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Original poster

Would it be weird to just live with my friend?

100 replies

LardeeLar · 10/01/2021 06:22

We've known each other 15 years and are both in our 40s. We are both child free by choice and have similar jobs that give us a lot of freedom. As soon as we met, we just clicked and over the years have become very close.

I need to leave (at least geographically) my long term partner because we live in the back end of Yorkshire where he's from and won't consider anywhere else. Not even Leeds or Sheffield :-/ I've given it a fair go living with him for the past 3 years but honestly I'm just fed up now: not of him, not at all. He's wonderful. But I'm tired of knocking around where HE is happy - no offence to rural Yorkshire, its absolutely beautiful but I feel I have another 20 years to go before I want that life if you see what I mean!

So my friend and I are thinking about getting a flat together. My sister however thinks that that's me "moving backwards". But deep down I know that living with my friend is going to be absolutely brilliant. We are very open to listening to what the other needs, so if my partner came down to visit for 2 nights she would make herself scarce, and same with me and the guy shes currently seeing - she can count on me to give her space for that!

But just cooking together, maybe finding a pub quiz to do once a week when things are back to normal, telly downtime together, etc - we both just think it would be great.

My sister knows us both well and says she thinks it would work TOO WELL (.....) and that we would both just get stuck never wanting to move on.

OP posts:
Guineapigbridge · 10/01/2021 06:29

Life's short, do what suits you. Maybe try a six month sublet arrangement with her first? and commit to going to his place for weekends?

you'll need to reassure him you'll find ways to still shag him if you want to still be his romantic partner as that's what he'll be worried about no doubt.

BananaBananaII · 10/01/2021 06:29

Can I join? Grin

What does your partner think? Not that you need his permission but would it end the relationship and is that something you're willing to risk. I personally think it sounds reasonable/doable - go for it.

Original poster
LardeeLar · 10/01/2021 06:33

@Guineapigbridge
Yes that's what we were thinking: to try it out for three months and see.

@BananaBananaII
I haven't told my partner about this idea yet. Blush Hes going to be hurt and I'm dreading it. But he has been so resistant to change.

OP posts:
BananaBananaII · 10/01/2021 06:36

Will he see it the way you see it or will he see it that you're moving out and away from him?

I understand why you would feel the way you do but he might not if you think it would hurt him. If it were reversed would you feel abandoned?

Original poster
LardeeLar · 10/01/2021 06:41

@BananaBananaII
Yes, he will definitely see it that way. Sad Honestly if it were reversed... I don't think we would have got to this stage as if I were him I would have been more than happy to go to Sheffield or Leeds if it meant both partners were getting something of what they needed!

It does feel a little like he does love me, I don't doubt that - but it has been about me slotting into his preexisting patterns if you get me. On numerous (countless) occasions I've told him this isn't working for me, but he has just flat out refused to budge...

OP posts:
Sethy38 · 10/01/2021 06:44

Go for it!!

BananaBananaII · 10/01/2021 06:47

My response is going to be completely clouded by my own relationship issues but it seems that he is willing for you to be unhappy but will play the victim if you try and pursue your own happiness. I might be completely wrong but that's how I would feel and it is suffocating. To be honest the words "got to this stage" are quite telling....but maybe I'm way off?

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/01/2021 06:48

My sister knows us both well and says she thinks it would work TOO WELL (.....) and that we would both just get stuck never wanting to move on.

Because, heaven forbid you should find something that works and makes you happy and stick with it?

I think you should go for it!

Bmidreams · 10/01/2021 06:49

I think it's great until you add in the partners staying over. It won't be just the two of you. You'd have to live with her fella and vice versa. It doesn't work. Unless you have a rule of no men staying overnight.

TooManyKidsSendHelp · 10/01/2021 06:52

If you really want to do it then I would just go for it. It's not as if you can't move out again if it doesn't work out.

PinkyParrot · 10/01/2021 06:54

I want to end my days living with my DSis - someone who has a great sense of fun, who would do their share of running the home, would be there to chat to.
Sadly she lives overseas and isn't coming back (also DHs need to go).

billy1966 · 10/01/2021 06:55

Absolutely go for it.

He MAY love you, but it's strictly on his terms.

I wouldn't think about it too hard.

It sounds like it would be an easy way to move to an urban setting and transition.

Your partner wants everything his own way and that isn't compatible with a healthy relationship.

Be prepared for the relationship to be over.

Perhaps it's time to move on.

He sounds very set in his ways and fundamentally selfish.

You are far too young to settle for the arsehole of nowhere when you enjoy company.

Take the time though to have conversation about the minutiae of living together.

It would be awful to fall out.

"Fail to prepare, prepare to fail"...and all that jazz!
Flowers

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 10/01/2021 06:55

I know two women (both divorced) who were long term friends and decided to move in together in their 60s, on a permanent basis, buying a house together. It seems to work very well as a sort of platonic domestic partnership, and I hope it staves off the prospect of a lonely old age.

I only hope that they've kept the paperwork watertight to avoid one's family losing out in terms of inheritance if one ends up in a care home.

MsChatterbox · 10/01/2021 06:56

I agree with pp. I think it should just be a girls place and you visit your own partners homes. I would broach it to your partner as a question... Would he rather move somewhere where you are both happy or would he rather live apart but remain in a relationship seeing each other at the weekend.

Original poster
LardeeLar · 10/01/2021 06:56

@BananaBananaII
You are absolutely spot on! 😮 This is exactly what it will be like. Like I'm ruining everything (which in fairness I suppose I kind of am) when in reality I've given it a fair whack, and he hasnt really met me half way 🤷‍♀️
PM me if you'd like to chat sometime, it sounds like we're dealing with q similar strain of man...

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 10/01/2021 06:56

I also live in my DHs world. Albeit with 4 kids. Impossible to make friends here. My best friend lives with us at the moment and it works really well. I have worked from home since February as does she and it's good having company. We just never get on each other's nerves. I'd go for it.

Original poster
LardeeLar · 10/01/2021 06:57

@DifficultBloodyWoman
Love your name! Yes, heaven forbid I become....a SPINSTER or something!

The responses here have heartened me, thank you.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 10/01/2021 06:58

I'd do it. Life is too short sometimes and if it doesn't work then you work out what to do next.

devildeepbluesea · 10/01/2021 06:58

This sounds brilliant, definitely go for it. The men staying over thing is easily sorted, just ensure everyone gets plenty of notice if you actually want the flat to yourselves.

I'm rather jealous...

Apple31419 · 10/01/2021 07:13

Sounds like you know what would make you permanently happy and you have the chance to do it!
Worst thing is he ends the relationship, but it sounds like you could live without it and life would be better this way anyway

Go for it!

BananaBananaII · 10/01/2021 07:14

@LardeeLar I shall do! But let me reiterate this first. You won't be ruining anything. He'll just tell you that you are... I'm sure he'll tell you lots of other things too. It's just words.

joystir59 · 10/01/2021 07:15

Imo more women should choose shared living arrangements! Excellent idea. Go for it. Staying trapped where you are is a bad idea, life is too short for that.

VeganCow · 10/01/2021 07:23

You never know, once he sees you are off, he may change his mind and meet you half way and agree to move?

SophieB100 · 10/01/2021 07:29

I think you should do it too OP, because you're unhappy, and have tried your best to make it work.
But relationships are all about compromise, and the fact that your DP has ignored your needs, is the real issue here.
I think if you do this, you have to accept that it might be the end of the relationship (and that might not be a bad thing).

yearinyearout · 10/01/2021 07:33

What are your reasons for moving? Is it that your job needs to be in a city, or just for social reasons? Not suggesting it's wrong either way I'm just thinking about how he will take it. I think it's a great idea to live with a friend!