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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In law advice? Do I get involved?

79 replies

Dotty1219 · 10/01/2021 12:26

Its a weird one. My partner and I have been together for 6 years, always gotten on well with his parents. We don't see them much, as its a fair drive, but will go round when we can. Everything has always been friendly, and they've treated me well, always remember my birthday etc. I chat to his mum regularly. I thought we had a good relationship.

Before Christmas we rescued a 15 month old rescue dog. He was originally rescued in Romania as a pup, adopted by a family in the UK who had to give him up. We went through a shelter charity to do this, had a virtual home check, paid the fees etc and eventually met up with his current family and brought him home. The whole process took around a month, and hes doing really well. We aren't sure what he's mixed with, but we think possibly a rottweiler and a husky, so as you can imagine hes quite a big dog. He's a very sweet natured boy, needed some training (mainly some manners while walking, not pulling his lead and getting a little excited when he sees other dogs), but we've been putting a lot of time in and hes really improving.

I kept my MIL informed of the whole process, she likes dogs and knew we wanted one for a while, so she was as excited as us, sent photos and info about him. We went over for Christmas Dinner so they could meet the dog. He was really well behaved (other then pulling on his lead on a walk), they seemed to like him, even brought him some Christmas presents. I thought we all had a really nice day.

Now heres where it gets a bit strange. Boxing day they called my partner and asked if he was on his own to speak to. Basically they called him to say we should get rid of the dog, because he "looks dangerous", he could be agressive, he might bite someone (this is all based on how he looks). Then the conversation moved on to how I was awful for forcing him to sleep on the sofa (he casually mentioned we were getting a new sofa bed, as he has periods of really bad night terrors and restless legs, to the point he's actually hit me (not his fault at all). We don't have a spare room, so we've gotten a sofa bed so one of us can sleep downstairs if its bad. He hasn't sleept on the sofa in months because it seems to have settled down recently). They've also decided we must be in debt because we got them nice Xmas presents (we aren't) The conversation ended with them telling him that he can move home any time, and asking him not to fall out with them. He basically told them everything was fine, the dog is fine and we aren't getting rid of him.

We haven't heard from them since. He text them to say happy new year, and got nothing back. His birthday is coming up soon, and his mum would usually speak to me about it, but nothing. I have an awful feeling that they won't even wish him a happy birthday.

I wouldn't usually get involved, but my heart is breaking for him. He doesn't have any other family (they fell out with them too 🙄) and he said to me the other night, how he has noone now. Im completely baffled by it all, its come out of nowhere. I want to text them, but also don't want to make anything any worse. I know its affecting him more then he's letting on, the night terrors are back with a vengeance since this all started. Im so confused, have everythings been fine for 6 years, now all of a sudden they don't like our dog so they've cut their only son out their life?

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 10/01/2021 12:30

It's not you... it's them.

If this behaviour is totally out of character for them, something is going on.

I wouldn't contact them behind your partners back but I would ask him if he wanted me to try to speak to them, yes.

Dotty1219 · 10/01/2021 13:53

This behaviour with us is out of character, however there is a history of falling out with family (no idea what about though).
I will ask him, I dont think he'll want me to speak to them. I thought about asking his mum what she was getting for his birthday, but I'm probably best off not getting involved. Its just so awful seeing him so upset, when he's done nothing wrong other then make a decision they don't like. Totally ridiculous reason to stop speaking to him.

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Butterymuffin · 10/01/2021 14:02

So they like to take the hump when family members do something they don't approve of, and now it's your partner's turn.

I wouldn't approach them. They can show their true colours by ignoring their only child's birthday if they want. Let them see they don't get to be unreasonable and still have people run around trying to be nice to them. I would put your energy into supporting your partner. Make sure you keep in touch with good friends. Family isn't everything, especially when they're shit.

OrigamiOwl · 10/01/2021 14:02

All your partner what he wants. If he doesn't want you to contact his parents then leave it as it is. It's his decision.

OrigamiOwl · 10/01/2021 14:03

*Ask your partner

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 10/01/2021 14:06

Nope, do not get involved. Support your DH but do not contact them. If they've decided to fall out with the two of you then any contact from you regarding it will be used to back up their belief that he needs to get rid of you.

It's totally them being unreasonable but I would stay out of it. Organise his birthday without his mother's input.

Dotty1219 · 10/01/2021 14:07

Whats silly is they did approve of the dog at first, even bought him some toys at Christmas, they've just taken issue with his size and face markings and decided he must be dangerous because hes a big dog. We've been firm though and said we are absolutely not getting rid of him. We've made a commitment to him. All he needs is to master his recall training and learn a few manners on his walks and he'll be fab. Hes already made so much improvement in a few weeks.

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Diverseduvet · 10/01/2021 14:10

Has your partner tried talking to them? Does he want to?

Dotty1219 · 10/01/2021 14:17

I cant reply to you directly @themobilesitemademesignup but this was something else I did think. I have a feeling that I might be getting the blame for a lot of things, ie if he decides to stop contact, they'll assume I've made him. I'm a bit shell-shocked by it all to be honest, as far as I was aware we all had a good relationship.

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Dotty1219 · 10/01/2021 14:42

@Diverseduvet he text them at new year, nothing back x

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Rainbunny · 11/01/2021 04:12

I would do as others have already advised - be supportive of your DH but don't try to fix the situation, it will backfire on you. Their behaviour is illogical and strange but trust me, they won't see their own actions in this way.

I'm also not surprised that you're getting vibes that they are somehow scapegoating you for whatever is going on in their heads.

I have a similar strange dynamic with my inlaws. Very friendly for years but geographically distant so only saw them once a year or so. DH and I relocated overseas for DH's job a few years ago and they have become very cold towards me, I've slowly figured out that they must think it was my decision somehow to take their son so far away from them (it wasn't, in fact I was initially reluctant to make the move.) I've been reliably informed by other relatives that I'm a subject of conversation when they want to moan about not having their son near them. They're one of those "close" families where anyone who marries in is never truly accepted as family - which has always suited me except that now I'm the appointed bad guy for us moving far away when it was their son who made the decision to move.

This will be much more about them than it's actually about you - you just represent a target for their anxieties and blame.

custardbear · 11/01/2021 05:09

They sound controlling. Your DP is grown up he can make decisions himself. Who the hell offers their son to go home again 🤨 if not to try and put doubt in his mind - controlling fuckwits are effectively saying it's her or us

Personally I'd step right back and be supportive to DP

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/01/2021 05:14

They’re punishing your dp for not doing as he’s told. Reading between the lines, they probably want him to get rid of you as well; you’ve been blamed for your dp’s restless legs and possibly the dog. No, on this basis, I wouldn’t contact them.

My friend told me recently her mum was one of those people, who never trusted anyone, who wasn’t family. I’m bemused by this way of thinking but accept that I cannot do anything to change that mindset. It sounds as if your interference would not be welcome. The only thing you can do is to support your dp and assure him it’s them, not him with the issues.

OldieButaGoodie · 11/01/2021 06:06

Like others have said - it's them, not you.

You will be getting the blame because you're the outsider - been there, done that, with in-laws I'd got on well with for 30+ years, until their son stood up to them and told them a few home truths they didn't like - he must have been influenced by me..!

They also have form for no-contact with members of family - DIL's AND their grandchildren.. go figure.

Now it's been 15 years with no contact and I have to say, it's been very peaceful - I felt for DH at the time, as it was his family, but it was absolutely HIS decision and there was no way I was going to get involved in it, or try to mend it. When I found out later that I was getting the blame, it would have made things so much worse if I had tried to interfere at the time.

Godimabitch · 11/01/2021 08:40

Yeah absolutely do not get involved. You will only make it worse and bring the blame ontovyourslef more. Maintain the position of supporting your husband but staying out of it.

I would guess in regards to the dog. They've spoken to someone else and shown them pictures who've put this in their head and made them feel stupid for being around a dangerous dog

Dotty1219 · 11/01/2021 10:11

Thanks for the advie everyone. I wont speak to them, I'll try and stay out of it as much as I can. I think it mainly comes from his dad (he tends to get an idea in his head and turns it into something totally ridiculous) his mum is just the mouth piece.
It just all feels so petty and silly. Are they really prepared to cut all contact with their only child because he said no to them.

Also the "dangerous" dog is currently snoozing at my feet. I havent lost any toes yet.

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Sunshinebunshine · 11/01/2021 10:17

You will get the blame because it is easier to accept. I have told my mil when she tried putting stuff on me (also about moving away for work) that we discussed it, and if she did such a bad job of parenting her ds that he is completely unable to stand up for himself then it is not my fault. I said it for naturedly and we are still on for terms (ish).

Elieza · 11/01/2021 10:22

Your partner could actually get in touch with them and ask them why they didn’t respond to his new year text. Why’s he not done that, it’s just weird but perhaps his reaction is based in previous experience?

I would contact them if I were him. I mean how do you know they haven’t lost the number or both in hospital or whatever. Although with their history of falling out with family members it’s more likely as pp have said that they have taken the hump because their advice is not being followed.

Depends how much he wants to stay friendly with them. I would move heaven and earth but there would come a time when I’d just say fuck it. I’ve done that before. For six months. They looked so old when I saw them again. It as scary. Life is short.

How have previous family issues like this been resolved before? Follow that path?
Is there a family member spreading lies behind his back? Get that nipped in the bud?

Either way it’s his call. But men are notoriously poor communicators compared to women so I expect him to put this in the too difficult box and do nothing. Meanwhile moping about. So annoying for you and difficult for you not to step in like you would for a 5 year old child who has probs with little pals!

Dotty1219 · 11/01/2021 11:21

@elieza as far as I'm aware, previous family disputes haven't been resolved, his mum doesn't have contact with her siblings any more (I don't know why, even DP isn't too sure as it happened when he was a child, but from what I understand, his dad took issue with something, and his mum stopped speaking to them). His parents are literally the only family he has, hes not had any contact with any other family member since he was a child, so I dont think anyone spreading lies is an issue. I think he's not pushing it because hes worried about making things worse and possibly worried about the rejection. He doesn't want to go n/c but theres only so much he can do if they aren't willing to give something back.

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Santaiscovidfree · 11/01/2021 11:25

Imagine if your ddog had been a dc. She assumed her word is your law. And now she knows it isn't she has spat her dummy out... Let her stew. She isn't your dps only family. He has you and and a ddog. Plenty of family imo.

Swingometer · 11/01/2021 11:32

Boxing Day is only a couple of weeks ago so declaring that they have cut their son out of their lives because they haven't phoned for a couple of weeks is a bit dramatic

Communication is 2 way. Has your DP phoned them at all?

Your DP and his parents probably just need to clear the air after an awkward conversation. I would encourage your DP to phone them for a casual chat, provide an update on the dog etc. If there is a bigger problem that needs to be addressed them that will become apparent when he phones them

Dotty1219 · 11/01/2021 11:41

I dont really think its dramatic, its more based on their behaviour with other family members, I can see the way its heading. They've gone from speaking to us everyday pretty much, to nothing at all. Not even an acknowledgement when he tries to contact them. His mum will usually message me around his birthday, asking what I've bought him, what he'd like etc, theres been non of that this year. I just have an awful feeling that its going to end up that way.

I found out yesterday, that they were similar when he wanted to move out for the first time (he was around 21/22 at the time). Sulky, telling him how much of a bad idea it was etc, how they needed his rent money, he shouldn't do it. He ended up paying them a lot of money before he moved out just so they would stop giving him such a hard time.

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FKATondelayo · 11/01/2021 11:41

Sounds to me like the dad is fond of controlling his wife and son and alienating them from all outside contact if they divert from his control. It may explain why your DH has night terrors.

As long as you didn't do anything that displeased the Dad all was good. But now you have the dog and have created your own little family with your own boundaries, you have gone outside his dad's directions and he is punishing you.

Support your DH but don't get involved with them.

Dotty1219 · 11/01/2021 11:46

@Santaiscovidfree thats what I've told him. He gets on well with my family too, after 6 years they consider him family. Its hard for me to relate to how he's feeling, as I have quite a big family, and even though they moan if I do something they don't agree with, I'd never need to worry about them falling out with me. Where as he's in a situation where he literally just has his parents, no siblings or anything like that. Its just them. So it must feel pretty awful knowing that if they aren't happy with him, then he won't have them in his life anymore. I dont blame him for not wanting to stir the pot, and worrying about how to react. Its a difficult situation.

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billy1966 · 11/01/2021 11:56

Very upsetting for him, but not the first time.

As advised, stay completely out of it.

They are very controlling.

Respect their wish to have no contact while they sulk and tantrum.

He can't change them and shouldn't try.

Support him by telling him he can't change them and to allow them all the space in the world.

Awful behaviour, but that is who they are.
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