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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spending ££ to celebrate my child's birthday at nursery

116 replies

Birthdayrushfaff · 10/01/2021 11:20

My child turns 3 this week and his nursery have said they will mark the occasion with him on Tuesday (his birthday is Thursday but he won't be in nursery on the day)

I assumed this would just mean me sending him in with a cake and they'd all sing happy birthday and share said cake.

He's on the spectrum and doesn't like fuss. Hated the Christmas party.

My gut told me to get confirmation that was all they were expecting me to send so I sent a text and got a reply today.

It turns out they want me to bring

A banner
Poppers
Cake
Hats for all
Party bags for all of the kids to take home
Balloons
Crisps for all
Drinks for all

The full shebang.

I could try to source all of the above (the party bags being the most daunting, nowhere is open!) but I feel a bit put out if I'm honest.

Is this the norm?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthdayrushfaff · 10/01/2021 12:14

I am surprised they didn't consider whether DS would like the fuss. Parents were allowed to attend the Christmas party for 15 minutes before home time and when I went into the hall poor DS had his ear defenders on hiding in the corner behind another parent. As nice as it was, the effort they went to, it wasn't enjoyable for him.

I'm going to to provide a cake, balloons and hats so I'll do that. The rest is unnecessary imo.

DS probably won't even eat any of the cake as he is so rigid with food but I'm sending one in for the rest of the kids as it's the done thing isn't it, birthday cake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthdayrushfaff · 10/01/2021 12:15

I'm also going to remind them of his sensory needs, so no loud music or singing loudly.

He'll be fine with the hats and balloons he likes those.

OP posts:
CastleCrasher · 10/01/2021 12:18

Are you sure they aren't just sending you a list of what they'd be willing to do, rather than what they're expecting? Either way, it's not compulsory. Just send a cake and tell them that he wouldn't enjoy a fuss.

Usernamenumber6373 · 10/01/2021 12:21

Definitely not the norm. Just send in a cake! Obviously not blowing of candles due to current times. Or maybe even individual cupcakes?

It’s a nice idea especially as children cannot have a birthday party. I think the thoughts there but if your son would distressed then no. My two are on the spectrum and would get overwhelmed by this.

If the nursery want to celebrate. Banners are 99p on eBay. They could buy some and re-use with every child who has a birthday, similar with hats etc.

Imo children don’t need a big fuss or parties to have a great birthday. I learnt this year. Both dc had birthdays in lockdown 1. My eldest is 10 and he said he had the best birthday either. We didn’t go out, he spent all day playing with his new things, we got a take away delivered and basically just had a chilled day. He said it was the best birthday ever! No rushing, no big fuss (as above he is on the spectrum of too). Similar with Dd too.

Hankunamatata · 10/01/2021 12:22

If your doing party bags - just go simple: bag of crisps, lolly, pack of haribo.

Keratinsmooth · 10/01/2021 12:27

Amazon for some bits? Don’t stress what you can get hold of? Defo do cake, drinks and cakes.

Sheleg · 10/01/2021 12:30

Why on earth would you even be considering this if you know it would cause your child distress. You need to be his advocate, not go along with hare-brained ideas just to keep the peace.

M0mmyneedswine · 10/01/2021 12:30

3 DC gone through nursery and have never had this, sent a cake if they were in on the day and that was it. Never came home with a party bag so assume other parents did the same as me

Tal45 · 10/01/2021 12:31

I'd be a bit concerned that they didn't know your child well enough to know that he wouldn't like this and also that they don't seem to be aware that a child with ASD really might not enjoy a party, particularly one with party poppers.
How long has your lo been there? Have they had any training on ASD?

PodgeBod · 10/01/2021 12:33

At my daughters nursery we just send in a cake which they have instead of dessert.

Has your DS ever had a party bag sent home? Are you sure this is what they normally do, maybe they think this is what you want (a full blown party) and they are trying to be nice and accommodate?

00100001 · 10/01/2021 12:33

Oh wow, Nurseries are different round here... You might get amino bag of haribo handed over at the end if the day....that's it really.

Tier10 · 10/01/2021 12:35

If I had a nursery aged child I wouldn’t want them
eating a cake another parent has made. Do the children have some of the cake or is it just for singing, candles etc?

eosmum · 10/01/2021 12:36

Has he ever brought home a party bag from another classmates party? I think cake is plenty.

Original poster
Birthdayrushfaff · 10/01/2021 12:40

He has never come home with a party bag no, he came home with a balloon once.

He has been there since July of last year.

They do have plenty of knowledge on SEN, at least the main nursery manager and her deputy do.

OP posts:
Lougle · 10/01/2021 12:41

You can take back control here. Send a polite email:

"Good morning,

Thank you for offering to celebrate DS's birthday on Tuesday, that's so kind of you.

Having seen how the Christmas party affected DS, I am sure that he would be very overwhelmed by a big celebration, so I think it would be better to have a low-key acknowledgement of his birthday, which would be within his comfort zone.

I will be delighted to send a birthday cake, candles and some napkins, so that all the children can enjoy a slice of birthday cake.

Kind regards,

Birthdayrushfaff"

PatchworkElmer · 10/01/2021 12:44

I just send a cake (which pre-school specify has to be store bought so that they can be sure of allergens and also hygiene). I also send in a Haribo multipack in case any allergy children can’t eat the cake. Pre-School organise singing, then cut and wrap the cake and put it in bags to go home- nobody is allowed a piece when the cake is actually done. Gives parents a bit of control over whether to allow it or not.

peak2021 · 10/01/2021 12:45

I would not have anything other than the cake. Panicky government may close nurseries after tomorrow now that Keir Starmer has mentioned it.

BrowncoatWaffles · 10/01/2021 12:47

At my DC's nursery I'd send in a traybake type cake that everyone could have a slice of and one of those party sets of Haribo (20 mini bags in one so every child could have one).

That feels enough and I think you could point out the rest could not be sourced at short notice and leave at that.

SendHelp30 · 10/01/2021 12:47

I would be far more concerned that the people who care for my son don’t seem to know him at all???
How long has he been there ?
My son has ASD & SPD and his keyworker would never suggest any of the things you’ve mentioned as she knows he wouldn’t cope with any of them.

SendHelp30 · 10/01/2021 12:49

You should not need to be reminding them of your sons needs. I would be seriously re considering this nursery for him.

Idontbelieveit12 · 10/01/2021 12:49

I work at a nursery. We don’t expect any of that! Kids generally just bring a cake. Perhaps they are thinking because there can be no other kind of party that you will want this for your son? Just explain that a cake is enough

ineedaholidaynow · 10/01/2021 12:56

I do wonder if they are offering this as children can’t have the normal party they would have pre COVID. Maybe another parent has asked whether this could be done and so they are offering it to everyone, but ensuring they won’t have to fund it.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 10/01/2021 12:59

Our nursery said not to send anything in for DSs birthday due to Covid they sang happy birthday with a wooden cake , he loved it

MsAwesomeDragon · 10/01/2021 13:03

Ring them tomorrow, explain that would stress him out so you'll just bring a cake and ask them to keep it low key.

My dd hid under the table even when people just sang happy birthday when she was that age. She wouldn't blow out her own candles at a birthday party til she was 6, and even then I think it was easier because we'd only invited 4 friends. Not every child likes parties and fuss, and nurseries should understand that, they have to deal with the upset kids more than most.

Sweettea1 · 10/01/2021 13:07

Thats ridiculous ours started todo a little party once a month to celebrate all the birthdays that month since the children can't have big parties with friends at home. Never been asked to send anything in. And on their actual birthday if we pay 3 pound (ingredient cost)the cook makes a basic cake to sing happy birthday at snack time.