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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would it be weird to just live with my friend?

100 replies

LardeeLar · 10/01/2021 06:22

We've known each other 15 years and are both in our 40s. We are both child free by choice and have similar jobs that give us a lot of freedom. As soon as we met, we just clicked and over the years have become very close.

I need to leave (at least geographically) my long term partner because we live in the back end of Yorkshire where he's from and won't consider anywhere else. Not even Leeds or Sheffield :-/ I've given it a fair go living with him for the past 3 years but honestly I'm just fed up now: not of him, not at all. He's wonderful. But I'm tired of knocking around where HE is happy - no offence to rural Yorkshire, its absolutely beautiful but I feel I have another 20 years to go before I want that life if you see what I mean!

So my friend and I are thinking about getting a flat together. My sister however thinks that that's me "moving backwards". But deep down I know that living with my friend is going to be absolutely brilliant. We are very open to listening to what the other needs, so if my partner came down to visit for 2 nights she would make herself scarce, and same with me and the guy shes currently seeing - she can count on me to give her space for that!

But just cooking together, maybe finding a pub quiz to do once a week when things are back to normal, telly downtime together, etc - we both just think it would be great.

My sister knows us both well and says she thinks it would work TOO WELL (.....) and that we would both just get stuck never wanting to move on.

OP posts:
Doobigetta · 10/01/2021 17:03

It sounds great, and I don’t think it would be “moving backwards”.

I agree with others that the idea of making yourselves scarce when the other person’s partner around won’t work. Especially right now when there’s nowhere else to go! But even in normal times it’s not always convenient to not have to be away from home- you might be tired, ill, have things you want to do at home... it’s a much better idea to keep the shared home partner-free and spend time with your partners in their homes.

I’d also be slightly concerned about what will happen if/when it stops working for one of you. In a platonic relationship, where you aren’t building a future together, it’s likely that one of you will want to move on at a time that isn’t great for the other, who is then left high and dry. I think I’d want to think that through carefully, and have a clear agreement up front how you will handle that.

MilkMoon · 10/01/2021 17:08

@Wheresmykimchi

How strange that the thread where it was a man wanting to live on his own only partly , the man was shot down in flames for not loving her. However.....Confused
For heaven's sake, @Wheresmykimchi this OP has lived with her partner, both childfree by choice, for three years in a place she hates, because she loves him. She's given it her all for years, and she loves him, she's just realised that he will never compromise his preference of location for her. That is in no way similar to a man who is visibly reluctant to move in with his girlfriend, and says he will only move in if he keeps his own space as a getaway the girlfriend wants to have a child with him and live him and her own child as a family. No one is wrong, but their needs are incompatible.
Ragwort · 10/01/2021 17:10

Personally I would much rather live on my own, sharing with anyone is hard work and at 40 is it hard to compromise .. but definitely leave this guy (did you post about moving in with him years ago? It sounds familiar).

YukoandHiro · 10/01/2021 17:12

Not sure your partner will see this solution the way you do. Do you want to end the relationship ? that is likely to the outcome. if not, then you'll need to find some other compromise. if he won't compromise, is he really bothered about the relationship?

TheGoogleMum · 10/01/2021 17:18

I suspect most women would prefer living with other women really :p its a little odd, it is a step backwards for your relationship, but at the same time it sounds like just what you need so I say go for it

thosetalesofunexpected · 10/01/2021 17:42

Hi Op
Go for it this arrangement with your friend,
Do this for a trial period see how it works out,(pans out.
Life's far too short to be stuck in a rut.!!
He sounds like a fuddy duddy sort of guy your husband/partner.!

You are a lot more of Dynamic extrovert type of person.!
Consirdering you sound like such a miss match couple
Its susprising its worked out so long this kind of Dynamic ..

Best of Luck
Hope things work out well for youDaffodilCakeBrew

Murmurur · 10/01/2021 17:54

@YukoandHiro yes I am assuming OP understands it may well mean the end of the relationship.

Wheresmykimchi · 11/01/2021 00:00

@MilkMoon

I don't get the difference. I really don't. Why is a child (or wish for a child) an automatic game changer?

OP has just said she doesn't like Yorkshire. There is no evidence of compromise on her part

I'm being awkward absolutely, but I do get fed up with the continuous vibe of female OP.- you go girl vs male DP is an arse.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 11/01/2021 00:13

Living in a place she hates for years IS the compromise. She's done it, she still hates it, he won't move so what's she left with? Continue living in a place she hates? Why?!

Wheresmykimchi · 11/01/2021 00:40

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup

Living in a place she hates for years IS the compromise. She's done it, she still hates it, he won't move so what's she left with? Continue living in a place she hates? Why?!
Because why is her need to move more important than his need to stay?
campion · 11/01/2021 00:43

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup

Living in a place she hates for years IS the compromise. She's done it, she still hates it, he won't move so what's she left with? Continue living in a place she hates? Why?!
It's a bit odd to leave a 'wonderful man' because you don't like the area where you live. So I guess he's not that wonderful and she's looking for her next adventure.
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 11/01/2021 00:47

Only tonight I was talking to my niece about the exact same thing! If it wasn't for the fact that I love my DH so much I'd definitely move in with my best mate, it would be ace!

safclass · 11/01/2021 01:26

First bit of common sense I've read.
If they care for each other they need to have that discussion. He may not have realised her level of conviction to move but if given the option of moving/losing her, his position MAY Change . If not at least she tried and he had the option.

LimeTreeGrove · 11/01/2021 01:33

Go for it op. I'm a strong believer that people should live with whoever they want if it works for them. Whether that be elderly mum and adult son, two elderly sisters or friends, in laws, two adult friends. Anyone if it works for them.
Remember the 3 single elderly friends who moved in together at the beginning of lockdown? Lovely!

snufflebuns · 11/01/2021 01:41

I did this!!!

6 month trial, coming up to 2 years living separately now. Best thing I ever did!!! 3 new best friends and boyfriend who I may soooon move back in with.

Do. It.

waydownwego · 11/01/2021 06:30

I'm not saying don't do it, but it sounds as if this will be the end of your relationship whereas you seem to think your OH will come round to long-distance dating eventually. That strikes me as entirely unlikely, especially when the change in circumstances is presented to him as a fait accompli because you can't stand his life, not because of something driven by a third party, like work taking you away from the area.

I mean, if the lifestyle is not for you, and the relationship won't support a change, then, well, that's it for the relationship. Just don't expect to get a lovely new houseshare with a lovely friend and keep some version of that relationship. The fact that you're planning a whole new life without him is telling of how much you really want him in your life. It's not wrong, it's just I think you might not have fully grasped the implications.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 11/01/2021 12:42

@wheresmykimchi

Because why is her need to move more important than his need to stay?

If she just fancied moving for the sake of it I'd agree with you. But if she is miserable then, as has been mentioned, a good partner should want to try and help resolve this. But it sounds like he's unwilling to move which leaves OP to continue being miserable or find a solution to her problem. She's found a solution and isn't obligated to continue living with her DP if doing so makes her unhappy.

kale123 · 11/01/2021 12:47

Sounds fun but sometimes living with someone is totally different it could cause arguments between silly things

kale123 · 11/01/2021 12:49

Why don't you say it's just for 6 -12 months that way if things bother you it's only for that amount of time

Lifeisabeach09 · 11/01/2021 13:10

My sister knows us both well and says she thinks it would work TOO WELL (.....) and that we would both just get stuck never wanting to move on.

Move on to what??? Another failed relationship in which you are unhappy.

I'd do it. No law saying you have to spend the rest of your lives living together if it doesn't work or you meet another DP in the future.

Emeraldshamrock · 11/01/2021 13:34

It sounds ideal.

Wheresmykimchi · 11/01/2021 14:30

[quote TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup]@wheresmykimchi

Because why is her need to move more important than his need to stay?

If she just fancied moving for the sake of it I'd agree with you. But if she is miserable then, as has been mentioned, a good partner should want to try and help resolve this. But it sounds like he's unwilling to move which leaves OP to continue being miserable or find a solution to her problem. She's found a solution and isn't obligated to continue living with her DP if doing so makes her unhappy.[/quote]
I agree with you.

But I don't think either are being unreasonable.

miimblemomble · 11/01/2021 14:49

Honestly? It's an idea I have toyed with (despite having DH and two DCs!) for the future, but I think it would only work if you were actually living together in a platonic way - and not bringing partners / boyfriends etc into it.

"she would make herself scarce," what does this mean in practice? Stay in her room all night so you can hog the kitchen, smooch on the couch? Flatmates bringing boyfriends into the picture and having them practically move in - or even just being there often - was the one thing that caused friction when I was flatsharing. I'd rather live alone than share with a couple part-time tbh.

But the idea of living in a women-only community in my later years, that really appeals. OR with my sister, that would be nice.

CaptainVanesHair · 11/01/2021 15:17

My aunt and her best friend ended up spending their lives together platonically. They both lost their fiancé’s in WW2 (and honorary aunt fell in unrequired love with her married boss) and though they weren’t in a relationship, I always remember them as life partners. It really did work.

Your partners may complicate things but I think it could work.

purplebagladylovesgin · 11/01/2021 16:46

My aunty did this 20 years ago in her 50's. She's now retired and still happily living with her friend. They get on very well.

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