Husband is ready to leave me...

[allthingsbrighter]

I’ve been with DH for 14 years (married 3)

Last year we had our first baby who is now coming up to 11 months old.

It’s been an incredibly tough time. I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and I had 20 weeks of CBT.

I’m still not coping and it’s changing me as a person.

I’m struggling to focus on family life. I feel withdrawn from DC & DH.

My mind is completely consumed with negative thoughts and they’re all around Covid.

I feel like I have a death sentence looming over me, there’s this danger outside my doors and once it gets me, I’m done.

I’m coming up to 35 and I fall into the vulnerable category, although I’m not CEV / shielding.

I’m irritable all of the time, and it’s always with DH.
I feel annoyed by him. Wound up when he’s around.
He tries to have a conversation with me and I feel in a rush to finish it because my mind is so so consumed by thoughts of Covid and death that I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else.

I feel like I’ve become incredibly selfish.
DH is brilliant. He’s a great dad and husband.
He cooks, he helps to clean, I don’t think there is much more he could do.

He’s considerate of how I feel. He WFH and he gets up early during the week with DC so that I can have an hour extra in bed whilst he does breakfast.

All this sounds great but then overnight he gets uninterrupted sleep whilst I’m up feeding / settling DC.
I’m not sure if this is a fair arrangement, but I feel irritated when he’s laid there next to me asleep and I’m awake with the baby.

When it comes to weekends we both have one sleep in each, but when it’s his turn I again feel irritated and angry at him.
I will remind him not to be spending all day in bed, even though to date he’s never done that, and he’s never once said anything to me about how long I choose to sleep in for.

DC won’t settle with DH for sleep and it’s me that does the bedtime routine. (DC breastfed and feeds to sleep)
DH will sit with us upstairs until DC has gone down, but again I feel irritated by him like he should be doing more(even though I don’t know what)

I know my behaviour is really upsetting him, he’s spoken to me about it and I’ve told him how anxious and worried I am about Covid.

He keeps repeatedly telling me I’m irrational and my fears aren’t logical.
I feel like he’s just humouring me and he doesn’t understand that I’m vulnerable.

He’s shown me stats of the deaths for the under 40’s, told me they account for less than 1% of the total deaths.
But when he’s telling me these things, my mind is telling me to ignore him because he’s wrong and just trying to humour me.

I feel like a lot of the time I project onto DH.
I can spend the day playing and doing lots of activities with DC, but I know my mind is running elsewhere. It’s in the clouds worrying about Covid, going back to work, DC going to nursery, DH popping to the office, DH going to the supermarket....

When DH comes home I feel so emotionally fatigued that I take it out on him, I feel like he’s thinking I’ve been a crap mum for the day, I’ve not done enough around the house or I haven’t been focused enough on DC.

He’s never said any of this to me, but I’m conceived he does think it.

Today he’s told me he’s had enough and that living with me is too difficult for him.

He said he loves me but he’s really tired of trying and getting nothing in return.

I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t think of a reason why I want him to stay.
I know that I love him, but I know that he’s better off without me.

I don’t know how to make him happy anymore.

My life is such a mess. I’m completely stuck in my mind. 😔

I’ve been where you are. How do you feel about trying medication? I was overcome with anxiety about that too... but was encouraged to try it and I’m eternally grateful that I did. It saved my marriage, my health and my sanity. When it had helped me get back to a stable place, I was able to stop taking it very slowly. A lot of people stay on it (Glennon Doyle and Kristen Bell speak sense on this) and that’s fine too.

As others have said, there are antidepressants that are fine to take while breastfeeding. (And I’m sure you know, but antidepressants work just as well on anxiety and its accompanying anger, you don’t have to be ‘depressed’).

Another trick I find useful when catastrophising is to balance my extreme worst case scenario by thinking up an extreme best case scenario, and then settling on the likely middle ground.

Like Holly60 said, call the doctors now, while you’re in the mood to ask for help. Today, or tomorrow morning. You are not beyond help, and could feel more able to cope very soon.

Well done for taking the first step.

[quote allthingsbrighter]@VintageStitchers

What you’re saying on here isn’t normal Covid anxiety but clearly something far more serious.

Genuine question, is there a normal Covid anxiety?
Doesn’t everyone just worry to the same extent I do about it?[/quote]
No, not at all. The extent of your anxiety is not normal, it’s far, far greater than the average person’s. Please seek help

I'm really sorry you're going through this op. My heart goes out to you..it does sound very like depression with anxiety. Whether that's PND or not I think you really do need to seek help for it.

At least if you're actively seeking help and treatment your husband may feel a little relieved and a little more like he could cope. It's true he cant stick around if you're not trying anything at all.

Please go to your doctor and talk.

I could have written your op after each one of my children were born. Not about covid but about similar things. Just knowing you have a death sentence lingering over you.

The only thing that works is medication. Sertraline for me. You can bf on this.

Speak to your GP asap.

The fact that your irrational fears do NOT feel irrational to you is a measure of your unwellness here.
I'm very pleased to hear that you will talk to your GP - please be completely honest with them and don't allow them to fob you off. Write down the extent of your anxiety and fears because you need to tell them everything.

You need to speak to your GP urgently. Your husband also needs support too so he may also need to speak to his GP.
You are both being incredible but its time to acknowledge that you both need outside support.

This is exactly how my post natal depression played out, except my husband actually left.
Antidepressants were a god send, the fog lifted and i was able to express all the things i needed without the irritation or anxiety. My husband moved back and we are able to communicate much better.
I took Citalopram and didnt have to stop breastfeeding

@bookishtartlet

Do you have other support such a family or friends?

I do have lots of friends, but this has made me realise I don’t really have “close” friends.

Or maybe I do and I just don’t feel able to tell them how i feel.

As for family I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling them how I feel. I feel like they’d bask in my misery.

[quote allthingsbrighter]@VintageStitchers

What you’re saying on here isn’t normal Covid anxiety but clearly something far more serious.

Genuine question, is there a normal Covid anxiety?
Doesn’t everyone just worry to the same extent I do about it?[/quote]
Really, and please try and take this on board, no people do not worry about covid to the extent you do, not even close!!! You must visit your gp, you desperately need help and they are the starting point. Your husband , by your own admission, is trying his very best but it must be draining for him particularly if from his perspective you arent doing anything to get better . Make that appointment as soon as you can

I wouldn’t agree that what I have is depression.
More extreme (yes, I’d say extreme) anxiety.

No it isn't. From your description it is extreme depression or worse. What you are describing, and I am bearing in mind that my experience is that people are usually understating their situation when they are in this state, is very serious and you need urgent help.

Please contact your GP and don't be put off by anything - insist on an urgent appointment and tell the GP the truth.

I’ve been reluctant to call because I feel like all they will do is give me medication, which I’m more than happy to take, but I want more than that.
I need to talk to someone too.

Would you listen to them? Especially if they contradict your views?

Genuine question, is there a normal Covid anxiety?
Doesn’t everyone just worry to the same extent I do about it?

No, no and thrice no. I am concerned about Covid but worried about it to the extent you are where it takes up every waking moment of my day in my thoughts and convincing myself I'm going to die of it? Absolutely not.

What does this level of worry/anxiety actually achieve? Will it stop you getting it? Will it help you cope with it if you do get it? Will it change anything about the virus at all? How does it help you?

The answers to those questions are: Nothing, No, No, No and it doesn't.

I am 100% sure you will feel better with some medication - citalopram or similar will help with the irrational anger and the anxiety.

I was always snappy and irritable with my husband and totally irrational until I started on 20mg ciralopram and it changed my life.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you can fix this x

OP sometimes it’s necessary to stablise on medication before therapy can help. You need to get yourself into a place where you can usefully engage with talking therapy, before even thinking about starting it.

At the moment your thoughts are wildly irrational, and you’re refusing to ask for help because you think you will only be offered one type of help when you want more. With the greatest of kindness my love, your mind is all over the shop. If you can give some antidepressants a go for a month or two, you can hopefully get thre volume turned down on all the crazy enough to allow some more positive and constructive thoughts in.

I know it’s shitty OP, I’ve also been stuck in that place where I’m incapable of helping myself, but it is true what PPs are saying, the only way out is for you to climb out, and the way to start is to reach out and grab whatever support you can. Even if you try and it doesn’t work, at least you won’t have gone down without a fight. That is the worst thing, to feel that you’ve just thrown it all away without trying.

[quote allthingsbrighter]@VintageStitchers

What you’re saying on here isn’t normal Covid anxiety but clearly something far more serious.

Genuine question, is there a normal Covid anxiety?
Doesn’t everyone just worry to the same extent I do about it?[/quote]
No.

I'm careful and I follow the rules but I don't worry about it on a daily basis.

@1FootInTheRave

The only thing that works is medication. Sertraline for me. You can bf on this.

This might me another one of my irrational fears...

But won’t the Steraline pass into my breastmilk, couldn’t it affect DC and what if it affected DC’s mental health....

You do sound very unwell. Speak to your GP/health visitor ASAP and get yourself off those coronavirus boards. They are enough to make anyone anxious, I don't mean to sound flippant but you would probably be at more risk of being in a car accident or something than being dreadfully unwell or worse from Covid.

Your husband sounds like he is doing all he can. It is absolutely not your fault that you feel this way, having a baby does crazy things to your hormones but it is something that can be helped. Well done for reaching out on here.

Another one saying try medication. It clears the fog a little bit, and gives you the mental space to engage with the other things like long term therapy that will help you with the underlying issues. Honestly, I've been there and I can tell you that you don't have to live like this.

OP have you opened up to your husband and told him all the things you wrote in your first post? If not I really think it would be of benefit for you to let him read what you have written, it really comes from the heart and it's clear how much you love him and the MH issues you are having.

Please let him read your post if you haven't been able to tell him all this x

No people don't all worry the way you do about this and not because we're reckless. DH and I have worked with the public throughout, he works in a prison which was rife with Covid, DS has been back at nursery since they re-opened in the summer, we follow the guidance we're careful with hygiene, we still go out to exercise, to food shop, when things were open we went to the zoo. We're all fine, if you like stats you need the ones that show you how unlikely you are to die from Covid compared to most of the things you've done all of your life, and you've been fine up to this point.
Your husband actually sounds very supportive, you just need to be honest with yourself that this isn't usual concern and that you really need some proper help, call your GP first thing or your health visitor team and be really honest about the intrusive thoughts how it's impacting you every day, harming your relationship and your time with your child. You can get through this with the right support.

I really feel for you. I had PND which was characterised by severe anxiety, not depression. I was convinced something awful was going to happen to me health wise - and this was years before COVID. It’s a really common element of PND so you need to get proper treatment. For me, that was medication and CBT. The medication helped rebalance my feelings to give me the breathing space to work through the CBT. I also went to a health visitor led PND talking circle, with other mums, which helped. But the medication was definitely a life-saver. It took three weeks to kick in after which I felt like a different person. I worked hard at the CBT and really persevered, and now it all just seems like a bad dream. You can beat this, it isn’t your new normal, you just need to get the right help.

I very rarely agree with this but I think the suggestion to show your husband this thread is a good one.

I agree with a previous poster who said it sounds like you may need medication to help and maybe even to stop breastfeeding.

I breastfed for 2 years so I understand the benefits. BUT it's really demanding on the mother and I think it's time you put yourself first. You need solid sleep. You need space.

I hope the GP can help. Be honest with them and say what you've said here. You aren't alone but you need to ask for help. Your marriage and you deserve it xx

Perhaps consider talking to GP about antidepressants, which can improve mood and reduce anxiety.

@Moondust001

From your description it is extreme depression or worse. What you are describing, and I am bearing in mind that my experience is that people are usually understating their situation when they are in this state, is very serious and you need urgent help.

What do you mean worse? Like what?

Appreciate you don’t know me but honestly I’m not understating, I’ve written exactly how I feel.

OP, I don’t want to sound harsh because I’ve been there and it’s shite and I know how hard it is to hear things put bluntly, but...

All your ‘yeah buts’ are not making your problems lessen, are they? When was the last time ‘yeah but’ improved anything for you?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same result.

Right now you’re finding excuses to keep on doing the same thing you’ve been doing, the thing that hasn’t worked. You already know where that gets you.