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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In law advice? Do I get involved?

79 replies

Dotty1219 · 10/01/2021 12:26

Its a weird one. My partner and I have been together for 6 years, always gotten on well with his parents. We don't see them much, as its a fair drive, but will go round when we can. Everything has always been friendly, and they've treated me well, always remember my birthday etc. I chat to his mum regularly. I thought we had a good relationship.

Before Christmas we rescued a 15 month old rescue dog. He was originally rescued in Romania as a pup, adopted by a family in the UK who had to give him up. We went through a shelter charity to do this, had a virtual home check, paid the fees etc and eventually met up with his current family and brought him home. The whole process took around a month, and hes doing really well. We aren't sure what he's mixed with, but we think possibly a rottweiler and a husky, so as you can imagine hes quite a big dog. He's a very sweet natured boy, needed some training (mainly some manners while walking, not pulling his lead and getting a little excited when he sees other dogs), but we've been putting a lot of time in and hes really improving.

I kept my MIL informed of the whole process, she likes dogs and knew we wanted one for a while, so she was as excited as us, sent photos and info about him. We went over for Christmas Dinner so they could meet the dog. He was really well behaved (other then pulling on his lead on a walk), they seemed to like him, even brought him some Christmas presents. I thought we all had a really nice day.

Now heres where it gets a bit strange. Boxing day they called my partner and asked if he was on his own to speak to. Basically they called him to say we should get rid of the dog, because he "looks dangerous", he could be agressive, he might bite someone (this is all based on how he looks). Then the conversation moved on to how I was awful for forcing him to sleep on the sofa (he casually mentioned we were getting a new sofa bed, as he has periods of really bad night terrors and restless legs, to the point he's actually hit me (not his fault at all). We don't have a spare room, so we've gotten a sofa bed so one of us can sleep downstairs if its bad. He hasn't sleept on the sofa in months because it seems to have settled down recently). They've also decided we must be in debt because we got them nice Xmas presents (we aren't) The conversation ended with them telling him that he can move home any time, and asking him not to fall out with them. He basically told them everything was fine, the dog is fine and we aren't getting rid of him.

We haven't heard from them since. He text them to say happy new year, and got nothing back. His birthday is coming up soon, and his mum would usually speak to me about it, but nothing. I have an awful feeling that they won't even wish him a happy birthday.

I wouldn't usually get involved, but my heart is breaking for him. He doesn't have any other family (they fell out with them too 🙄) and he said to me the other night, how he has noone now. Im completely baffled by it all, its come out of nowhere. I want to text them, but also don't want to make anything any worse. I know its affecting him more then he's letting on, the night terrors are back with a vengeance since this all started. Im so confused, have everythings been fine for 6 years, now all of a sudden they don't like our dog so they've cut their only son out their life?

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 11/01/2021 17:12

your in-laws are weird - I was expecting your dog to at least look scary or hefty, but he looks like an exceedingly cute black labrador who's been at the flour bag!

mamaoffourdc · 11/01/2021 17:26

We regimes a pure bred rottie, he is the most gentle dog I've ever come across x

BlueSussex · 11/01/2021 17:37

Your whole post reminds me why I like most animals better than I like most people Grin

Your DDog is gorgeous. In my last house I had a gigantic Rottie for a neighbour, and I have the Worlds Most Annoying Cat who would routinely sit on the fence and torment her. Anyway, in severe winds, the fence blew down, and the Rottie knew, just knew that she couldn't cross the boundary where the fence had been. She never set a paw into our garden until the fence was up again, just sat at the boundary, sort of guarding it.

Anyway, I digress. I have some experience of arseholes like your MIL. Ignore, ignore, ignore. If DH wishes to contact them, that's his perogative, but I would just distance myself - who needs their shit and negativity? They will just act like you are crazy - problem? what problem? You will be expected to forget their rudeness, but fuck 'em.

wibblewombat · 11/01/2021 17:47

People can channel all sorts of angst via dogs. My in-laws, who purported to be dog people were weird about us getting a dog, even weirder about ddog2, so we didn't tell them about ddog3 until he turned up.

They have been known to complain about dogs to other people locally, despite refusing to use any of the commands the dogs know & respect. I really think it comes down to control...so glad we didn't have actual children, would have been a nightmare. They also have a history of cutting people out. Definitely control!

wibblewombat · 11/01/2021 17:48

Definitely don't get involved. Drop the rope.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 11/01/2021 17:53

My mil accuses me of stopping dh speaking to her once , when infact she only got cards/ presents and invites over because I sorted it. She has no real relationship with her som but easier to blame someone else that look at her behaviour.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 11/01/2021 17:55

Cute looking dog and he doesn't look scary to me

2bazookas · 11/01/2021 18:05

I suspect that one of the PILS is developing a mental health problem.

Either DH or you could approach them and say you're a bit worried about not hearing from them, are they okay, is there anything you can do to help; and see how it goes.

2bazookas · 11/01/2021 18:10

Gorgeous dog. Almost all our dogs had eyebrows, a favourite feature :-)

Congrats on your/his training success, it's so worth the time and effort.

Dotty1219 · 11/01/2021 18:10

@throckmorton he does look like he's been at a bag of flour 😂😂 that actually made me laugh outloud.

@2bazookas I did think this, maybe the possibility of early onset dementia or something, but DP says his dad always been like this.

OP posts:
IseeIsee · 11/01/2021 18:31

If your DP says his Dad has always been like that then he has always been controlling. Is your DP maybe a bit in denial about his parents? As an only child it must be hard when your parents are difficult. Maybe the night terrors are a physical reaction.

Saying they can live with them, blaming you for the leg tremors and telling him to lose the dog are all stereotypical behaviours of controlling parents.

cabingirl · 11/01/2021 18:33

Could you just call her to chat about your DH's birthday as if nothing else was wrong? To gauge the water?

Nanny0gg · 11/01/2021 19:12

[quote Dotty1219]@Santaiscovidfree that's what they think he is, a husky/rottie/ shepherd mix.

@hoppinggreen he's scared of little dogs too. A little terrier dog in Christmas jumper barked at him once and he hid behind me. Hes so timid. Another off lead dog stole his treats on a walk the other day and he just sat their wagging his tail patiently waiting for another one. 😂[/quote]
I thought I saw GS in him. Lovely dog.

As far as in-laws are concerned, I wonder how much they have to do with the night terrors.

How old are they? They might not be so keen to be n/c if one of them is left on their own...

Santaiscovidfree · 11/01/2021 19:22

Have a look at his feet op. Our Husky has webbed feet!! And very hairy toes!
And different shaped teeth to our other ddogs. More curved backwards than down.

KinseyWinsey · 11/01/2021 19:41

Amazing dog. You're both so lucky to have found each other.

Your in laws sound cruel, controlling and manipulative.

Can your dh start to build relationships with other members of his estranged family? I mean, they won't have fallen out with him, just his parents.

I feel very sorry for your dh. Nightmare parents.

noirchatsdeux · 11/01/2021 20:04

I've had this from both sides - my mother and my current partner's parents.

My mother blames every single decision my older brother makes that she doesn't like squarely on my sister in law, to the point it's absolutely ridiculous. As I pointed out to her once, by doing so she's basically saying that she raised him to be a spineless pussy whipped coward....and that's she completely ignoring that my brother always did exactly what he liked. My mother lives on the other side of the world and decided a couple of years ago to get rid of her landline. My brother told her that he wouldn't be ringing her anymore as ringing her mobile is too expensive (it is). Even though he was the one to tell her, she blames his decision on his wife...

My father in law is a control freak and can't accept that his 50 year old son has a mind of his own. He doesn't like me because I don't take his word as gospel...partner's parents had him very young so there is less than 20 years age gap between us (partner is an only child, which definitely makes it worse in my experience). I've not seen in laws in nearly 7 years, while I'm sad for my partner I'm glad not to be involved in their idiocy. Father in law has also fallen out with most of his extended family as well.

Dotty1219 · 13/01/2021 08:55

Update: DP text his mum to make sure they were OK, he got the shittest reply back. I'm angry ive had to block her number so I dont message them. Basically his mum said they were fine but still angry with him. Suddenly started going on about how we "put ourselves and them at risk by travelling to get the dog" (if they'd actually have a sensible conversation instead of making shit up, they'd know that when we got the we were allowed by law to travel, wore masks, met in an outdoor space, all his stuff was sanitised etc). Told him that she'd been ignoring him "because she might say something she'd regret", his dad was still angry with him, and its "a good job we're in lockdown, as now isn't a good time to meet up" (ie you're dads annoyed, so you're not welcome and I won't stand up to him). Basically we're going to keep ignoring you instead of having an actual adult conversation until you do as we say. What a childish mess. They can't seem to make up their mind what they're actually annoyed about.
I'm so gutted for DP, I can see it for what it is (manipulative and controlling), but they're still his parents and the only family he's got.

OP posts:
Santaiscovidfree · 13/01/2021 09:10

Our wedding was 7 months after we had last seen mil. She assumed she was coming and even tried to change the outfit dh had hired from the shop to one she thought more appropriate... Dh went and told her as she had removed herself from our lives it wasn't relevant for her to be there... She put on the tears. Had her friends email dh!! Fil attended reluctantly and followed suit dumping us soon after.. They were divorced but he was still her lapdog. Ime it may get worse before you see the other side op. Then it will be blissful...
6 years in now..

Helendee · 13/01/2021 09:16

Do you have children?
Maybe they are worried the dog could harm them?
I wouldn’t do anything behind your husband’s back re his family. I know you have his best interests at heart but I think it’s best to tackle everything together.
I hope it all gets sorted soon.

Dotty1219 · 13/01/2021 09:24

@Helendee no children no. They've just decided the dogs whole personality based on how he looks (when in reality he's lovely and calm). Im not going to speak to them. Only thing I can really do is support him. Its just so awful to watch him be treated this way when he's done nothing wrong other then make a decision they've suddenly decide they don't like.

OP posts:
Helendee · 13/01/2021 12:08

@Dotty1219

You sound like a great support to your husband and that’s all you can do really. Just concentrate on enjoying your lives.

billy1966 · 13/01/2021 12:38

OP,
Wonderful that you want to support your partner.

However, also protect yourself.

If your partner pushes to have these toxic people in your life, dictating things that are none of their business YOU need to think about what you want for your life.

I think it is OK for you to point out that it may not be what YOU want.

You have choices here too.

Don't get in any way involved with the drama, but at the same time it is reasonable for you to in the future decide who and what you want in your life.

I really dislike drama and people who cause it, so wouldn't hesitate to want to put distance between me and those who engage in it.

Flowers
Throckmorton · 13/01/2021 12:44

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry they've been so awful. It sounds like this is just how they are, and they've just picked something random to go off on one about. What idiots.

KinseyWinsey · 13/01/2021 13:53

Jesus.

My response to them would be, "I've had enough of you and your bitchfits over nothing.

Fuck off. And that's permanently."

NoGoodPunsLeft · 13/01/2021 15:58

@billy1966

OP, Wonderful that you want to support your partner.

However, also protect yourself.

If your partner pushes to have these toxic people in your life, dictating things that are none of their business YOU need to think about what you want for your life.

I think it is OK for you to point out that it may not be what YOU want.

You have choices here too.

Don't get in any way involved with the drama, but at the same time it is reasonable for you to in the future decide who and what you want in your life.

I really dislike drama and people who cause it, so wouldn't hesitate to want to put distance between me and those who engage in it.

Flowers

This is really good advice, yo only have to read a few in-law threads on here to realise it gets worse once you have children.
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