Husband is ready to leave me...

[allthingsbrighter]

I’ve been with DH for 14 years (married 3)

Last year we had our first baby who is now coming up to 11 months old.

It’s been an incredibly tough time. I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and I had 20 weeks of CBT.

I’m still not coping and it’s changing me as a person.

I’m struggling to focus on family life. I feel withdrawn from DC & DH.

My mind is completely consumed with negative thoughts and they’re all around Covid.

I feel like I have a death sentence looming over me, there’s this danger outside my doors and once it gets me, I’m done.

I’m coming up to 35 and I fall into the vulnerable category, although I’m not CEV / shielding.

I’m irritable all of the time, and it’s always with DH.
I feel annoyed by him. Wound up when he’s around.
He tries to have a conversation with me and I feel in a rush to finish it because my mind is so so consumed by thoughts of Covid and death that I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else.

I feel like I’ve become incredibly selfish.
DH is brilliant. He’s a great dad and husband.
He cooks, he helps to clean, I don’t think there is much more he could do.

He’s considerate of how I feel. He WFH and he gets up early during the week with DC so that I can have an hour extra in bed whilst he does breakfast.

All this sounds great but then overnight he gets uninterrupted sleep whilst I’m up feeding / settling DC.
I’m not sure if this is a fair arrangement, but I feel irritated when he’s laid there next to me asleep and I’m awake with the baby.

When it comes to weekends we both have one sleep in each, but when it’s his turn I again feel irritated and angry at him.
I will remind him not to be spending all day in bed, even though to date he’s never done that, and he’s never once said anything to me about how long I choose to sleep in for.

DC won’t settle with DH for sleep and it’s me that does the bedtime routine. (DC breastfed and feeds to sleep)
DH will sit with us upstairs until DC has gone down, but again I feel irritated by him like he should be doing more(even though I don’t know what)

I know my behaviour is really upsetting him, he’s spoken to me about it and I’ve told him how anxious and worried I am about Covid.

He keeps repeatedly telling me I’m irrational and my fears aren’t logical.
I feel like he’s just humouring me and he doesn’t understand that I’m vulnerable.

He’s shown me stats of the deaths for the under 40’s, told me they account for less than 1% of the total deaths.
But when he’s telling me these things, my mind is telling me to ignore him because he’s wrong and just trying to humour me.

I feel like a lot of the time I project onto DH.
I can spend the day playing and doing lots of activities with DC, but I know my mind is running elsewhere. It’s in the clouds worrying about Covid, going back to work, DC going to nursery, DH popping to the office, DH going to the supermarket....

When DH comes home I feel so emotionally fatigued that I take it out on him, I feel like he’s thinking I’ve been a crap mum for the day, I’ve not done enough around the house or I haven’t been focused enough on DC.

He’s never said any of this to me, but I’m conceived he does think it.

Today he’s told me he’s had enough and that living with me is too difficult for him.

He said he loves me but he’s really tired of trying and getting nothing in return.

I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t think of a reason why I want him to stay.
I know that I love him, but I know that he’s better off without me.

I don’t know how to make him happy anymore.

My life is such a mess. I’m completely stuck in my mind. 😔

I also think folks need to stop trying to diagnose the op over the internet. That’s her doctors job, it may be anxiety, depression, ocd, a paranoia disorder, many, many things, no one here can tell.

Op you just need to tell your doctor what you have told us. Let them then guide you.

Your husband is completely right you need to stay away from the news, social media etc etc. It’ll only make you worse
You need to see your GP and explain just how bad you’re getting and it’s about to destroy your marriage

Absolutely this.

Anxiety and depression often go hand in hand with one slightly more prevailing than the other. What you have written sound very much like my worst episodes of depression/anxiety and honestly, no CBT or talking therapies helped me at that point. It was only once I was on medication that it eased enough for those therapies to help. See your GP as soon as you can, have a long chat to your DH about your plan and see if together you can find some sort of middle ground to give you time to recover.

Your husband sounds like he's doing an amazing job so far of trying to support you but as I know from personal experience there's only so much partners can take sometimes!

I have also suffered from health anxiety (although before the pandemic) and so I understand. I used to think everyone was wrong when they'd tell me everything was okay, no one was going to die and so on... It was only when I got help in the form of both counselling and medication ( Sertraline in my case) that I began to realise how illogical my thinking had become. I would have sworn beforehand that I was the only person thinking rationally.

You really don't need to stop breastfeeding. The last thing your mental health needs right now is a massive hormone crash.

Honestly the rubbish some people just throw out without thinking.

I'm so sorry you are so ill OP

You seem very self aware which is brilliant.

Tell your husband you're sorry, that you appreciate what he's been doing and what he's going through and tell him you want to get better. Go back to the GP and tell him the CBT isn't working. I'd really recommend you consider an antidepressant medication (several are compatible with bf) just to get your head out of this cycle and give you some breathing space mentally. Ask your husband to bear with you and keep supporting you while you give this approach a try.

Take care xx

OP I'm sorry your struggling, it's sounds very much like OCD and anxiety, you really need to contact your gp for some help because it will get worse. Are you on any medication at the moment?

1. Yes, worrying about Covid is rational, particularly when vulnerable. What isn’t rational is the obsession to the detriment of your life.

1. Sometimes you need the medication to get you to a better place before talking therapies can work properly.

@LikeIDo

That's not true. I am 37 weeks pregnant and therefore considered vulnerable. I do not worry like this about Covid. I really don't.

Are you frightened of death...?

Since becoming a mother, death has seemed so horrendous.

I’ve actually always, for as long as I can remember, been frightened of death, but it’s so much worse since having DC.

Oh and even though you might think that medication or other suggestions will do no good, I think you've reached the stage where you just need to accept that you need to try it, persevere with it and go through the motions. It's really important not to be closed-minded or in denial when you're severely depressed. You're literally "not in your right mind" just now, and you need to get your "right mind" back. That could take time. It doesn't seem that talking therapy alone would do much help for you just now as it appears to me that you're past the stage where that might be the case.

Be very open with GP etc. Don't leave anything out at all. The details will matter. Don't automatically refuse the suggestion of medication. It was a godsend to me, and really lifted the cloud and helped me feel "in my right mind" again.

[quote allthingsbrighter]@CushionsandCandles

You are very unwell. I hope you realise this?

Maybe I don’t...

I mean, I know that I’m not right. I know I’m anxious, worried, irritable etc..
I’ve never considered myself as very unwell.

This is the type of thing that makes me feel people are just dismissing my worries, is the Dr going to say this to me?

I could get seriously unwell or die from Covid and to be told it’s just anxiety will feel like my worries aren’t being taken seriously. 😖[/quote]
Yes I completely agree with this poster, you really are not at all well.

You need to take this seriously. And you need to ensure the GP takes it seriously too.

Your mental state is the destructive force in your life, not Covid.

Op. No one here can convince you. You’re too unwell. Logic won’t help us convince you as you have lost the ability to be rational.

Really the only thing is to seek medical help.

’Sometimes you need the medication to get you to a better place before talking therapies can work properly’

This ^

OP I feel like you just want to feed into your worries and prove to people you are correct to act like this.
I'm sorry you cant see the situation for what it is. My heart goes put to you. Please get help

Out*

OP, I had severe health anxiety. I completely understand your worries. Not because they’re rational but because I felt the same way about cancer and it was all consuming. Please please please ask your GP for a prescription for Sertraline. This drug honestly saved my life. I couldn’t believe the difference it made to my health anxiety. I thought nothing and nobody could help. This DID. I think you can breastfeed on it but if not it doesn’t matter. Stop. Move to formula.
My DC was formula fed from birth due to issues with breastfeeding. It’s had no adverse affect. Your mental health is more important.

Cross posted. I think the pp means that anxiety is a serious illness, which deserves to be taken seriously - and which can be treated. It might not kill you, like Covid, but it can seriously impact your life.

Your previous post sounds as if you think the GP is not taking you seriously if they diagnose serious anxiety! They can't make Covid go away, but they can treat your anxiety more effectively than it is being treated now, and you might then find a way of getting through the next few months, with your marriage intact.

Covid is very very serious, and for lots of people it has meant hospitalisation and worse. But for even more people they have had a headache and cough and have recovered - even those over 90!. Getting treatment for your anxiety may help you to cope with the probability that you will most likely be in the second group. (And remember as a relatively young person, you are still more likely to be run over on the way to the doctors than to die of covid!!)

This sounds like severe PND. You need more help. The first step would be the GP. CBT is an amazing therapy. It might be that you need more than one lot. Could you afford to go private. (Though remember CBt is one of the most expensive therapy’s. Hence why you usually only get one lot on the NhS). You need to start being very honest with your GP. You need to start taking account of your feelings. Though this will be hard. Nobody else other than you can start this off though.

Have u tried mindfulness. Also jogging is nice by your self with head phones in. Covid is a load of nonsense thats affecting everyone. Xx

I could get seriously unwell or die from Covid and to be told it’s just anxiety will feel like my worries aren’t being taken seriously

You could die from many things. You are only focusing on covid so much because its so talked about at the moment and you are actively seeking out things to back up your feelings.

But is that because you’re not vulnerable though..!

There you go again justifying your anxiety and behaviour.

Both dh and I are vulnerable, so what? I ask you again, what does worrying about Covid to the extreme level you are actually achieve? In what way does it help? Does it provide a magic shield against the virus?

[quote allthingsbrighter]@LikeIDo

That's not true. I am 37 weeks pregnant and therefore considered vulnerable. I do not worry like this about Covid. I really don't.

Are you frightened of death...?

Since becoming a mother, death has seemed so horrendous.

I’ve actually always, for as long as I can remember, been frightened of death, but it’s so much worse since having DC.[/quote]
I was frightened of death in the same way you appear to be, when I was suffering with anxiety.

I do not fear death like this now. I do not spend my time worrying that I am going to die or thinking about it all the time. I really don't believe it is normal for a well person to do so personally.

And I also know how draining it can be on relationships. I have honestly been in a very similar situation OP and my own DH struggled to cope with it too. We are much better now, after I spoke to my GP about how I was feeling and got the help I needed.

I had threads on here in the past about my anxiety. Begging people to speak to me in the middle of the night because I was awake and was convinced such and such was going to happen, even down to rushing even my pets to the vet all the time because i was convinced they were going to die too.

You are a good mum and need a hobby. I felt much better when I went back to work xx

You need more help with your mental health than you are receiving. Re medication hou need to speak to your gp and it may help. At this moment to do the best for your child you need to get your mind to a healthy place which currently it isn't. Your feelings regarding your dh sound irrational and I am not surprised he finds it draining. It would be a shame to throw an otherwise healthy relationship away, seek help and do not minimise your feelings be as Frank as possible. Best of luck x

[quote allthingsbrighter]@VintageStitchers

What you’re saying on here isn’t normal Covid anxiety but clearly something far more serious.

Genuine question, is there a normal Covid anxiety?
Doesn’t everyone just worry to the same extent I do about it?[/quote]
Genuine answer

Everyone is different

The most extreme person I know is disinfecting post and doesn't go out

I'm unbothered but my father worked in infectious disease. As a teenager, I used to ask him to stop telling me things because I was bloody terrified.

So we all go through different things at different times, but it sounds like you need help.

Genuine question, is there a normal Covid anxiety?
Doesn’t everyone just worry to the same extent I do about it?

No and I am a lot older than you. I just do what I can to keep safe and think about other things. I can't say I've ever thought about actually catching Covid and dying.