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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spending ££ to celebrate my child's birthday at nursery

116 replies

Birthdayrushfaff · 10/01/2021 11:20

My child turns 3 this week and his nursery have said they will mark the occasion with him on Tuesday (his birthday is Thursday but he won't be in nursery on the day)

I assumed this would just mean me sending him in with a cake and they'd all sing happy birthday and share said cake.

He's on the spectrum and doesn't like fuss. Hated the Christmas party.

My gut told me to get confirmation that was all they were expecting me to send so I sent a text and got a reply today.

It turns out they want me to bring

A banner
Poppers
Cake
Hats for all
Party bags for all of the kids to take home
Balloons
Crisps for all
Drinks for all

The full shebang.

I could try to source all of the above (the party bags being the most daunting, nowhere is open!) but I feel a bit put out if I'm honest.

Is this the norm?

AIBU?

OP posts:
MissMarpleDarling · 10/01/2021 13:13

Defo not normal £1 shop bag of sweets for them to have 1 of each. Job done. Singing happy bday is free.

MaudHatter · 10/01/2021 13:13

Not the norm at all . I agree with acknowledging a child’s birthday but that is ott, bordering on ridiculous. Send in a cake and let them sing happy birthday !

WeAreShiningStars · 10/01/2021 13:14

I'd be concerned that they don't "get" your son if he's clearly on the spectrum. Surely they would have noticed his discomfort at the Christmas party!

Send in the cake you'd planned and nothing else. Tell them he doesn't want a fuss or a party and remind them he's on the spectrum.

mrstnov13 · 10/01/2021 13:23

I'm an early years practitioner and this is not the norm in my nursery. When a child has a birthday, the parent brings a cake in, we all sing happy birthday, dish out the cake to be eaten (usually after lunch) film it for parent and that's it.

Thedarknightsaredrawingin · 10/01/2021 13:26

Definitely not the norm where I live. A cake (must be shop bought and in a sealed box) was the absolute limit.

SmudgeButt · 10/01/2021 13:31

"sorry he wouldn't enjoy it so no."
"sorry but I work full time and can't source what you suggest so no."
"sorry all the shops are closed in case you were too stupid to notice what's happening in the world so no."
"sorry but we're Jehovah Witnesses and don't do birthdays so no."

Whythesadface · 10/01/2021 13:31

Your child your choice.
Tell them while you appreciate the offer of a party, your child will not enjoy the amount of attention the party will focus on them.
That you will be doing x y z , and respectful request there are no loud noises.

Lucieintheskye · 10/01/2021 13:37

This is definitely not the norm and they and you are being ridiculous for even entertaining the idea of spending lots of money on non essentials during a pandemic to give to kids you don't know for a party your child will hate.

Are they planning on disinfecting every item you give them or is it okay that you could be coughing all over the party bags before giving them to potentially vulnerable kids?

Complain to the nursery and say it's a ridiculous expectation and they're putting kids at even higher risk.

Candleabra · 10/01/2021 13:40

Not the norm. And not appropriate for several reasons, the most important one being your child won't like it!
But I'm also astonished they've asked you to provide all this stuff at the moment: unnecessary shopping, covid risk, extra burden on you at a difficult time in lockdown.
Very odd.

SingANewSongChickenTikka · 10/01/2021 13:40

That seems extreme. The nursery we use do parties but have a party box they bring out that contains hats, decorations, disco lights etc. Parents can send a cake if they want to, but there’s no obligation to do so, they get a party with their friends either way.

hayleysmiles · 10/01/2021 13:42

Would parents welcome party bags being sent home in these times? It's a bit irresponsible of them tbh

mam0918 · 10/01/2021 13:45

I wish DS nursery had done stuff like that, for his 4th birthday I wanted to ask his friends parent if she would like to go to the softplay after nursery and they point blank refused to give her my message or phone number under 'safety rules' (and I couldnt ask in person as our kids where picked up/dropped off at different times).

my DS didnt really get a birthday until 5 because until he started school we couldnt ask anyone to come due to the nursery being so strict on 'no contact between parents'.

That said Im suprised they say poppers (never seen them at a kids party and they have little explosives in them so not exactly safe for little children) and surely its the nurseries job to feed the kids not yours (what if theirs dietry issues etc...) and we have never done party hats.

A cake, banner and party bag would be fine with me though (pretty much all supermarkets do party stuff and are open).

Buddytheelf85 · 10/01/2021 13:48

Seems a bit odd. Like a PP, our nursery do parties but they have their own party box with decorations etc and the only thing they ask parents to provide is a cake (shop bought so they have an ingredients list).

I do think it’s really nice that they want to have a party (in the knowledge children aren’t getting parties anywhere else) but it seems really odd to ask you to source such a lot of stuff for it, especially during a lockdown.

It’a presumably quite easy to say no though, given he’s on the spectrum?

andyindurham · 10/01/2021 13:58

We had a 4th birthday in September, not long after returning to nursery. In the week leading up to it, we were planning a party in the local community centre with a kids cookery group, but the rules changed and we had to cancel that. So I asked nursery if they could help us do something with some other kids and was invited to send her in with a cake (shop-bought, boxed, sealed) and they'd look after a chorus of Happy Birthday and all that.

Everyone happy, one Elsa from Frozen cake swiftly disappearing down toddler gullets and minimal stress for anyone. No party bags needed. DW and I were a bit sad because this was the first year our daughter had really been aware that her birthday was coming up, and we'd have liked to do more with it, but in the circumstances this was ideal.

A couple of weeks ago we had an invite to a Zoom birthday party, which worked surprisingly well. The host family sent out cardboard masks for everyone to decorate (super hero theme) and worked out a set of party games that could be played remotely (who can find something red? who can find something fluffy? that kind of thing), which worked better than expected.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 10/01/2021 14:04

Well, it’s not unreasonable for them to suggest these items but it is unreasonable if they’re saying you must provide those things.

At my dc’s nursery they offer a party for £7.50 where they provide a cake, banner, balloons and a party bag and book for the birthday child. If you don’t want to do that then they just sing happy birthday at tea time.

We’re not allowed to provide stuff ourselves.

yogamatted · 10/01/2021 14:12

Never seen anything like that before. Usually not even allowed to supply cake because of other children's allergies etc

Pebbledashery · 10/01/2021 14:15

Utterly ridiculous. Nursery celebrated DDs birthday earlier this year.. I was asked just to make a contribution towards a cake that goes to charity.. Cost me all of £5. They did the rest, food, balloons, games.. I couldn't have asked for more.

Ilovesandwiches · 10/01/2021 14:16

Worked in nurseries for a while now and that’s definitely NOT the norm!
Some families choose to provide these things which is absolutely fine if they’d like to, but we’d never ask! Especially for a child who may not enjoy it; like you’ve explained your DC probably won’t!
Usually they just choose to send a cake which we will have at snack time and all sing to the child.

PenfoldPenny · 10/01/2021 14:17

Thats ridiculously OTT - whether the child is keen on the idea or not.

If they do that for all the children........ that will add up to a lot of parties! A lot of unneccessary waste (all the hats, bags) each and every party. Thats the sort of thing a family does not a nursery or school - in fact a school wouldnt ever do all that so why do so at a nursery?
Singing Happy birthday at some point during the day and the birthday child wearing a special hat/badge/outfit all day is plenty imho. Plus I wouldnt want my preschool child being fed junk at nursery.

Chel098 · 10/01/2021 14:19

I e never known the a nursery to request anything. Bloody cheek.

If your DC doesn’t like fuss tell them OP.

Ttbhappy · 10/01/2021 14:23

uh no too much

simonisnotme · 10/01/2021 14:28

wow
that sounds ridiculous. maybe a cake and mini bag of sweets but that sounds bonkers and should be an option not expected

LudoTrouble · 10/01/2021 14:29

I feel really doubtful that the nursery is pressuring you to do all this.

I am sure if you talked to them in person or emailed to clarify, you'd find they would be horrified at the idea of you panicking about running out and buying treats for gift bags. It would have been either a clumsy tone from a particular staff member or a 'here's a list of the ways we can celebrate if you provide materials'.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/01/2021 14:33

Presumably if you'd just rocked up with a cake, they'd have sing happy birthday and shared the cake. Because you've asked they've told you what the maximum thing is.
So just say golly i think he'd be quite overwhelmed with that, I'll send in a cake

sueelleker · 10/01/2021 14:38

If you wouldn't have invited the whole group to a party, you shouldn't be expected to provide for one.