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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In law advice? Do I get involved?

79 replies

Dotty1219 · 10/01/2021 12:26

Its a weird one. My partner and I have been together for 6 years, always gotten on well with his parents. We don't see them much, as its a fair drive, but will go round when we can. Everything has always been friendly, and they've treated me well, always remember my birthday etc. I chat to his mum regularly. I thought we had a good relationship.

Before Christmas we rescued a 15 month old rescue dog. He was originally rescued in Romania as a pup, adopted by a family in the UK who had to give him up. We went through a shelter charity to do this, had a virtual home check, paid the fees etc and eventually met up with his current family and brought him home. The whole process took around a month, and hes doing really well. We aren't sure what he's mixed with, but we think possibly a rottweiler and a husky, so as you can imagine hes quite a big dog. He's a very sweet natured boy, needed some training (mainly some manners while walking, not pulling his lead and getting a little excited when he sees other dogs), but we've been putting a lot of time in and hes really improving.

I kept my MIL informed of the whole process, she likes dogs and knew we wanted one for a while, so she was as excited as us, sent photos and info about him. We went over for Christmas Dinner so they could meet the dog. He was really well behaved (other then pulling on his lead on a walk), they seemed to like him, even brought him some Christmas presents. I thought we all had a really nice day.

Now heres where it gets a bit strange. Boxing day they called my partner and asked if he was on his own to speak to. Basically they called him to say we should get rid of the dog, because he "looks dangerous", he could be agressive, he might bite someone (this is all based on how he looks). Then the conversation moved on to how I was awful for forcing him to sleep on the sofa (he casually mentioned we were getting a new sofa bed, as he has periods of really bad night terrors and restless legs, to the point he's actually hit me (not his fault at all). We don't have a spare room, so we've gotten a sofa bed so one of us can sleep downstairs if its bad. He hasn't sleept on the sofa in months because it seems to have settled down recently). They've also decided we must be in debt because we got them nice Xmas presents (we aren't) The conversation ended with them telling him that he can move home any time, and asking him not to fall out with them. He basically told them everything was fine, the dog is fine and we aren't getting rid of him.

We haven't heard from them since. He text them to say happy new year, and got nothing back. His birthday is coming up soon, and his mum would usually speak to me about it, but nothing. I have an awful feeling that they won't even wish him a happy birthday.

I wouldn't usually get involved, but my heart is breaking for him. He doesn't have any other family (they fell out with them too 🙄) and he said to me the other night, how he has noone now. Im completely baffled by it all, its come out of nowhere. I want to text them, but also don't want to make anything any worse. I know its affecting him more then he's letting on, the night terrors are back with a vengeance since this all started. Im so confused, have everythings been fine for 6 years, now all of a sudden they don't like our dog so they've cut their only son out their life?

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 11/01/2021 12:00

I agree that you shouldn't get involved.

I would suggest that your dp goes to see them and has a face to face chat. Texting about serious stuff is a recipe for disaster and even phone calls can be tricky.

If he has a sit down chat with them then maybe they can air their ridiculous concerns and he can hopefully heal any potential rift while it is in its infancy.

Unfortunately, given their past behaviour with their family and your dp when he tried to move out, it might not work.

If they are determined to fall out with him, then there's not much he can do sadly.

Dotty1219 · 11/01/2021 12:02

@Chamomileteaplease I agree face to face would be easier, unfortunately we can't do this at the minute due to lockdown. They live about 30 miles away, so wouldn't be classed as local x

OP posts:
Santaiscovidfree · 11/01/2021 12:02

I met mil a year into our relationship.. Dh and her recently rebuilding after she cheated on his df....
She quickly became invested in my dc - at her insistance.. As time passed it became apparent she was quite a bully (to dh) and hadn't been a dm of any sort to him as a dc. Quite abusive verbally in fact. He became withdrawn tbh. When dc arrived she backed away. Dh felt sad but actually before too long he felt more confident without her around. Been 6 years now. And he is sad she wasn't a good dm but accepts it now and has moved on.. Hopefully you dp will come to realise he isn't at fault either.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/01/2021 12:20

Mumsnetters are wise. The advice not to contact them is pretty much unanimous, and I would echo it. What your PiL are engaging in here is manipulative, passive aggressive emotional blackmail. It should on no account be encouraged, as the desired result is that you'll capitulate, go begging to them to reinstate their withdrawn affections, and do whatever it is they require you to do in order to win them back. In this instance that entails your partner gets rid of the dog. And, preferably, you too.

My MiL tried this a couple of Christmases ago and my husband very sensibly refused to engage with it. She picked up the message that if she wants a continued relationship with her son and DCG it would be inadvisable to try that approach again in a hurry. The other option would have been to cut them both off. I'm sure this would have hurt my husband no end but he was willing to leave that decision to her.

FWIW, I think this is where you are going wrong:

I kept my MIL informed of the whole process.

Not a good idea. These people need to be on a strict information diet. The less they know, the less they can use against you.

I really dislike a) control freaks and b) people who, whenever there's conflict in a family, automatically blame whatever women don't happen to share their DNA. Awful people.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 11/01/2021 12:43

Your H would benefit from counselling. Are his night terrors in any way related? It sounds like they are extremely controlling and will be making his mental health worse.

Dotty1219 · 11/01/2021 12:52

@MarieIVanArkleStinks I wont be contacting them dont worry Smile . When I said I kept her informed of the whole process (this was when we chatted regularly and had what I thought was a good relationship) I meant that she likes dogs, we'd take my sister dog to visit often, and when we were looking at getting our dog, I'd send pictures, when we passed our home check etc. She was very excited to meet him, loved him on Xmas day. The suddenly on boxing day there was a complete u turn. I havent spoken to her since, and won't be getting involved in future. Will limit any info I give them.

@NeilBuchananisBanksy we've been through the drs and sleep clinic, hes been given meds for the restless legs, but they do think that the night terrors are psychological. They do get so much worse when he's stressed. There were 2 last night. He lept out of bed and ran off downstairs looking for someone, the second one he sat bolt upright in bed shouting and swearing again about someone in the house. ☹

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WiseOwlRelaxing · 11/01/2021 12:56

Well, even though I've just blocked my parents Blush I'm going to tell you what my psychotherapist told me. You don't have to buy in to the cycle of truth bomb huff silence capitulation on one side, tentative olive branches, being careful around each other...... truth, huff, silence etc ad infinitum.

You can do your own thing. You can text them with joke or you can text them with a photo of the sunset or a reminder to read such and such a good book.

You don't have a cycle that repeats itself, but you still have the choice to either pick up on the awkwardness and match their withdrawal with your own withdrawal, or, ignore the awkwardness and send a text to keep communication open.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 11/01/2021 13:13

I think counselling would be really helpful in that case then. It's helped my unpick family issues stemming from childhood. His night terrors may be a way his brain is processing things.

It's helped me come to terms with things and be detached.

Good luck.

Dotty1219 · 11/01/2021 14:19

@NeilBuchananisBanksy hes got a follow up appointment about it soon I think, ill mention to him it might be worth asking the dr about. Thank you Smile

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bloodyhairy · 11/01/2021 14:27

Well I think you're amazing for changing this dog's life. Good on you, and all the very best Star

WhatAreWordsWorth · 11/01/2021 14:34

Just wanted to sympathise as they sound exactly like my ILs. MIL in particular is extremely passive aggressive and blows hot and cold on an almost weekly basis. It’s exhausting, and similar to you, it seems to come out of nowhere.

PILs are also estranged from the rest of their families after various fallings out over the years (and of course, none of them were their fault apparently, although they are the common denominator).

Over time DH and I have learned to just ignore most of it. We don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve bothered us, to the point where it genuinely doesn’t bother us too much now. DH just carries on as normal and texts occasionally until they eventually make contact again as if nothing’s ever happened. I have minimal contact with them anyway, and I’d probably advise you to do the same if this carry-on continues. Don’t get drawn into it! Just be neutral and unbothered.

Well done with the dog, it sounds like you’re doing a fab job! Smile

ChilternsChaCha · 11/01/2021 14:34

@WiseOwlRelaxing

Well, even though I've just blocked my parents Blush I'm going to tell you what my psychotherapist told me. You don't have to buy in to the cycle of truth bomb huff silence capitulation on one side, tentative olive branches, being careful around each other...... truth, huff, silence etc ad infinitum.

You can do your own thing. You can text them with joke or you can text them with a photo of the sunset or a reminder to read such and such a good book.

You don't have a cycle that repeats itself, but you still have the choice to either pick up on the awkwardness and match their withdrawal with your own withdrawal, or, ignore the awkwardness and send a text to keep communication open.

This is so good. I also would suggest counselling, so he can stop their cycle.

Now, I am going to ask you something that may get me flamed, but - why are you not married? The reason I ask, is that getting married can create a really solid family feeling.

I realise that living together is perfectly valid, but I lived together with DH for a few years before we got married (we even became parents) but once we got married it felt different. More solid. More "family".

Dotty1219 · 11/01/2021 15:18

@bloodyhairy he spent the first 5 months of his life in Romania (I saw the posts while I was looking for puppy photos of him on the rescue group, and spent the evening having a little cry because he was picked last and everyone kept reserving him then picking another dog 🙈). He came to the UK in Feb with another family, but they had to give him up due to a change in circumstances. Hes only 16 months and has already had so much change and trauma, I'm not going to add to that just because hes big and looks like a rottweiler. Hes a beautiful dog, very sweet and loving, well behaved around the house. The only issue with him is that he needs to work on his recall and needs to learn a few manners with other dogs, he gets overly excited to play and can be annoying with them. But those are easily fixed, and hes made so much progress already. Its just a shame they aren't prepared to give him a chance. By comparison, they love my sisters dog, who is a pedigree, because he looks "pretty" and hes small (ironically my sisters dog has far more agressive tendencies then my dog- but she is working really hard with him on these).

@ChilternsChaCha I dont mind you asking 🙂 to be honest there isn't any particular reason, its just something we've never gotten around to. I'd like to be married but theres not rush. Im not particularly fussed about a big wedding, neither is he so if we did do it we would probably elope, just us and the dog 😂

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bloodyhairy · 11/01/2021 15:58

@Dotty1219

You are just so lovely. And your boy sounds awesome too. Smile
I HATE people who are put off dogs by their appearance. My mum has had lots of this with her wonderful rescue Staffie.

Whereas I have a small, cute pedigree who can be a total monster 🙄

Dotty1219 · 11/01/2021 16:03

@bloodyhairy heres a picture of my dangerous agressive dog 😂 cuddling his toy monkey.

In law advice? Do I get involved?
OP posts:
Santaiscovidfree · 11/01/2021 16:06

Ah beautiful.. Until last year we had a Rottweiler and a Husky!! Luckily we are already nc with mil!!
And anyway our ddogs don't eat junk food!
Grin

Hoppinggreen · 11/01/2021 16:10

No advice on the in laws but your dog is gorgeous, how lucky you have found eachother
I love big dogs, I’m much more scared of little yappy ones

Stonerosie67 · 11/01/2021 16:11

He's an absolute beaut xxx

MrsMando · 11/01/2021 16:22

He's gorgeous!

FKATondelayo · 11/01/2021 16:30

He's gorgeous!

Would love to get a rescue dog but two kids and a cat rules us out.

Dotty1219 · 11/01/2021 16:37

@Santaiscovidfree that's what they think he is, a husky/rottie/ shepherd mix.

@hoppinggreen he's scared of little dogs too. A little terrier dog in Christmas jumper barked at him once and he hid behind me. Hes so timid. Another off lead dog stole his treats on a walk the other day and he just sat their wagging his tail patiently waiting for another one. 😂

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4Mongrels · 11/01/2021 16:38

He’s beautiful!

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 11/01/2021 16:48

Such a beautiful boy!

londongirl12 · 11/01/2021 16:49

[quote Dotty1219]@bloodyhairy heres a picture of my dangerous agressive dog 😂 cuddling his toy monkey.[/quote]
Aww he doesn't look a scary dog at all!! I love dogs but I admit some do look scary and am wary of them. But he looks lovely!!! Dogs just want to be loved. I'd chose the dog over the in-laws any time!!

bloodyhairy · 11/01/2021 17:08

Oh, what a very handsome boy!