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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would it be weird to just live with my friend?

100 replies

LardeeLar · 10/01/2021 06:22

We've known each other 15 years and are both in our 40s. We are both child free by choice and have similar jobs that give us a lot of freedom. As soon as we met, we just clicked and over the years have become very close.

I need to leave (at least geographically) my long term partner because we live in the back end of Yorkshire where he's from and won't consider anywhere else. Not even Leeds or Sheffield :-/ I've given it a fair go living with him for the past 3 years but honestly I'm just fed up now: not of him, not at all. He's wonderful. But I'm tired of knocking around where HE is happy - no offence to rural Yorkshire, its absolutely beautiful but I feel I have another 20 years to go before I want that life if you see what I mean!

So my friend and I are thinking about getting a flat together. My sister however thinks that that's me "moving backwards". But deep down I know that living with my friend is going to be absolutely brilliant. We are very open to listening to what the other needs, so if my partner came down to visit for 2 nights she would make herself scarce, and same with me and the guy shes currently seeing - she can count on me to give her space for that!

But just cooking together, maybe finding a pub quiz to do once a week when things are back to normal, telly downtime together, etc - we both just think it would be great.

My sister knows us both well and says she thinks it would work TOO WELL (.....) and that we would both just get stuck never wanting to move on.

OP posts:

NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor · 10/01/2021 10:59

I think in principal there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. But, often the best of friends find out living together absolutely doesn’t work as well as they think.

When I moved in with my best friend early 20s everyone thought it would be great, in reality it was a nightmare for both of us and it absolutely nearly cost us our friendship. Before looking I’d discuss aspects of living together that will get tricky, boundaries, responsibilities, what if scenarios and really think about it, as Bluntness said it’s all well and good saying you’ll “make you’re self scarce” when partners come round. But what does that mean? Where will you go? Think about the layout and size of the flat too, do you both have equal space? What are your routines for morning / evenings etc.

dazzlinghaze · 10/01/2021 11:01

I think it sounds like a great idea, OP. I really don't think that it would be a step backwards to find a way of life that makes you happy and stick with it. The one thing I would say you need to consider is: how would you feel if your partner split up with you over you moving out? It's easy for me to say "Sounds great, go for it and fuck what he thinks!" But if you'd be devastated if he ended the relationship it would probably taint the whole experience of moving for you. However, if you genuinely think you'd be fine if he decided to break up with you I would 100% go for it. It sounds like he has little regard for what you want and isn't fussed that you're unhappy so I think you should absolutely chase that happiness for yourself. Good luck, OP.

DancingInTheBathroom · 10/01/2021 11:02

You need to do what makes you happy, but to be honest I can't see a relationship lasting with an arrangement like this. Most people want to live with their partner and I imagine yours is the same. So I think you will have to decide which is more important to you.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/01/2021 11:08

How can a thing work TOO WELL?!

I want everything in my life to work TOO WELL.

I say give it a go. However, bear in mind that you don't know what a person is like to live with until you live with them. It may be idyllic, it may not... There is a small risk that you fall out with each other and you lose a friend. It wouldn't put me off trying a houseshare, but I would be reviewing it and I would have a backup plan too.

LouiseTrees · 10/01/2021 11:11

[quote LardeeLar]@BananaBananaII
Yes, he will definitely see it that way. Honestly if it were reversed... I don't think we would have got to this stage as if I were him I would have been more than happy to go to Sheffield or Leeds if it meant both partners were getting something of what they needed!

It does feel a little like he does love me, I don't doubt that - but it has been about me slotting into his preexisting patterns if you get me. On numerous (countless) occasions I've told him this isn't working for me, but he has just flat out refused to budge...[/quote]
I think you need to tell him everything and say that you still love him but it’s where you are living is the big problem. You can’t afford to go it alone and you’ve already said to him several times about moving somewhere close but more comfortable for you several times.

campion · 10/01/2021 11:14

So you want to leave your partner but keep him at the same time?
That's not going to work, is it?

It sounds like a bit of a fantasy that he'd accept that.And setting up home with a friend could change that relationship too.

Snowdrop30 · 10/01/2021 11:16

Do what makes you happy! Open question: might you maybe love your friend in more than a friend type way? You do sound well suited, and the way you talk about her ...well, as a bi woman I just wondered?

Murmurur · 10/01/2021 11:20

It's not moving backwards at all.

I think this was more common in times past. I have great uncles and aunts who didn't marry and have lived platonically with a sibling their whole adult lives. There's a name for it when 2 female friends do it - Chelsea marriage is it? Sometimes they'd be a gay couple, sometimes not.

Another option that I've seen, if it's too much to cope with living together 24/7, is buy a house and split it into 2 flats by adding a second kitchen upstairs and second bathroom downstairs. You have each other on tap but don't have to fight over the remote. We looked at a house where they'd done this and it still looked like a normal house, except for the small kitchen upstairs which could easily be removed. Genius IMO.

Taikoo · 10/01/2021 11:25

Go for it.
And dump him.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 10/01/2021 11:26

My sister knows us both well and says she thinks it would work TOO WELL (.....) and that we would both just get stuck never wanting to move on.

I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark here... your sister is married, with children, and sees this as the ideal to which we must all aspire. In her eyes, you should be actively trying to achieve this, but instead are actually doing something she feels could prevent it. At best, this bemuses and frustrates her. At worst, it scares her - because it makes her wonder if maybe marriage and family at all costs isn’t the only route to happiness, and the great achievement she thought it was.

Yohoheaveho · 10/01/2021 11:27

I say go for it, your partner is being unfair wanting everything on his terms and expecting you to be happy with this

sosotired1 · 10/01/2021 11:27

Brilliant plan, if you rent you can just move on if it doesn't work. I have a friend who I lived with before and we talk about doing it again in the future!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/01/2021 11:36

There's a name for it when 2 female friends do it - Chelsea marriage is it?

Boston marriage used to be the term.

Murmurur · 10/01/2021 12:25

Thank you @theyearofsmallthings

BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 10/01/2021 12:30

Do it. Try it for three or six months and see how it goes. If nothing else, you won't regret not trying.

billy1966 · 10/01/2021 12:41

If you don't wish to have a family then living apart suits lits of people.

Why wouldn't it.

You might enjoy him more, but it also gives you sight of what's out there.

Ultimately he is prepared to sacrifice your happiness for a location so, I wouldn't worry about him too much.
He'll be fine.
Go for the largest space you can with your pal.
Ideally two living rooms....to entertain separately.👍

Yohoheaveho · 10/01/2021 12:51

I think your sister is worried about it working 'too well' because she's worried about you being 'too happy'
Aka she doesn't like the idea of you doing better than her in life, or (as per Stillcoughing) she wants to enforce her narrative that the only legitimate way to get on in life is to follow convention get married and have children, she doesn't like the idea of you taking a different route to happiness and achieving more than her

peak2021 · 10/01/2021 12:51

Not weird, not backward, a perfectly sensible idea. Rural life is not for everyone and indeed rural life would probably be better without some of the 'townies' who move there!

You will need to think carefully about intimacy with your long term partner when he visits and some practicalities- I am sure your friend will not want to see him naked for example, and he better leave the bathroom with the toilet seat down!

KatieGGGG · 10/01/2021 12:58

OP I can’t imagine anything better than living with my best friend.

Almost nothing in life is permanent, if it doesn’t work out for you both then you move out, no harm done. If it does work out you’ve just vastly improved your living situation!

Your DP has had his chance. Put you first

partyatthepalace · 10/01/2021 12:58

It sounds great! I think people are going to live in a lot of different ways in future. But - give it a trial first, and I'd listen to your sister, ie make sure you do both maintain other friends etc, cos it is easy to not bother and in the long run it doesn't enrich life.

If possible I would try and get a big enough place that you don't have to make yours TOO scare when your partners come down, or that may get annoying. Of course you'd give each other space, but you want to be able to be in for some visits if you want/need to be.

Re your partner - it's not great he won't compromise, given that's what relationships are about. There are plenty of nice countryside bits of Yorkshire that aren't far from towns and cities so I don't understand why couldn't have found something that worked for you both. If he kicks off re being hurt I'd point that out v firmly. It sounds like this one may become a more casual relationship, or come to an end.

Folklore9074 · 10/01/2021 13:02

Go for it! Sounds like an ideal set up with your friend.

MissMarpleDarling · 10/01/2021 13:10

It sounds fabulous! Do it and have a fun x

Osirus · 10/01/2021 16:24

I think YABU. This will end your relationship. If that’s what you want, that’s fine. But there’s no way he’s going to see this with the same rosy outlook as you.

If you don’t split up - when are you going to move back in with him? Or won’t you? You’ll be holding him back as much as he’s holding you back now.

Also, I have lived with (several) friends and family members. Trust me, please, you do not REALLY know someone until you’ve actually lived with them. I had a 20 year old very close family member move in last year. I used to babysit for this person. I thought this person was a wonderful human being. They ended up emotionally abusing my child and they were swiftly moved on. Relationship ruined.

Be prepared for some surprises!

I do know, on the other hand, some female friendship “couples” this has worked for, to a degree.

Keep an open mind maybe; it could be great, but it could also be the end of both your relationship, and your friendship.

PinkyParrot · 10/01/2021 16:48

The problem could be if one wants their DP always there. Discuss this before getting together.

Wheresmykimchi · 10/01/2021 16:51

How strange that the thread where it was a man wanting to live on his own only partly , the man was shot down in flames for not loving her. However.....

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