partner. If you weren't worrying about covid, you would probably be worrying about something else obsessively. It's how health anxiety works, so you do need to seek some support.

I do feel for your oh too and can understand why he feels the way he does.
I used to really resent oh getting a full night's sleep too, but the fact is if he's working and also getting up early with lo so you can rest...hes being really helpful! You're breastfeeding too, so there's no point him being up?.

Covid is scary, but there is absolutely no point in wasting your days worrying about it. Xx

I have been where you are OP. I had extreme anxiety and paranoia about something (more in line with a phobia) about something everyday that I couldn't escape and could negatively impact me. I was terrified, spent all day and night googling, overthinking, overanalysing, thinking of every tiny thing I could do to protect myself and keep myself safe. It nearly destroyed me and nearly destroyed my relationship too. It was such an awful awful time, it took over every part of my life. I could not see how my thinking was irrational, I was convinced it was everyone else who could not see the danger as well as I could. I was wrong.

The turning point for me was firstly starting a new job that I really wanted, I knew I couldn't throw myself into it without making changes. I pushed myself through some of my fears and completely stopped googling as it was making absolutely no different to the reality and was only making me constantly overthink everything. I did no research, looked at no forums, no googling, stopped talking about it. I accepted my fears were there, but had a few reassuring phrases I would repeat to myself if I started thinking about it.

I also went on sertraline which really changed things for me. I had resisted medication for ages. I feel so utterly stupid for not doing these steps beforehand, it seemed so helpless and I was convinced I would be trapped in this state forever.

I had to make a real conscious decision to stop going online and distract myself whenever I began thinking about it - it was hard but I was determined to get better. CBT only helped a small bit but longer time I think it has benefitted the way I think about things Mindfulness actually helped, only if I did it regularly.

Please accept how unwell you are, as I was. You also wouldn't have known it to look at me from the outside (apart from my boyfriend and people I lived with). If your GP isn't offering you the right support, ask to see a different GP - I did that and it was so much better. My GP now is fantastic and so understanding.

Please don't lose your family over this, you can do it I really can't overestimate how shit things were for me, if I can get through it so can you.