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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lottery Win. AIBU.

104 replies

NotMyCircusNotMyProblem · 09/01/2021 12:18

*Lighthearted... kinda...
OH has just purchased a new TV. He didn't tell me and we didn't need a new TV. I don't really watch much tv though so obviously, it wouldn't be a priority buy for me but, thinking back, he had been hinting at this purchase for a while.

Anyway, I decided to (in a lighthearted way) question him on why he made this purchase 'behind my back' and where exactly did he get the money from. He was playing along and said he was using his birthday and Christmas money but, then it transpired that he'd had not one but TWO lottery wins (not huge wins - £110 and £140) and he was also using that.

This irritated me, we do the lottery together so the winnings belong to both of us. I pointed this out to him but what annoyed me most was that he didn't tell me. I would have told him, I wouldn't have kept it secret.

He did eventually apologise but... the damage is done. Can I ever trust him again??

So, what to do. Do I graciously accept the apology and get on with life. The tv has a cracking picture quality btw Wink
OR, do I cut my losses now and ltb?

OP posts:
BuntysTwinkle · 09/01/2021 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YoniAndGuy · 09/01/2021 13:32

He stole from you.

So you could look at it as, knowledge is power - and now you know he's dishonest.

Oh and by the way, it's worse, not better, that it's a relatively small amount. He crossed the boundary of stealing from you and lying to you for just a couple of hundred quid's sake. Think about that one.

Lockheart · 09/01/2021 13:32

@BuntysTwinkle

Seriously? Someone wins a couple of hundred pounds on the lottery and HAS to tell the partner and HAS to refrain from spending it. Sounds like financial abuse to me.....

Fucking controlling or what.

It's something they do jointly. So, yes. HAS to. Because it was half hers.

Is it? We don't actually know that. OP needs to clarify what she means by 'playing together'.
Uhhuhoyaye · 09/01/2021 13:33

On the face of it your DH is bang out of order, but it is impossible to know if you are being unreasonable without knowing the history of your relationship

If when you hint you want a new x,y, or z you always get a new x,y and z then you probably are being unreasonable

If you have chosen everything else (carpets, decor, curtains, soft furnishings, furniture, linen) in the house and your DH only want to choose the TV and you have blocked him, then you are probably being unreasonable

Penners99 · 09/01/2021 13:33

So HE cashed the cheque!

BargainCunt · 09/01/2021 13:35

So they may do the lottery together. £20 each per month or something. Then he may decide he wants to do the odd £10 here and these out of HIS money.

Or should anybody have their own money as well? And if not then why so?

Original poster
NotMyCircusNotMyProblem · 09/01/2021 13:35

We're married. Been married 30 years and we're both in our 50s. We have a joint account and lotto money is from joint account so the winnings are 'ours'.

It's not the money (we're not rich but we are comfortable), it's not even the tv, it's the fact he didn't tell me we had won the lottery, twice.

I have explained why I'm upset and he has apologised and is remorseful and of course has told me to spend/buy whatever I want to make it right... but that still isn't the point, is it?

OP posts:
Zaphodstowel · 09/01/2021 13:36

Well, I agree with the pp who says that adults need the autinimy to be able to buy things that will make them happy once in a while.
Sounds like he really really wanted this TV, but knew you would never ‘let’ him have it. So he jumped at this opportunity.
Of the two of you, who is the most controlling when it comes to the way finances are spent? Do you each have an allowance that you can save or spend as you like in the things that you want? I think that would be a good idea. Otherwise you are going to resent him spending on things that are not your priority, and likewise he will resent you. You each need autonomy and some money of your own to spend.

giao · 09/01/2021 13:37

If you really do the lottery jointly then he's stolen from you. The amount is irrelevant, nothing light hearted about it.

TillyTopper · 09/01/2021 13:37

I'd certainly expect him to tell you because you do it together. However, I wouldn't be doing it jointly any longer!

Lockheart · 09/01/2021 13:37

In that case OP you are definitely not being unreasonable!

Poppingnostopping · 09/01/2021 13:37

I find it weird because if I had won something I would be excited and immediately tell my husband! I think that's what's upsetting the OP, that her husband instead of rushing to tell her and then suggesting they treat themselves, he deliberately didn't mention it, purchased what he liked and only mentioned it when pressed.

Sounds like this is a closeness issue as well as him being a bit shady.

BargainCunt · 09/01/2021 13:38

@Zaphodstowel

Well, I agree with the pp who says that adults need the autinimy to be able to buy things that will make them happy once in a while. Sounds like he really really wanted this TV, but knew you would never ‘let’ him have it. So he jumped at this opportunity. Of the two of you, who is the most controlling when it comes to the way finances are spent? Do you each have an allowance that you can save or spend as you like in the things that you want? I think that would be a good idea. Otherwise you are going to resent him spending on things that are not your priority, and likewise he will resent you. You each need autonomy and some money of your own to spend.
Better put that me @Zaphodstowel

OP you may want to reflect on this because these are wise words.

Chamomileteaplease · 09/01/2021 13:38

I agree that you definitely need to get a notification if you win! How come it was only him who was told?

I hope he is extremely sorry. That is shitty behaviour.

Original poster
NotMyCircusNotMyProblem · 09/01/2021 13:40

@Poppingnostopping

I find it weird because if I had won something I would be excited and immediately tell my husband! I think that's what's upsetting the OP, that her husband instead of rushing to tell her and then suggesting they treat themselves, he deliberately didn't mention it, purchased what he liked and only mentioned it when pressed.

Sounds like this is a closeness issue as well as him being a bit shady.

Yes, this is exactly it!!
OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/01/2021 13:41

YANBU to be annoyed - he should have bloody well told you at the time that you'd both won, and shared the fecking money!

Stuff his tv - I'd ask for the cash.

I'm asking this because I genuinely don't know the answer - is there any way to check on how much you would have won? I'm not sure I'd believe him on the amounts either, since he failed to tell you about the wins - trust is gone!

YoniAndGuy · 09/01/2021 13:41

but that still isn't the point, is it?

Very, very much not the point.

Is he generally a bit of an untrustworthy person, no morals? Has he stolen 'passively' before... eg would he hand in a wallet he found, for example?

Eye-opener for sure. :(

giao · 09/01/2021 13:41

If my DH did that, my whole view of him would shift a fair bit.

Uhhuhoyaye · 09/01/2021 13:42

@NotMyCircusNotMyProblem

We're married. Been married 30 years and we're both in our 50s. We have a joint account and lotto money is from joint account so the winnings are 'ours'.

It's not the money (we're not rich but we are comfortable), it's not even the tv, it's the fact he didn't tell me we had won the lottery, twice.

I have explained why I'm upset and he has apologised and is remorseful and of course has told me to spend/buy whatever I want to make it right... but that still isn't the point, is it?

He's apologised and he's remorseful, of course it is the point. Unless you are the one who should be apologising.

If you're comfortable and he wanted a better TV why didn't you allow him to have one? Oh, because you didn't want one and what he wants don't matter. Why don't you take a leaf out of your husband's book and be remorseful and apologise.

Floomobal · 09/01/2021 13:43

I don’t think it should be lighthearted. It’s a complete betrayal of trust

lockeddownandcrazy · 09/01/2021 13:44

I'd be peeved, half is yours to treat yourself to something, or all of it should be saved for something joint. But you may as well just get over it and move on now. Next two wins are 100% yours - hope they are a million each!

Chel098 · 09/01/2021 13:49

Sorry to derail slightly.

I watched a programme about lottery winners and the people who come to your house when you win visited a man.

Man asked is this going to take long? Because my wife will be back from work soon.... the man never told his wife he won the lottery!

I imagine if you had of changed the amount of money OP MN would be up in arms over it!
Go steady!

rawlikesushi · 09/01/2021 13:49

Is it possible that the money was from another source that he didn't feel he could tell you about, online gambling or similar? I feel that he would have told you about a lottery win at the time.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 09/01/2021 13:50

I know you say this is lighthearted but I would be so pissed off that he unilaterally decided what to spend the money on

I agree, I dont think this is lighthearted or "funny" at all.
I think its controlling, selfish and nasty behaviour from someone who supposedly loves you.

I couldn't trust someone who did this. Its shitty behaviour.

LordOfTheOnionRings · 09/01/2021 13:50

LTB and marry the TV

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