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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spending ££ to celebrate my child's birthday at nursery

116 replies

Birthdayrushfaff · 10/01/2021 11:20

My child turns 3 this week and his nursery have said they will mark the occasion with him on Tuesday (his birthday is Thursday but he won't be in nursery on the day)

I assumed this would just mean me sending him in with a cake and they'd all sing happy birthday and share said cake.

He's on the spectrum and doesn't like fuss. Hated the Christmas party.

My gut told me to get confirmation that was all they were expecting me to send so I sent a text and got a reply today.

It turns out they want me to bring

A banner
Poppers
Cake
Hats for all
Party bags for all of the kids to take home
Balloons
Crisps for all
Drinks for all

The full shebang.

I could try to source all of the above (the party bags being the most daunting, nowhere is open!) but I feel a bit put out if I'm honest.

Is this the norm?

AIBU?

OP posts:
ThatIsNotMyUsername · 10/01/2021 11:31

And poppers for small children? Aren’t they 3+ anyway?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 10/01/2021 11:32

Tell them, firmly, no that won't be happening.

At just turning 3 he won't even realise it is his birthday in 2 days time.

DappledThings · 10/01/2021 11:32

This is really bizarre. Mine have had happy birthday sung to them and have occasionally come home with a tiny packet of Haribo from someone else's birthday and that's it. Unless the nursery is tiny they must be doing a birthday party at least once a week. Sounds very disruptive.

Daisy829 · 10/01/2021 11:32

I wonder if they have offered as normal celebrations can’t take place as this isn’t the norm. Just send cake & ask them to sing happy birthday.

HelplessProcrastinator · 10/01/2021 11:34

I’ve never heard of anything like this. I don’t think this is normal. My DD is also on the spectrum and would have hated a fuss at that age, although she wasn’t diagnosed until later. You don’t have to go along with this plan. Nice idea for children who would enjoy it with parties being out of the question, but shouldn’t be expected.

cate16 · 10/01/2021 11:34

I would say they are just trying to give your child a birthday party -probably with photos at this hard time.

We just sing, have cake/sweets that get sent home for parents to decide if/when they eat them.

I actually like the idea of having a little party at the moment. But if your child/you wouldn't like it just tell them why.

CoffeeCheeseandCupcakes · 10/01/2021 11:38

You do know you could just tell them, "no thanks" right? If there expecting you to source everything - and you know your DS wouldn't enjoy it.

Just tell them thank you for the thought, but know your DS wouldn't want a fuss made. You'll send in cake and if they could sing Happy Birthday, that would be lovely and all he needs.

Original poster
Birthdayrushfaff · 10/01/2021 11:39

I'm almost certain DS won't like the poppers so I won't be getting those.

I'm happy to provide a nice cake and was planning to anyway.

The party bags are going to be a huge PITA to source. I was looking at birthday stuff in our local Tesco the other day and there wasn't much at all, I certainly didn't see anything for party bags.

At the risk of sounding like a miser I'm not exactly flush. I've only spent two months in work since September due to covid and I'm not furloughed.

If I was to get everything on that list I would be spending more on his birthday there then I have at home.

OP posts:
SBAM · 10/01/2021 11:40

Not the norm in my experience. At our nursery pre-covid parents would send in a (boxed, from a supermarket) cake and the kids would bring a piece home. We weren’t even allowed to send a cake for my daughters birthday in the summer , they just sing happy birthday now I think.

Pipandmum · 10/01/2021 11:42

Not in the nursery my kids went to. Just say no - surely they must know him well enough to understand that this would not make him happy? Just tell them you will bring in a cake and a few treats but do not want a fuss.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/01/2021 11:44

Why are you even entertaining this? The nursery do not get to decide how you spend your money nor how your ds wishes to mark his birthday. He is your child. It is your money. Just write to them and say you won’t be doing this as it is not what your ds wants. I wouldn’t even send cake off that isn’t what he would like.

Poppins2016 · 10/01/2021 11:45

That seems odd to me. One child at nursery was upset that he couldn't have a party due to Covid, so the parents sent party bags in, which was very sweet. For my DSs birthday I made some cupcakes and they were given out to the children. But this was parental choice!

Arobase · 10/01/2021 11:46

I find it entitled and frankly bizarre you would feel "put out" that people who care for your child are going out the way to make his birthday special.

"Entitled" is such a lazy criticism, and in this contact is itself bizarre. How can it be entitled to want the nursery to take less trouble? It's totally misconceived anyway in light of what OP says about her child's autism.

Petitmum · 10/01/2021 11:50

Just do what you are comfortable with..............a cake is fine. I wouldn't want a party bag sent home now (or ever). Do not feel pressurised into doing things by others!!!

"Thankyou for the offer of a party, as DS doesn't like a fuss we have decided that just singing Happy Birthday and having a cake is all that is required!"

BaronessBomburst · 10/01/2021 11:51

You don't have to provide party bags. Just send in a cake. The children are three. They'll be perfectly happy with singing and piece of cake.

Poppingnostopping · 10/01/2021 11:52

I would definitely say that as your son is autistic he probably won't enjoy a full blown party, and for money reasons you don't want to provide party bags and food to share, but are happy to send in a cake.

This is ridiculous as an expectation, do they not have any poorer families who would struggle with this (or anyone really who hasn't of £30 plus if you have to make 15 party bags, a cake, food and drink, that's just not cheap)?

Say no, it's also very unhealthy to do this every time there's a birthday which is probably pretty often.

N4ish · 10/01/2021 11:52

Why don’t you just say a polite ‘No thanks’? What they’re planning is over the top, was never the norm when my two were at nursery.

Sending in party bags sounds like a nightmare from lots of perspectives, are the staff going to check every bag for allergens, choking hazards etc.?

CottonSock · 10/01/2021 11:53

Not normal op. especially as non essential shopping

Lostinthemail · 10/01/2021 11:55

Don’t do it. Just don’t. Your child won’t even enjoy it.

Just curious about one thing: why did you ask what they were expecting you to send in in the first place?

Original poster
Birthdayrushfaff · 10/01/2021 11:57

why did you ask what they were expecting you to send in in the first place?

I just had a feeling, my gut told me to check we were on the same page (me sending him in with a cake)

The list I got back was a surprise to say the least.

OP posts:
Glenthebattleostrich · 10/01/2021 12:00

We are doing lots of extra things in my setting (childminder) for the children's birthdays because they are missing so much, however I'm doing it because I want to I certainly dont expect parents to foot the bill. Of course I welcome any additional support but it is completely voluntary.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 10/01/2021 12:02

If your child enjoyed them I'd think it lovely, as they can't have bday parties in the current situation. However seems like they're treating every bday as a reason for a treat, which while I think it's understandable given the current sadness inn the world, makes no sense if your child really would struggle.

hayleysmiles · 10/01/2021 12:02

Just say, 'that sounds lovely but no thanks as DS wouldn't be a fan because . . .. I'll send a cake for the kids to share during the day

thethoughtfox · 10/01/2021 12:07

What about the children whose parents can't afford this?

Oysterbabe · 10/01/2021 12:13

Never sent in a single thing for either of mine's birthdays. It's never been suggested that I should.