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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to my mums funeral

76 replies

Easy2please88 · 08/01/2021 16:16

I was adopted when I was a few weeks old and have had a wonderful upbringing, the best parents. It was a closed adoption so never met my birth parents. However I did make contact with my birth siblings and have remained friends but haven’t spoken in years. Birth parents never wanted contact so respected this. Have suddenly got a text from one of my siblings saying birth mother has died suddenly and I have been added to the funeral in central London for next week and have also been allocated spaces for my twin girls (12 months old). They also made a point of saying how these 3 spaces were hard to slot in as per the current Covid guidelines. Now here is where I’m stressed; I live 2 hours outside London, and my husband has a disease and is shielding. I am anxious about travelling there during Covid, but am clearly expected to attend as the text message made a point of it. My birth mum never wanted any contact (20+ years of my siblings asking her - they were adopted by her brother’s family) what do I do!!

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 08/01/2021 16:18

If you want to go, go.
If you want to take your children, take them.

If you do not want to go, for any reason at all, you do not have to, and you can say so to your siblings and say you are very grateful to have been asked but since you can't attend, they should offer the spaces to someone else.

OrigamiOwl · 08/01/2021 16:19

I think it depends what you actually want to do?
Do you want to go?
I wouldn't have thought taking year old twins would be a brilliant idea tho.

RedHelenB · 08/01/2021 16:20

As above.

Alexandernevermind · 08/01/2021 16:20

It's nice of your siblings to include you, I would acknowledge this but decline.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 08/01/2021 16:21

I don’t think you have any obligation to attend.

And I don’t think I would take two 1year olds to a funeral at any time, especially not now.

I think you have plenty of practical reasons to politely decline if that’s what you want.

Changethetoner · 08/01/2021 16:22

In your case, I would thank the siblings, but politely decline. You didn't know the deceased, and don't know the relatives either. It is not essential to go. Put yourself and your babies and husband first.

AlwaysCheddar · 08/01/2021 16:22

No obligation to attend! Explain why. Very understandable.

peak2021 · 08/01/2021 16:22

Your husband shielding is a reason for you to decline politely. In doing so, you could say that if there is any subsequent memorial or other event to remember your birth mother once Covid 19 vaccines have been rolled out, you would be pleased to attend.

I think it is very kind of your sibling to consider you and invite you.

MutantNinjaCovid · 08/01/2021 16:25

I would take I that with their mum gone they now want to open a new chapter with you part of their lives?

I would go.

MrsExpo · 08/01/2021 16:28

I see they've just declared London to be a Major Incident area now with the number of cases going off the scale. Given that, I simply would send a polite note saying you will not be attending and stay away.

Regardless of the family history, there's no way on earth I would travel to London just now, and especially not with 2 small children in tow and a husband at home who is shielding. It would be the height of recklessness.

billy1966 · 08/01/2021 16:29

You do exactly what suits you OP.

You reply with thanks for the invitation.

I wouldn't bring your twins under any circumstances.
They are far two young.

Your husband being vulnerable is a perfectly reasonable excuse not to go if you need one.

I'm sorry for your loss and for the complicated emotions that may emerge from her death.
Her loss not to have met you.Flowers

LemonBreeland · 08/01/2021 16:29

It seems strange to go to the funeral of someone who never wanted to meet you. Are your siblings doing this as a chance to see you and your DC?

I think you should politely decline.

RunningFromInsanity · 08/01/2021 16:29

Why on Earth would you take 1year old children to a complete strangers funeral?

SquirtleSquad · 08/01/2021 16:31

I personally wouldn't take the kids, I have twins and when they were 1 it would have been the biggest pain in the arse!

Whether or not you go depends on whether you actually want to?

Sexnotgender · 08/01/2021 16:32

You’re under absolutely no obligation to go. It is very kind of your siblings to make a space for you but don’t go if you don’t want to.
You must be very conflicted.

thesugarbumfairy · 08/01/2021 16:33

You don't go. You musn't go. There is literally NO REASON AT ALL for you to go. Its putting yourself and your family at risk for someone who did not want you at their funeral. Decline. Thank them very much, and that you appreciate the spaces offered, but you cannot come. You don't need to give a reason.

Indecisive12 · 08/01/2021 16:34

I wouldn’t go

littlepattilou · 08/01/2021 16:34

@Easy2please88 Oh no, do not go. I wouldn't go to London if you paid me, as they are a very high covid alert situation right now.

And the fact that your 'genetic' siblings haven't been in touch (for YEARS,) and your birth parents didn't want to know you, is even more reason to not go.

Also, you say your birth 'parents???' Not just birth mother. So you managed to contact them both? Were they together when they gave you up? And still together when your birth mother died?

Sorry you are having to deal with this, but tell your genetic siblings that you cannot attend. You don't have to, and I wouldn't.

TeachesOfPeaches · 08/01/2021 16:37

I would decline

Chloemol · 08/01/2021 16:37

I would not go. Your BM did not want contact, so why would you go?

PotteringAlong · 08/01/2021 16:40

I wouldn’t go either.

3ismylot · 08/01/2021 16:41

I think firstly, forget momentarily about the logistics and think about whether or not you would want to be there. If you had no relationship with her at her request I think anyone can understand why you wouldn't want to, however, this may be a good chance to get some closure on the matter too.
It is nice that your siblings want to include you and it may be that they want to move on their relationships with you now she is gone, however, they need to respect how you feel about it too.

I am adopted and have contact with both of my Birth parents and all my siblings now, however, sometimes my Birth Mum can overstep the mark with the expectations she unfairly places on me and I have to reassert my boundaries. Just remember that your siblings have no right to place guilt or pressure on you and this needs to be your own decision. It is also ok for you to decline because of Covid.

I know you had no contact with her but I am sorry for your loss and I hope you can make the decision that is right for you.

FippertyGibbett · 08/01/2021 16:41

I wouldn’t go personally.

Mischance · 08/01/2021 16:41

I would not go - she did not want to meet you when she was alive and you will essentially be going to a funeral of someone you never met and did not know. Add to that we are in the middle of a pandemic.

I would thank them for thinking of you, but use your OH as a good excuse for not going. If they are decent folk they will understand; and if they take the 'ump, then they are people you barely see anyway.

sleepyhead · 08/01/2021 16:42

I would think that this is your birth siblings wanting to show to you that, whatever your mother's views were, they see you very much as a member of their family with every right and expectation to attend the funeral if that was what you wanted to do.

I wouldn't expect them to be offended or suprised if you decline as even in the best of circumstances it would be a lot to ask for you to put aside the rejection you must have felt at her not wanting to have contact with you in life to attend her funeral.

If you don't want to go (for whatever reason, be that practical, emotional or a combination) then absolutely do not go and do not feel any obligation.