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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to my mums funeral

76 replies

Easy2please88 · 08/01/2021 16:16

I was adopted when I was a few weeks old and have had a wonderful upbringing, the best parents. It was a closed adoption so never met my birth parents. However I did make contact with my birth siblings and have remained friends but haven’t spoken in years. Birth parents never wanted contact so respected this. Have suddenly got a text from one of my siblings saying birth mother has died suddenly and I have been added to the funeral in central London for next week and have also been allocated spaces for my twin girls (12 months old). They also made a point of saying how these 3 spaces were hard to slot in as per the current Covid guidelines. Now here is where I’m stressed; I live 2 hours outside London, and my husband has a disease and is shielding. I am anxious about travelling there during Covid, but am clearly expected to attend as the text message made a point of it. My birth mum never wanted any contact (20+ years of my siblings asking her - they were adopted by her brother’s family) what do I do!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Easy2please88 · 08/01/2021 16:42

They were together when they had me, they both were very very mentally unwell and since then both have been in and out of mental hospitals for over 20 years. They are no longer together. She didn’t want to see me, I do not know why, wether it be her mental disorder or not. I would never think of bringing the twins

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/01/2021 16:42

You need to protect yourself and you need to protect your husband. I would decline but say that you would love to meet them again when things are better.

thisismyusername21 · 08/01/2021 16:43

Go if you want to of course but I wouldn’t feel you had to. You never met her. I’ve never met my father and I’m not sure I’d want to go to the funeral of a man I’d never met before

Maybe thank you siblings for thinking of your but politely decline. Inform that with covid and a shielding husband you think it’s best not to attend.

I just don’t feel there’s a reason for you to go. You cannot grieve someone you never met but the choice is yours of course 🌸

TimeToCloseTheDoor · 08/01/2021 16:44

I would politely decline

SquirtleSquad · 08/01/2021 16:45

Having seen the news now I would absolutely not travel to London regardless of having a shielded at home

MutantNinjaCovid · 08/01/2021 16:45

My friend found out she had an older brother who was adopted. He got in touch, her mother refused to see him. My friend kept in touch and didn't tell her mother who. Now her mother is dead and she is very close to her brother. Oddly she was a full biological sibling and only 12 months younger from a professional family, they have no idea why he was adopted as her mother didn't want to discuss it and they respected that.

Maybe they were respecting their mothers wishes but now feel that they can make links without upsetting her.

Original poster
Easy2please88 · 08/01/2021 16:45

I feel very conflicted. I care about my siblings a lot and they have said they really would like me to go. I care more about my twins and husband and will probably decline the invitation. Ah fuck sake I don’t know how I’ll word this one without offending them!

OP posts:
gassylady · 08/01/2021 16:45

What a difficult situation. I think I would thank them for the thought but decline as your husband is high risk. Might a live stream or a recording be an option if you did want to take part.

MaggieFS · 08/01/2021 16:49

Along the lines of "Thank you very much for including my DC and I. I would deeply love to be there, however as my DH is shielding it isn't possible for me to attend. I hope it isn't long before I am able to see you as I would very much like to. I will be thinking of you on the day"

pawsies · 08/01/2021 16:49

Can you watch it at home? Get a link so you feel like you were there too? Then your twins can see it if you decide you want them to?

That's the only reasonable compromise I can think of. Maybe have a zoom call for the wake so you can be there for your siblings too?

Newgirls · 08/01/2021 16:50

There may well be a zoom option so offer to join that? No big pressure then.

OhCaptain · 08/01/2021 16:51

I wouldn’t risk my husband’s health for a woman who was a stranger and didn’t care about me.

Your siblings seem a bit insensitive to your position. I’m sure they don’t mean anything by it.

But no. I wouldn’t go.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/01/2021 16:58

Go if you want to. It may be that you go because its what your siblings want, that they want the support of you being there. I'd be less inclined to take your children though, that just adds to the risk.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 08/01/2021 16:58

Just tell them that you don't feel comfortable in the current climate travelling to London. I know a lot of funeral services are being streamed on zoom, you could always say that you'll virtually 'attend'? And send some flowers...?

EloraaDanan · 08/01/2021 16:58

@Easy2please88

I feel very conflicted. I care about my siblings a lot and they have said they really would like me to go. I care more about my twins and husband and will probably decline the invitation. Ah fuck sake I don’t know how I’ll word this one without offending them!
“Dear Siblings, I’m so sorry to hear the sad news. Thankyou for thinking of me and including Twins and I in the funeral arrangements. Under ordinary circumstances of course I would be there as I would love to see you all and be there to support you however, with the COVID situation and DH shielding, I am afraid I cannot find a way to safely be with you all. I hope you will understand what a predicament this for me and please do let me know where I can send flowers/donations to. Please also contact me anytime you feel you need to and I hope that we can meet when it is safer to do so. Lots of love,..”

You’d be doing the right thing by not going as hard as it is Flowers

Winter2020 · 08/01/2021 17:00

Quote: MaggieFS
Along the lines of "Thank you very much for including my DC and I. I would deeply love to be there, however as my DH is shielding it isn't possible for me to attend. I hope it isn't long before I am able to see you as I would very much like to. I will be thinking of you on the day"

This sounds perfect to me. Even if you are not sure you would want to go without Covid. Very straightforward. But no I would not travel to London now for any reason. Sadly the opportunity to meet your bio mum has gone and hopefully you can meet your siblings at a later date. You can phone or skype them. Some funerals offer online stream if you would want that,. Don’t put yourself or your family at risk. London hospitals are on their knees from the sounds of it. Every extra road traffic accident adds to their troubles. Every extra Covid case could require treatment. Stay home.

Butterymuffin · 08/01/2021 17:10

What Elora and Maggie said above. It wouldn't be everyone's choice to take two very young kids to a funeral even in normal times and these are far from normal times. You'd be putting your actual family at risk for this potential / lost family.

picklemewalnuts · 08/01/2021 17:21

They are being very careful to include you, recognising your connection even if it wasn't acknowledged while she was alive. She may even have secretly wanted it.

However it isn't something you can do/manage, and that is fine.

Reply quickly, thanking them for the spaces they have saved for you, so they can give them to someone else. That may be why they've stressed the spaces, so you definitely let them know and allow them to plan.

2pinkginsplease · 08/01/2021 17:24

You need to do what is right for you.

Personally if she wanted nothing to do with me , then I wouldn’t go to go to the funeral. She’s a stranger.

Notverygrownup · 08/01/2021 17:33

That message is fine, including perhaps a mention that you hope that your seats can now go to someone else close to them all.

You might ask whether the funeral will be livestreamed. Many are at the moment, so that you can view alongside the family.

Carysmatthews · 08/01/2021 17:36

Personally I wouldn’t go. I don’t understand why they asked you when she didn’t want to know when you were alive and it’s highly likely that she wouldn’t want you there either, given her attitude towards meeting you.

I also wouldn’t expose my children and husband to other people unnecessarily.

I know things can be very complex in these situations. Her not wanting to know you is entirely her loss. I’m so glad for you that you have a lovely adopted family. It takes more than giving birth to be a mother.

Ugzbugz · 08/01/2021 17:36

I would decline, she didnt want to see you alive so why see her now shes passed. I hate the mentality around someone dying and then everything is forgiven and no way would I take babies either.

Its probably to risky for your husband to.

LazyDaisy22 · 08/01/2021 17:45

I wouldn’t go Op, even without Covid. But the decision is yours. Do what’s best for you and your family

WeAreShiningStars · 08/01/2021 17:47

I would decline.

sneakysnoopysniper · 08/01/2021 17:48

I would respectfully thank them for their invitation but explain your circumstances and politely decline. The suggestion to meet up post covid for a reception or memorial is an excellent suggestion to renew family relationships.