Husband is ready to leave me...

[allthingsbrighter]

I’ve been with DH for 14 years (married 3)

Last year we had our first baby who is now coming up to 11 months old.

It’s been an incredibly tough time. I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and I had 20 weeks of CBT.

I’m still not coping and it’s changing me as a person.

I’m struggling to focus on family life. I feel withdrawn from DC & DH.

My mind is completely consumed with negative thoughts and they’re all around Covid.

I feel like I have a death sentence looming over me, there’s this danger outside my doors and once it gets me, I’m done.

I’m coming up to 35 and I fall into the vulnerable category, although I’m not CEV / shielding.

I’m irritable all of the time, and it’s always with DH.
I feel annoyed by him. Wound up when he’s around.
He tries to have a conversation with me and I feel in a rush to finish it because my mind is so so consumed by thoughts of Covid and death that I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else.

I feel like I’ve become incredibly selfish.
DH is brilliant. He’s a great dad and husband.
He cooks, he helps to clean, I don’t think there is much more he could do.

He’s considerate of how I feel. He WFH and he gets up early during the week with DC so that I can have an hour extra in bed whilst he does breakfast.

All this sounds great but then overnight he gets uninterrupted sleep whilst I’m up feeding / settling DC.
I’m not sure if this is a fair arrangement, but I feel irritated when he’s laid there next to me asleep and I’m awake with the baby.

When it comes to weekends we both have one sleep in each, but when it’s his turn I again feel irritated and angry at him.
I will remind him not to be spending all day in bed, even though to date he’s never done that, and he’s never once said anything to me about how long I choose to sleep in for.

DC won’t settle with DH for sleep and it’s me that does the bedtime routine. (DC breastfed and feeds to sleep)
DH will sit with us upstairs until DC has gone down, but again I feel irritated by him like he should be doing more(even though I don’t know what)

I know my behaviour is really upsetting him, he’s spoken to me about it and I’ve told him how anxious and worried I am about Covid.

He keeps repeatedly telling me I’m irrational and my fears aren’t logical.
I feel like he’s just humouring me and he doesn’t understand that I’m vulnerable.

He’s shown me stats of the deaths for the under 40’s, told me they account for less than 1% of the total deaths.
But when he’s telling me these things, my mind is telling me to ignore him because he’s wrong and just trying to humour me.

I feel like a lot of the time I project onto DH.
I can spend the day playing and doing lots of activities with DC, but I know my mind is running elsewhere. It’s in the clouds worrying about Covid, going back to work, DC going to nursery, DH popping to the office, DH going to the supermarket....

When DH comes home I feel so emotionally fatigued that I take it out on him, I feel like he’s thinking I’ve been a crap mum for the day, I’ve not done enough around the house or I haven’t been focused enough on DC.

He’s never said any of this to me, but I’m conceived he does think it.

Today he’s told me he’s had enough and that living with me is too difficult for him.

He said he loves me but he’s really tired of trying and getting nothing in return.

I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t think of a reason why I want him to stay.
I know that I love him, but I know that he’s better off without me.

I don’t know how to make him happy anymore.

My life is such a mess. I’m completely stuck in my mind. 😔

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit

No people don't all worry the way you do about this and not because we're reckless

But is that because you’re not vulnerable though..!

I have a serious mental condition and have to take drugs everyday. My marriage failed because I didn't want to take medication which was really stupid. Now I face retirement alone.
I now take citalopram every single day high dose and feel amazing, happy for the first time in years.
You need to book a telephone appointment with your GP and start on medication or your life will fall apart and you will regret it for ever.
There is no need for you to feel like this if you are on the right meds - get it sorted, before it's too late.

You are very unwell. I hope you realise this? When anxiety takes over your whole life so that all your thoughts are taken over by it it becomes destructive. It will destroy your marriage, all relationships (even with your child) unless you seek help and try and put your concerns into perspective and stop then pervading every aspect of your life.
Things to do include:

1. Seeing your GP urgently
2. Putting your phone away and perhaps just listening to the news once per day
3. Exercise/get out of the house on your own for 30 minutes each day
4. Think about some "me" time each day- watch some absorbing TV, hot bath, take up a hobby, read a book
5. Do one thing constructive each day- clear a drawer/cupboard, plans some meals/cook, knit, sew or something
6. Download the Headspace App and do it each day

And I agree with PP you should stop breastfeeding so that your child is less dependent upon you. It will be better for both of you in the long run.
Be gentle to your husband- he sound a good one.

OP, the way you're describing how you're thinking and feeling sounds very much like PND. Anxiety and overthinking everything about one's safety and the safety of your baby etc is a big part of it. Your thoughts about COVID are not rational (and I'm someone who works in a school, is in every day at the moment and is very aware that I am risk so I have been very careful to stick to all the guidelines).

Have you actually TOLD your DH exactly how you're feeling? LIke you have here? Print out the thread if it helps and show him that. TELL him you love him and don't want him to go. He sounds brilliant. You wouldn't really want to lose him so you are going to have to do your very best to try and get help for yoursel from everywhere you can. Your GP/health visitor, your husband, your family (do you have a support bubble?)

As others have suggested you need to wean yourself off the Coronavirus boards etc and the news websites. Ask your husband to help you do that. Arrange to do something together so that neither of you are on devices or discussing COVID.

Personally, if I felt the way you do, coming up to age 1 I would feel no guilt about slowly cutting down on the breastfeeding and giving a couple of bottles instead. But ask your HV about the best way to do it.

You definitely need to return to your GP. You can't sort this out on your own or with the support of your husband, you need professional help. It sounds like you need medication and if that doesn't work, go into a mental health unit for a while until you get better.

OP, I hope things work out. One positive is that you have a little self-insight.

1. HNRTT but nothing in your OP says your DH is ready to leave. Are you projecting this?
2. 'I don't have depression and don't want medication' - are you sure you have enough insight to self-diagnose (BTW, answer is probably not. Even MH qualified HCPS need to recognise this).
3. I don't want to stop breast-feeding so don't want medication. Ultimately breast-feeding might be a 'nice to have' compared with the results of not being medicated should that be the best treatment.

Good luck.

Please contact your gp, they really can help. Also have you considered expressing so that you can share night feeds and bedtime? I had PND and PTSD, medication truly is the first step as it helps with the anxiety and your ability to focus. Also stop looking at the covid stats, we don't have all the figures we need to get a full picture we only see the bad ones as no one has the recovery rates etc.
Have you tried going out for walks, serotonin is released during exercise and that can also help.

Your husband is completely right you need to stay away from the news, social media etc etc. It’ll only make you worse.
You need to see your GP and explain just how bad you’re getting and it’s about to destroy your marriage.

I think you need some professional help from your GP to manage your fears. In my wide circle of friends/family I don't actually know anyone that has a severe terror of Covid, although I appreciate that others must.

Can you not simply ignore the news and social media? As long as you know the rules, and abide by them, then what else do you need to know?

Good advice from @CushionsandCandles

One thing to add - you need to take responsibility for your mental health by thus distancing yourself from all sources of fuel for health anxiety and obsessive thoughts.

Delete and hide the Covid thread, stop reading newspapers for while. You’re like an anorexic going in search of pro-ana sites.

And please please for the love of God. Hide the Covid threads on here. A lot of them are very OTT and posted entirely to scare people imo. They will do nothing to help you, please try and avoid going down that rabbit hole on here.

What options do you think there are for improving how you feel/think/behave?

I understand that it’s really hard to choose between things when you don’t want the options you don’t want (meds/bf/bottle/limiting your phone). Only you can decide if you are going to make changes to see some improvement.
Best wishes.

Sertraline can do wonders for post natal anxiety. Not for everyone but it’s worth trying OP. You can still bf on it and you might get some relief from the constant preoccupation. What makes you clinically vulnerable (roughly speaking). Can your OH understand the anxiety is driving a lot of your behaviour and could you show him what you’ve written here? The fact that part of you gets you are consumed by anxiety and that this is taking over any rational part may help him stick it out if you commit to getting more support.

I’m glad you’re going to speak to your doctor. You’re very unwell indeed op, and need to get help. You need to recognise how ill you are and seek help urgently. You don’t need to live like this, or put your family through it. You can get help and recover. But you need to make that first call

As for breastfeeding, please don’t refuse Medicatin to continue it. Getting well needs to be your priority.

Op, I really feel for you. I was you 4 years ago. It's absolutely horrible and my relationship nearly broke down as well.

Firstly, you don't need to stop breastfeeding unless you want to, there's loads of medication for anxiety you can take whilst feeding.

Secondly, go see your GP, you need more help, probably medication as well as further therapy.

and whilst I wouldn't give up breastfeeding I would recommend trying to break the breast/ sleep association so DH can do bedtime occasionally and give you a break.

Look up the breastfeeding network, Wendy is a really great pharmacist with loads of experience in medication and breastfeeding. There's lists of meds fine for you to take.

I very rarely agree with this but I think the suggestion to show your husband this thread is a good one

I think so too. It will give him more insight into how you feeling . And show him you're searching for help

I have to agree with other posters’ observations about depression.

Your anxiety is related to your obsessive preoccupation with death and disease. That is of itself depressive. Being ‘consumed with negative thoughts’ = depression.

Your DH needs to start learning how to get them to settle and then share the bedtime and night wake ups.

[quote allthingsbrighter]@KarlKennedysDurianFruit

No people don't all worry the way you do about this and not because we're reckless

But is that because you’re not vulnerable though..![/quote]
That's not true. I am 37 weeks pregnant and therefore considered vulnerable. I do not worry like this about Covid. I really don't.

My Dad who has severe asthma does not worry like this about Covid. My 80 year old gran does not worry like this about Covid.

I appreciate it's easier said than done but you perspective is skewed. You need to speak to someone, this isn't normal.

@CushionsandCandles

You are very unwell. I hope you realise this?

Maybe I don’t...

I mean, I know that I’m not right. I know I’m anxious, worried, irritable etc..
I’ve never considered myself as very unwell.

This is the type of thing that makes me feel people are just dismissing my worries, is the Dr going to say this to me?

I could get seriously unwell or die from Covid and to be told it’s just anxiety will feel like my worries aren’t being taken seriously. 😖

Oh bless you. I was very similar with postnatal anxiety, unable to relax, unable to explain what I needed, hard to live with and I am very similar in my ways of dealing with Covid too. I google numbers, have spreadsheets, work out percentages as my way of channelling my fear/adrenaline into something tangible. But I didn't have to deal with both at the same time!

My husband's patience, and MNet got me through the anxiety, but I wish, wish, wish I had gone to see my GP for antidepressants. I didn't as I also knew that antid's can make you feel worse for a couple of weeks before you feel better, and I really didn't think I could cope with feeling worse. But it sounds as if it is crunch time for you and your dh. Ask him if he will give you a month, which should give time for the antidepressants to kick in - and for the vaccine to start to help to bring the numbers down on this wretched virus too.

Very best of luck, Sweetheart. Keep on posting and reading here. You may not always think that what you are reading will help, or is right, but you will find people who have been there, and survived and have valuable things to suggest.

Breastfeeding hormones made me crazy and anxious. I would recommend stopping slowly. I never felt calm whilst feeding.
Also - are you on hormonal contraception? The mini pill can make you batshit! So many breastfeeding mothers are given it and it is proven to cause anxiety. I know of several people who have gone crazy on it.
Get your hormones back to normal before anything else.

I also agree with the PPs that say you should consider reducing or stopping BF. I didn’t have PND and BF exhausted me to the point where I had to give up for my own good.

I also think you need to be aware that refusing and making excuses not to get the help you need will only lead to you becoming more unwell, and it would only take one trigger for SS to be informed that a child is being cared for by a mother who is very mentally unwell. I’m not saying this to scare you, I’m saying it because it’s true, it happened to me. I worked with SS and the various agencies to get myself well but it took some time, and it was a truly awful experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

OP you have a lot riding on your MH, not least your own quality of life. ‘Yeah but’ and excuses will not help you, they really won’t.