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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DH's work for not agreeing he can have time off to come to the scan?????

46 replies

bloodsuckingLOONEY · 26/10/2007 19:59

Early stages on pregnancy and this week Dr told me to rest due to 'threatened miscarriage'. Last time I had this, we did loose the baby so I'm obviously paranoid. We went for a scan this morning and after getting myself all worked up for it, we were told that we have to come back next Friday for another scan. Dh told his team leader about the next scan and went to arrange half days leave to cover it (as we were 2 hrs at the hospital today and likely to be next time) and his team leader said 'x is off and y is off....we'll have to discuss it next week'. As he left tonight he said 'look, I MUST attend this scan' and she just said 'look, we'll discuss it next week'

I really NEED him with me....if it's bad news I just can't bear the thought of being on my own, getting in the car and driving myself back. I want my husband there for support and of course he wants to know if his baby is ok too.

AIBU to be fcuking furious?????

OP posts:
constancereader · 26/10/2007 20:01

YANBU. How awful to have such a dismissive attitude. Of course you need your dh there.

Hope everything goes ok

screamsprout · 26/10/2007 20:02

YANBU. Any chance he could just go off sick or would the poo hit the fan? Hope it goes well.

Original poster
bloodsuckingLOONEY · 26/10/2007 20:02

Thanks, I can't bear the thought of being on my own (I don't deal with this stuff too well on my own but I'm MUCH better if dh is there).

Now we have this hanging over our heads all weekend - wish he hadn't said anything and just done a sicky!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
bloodsuckingLOONEY · 26/10/2007 20:03

screamsprout - I just said the same but yeah, the POO WOULD hit the fan!! They are dead funny there and he'd be in BIG trouble if was sick now they know!!!

OP posts:
constancereader · 26/10/2007 20:04

They can't possibly stop him, surely? These things take priority over any kind of work. Am very cross on your behalf.

Original poster
bloodsuckingLOONEY · 26/10/2007 20:06

HE'S COMING no matter what but he may end up in trouble - sod it, he'll leave before not coming!!

Sorry, just venting as was FUMING!

OP posts:
coby · 26/10/2007 20:21

I thought there were laws to allow fathers time off for this sort of thing now, obviously I was wrong. The goverment talks about all the things they are going to do (extend maternity leave etc) then they don't do it for years - or at all .

Don't let it get to you, it's not worth it, just take him along anyway. They'd have a problem sacking him over it - esp if he is the member of a union.

offtobuttonmoon · 26/10/2007 20:21

Get him there! You do really need him. I was on my own for a scan, husband on a daft course, lost the baby just like u, next time he was there for all my scans, things turned out ok but really needed him there. His work were actually really cool, he had a polite chat with them. YARTB ff! Best wishes for next week.

Carbonel · 26/10/2007 20:27

YADNBU

This is absolute madness - I feel so sorry for you and your dh. FWIW not all employers are like this - can he find one more considerate and tell his current place where to stick their job

Can you name and shame his workplace?

If they are really difficult try talking to your GP - I bet they would sign him off for the day, or as long as necessary and that would not exactly help his work!

Hope all goes well for you next week

spookthief · 26/10/2007 20:29

Hopefully she's just being arsey and doesn't actually intend to tell him he can't go. If so, shame on her .

If it comes to it, it would probably be worth your dh going over his TL's head. This is a clear cut case for Compassionate Leave and any reasonable company will surely accommodate him.

pinkspottywellies · 26/10/2007 20:34

It horrible and very distressing isn't it. My dh's old boss was arsey about him having time off when the baby was born (ie if you're having holiday you have to book it now - yeah cos babies work to a timetable!) so he left! (There was more to it than that but it was the thing that pushed him!)

prufrock · 26/10/2007 20:41

I ahve to say when i read the title i was thinking you should think yourlsef lucky - my dh wouldn't have dreamt of taking time off to come to scans. But given your circumstances I think you are completely entitled to have your dh there - does she understand that this is more than just a routine scan?

3littlebats · 26/10/2007 20:47

I was also going to ask if the teamleader realised the whole situation, and doesn't just think it is a routine scan? On the one hand I realise it isn't really her business, but on the other, it might well make all the difference.

Having said that, when I in hospital having a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, my dh was not allowed to leave work to be with me.

We both work in the NHS, and believe me, some nurses can be amongst the worst people when it comes to supporting their colleagues.

talulasmum · 26/10/2007 20:50

ive had 4 children, dh never been to any of the scans not even the 20 week ones.

but in your situation its completely different. can your dh take unpaid leave?

fingers crossed that everything will be fine with baby. x x

Original poster
bloodsuckingLOONEY · 26/10/2007 21:00

coby - I know, me too! The company are cr*p as it is and this Team Leader has just been so insensitive! No union but you know what, he'd be better off without them even if they did end up getting rid (they are looking at making redundancies and we wouldn't put it past them to favour choosing him if he goes against them!)

offtobuttonmoon - thanks. Even without the threatened miscarriaged (again), I'd want him there for all scans now. It a nerve wracking time being pregnant after a MC - I didn't enjoy my pregnancy with ds - worried sick the whole time. And especially with the problems again this time, I really really DO NEED him there! Sorry you also had a loss, horrible isn't it

Carbonel - I'd LOVE to name and shame them but doubt anyone would have heard of them anyway - high pressured TIGHT mortgage company in Reading! Doubt GP note would make the slightest bit of difference but yeah, pretty sure our Dr would sign him off straight away if it helped!

spookthief - I'll tell him to do that if she doesn't budge! He's just really upset that they could be so insensitive - he said she clearly can't have kids!!! (dh isn't one to get upset by the way, wound up yes but not upset)

pinkspottywellies - OMG Standard stuff - they are entitled to paternity leave and how can you confirm when the baby is going to be born FFS! This is likely to push dh too far too - he's had loads of crap to deal with and this is the icing on the cake!

prufrock - she knows about the bleeding, pain, vanishing of symptoms etc, she knows EXACTLY what is going on!!! This is why we're so with her!

OP posts:
Original poster
bloodsuckingLOONEY · 26/10/2007 21:04

3littlebats - that is truly awful, how sad I just can't believe that, how can people who are supposed to CARE for people be so NOT caring!!!

talulasmum - thanks. He'd be happy to take as unpaid leave or make time up like he did today (went in at 7am yesterday and will again on Monday). It's not about the leave as he's entitled to it - she's saying that week isn't ok so unpaid leave wouldn't make a difference.

OP posts:
spookthief · 26/10/2007 21:07

My dh's employers tried to pull the same trick with paternity leave (Call Centre - they truly are the pits). They were totally trying it on though. As soon as dh said that having to give 28 days notice of intention to start PL was unreasonable his boss made a big deal of going to "speak to HR on your behalf" and lo, they "made an exception" .

themoon66 · 26/10/2007 21:09

Ah... i remember when DH said he would need to leave work when I rang to say I was in labour. His boss told him 'well as long as your Mrs isn't one of these hysterics who has false alarms'.

this was 21 years ago.... I hoped things had changed a lot since then.

foxystein · 26/10/2007 21:10

Is there an HR department he can take this up with? I've got a feeling there is something in the paternity laws (am trying to dig back through the cobwebs of my memory to my long-lost HR career) which entitles men to attend scans and appointments with their partners. (I might be wrong though).

Anyway, he should see her superior if she says no. Its not reasonable.

Good luck, hope the scan goes well.

LuckyUnderpants · 26/10/2007 21:11

maybe she is just on a power trip silly moo. Under the circumstances she should let him have the time off, im sure she will once she gets off her high horse

TerrorMater · 26/10/2007 21:15

The horrible secretary at one of my previous schools put a note in someone's pigeonhole when his wife phoned to say her waters had broken

callmeovercautious · 26/10/2007 21:17

Unfortunately he has no right to take the time off but they are being extremely unreasonable. Get him to document it all and if they do the discipline him/select him for redundancy on these grounds he will have some evidence to produce should it all end in a tribunal. I suspect if he talks to his department manager rather than the power crazed team leader he will get a better response.

Good luck with the scan, don't let this get to you!

Original poster
bloodsuckingLOONEY · 26/10/2007 21:30

spookthief - how nice of them!

themoon66 - Oh FFS!!!

foxystein - thanks, me too. And it sounds like he doesn't have rights according to callmeovercautious but still.....you'd think they'd be a bit more sensitive under the circumstances. Gosh, I hope she doesn't ever have to go through similar and be all on her own!!

LuckyUnderpants - could be but if so, it's a bit of a SICK power trip eh! Although....some women will do anything to have that 'control' won't they!

TerrorMater - what a cow!!

callmeovercautious - I didn't know that but he DOES have rights to take parental time off and should I have needed him to take ds to school for me to attend alone, I'm pretty sure they'd have to let him if we had no choice? Don't worry, I've calmed down and won't let it get to me any more - was just angry when he first told me!!

Right.....I'm off to bed as it's been a tiring week with lack of sleep etc. Need to try and catch up

Thanks for all your support - just wanted to make sure I was right to be really upset!

Looneytune xx

OP posts:
callmeovercautious · 26/10/2007 22:04

Ah! Did not realise you had another lo - Time of for dependents will be the way to go. Get him to call in and say he needs to care for lo. Nothing they can legally do except refuse to pay him those few hours! Problem solved! Get some sleep!

DaDaDa · 26/10/2007 22:23

YANBU. HR laws are changing in favour of Dads but attitudes will take longer to catch up.

Agree that he should go to HR and claim it as Time Off For Dependents if neccessary.