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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would it be weird to just live with my friend?

100 replies

LardeeLar · 10/01/2021 06:22

We've known each other 15 years and are both in our 40s. We are both child free by choice and have similar jobs that give us a lot of freedom. As soon as we met, we just clicked and over the years have become very close.

I need to leave (at least geographically) my long term partner because we live in the back end of Yorkshire where he's from and won't consider anywhere else. Not even Leeds or Sheffield :-/ I've given it a fair go living with him for the past 3 years but honestly I'm just fed up now: not of him, not at all. He's wonderful. But I'm tired of knocking around where HE is happy - no offence to rural Yorkshire, its absolutely beautiful but I feel I have another 20 years to go before I want that life if you see what I mean!

So my friend and I are thinking about getting a flat together. My sister however thinks that that's me "moving backwards". But deep down I know that living with my friend is going to be absolutely brilliant. We are very open to listening to what the other needs, so if my partner came down to visit for 2 nights she would make herself scarce, and same with me and the guy shes currently seeing - she can count on me to give her space for that!

But just cooking together, maybe finding a pub quiz to do once a week when things are back to normal, telly downtime together, etc - we both just think it would be great.

My sister knows us both well and says she thinks it would work TOO WELL (.....) and that we would both just get stuck never wanting to move on.

OP posts:

gingercatsarebest · 10/01/2021 07:34

I live in DH's world too. even when I wanted to move to be closer to family due to illness he wouldn't. well he said he would but then went into a sulk about it. I feel like this place is draining the life from me slowly. If I didn't have a DD who is settled at a good school I would go. I will once she is 18. he can either come with me or not. so I urge you to go for it. Don't waste your life living someone else's.

Original poster

LardeeLar · 10/01/2021 07:51

@gingercatsarebest
That's so unfair You read about situations like this (living in a DP's world) all the time. It definitely seems like very often it's the woman doing the slotting. I just don't understand how it's possible to be quite that rigid...!

OP posts:

Eckhart · 10/01/2021 07:55

Your sister prioritises the order she thinks you should be doing things in above your happiness. Why would you take any notice?

Dozer · 10/01/2021 08:00

If you’ll be renting and agree on a location it sounds good.

Disagree with your sister’s comments: presumably she has a traditional/conservative view of what ‘moving forward’ means. Living with a man who’s unwilling to compromise / prioritises himself over you isn’t ‘moving forward’ anyway, is it!

Sounds like you might want out of the relationship, particularly you’re planning a move at a time when no one can do v much, rural or in cities! Which is fair enough.

Unrealistic to ‘make yourselves scarce’ when people you’re dating visit, if by that you mean go away or keep to your room! It’d be your home and that’d get annoying, especially if one of you had someone over much more than the other. Better just accept that a downside of living with a friend would be less privacy.

Another option, if you can afford it, would be living alone.

SwanShaped · 10/01/2021 08:02

Holy shit, an adult woman living a fun life and moving in with a friend!!! That’d be so reckless.

Go for it. Your sister sounds like she has quite old fashioned ideas of what ‘progression’ in life means.

gingercatsarebest · 10/01/2021 08:03

@LardeeLar I was a fool, just slotting in. but there you go. before I got married I lived in a flat share with my best friend. it was brilliant. I don't know why I got married and moved ..but that's hindsight talking.

Skipsurvey · 10/01/2021 08:03

you could also live near your friend op? set out on your own?

Skipsurvey · 10/01/2021 08:05

other than that, go for it, it doesnt have to be long term, put a limit on it op. before you branch out on our own if that suits your better.

movingonup20 · 10/01/2021 08:07

It may be the perfect arrangement, you won't know unless you try.

My friend and I have joked about doing this, perhaps when we retire if no men on the scene by then

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2021 08:12

Go for it.

The only thing I’d question is the whole “making ourselves scarce”. Where would you go? And what happens if both of you want to have a partner over at the same time? What about if one of you is single? In reality it’s not that easy to make yourself scarce and can be a bit of a ball ache to have to vacate, say every weekend.

Grobagsforever · 10/01/2021 08:13

Sounds amazing, I'd love to live with my best friend.

Can you afford a 3 or 4 bed so you each get a sitting room from privacy/space?

AmieeCraig · 10/01/2021 08:16

I'd do it on a trial basis. At least that way you have an out if it isn't 'absolutely brilliant'.

MilkMoon · 10/01/2021 08:20

@SwanShaped

Holy shit, an adult woman living a fun life and moving in with a friend!!! That’d be so reckless.

Go for it. Your sister sounds like she has quite old fashioned ideas of what ‘progression’ in life means.

This. But I agree with whoever suggested you don’t host your boyfriends at your shared place — keep it for both of you.

You’ve posted about your situation before, haven’t you, OP? I must say that in your shoes I would leave him, as I think his ‘love’ for you is irrelevant if he won’t compromise anything for you.

Basecamp65 · 10/01/2021 08:21

Does it matter if its weird????

Do what you want - you are an adult.

ReinventingTheSpiel · 10/01/2021 08:28

Life is too short OP bloody go for it girl! It does sound like it could be tough with your partner but if you've had multiple conversations and he's not willing to make any changes - are you supposed to live the rest of your life unhappy?

I do like a PP suggestion of getting a larger place so you each have a sitting room as well as a bedroom if you can afford it. Then you can either hang out with each other or have your own space

bibbidybobbidyboo · 10/01/2021 08:35

The "what do you do when partners come over" dilemma is just part and parcel of living in a house/flat share. It's not a big deal - it's actually a way of life whole generation of single people living in expensive cities where they can't afford to rent somewhere on their own.

Op, as someone who has flat shared for many years (both while single and while having a boyfriend who did not live in the flat) these are my tips for navigating it:

communicate up front with your friend about expectations for partners - how many sleepovers a week is too many? How will you ensure you still have time for each other as flatmates? At what point do overnight guests become members of the household who should pay bills (seriously, the bills + visiting boyfriend/girlfriend issue has come up at some point in every house share I've ever heard of. Don't assume it won't happen to you - be upfront from the get go)

try not to hog the common areas (i.e. snogging on the sofa while watching a movie so your friend feels excluded)

if possible, try and spend equal amounts of time as a couple at your partner's flat as you do at your own. That means that your flatmate also gets the place to herself sometimes

whether or not you feel the need to warn her every single time you bring him over depends on how much his presence will affect her: e.g. if he's coming back to yours late after a night out and the two of you will be leaving early in the morning, no need. You probably won't even cross paths. If you're inviting him over for an extravagant five course meal at the dining table then it's polite to talk to her about it first.

keep the communication lines open so that you can talk to each other if you feel like either of you have their partners around too much. Make sure you separate the conversation from being about the partner themselves - "I feel like we don't have quality time as housemates" or "this set up isn't working for me" is NOT the same as "I don't like your partner" - it's perfectly possible to like someone's partner but not want them around all the time. After all, you sign up to live with your housemate, not their boyfriend.

BertieBotts · 10/01/2021 08:41

My sister knows us both well and says she thinks it would work TOO WELL (.....) and that we would both just get stuck never wanting to move on.

I don't understand why this would be a problem! If you're happy, you're happy. Is she very invested in the idea that you "should" aspire to marriage and children with a man?

Veterinari · 10/01/2021 08:42

Go for it. You have to live your life in a way that works for you.

Give your partner plenty of reassurance but emphasise that you have tried living his way and it isn't working.

The issue here is his resistance to change and reluctance to compromise to make you happy. He needs to make an effort

NoNarniaBecauseLipstick · 10/01/2021 08:51

It sounds like a great idea. The older I get, the more I feel nostalgic for my twenties lifestyle: sharing with friends, city life, boyfriend on a non-live-in basis... independence.

Go for it.

DolphinDreams · 10/01/2021 09:02

No one was designed to live with a washing machine and a bookcase. Why on earth wouldn't you you choose human companionship? Especially with someone you know and value. There may be difficulties in sharing a flat but there would be greater ones in living alone. Go for it!

MumOfPsuedoAdult · 10/01/2021 09:03

@Eckhart

Your sister prioritises the order she thinks you should be doing things in above your happiness. Why would you take any notice?

This.

It sounds to me like your sister is more worried about what people might think, than what's best for you. My oldest friend and I have already agreed that if we're both alone in old age we'll definitely move in together.

itsgettingweird · 10/01/2021 09:11

A partnership is about both people meeting in the middle.

That's not what you have.

But you do have an opportunity to do something you seem very clear will make you happy.

So what's stopping you?!

user1471538283 · 10/01/2021 09:15

I think it sounds perfect! It may not be long term or it may be. I don't understand how it is moving backwards. You will both have company and a lovely home. I wish for the day I can live next door to my friends!

notsosmoothie · 10/01/2021 10:46

@DolphinDreams

No one was DESIGNED to fly through the air at high speeds in a metal box with a hundred strangers, but it works pretty great.

Nice try at being supportive here, but plenty of people live alone and love it.

My partner and I lived together for 3 years and then I moved out and got my own place. Our relationship is stronger and more fulfilling than ever and I LOVE living alone. No difficulties whatsoever, which is a far cry from every houseshare I've ever lived in, including the one with my best friend.

That said, OP, I'll add my voice to the crew of people saying go for it. Be prepared for big changes in both relationships, but life's too short for saying no to things that intrigue you.

BlueSussex · 10/01/2021 10:49

You should definitely do it and don't let DP, or anyone else, talk you out of it.

If it doesn't work out, then so what? You can change and try another way of living.

I live alone at the moment and bloody love it, but I know it wouldn't suit everyone.

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