Lottery Win. AIBU.

[NotMyCircusNotMyProblem]

*Lighthearted... kinda...
OH has just purchased a new TV. He didn't tell me and we didn't need a new TV. I don't really watch much tv though so obviously, it wouldn't be a priority buy for me but, thinking back, he had been hinting at this purchase for a while.

Anyway, I decided to (in a lighthearted way) question him on why he made this purchase 'behind my back' and where exactly did he get the money from. He was playing along and said he was using his birthday and Christmas money but, then it transpired that he'd had not one but TWO lottery wins (not huge wins - £110 and £140) and he was also using that.

This irritated me, we do the lottery together so the winnings belong to both of us. I pointed this out to him but what annoyed me most was that he didn't tell me. I would have told him, I wouldn't have kept it secret.

He did eventually apologise but... the damage is done. Can I ever trust him again??

So, what to do. Do I graciously accept the apology and get on with life. The tv has a cracking picture quality btw
OR, do I cut my losses now and ltb?

@NotMyCircusNotMyProblem

We're married. Been married 30 years and we're both in our 50s. We have a joint account and lotto money is from joint account so the winnings are 'ours'.

It's not the money (we're not rich but we are comfortable), it's not even the tv, it's the fact he didn't tell me we had won the lottery, twice.

I have explained why I'm upset and he has apologised and is remorseful and of course has told me to spend/buy whatever I want to make it right... but that still isn't the point, is it?

No. I think he was very sly.

And if you hadn't questioned it he wouldn't have told you.

Not nice.

DH and I have a joint account. “We” play the lottery occasionally - it’s on my phone, I buy a ticket on a whim, he has little interest apart from occasionally saying we should get one if it’s a rollover.

We have previously had wins over £100 and I haven’t bothered to mention it to him, other than perhaps in passing, just leaving the money in the account against future ticket purchases.

I can envisage a scenario where, if if I had been challenged about a purchase that I hadn’t really thought through, saying that I would put my birthday money towards it but also that we’d had a lottery win so had more disposable money that we’d thought. But I still think it’s a stretch. It’s a bit different though because all our money is joint.

@YoniAndGuy

but that still isn't the point, is it?

Very, very much not the point.

Is he generally a bit of an untrustworthy person, no morals? Has he stolen 'passively' before... eg would he hand in a wallet he found, for example?

Eye-opener for sure. :(

Nope, he's trustworthy and has morals. Has worked hard all our married life - we Both have.

We are both very relaxed about money and the general rule of thumb is spend and buy whatever you want but if the amount is above £300, mention/discuss it first.

It's true, I wasn't bothered about a new tv but he told me he was using his Xmas and birthday money to help purchase it (along with money out of the joint account)- fine... it's just the lottery win that irritated me.

It's true, I wasn't bothered about a new tv but he told me he was using his Xmas and birthday money to help purchase it (along with money out of the joint account)- fine... it's just the lottery win that irritated me

This makes no sense- if its no big deal then why did he lie about it?
You dont lie about stuff its its no big deal do you?

The fact you even posted this in a light hearted manner indicates to me that it bothers you more than you claim.

@NotMyCircusNotMyProblem If I wasn't married to a man and had no children with him, this would be a dealbreaker for me. And nope it's not 'lighthearted.' He is a selfish twat for doing this.

I have a friend who applied for married mans tax allowance for her DH soon after they got married. (mid 1990s.) The idea of it was to help the family. (Not sure what the equivalent is now.)

Anyway, it came through, a tenner a week - probably £35 a week in today's money, and he got £110 backdated as the claim took 11 weeks. (£400-ish in todays money.)

He kept the money to himself, every penny. 'Married MAN'S tax allowance' he bleated. MARRIED MAN'S - not married WOMAN'S.

My friend was so disgusted by his shitty attitude that the marriage just went downhill from there. She didn't want to risk having children with him, and putting herself in the vulnerable position of being trapped in a marriage to a man who was so selfish and mean.

She said he was a bit tight sometimes, and definitely never wanted to pool finances, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back, and she wished she had never married him.

They split the following year.

As I say, what happened with the OP would be a dealbreaker for me, as would what happened to my friend. People are entitled to different views, but IMO, this 'my money is mine and your money is yours' and refusing to ever pool finances, does not bode well for a good relationship or marriage long-term...

@BargainCunt

Seriously? Someone wins a couple of hundred pounds on the lottery and HAS to tell the partner and HAS to refrain from spending it. Sounds like financial abuse to me.....

Fucking controlling or what.

Are you actually 'fucking' kidding me right now?

As has been said, the OP and her other half do the lottery together, and the selfish, sneaky twat has kept the winnings to himself.

Makes you wonder what else he is keeping from her, and what else he tells lies about.

I pity anyone who thinks the OP's partner's behaviour is OK. Life can't be easy for you. And you have clearly been conditioned and manipulated to think it's OK to be walked on.

And it's shocking that a man who has been married to his wife for THIRTY YEARS, thinks it's OK to do this. That would be it for me. Fuck him.

Not mentioning a lottery win to your life partner is a shitty thing to do. I mean why not? There must be something wrong in your relationship if you feel you have to do this. Either you have a lack of trust, OR you are really selfish.

Exactly. Back story here. Can see it so obviously.

Someone wins a couple of hundred pounds on the lottery and HAS to tell the partner and HAS to refrain from spending it. Sounds like financial abuse to me.....

FFS

buy one of those fake stick on smashed screens and pretend you've smashed it out of spite...

@Guineapig99

There was a bloke who won a mill or two and kept it from his wife and divorced her... she found out afterwards and he had to give her half as they'd been married at time of winning... You worried he might do that?????

It depends on the circumstances. There was a guy who tried to get half his wife's lottery win in a divorce case - but the Judge said it didn't count towards matrimonial assets, so she kept it. www.richardnelsonllp.co.uk/lottery-winnings-and-divorce/#:~:text=Although%20it%20has%20no%20legal,to%20half%20of%20the%20winnings.&text=In%20doing%20so%2C%20she%20converted,matrimonial%20asset%20into%20matrimonial%20property.

@giao

If you really do the lottery jointly then he's stolen from you. The amount is irrelevant, nothing light hearted about it.

Quite right too.

Police, NOW, OP! He’s pure evil, and financially abusive. Get yourself a free half hour with a solicitor, get your ducks in a row, photocopy ALL of your documents, start squirrelling money into a separate account, and go through his phone, laptop and sock drawer to find out exactly what else he’s lied to you about.

No messing about. He’s clearly a narcissistic sociopath.

Out of interest I just went through our previous wins with my DH to see if I should have told him. He says he wasn’t at all bothered unless it was a big amount of money - i.e. a few thousand.

He doesnt sound very nice OP.

You did a joint lottery, won, he didnt tell you - but bought what he wanted out of it and then lied about it to your face.

He sounds like a catch! 😳

Don't underestimate the damage op... When my df won big some years ago (football pools not lotto) his dw had placed the ticket on - with jsa not either person's wage - she declared it her money and it took 2 years for her to agree to share it...
Can't imagine what their relationship was /is like. Been nc since soon after the win.

YANBU to be annoyed or even angry - it’s deceitful. If he doesn’t have form for such things though I’d let it slide - you’ve been married 30 years and presumably know your own husband well enough

Hide the remote

OP have you asked him why he was deceitful and lied to you ?

@TomatoesAreFruit

I think YABU. I think we all need the autonomy sometimes to buy stuff without having to "ask permission" from the other partner.

With your partners money though? Don't think you read the full thing tbh....

It might seem like a small thing, but this type of deceit kinda proves how sneaky he can be. Why on earth wouldn't he tell you that he won that money? His actions were incredibly selfish

YANBU. Lottery was always a joint thing in our house, though TBH we haven't bothered since the first lockdown - anyone else the same?

BigBadVoodooHat If you did the lottery with a friend/family member, who secretly kept any winnings, would you consider that stealing?

I find his behaviour really weird. If you hadn't pushed him he'd never have told you, presumably.
I absolutely don't understand anyone who wouldn't instantly go "Yay - we won this week!". To actively hide not just one but two wins takes effort surely. Nothing accidental or uneventful about not sharing that.

Have you asked him if he would ever have told you if you hadn't asked?
And yes, I would say that you want your contact details on the lottery account and not his, because you've lost trust in him.

I'd be wondering if the win amounts were correct tbh. If DH matched 4 on the lottery (which I assume you have considering the amounts) then I'd be furious to not be told!
I'm sorry but I wouldn't feel a lighthearted post would be where my mind would be going. You DH has lied to you and taken cash that's half yours to buy something HE wanted.
A TV is a huge thing to us and is a purchase that absolutely must be discussed prior and especially as he used £125 of OP's money plus money from what I assume is also joint finances!

OP, stop contributing to the lottery and if you want, do your own.

I'd actually be very hurt at this (just seen your clarification that amounts over 300 would normally be discussed, as my only caveat would have been if you were both high earners and regularly spend a lot on yourselves without prior discussion).

It's the fact that he 1. Kept the win quiet 2. Decided what to spend it on without consultation and 3. Actually lied when you asked him about it, saying it was christmas money etc. The third point is the worst in my opinion, the lie shows he knew he was doing something shady and didn't really care until he got caught. Up til that point I could have thought maybe it slipped his mind or he didnt think it was a big deal or he would have been happy if youd done the same. But no, he wanted to keep your shared good fortune to himself and keep you in the dark about it for his own benefit. Sneaky

If a joint account and he really wanted it - then yes he probably should have told you - but if a joint account and you don't know the money going in or out - separate matter

If you have discussed this & told him your opinion - yes I would trust him again. & next time you have a win maybe for you to buy something.

This does not seem to be a deal breaker to me - more of a talking point .