To go to my mums funeral

[Easy2please88]

I was adopted when I was a few weeks old and have had a wonderful upbringing, the best parents. It was a closed adoption so never met my birth parents. However I did make contact with my birth siblings and have remained friends but haven’t spoken in years. Birth parents never wanted contact so respected this. Have suddenly got a text from one of my siblings saying birth mother has died suddenly and I have been added to the funeral in central London for next week and have also been allocated spaces for my twin girls (12 months old). They also made a point of saying how these 3 spaces were hard to slot in as per the current Covid guidelines. Now here is where I’m stressed; I live 2 hours outside London, and my husband has a disease and is shielding. I am anxious about travelling there during Covid, but am clearly expected to attend as the text message made a point of it. My birth mum never wanted any contact (20+ years of my siblings asking her - they were adopted by her brother’s family) what do I do!!

I wouldn't go personally. But do exactly as @bridgetreilly says - spot on!

We are having close family only to my dad's funeral because we don't want to put anyone at unnecessary risk.

Most people will be watching via screen.

Could you ask to watch from home.

I was also adopted as a baby. I would not go to my birth parents funeral, even without lockdown /c19. We were not positive parts of each others lives. FWIW I would definitely not want them at my funeral.

My response to my sibling would be:

"I really appreciate you thinking of me and making a space, I hope we can see each other at some point this year. Because my husband is shielding and for personal reaaons, I won't be able to attend the funeral. Will be thinking of you on the day".

maybe tbey feel guilty for her not wanting to meet you but no i wouldnt go either

and especially not with two ine year olds

tell them you would love to meet up when we all can and will be thinking of them

I would not go. But it has to be your choice.

Going to London considering your responsibilities would not ease your relationship with that part of the family.
If you, or husband or children took ill after the funeral would make them feel guilty as well as you.
The 'healing' with the family will take place over time if you wish it. A grand gesture now will not do it.
A closed FB group for them and you only would show that you do
care.
Too many risks and against the advice.

In normal times I would say go if only to catch up with other family members. But I would not risk your health and your children if she refused to meet you in life.

You can say you're too afraid to travel with husband shielding but as soon as things change covid-wise, you want to meet up. Then ensure you make keep in touch regularly

Dont go, certainly dont take two babies with you. Not worth the risk.

Difficult situation but your proper family comes first. Do what is best for you, your kids and partner.

You owe your siblings and your biological mother nothing. I personally wouldn't go considering the circumstances in London right now - I dont even think I'd go in normal times considering what you've said, and definitely not with two babies.

Do what you want to do, your instinct will tell you. Don’t do it because it is expected of you. I think that a lot of adopted people put others before themselves and don’t think of how they feel, I think you need to put your wants and needs first x

@RunningFromInsanity

Why on Earth would you take 1year old children to a complete strangers funeral?

Or any funeral really.

You can make your own prayers without having to attend a funeral

“I really am so very very sorry for your loss. Organising a funeral must be so difficult anyway, let alone now with covid restrictions. I would usually be very grateful to be given a space so that I could support you at her funeral but I think I should respect her wishes not to have me involved in her life. Due to dh illness, I am having to limit the amount of time I spend outside the house and this is simply too much of a risk to be sensible. I would, however, love to see you when restrictions lift and have lunch and catch up?”

but am clearly expected to attend as the text message made a point of it.

No. That's where they overstepped, and as a result you absolutely do not acknowledge that pressure or bow to it.

They have no rights at all to demand anything. They also have no real basis - you've not been in touch for years? Why would they be offended, and if they were, why on earth would you care more about that than the health of your family?

Politely decline and decide to see it as coming from a good place - or, a stressful place- they clearly wished that your birth parents had felt differently.

But that doesn't change the fact that you never met this woman and haven't seen her other birth daughters for years. So if you get a snotty reply to your very polite and sympathetic refusal, then just completely ignore them.

If it’s a case of not offending or being worried about that then you can simply say thank you so much for thinking of me but I am unable to as I do not want to put my DH at risk as he has a serious underlying condition.

I would say that I would very much like to see them in the future when the pandemic has passed. Which leaves it open for you but doesn’t commit you to anything specific

@MutantNinjaCovid

I would take I that with their mum gone they now want to open a new chapter with you part of their lives?

I would go.

That is a very wise post.

Funeral are for those left behind.

Your reasons to decline are valid. But it's worth being aware that what is happening is that the siblings are inviting you into their lives.

Very emotional time for them. A polite no thank you is fine, but would you be interested in meeting up with them post funeral? Perhaps worth considering.

I think their kindness to include you is a lovely possibility for the future, but your family and husband's health come first at this time.

There are lovely suggestions for texts to send.
Once you are polite, appreciative and warm in your response, I would hope they would understand.

she did nothing for you and was a stranger. you would be putting your husband in danger, taking 2 babies out into the cold and risking people touching / breathing over them and the situation clearly gives you anxiety. i would politely decline and spend the day taking care of yourself

sorry just seen you wouldnt take your girls. i would just say thank you for thinking of you but you have obligations at home and a shielding husband. however you hope the day goes well and would love to meet up soon (covid permitting) to hear how it went

What did you do op?

I would politely decline. You’ve kept your husband safe this far and that’s the priority right now.

I wouldn’t take 1 year olds in normal circumstances.

I wouldn’t go if it was me, but if you make the choice be prepared for that your siblings may not want anything further to do with you.

but am clearly expected to attend as the text message made a point of it

I wouldn’t go and would tread very carefully in building any kind of relationship with people who a. You haven’t spoken to in years, and
b. Put you under any pressure to attend the funeral of a birth mother who wanted no contact with you.

Bad enough in normal times, but no reasonable people would be pressuring you plus two toddlers to attend a funeral during a pandemic.

I wouldn't feel obliged to attend. She never felt obliged to even meet you.

If you want to go, go,but don't go just because your siblings expect you to. You don't owe that woman anything.