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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious with DH's work for not agreeing he can have time off to come to the scan?????

46 replies

bloodsuckingLOONEY · 26/10/2007 19:59

Early stages on pregnancy and this week Dr told me to rest due to 'threatened miscarriage'. Last time I had this, we did loose the baby so I'm obviously paranoid. We went for a scan this morning and after getting myself all worked up for it, we were told that we have to come back next Friday for another scan. Dh told his team leader about the next scan and went to arrange half days leave to cover it (as we were 2 hrs at the hospital today and likely to be next time) and his team leader said 'x is off and y is off....we'll have to discuss it next week'. As he left tonight he said 'look, I MUST attend this scan' and she just said 'look, we'll discuss it next week'

I really NEED him with me....if it's bad news I just can't bear the thought of being on my own, getting in the car and driving myself back. I want my husband there for support and of course he wants to know if his baby is ok too.

AIBU to be fcuking furious?????

OP posts:

ninedragons · 27/10/2007 02:28

YANBU. It really is the thicker types who worm their way into management who never understand that a little bit of flexibility buys a lot of loyalty in return. If there's no work to do, my husband sends his assistant home rather than making her sit around until 5pm because that's what's in her contract. She's so pleased about the arrangement that she'll be with him until she retires.

Absolutely aghast at the secretary who left the note in the pigeonhole. What a bitch.

Original poster

bloodsuckingLOONEY · 27/10/2007 12:02

Thanks again. Have calmed down a lot and dh will just talk to them again next week. Whatever happens, he'll be there and that's the main thing! Think we were both just totally shocked at her reaction after a very emotional day. Fingers crossed he doesn't get a hard time!

LT x

OP posts:

glaskham · 27/10/2007 12:20

wow- you have had a tough time of it from the woman who works over your dh!!!

i was very lucky with my first pregnancy, huby had only just started the job when i found out i was expecting, was in hospital for a long time with hyperemesis (24/7 sickness) and he was given free time out of his work to visit me in the daytime visiting hours and then let off early every night so he could see me in the evening too!!! then my back waters broke at 36weeks and he was allowed out of work and was with me at the hospital within 30mins!!! and at one point he was in scotland away with work, and i had a lot of bleeding i paniced and he was sent home to be with me, and for the last 3 weeks of the pregnancy i had to go in to be monitored because i'd lost waters.....hubby was allowed 2hrs out each day to come home and take me to the hospital!!!wasn't anything awful thank god but it was the worst pregnancy i think anyone could ever have!!! plus when he had his week paternity leave he didn't want to leave me so early so asked for taking a weeks hols at last min and was granted it no questions, he ended up doing the same when dd arrived too- i didn't realise until now just how lucky we were with his company!!!

hope your dh can make the scan without upsetting anyone!!!....fingers crossed all round for you xxx

Journey · 27/10/2007 12:56

Although your DH should of been told he could attend, his manager did say "we'll discuss it next week". I think he is likely to get it because it sounds that at the time all DH's manager could think about was the resourcing issues, not your DH's personal issue. Although her reply was insensitive she didn't say "no".

Your DH should try to speak to his manager in private since it is a personal issue. He should show an understanding of her resourcing issue so that it opens the door for negotiation, and explain why his time of is an exception. If he doesn't do this she can just say "no" and there is no room for discussion. (It is harder to keep the conversation going if someone says "no" at the start). I know he shouldn't have to do this but sometimes it is necessary in the workplace.

I have a feeling she may say "yes" next week without a discussion taking place. Sometimes managers just need time to think about things when they involve the soft skills of management.

I hope your DH is with you at the next scan. I would definately want my DH to be there if I was in your situation.

Carbonel · 27/10/2007 20:36

Sorry but I do not agree that " Sometimes managers just need time to think about things when they involve the soft skills of management. " If one of my staff told me they needed time off I would let them, and in this sort of situation I would already have given carte blanche to take whatever time is needed, just asking for as much notice as he is able to give.

This sort of behaviour is totally acceptable and no-one should fel the need to be making excuses for it!

Original poster

bloodsuckingLOONEY · 28/10/2007 08:39

glaskham - thanks, me too

Journey - sorry, I also don't agree with this. I used to be in management myself and it was part of my job to be compassionate in these situations. I once had a member of staff who was very down (long story but highly depressed due to his sister committing suicide a long time ago). We were very busy and needed staff however that didn't come into it...I told him to go home, get to the Dr's and try and get back on his AD's asap to help him through it - clearly wasn't ready to be off them. Then he called in one morning and another Team Leader answered the phone and made him feel like he had to come in. I soon sorted THAT out, I was furious. He was in MY team and I'D told him it was all ok, he didn't need someone being like that with him! Of course I had words with the 'other' person!!! So, as part of my job yes, I had to worry about cover etc. but things like this took priority every time!

Carbonel - thanks

OP posts:

islandofsodor · 28/10/2007 12:18

I think that there is a way around bim not beinf entitles to "parental" leave for this.

He can take the day off as emergency dependants leave to support his wife going for a scan. He would be just as entitled to take this leave to support an elderly parent etc who needed to go to hospiatal for an important test. It is unpaid, but legally he can not be stopped from taking it and there can be no retribution.

Original poster

bloodsuckingLOONEY · 28/10/2007 17:14

Thanks again. We'll see what she says tomorrow when he mentions it again. God, if I have to have another ERPC if the scan doesn't go well, he will HAVE to have time off to bring me home after as won't be able to drive - hope she's ok with that!!!

OP posts:

Journey · 28/10/2007 17:49

Of course he should get the time off work that's why I said in my first sentence "although your DH should of been told he could attend..."

However, bloodsuckinglooney's DH wasn't told "yes" straight away so then the situation is how to get the manager to say "yes".

Managers whose first concern is resource tend to be slow at responding to people management issues. I'm not for one minute saying this is right, however, all I was trying to do was tune into how these managers think. From past experience they tend to come round after they'e had time to think about it, or alternatively when you ask them to talk in private because what you're saying is "this is important, listen to me".

If you don't have a perfect manager you can't just say "well if you were a competent manager you would of said "yes".

Any way the important thing is I just hope blookdsuckinglooney DH get a "yes" from him manager.

motherinferior · 28/10/2007 17:55

I'm outraged. Actually I'm outraged by the idea that women should be expected to attend any scans unsupported. The whole point is to look for 'anomalies' - and by implication, some anomalies may be found

Original poster

bloodsuckingLOONEY · 28/10/2007 18:00

Journey - I know what you're saying, just her tone with dh was well off and really got to him! He then felt awful having to tell me what she'd said but reassured me he'd be going no matter what.

motherinferior - I totally agree that all women should be able to have their partners with them for the scans as you never know what news you may get

OP posts:

Original poster

bloodsuckingLOONEY · 30/10/2007 21:48

Oh get this......SHE (the Team Leader) was on annual leave today which is the same as dh being off (numbers wise) however it's obviously ok for her. Talk about setting an example!! (she just said as people were leaving last night 'I'm off tomorrow')

OP posts:

StaryNightSky · 30/10/2007 21:52

Sorry haven't posted on this tread. But I have been reading it.

How are you doing?

Hope you DH has had some positive news.

Original poster

bloodsuckingLOONEY · 30/10/2007 21:56

I'm getting through it, the waiting is torture though and each time I get more blood I am convinced that's it. Must snap out of it!!

As for dh, yesterday she never mentioned it and he was rushed off his feet so planned to speak to her today and then she was off Not only leaving the staff she wouldn't leave on Friday for very important scan.....half of the remaining team were booked on training this afternoon!! WTF!!!

Dh isn't even sure when she's back - some Team Leader!!

OP posts:

Original poster

bloodsuckingLOONEY · 30/10/2007 21:59

Anyway, off to bed now as got pain in my side and think I've been MNetting long enough tonight!!!

Thanks for letting me moan, just had to add that bit as was sooooo mad!!

Night x

OP posts:

looneytune · 03/11/2007 15:16

Update......

THURSDAY - dh gets told he's at risk of redundancy and may get notice in the next week or 2. Bloody good job he'd decided to go for the scan!!! (he's very likely to be one who's going!)

FRIDAY - had scan.....my little bean measured 9mm and had a little heartbeat so all ok - phew!! They couldn't explain the bleeding or pain, just said to come back if it gets worse but atm, all looks ok. I'm 7 weeks today

ElvinaFrizzell · 03/11/2007 15:52

Sorry haven't posted before but was following you're thread. I dreaded every scan with DS as all previous ones had been bad news(miscarriage and ectopic). Breathing huge sigh of relief for you, great news and so glad your DH was there. My DH has also just been made redundant...wishing you all the best if/when this does happen. Hope positive things can come from it as we are trying to see it.

ElvinaFrizzell · 03/11/2007 15:54

Of course meant 'your' not 'you're'

paulaplumpbottom · 03/11/2007 15:56

It sounds like his boss is the one with the problem.

constancereader · 03/11/2007 15:56

SO glad your scan went well, hope the job situation with your dh sorts itself out too!

looneytune · 04/11/2007 09:15

Thanks everyone

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