To be sick of selfish family Zoom calls?

[Freewheelingoryx]

Just venting! I know there are more serious things to stress about. But is anyone else sick of family Zoom calls where you are make sure you ask after your brother's business, your sister's painful wrist, your nephew's exam, your nieces's on-line judo class, the cat, the cat's mother etc etc, and not one person asks you one single question about yourself in return? It's happened so often now that DH and I have started to joke about it.

* The thing that happens though is that quieter members of the family, including young and teen DC, get completely ignored. And not just once either.*

They will be counting down the seconds until the torture of the family zoom call is over. Seriously OP, asking them about their favourite sport or what’s going on at school etc... just torture for them. Send them a text

The fact that you haven’t grasped this already indicates that perhaps you are getting the wrong end of the stick with what family members want from these calls. Not to have questions fired at them and put on the spot. Instead just a short sharp check in and then off

@jimjamflimflam

"Maybe they do but I was under the impression that polite conversation followed a pattern of A asking a question, B replying and asking a question back, and that way it flows and no one dominates. Am I missing something here? Have the rules changed?

No thats an interview."

Absolutely isn't. OP has described a balanced interaction where both parties are actively expressing an interest in the other. An interview is a one sided interaction where only one party is actively expressing an interest in the other.

So wheres your question?

* Absolutely isn't. OP has described a balanced interaction where both parties are actively expressing an interest in the other. An interview is a one sided interaction where only one party is actively expressing an interest in the other.*

That would be a shit and poorly planned interview. Very old school.
Interviews should not be one sided

Indeed, the questions asked by those being interviewed are actually often a useful insight

@Sup1979

* Absolutely isn't. OP has described a balanced interaction where both parties are actively expressing an interest in the other. An interview is a one sided interaction where only one party is actively expressing an interest in the other.*

That would be a shit and poorly planned interview. Very old school.
Interviews should not be one sided

Indeed, the questions asked by those being interviewed are actually often a useful insight

Yup

The: question, answer and question, answer and question dynamic isnt a conversation. It implies theres zero discussion just the exchange of information.

Normally a conversation is going to be

Greeting
Greeting
Question
Statement
Statement
Statement

"Hey, did you see the new dfe announcement?"
"Yeah, its a disgrace. They should fire him"
"Definitely We need a vote of no confidence in him"

Etc

"Hi, how's the kids"
"They're good, how's yours"
"Theyre good too, what have you done this weekend"
"Oh I went to do my super outing and rare hobby of cycling!, what did you do"

Etc

Theres an immediate question after your answer is dismissing further dissxusion, its changing the subject.

I just get barked at by my sister and BIL who are very loud, and my parents trying to compete. I have given up now and just prefer to speak to them individually over the phone,

Is it possible the Zoom format just highlights a dynamic which is naturally there? Some people just prefer to talk about themselves anyway and this is highlighted by the slight delay which makes it harder to interject so it becomes more obvious that they never bother to ask about you. I hate Zoom calls for this reason and feel they are much better suited to a pub quiz type format (or even the agenda mentioned by a pp) so everyone naturally gets their turn. If you want a proper a chat it’s much easier to do it one to one over the phone.

I don't know a single person who does these zoom calls. Just pick up the phone and talk to the person directly. Or do people not do whatsapp groups anymore.

Seriously OP, asking them about their favourite sport or what’s going on at school etc... just torture for them. Send them a text

It's not like that though. Give me some credit. Me and others try and make sure that all the DC present get a mention rather than have one or two adults rambling on , speaking over them, talking exclusively about the exploits of their own DC and totally dominating proceedings. Because, you know, small DC like to be acknowledged generally rather than ignored. And it's always the same DC of the same quiet members of the family who are ignored which is unfair. And it's always the louder branch of the family who take up the majority of the time talking about themselves and their own DC and they never seem to show any interest in anyone else.

I might ask a specific question if it's a follow up from something a teen mentioned last time - maybe they were due to take part in a school debate or something - and then it's natural to say "how did it go?". I would hardly describe that as torture.

People are very literal on here. Just to be clear , I don't actually ask after the cat's mother.

Why wait to be asked? If you have news then tell them.

Just because they're not overtly asking you questions doesn't necessarily mean they're not interested or don't care about you.

They may just be feeling a little awkward if there's long pauses in the conversation.

Start to volunteer the info as well as engaging with them about how they are, and watch the conversation grow from there.

I find this with a particular group of friends. Of the five of us three of them can be very dominant and two of us barely speak. Sometimes when I try and ask someone something or something relevant to what the chatty one is talking about I can’t get a word in. I open my mouth and chatty 2 talks over me completely so no one hears, I try and wait for another very brief lull then try again and it happens again. I feel and must look like a baby bird.

Sinful8 that's interesting but as I mentioned before the reciprocal "how's yours?" is absent ! And of course there are interjections of statements such as "did you see what plonker Boris has done now?"

Lilliangish you've hit the nail on the head. I think Zoom definitely highlights an existing dynamic. Its so obvious whats happening repeatedly, I find it hard to comprehend how the main offenders can be so oblivious.

Thanks for the differing views on here anyway. We've got a call coming up at the weekend and I definitely wont be asking after others. It will be interesting to see what happens.

Why wait to be asked? If you have news then tell them.
Habit I guess - I was brought up not to talk about myself too much unless someone asked a direct question. I thought this was the same for most people but after the responses on here, obviously not.

@Freewheelingoryx

Seriously OP, asking them about their favourite sport or what’s going on at school etc... just torture for them. Send them a text

It's not like that though. Give me some credit. Me and others try and make sure that all the DC present get a mention rather than have one or two adults rambling on , speaking over them, talking exclusively about the exploits of their own DC and totally dominating proceedings. Because, you know, small DC like to be acknowledged generally rather than ignored. And it's always the same DC of the same quiet members of the family who are ignored which is unfair. And it's always the louder branch of the family who take up the majority of the time talking about themselves and their own DC and they never seem to show any interest in anyone else.

I might ask a specific question if it's a follow up from something a teen mentioned last time - maybe they were due to take part in a school debate or something - and then it's natural to say "how did it go?". I would hardly describe that as torture.

People are very literal on here. Just to be clear , I don't actually ask after the cat's mother.

These just sound awful. Far too large a gathering and too wide an age range for an a satisfying and enjoyable virtual call.

What are things like when you all get together in real life?

@Freewheelingoryx

Why wait to be asked? If you have news then tell them. Habit I guess - I was brought up not to talk about myself too much unless someone asked a direct question. I thought this was the same for most people but after the responses on here, obviously not.

You have mentioned how you were brought up multiple times!

Surely by the time you teach adulthood you adapt to the ebb and flow of how different people operate and communicate?

It's a new way of doing things that we haven't quite got used to or worked out an etiquette. In real life most people can pick up on at least some cues that let them know when its time to talk or when someone else is about to talk. Or else in a big diverse group you naturally break into smaller groups. I'm not sure how you could replace these things virtually.

@Randomrebel I feel like that often in groups - and more so as I’m getting older there just doesn’t seam to be a natural gap for me to speak and then the conversation moves on.

@Freewheelingoryx you sound like the thoughtful family member who would speak to and take an interest in the younger family members at a big group gathering and you would probably be drawn to others who would as after you and yours but a zoom platform doesn’t allow for that.

Honestly, OP, you keep talking about what you clearly consider the ‘nice manners’ you were brought up with, but surely you can see that you need to adapt situationally on a multi-family Zoom call where not everyone has internalised your code of conversational etiquette?

It makes no sense for you to be seething with resentment that others aren’t obeying your quite codified sense of ‘nice manners’ when in fact quite possibly from their POV, you are the one firmly and repeatedly putting the conversational ball back in their court over and over? They are not to know that your string of detailed questions about all aspects of their lives are a coded plea to be asked similar questions in return. (You clearly think they should know this, but they clearly don’t, so you behaving the same way isn’t going to bring new results.)

I think that if someone kept asking me in detail about things I had going on, I might assume they were carefully keeping me off the subject of their own life for some reason.

The old fashioned dinner table etiquette rules for chatting don’t work on a multi-person Zoom call where only one person can speak at any one time. In the dinner table scenario each person in the group would be chatting to a neighbour at the same time and would tailor the conversation to each of them - impossible on Zoom. If you are a stickler for etiquette then is there an update somewhere for this scenario (looking for a tongue-in-cheek emoji Or just continue to laugh about it - we used to do this after RL exchanges with BIL and his wife who only ever talk about themselves (and their “great friends” who we don’t know from Adam).

As in many AIBU, the “neggers” soon come along to make the OP wrong or to blame, without any rationale or evidence. Try to ignore them OP.

Better to play bingo, check your bank statements or something they can’t see you do, etc etc. Or you could do an experiment- keep your awareness high and just observe, say nothing for a few sessions and see if anyone notices. But I’d doubt anything would Change really. Possibly a problem with zoom also is that people can carry in talking at you as your physical picture assumes a listener. With a phone call they’d have to check in. That said I’ve had phone callers who don’t either.

Say you can’t do zoom anymore and they’ll need to call you on phone one to one?

As in many AIBU, the “neggers” soon come along to make the OP wrong or to blame, without any rationale or evidence. Try to ignore them OP.

The only evidence we have is what the OP has said, which is that she

(a) is applying traditional dinner-party conversational rules about individuals conversing with individual neighbours to a big, collective family Zoom call in which the technology means only one person can talk at once, where they simply don't translate

(b) is also applying very old-fashioned and highly gendered ideas of 'good manners' meaning she believes it is correct to talk little about yourself unless someone asks a direct question

(c) by her own internalised code of good manners, she is therefore doing her bit by asking about the other people's activities, and believing that she is inviting reciprocal questions, and is seething because they aren't operating off the same rule book.

It's hardly unreasonable to point out that not everyone has her internalised code of 'manners', and that if she wants to be less annoyed, she probably needs to alter her behaviour, because she can't alter theirs. Or have Zoom calls with fewer people at the same time.

It is certainly perfectly possible that never talking about her own stuff and her family's stuff is being interpreted by others on the call as that she wants them to talk if she keeps asking about them. I know some people at the moment are just saying 'Look, literally nothing has happened to us since we last spoke!' I'm certainly talking about books or music to friends rather than about my personal life.

"The: question, answer and question, answer and question dynamic isnt a conversation. It implies theres zero discussion just the exchange of information....

Theres an immediate question after your answer is dismissing further dissxusion, its changing the subject."

Of course it's a conversation - it's pretty much the very definition of a conversation and of course a question isn't dismissing further discussion, it's encouraging it. The questions asked should be on the same subject and they should be engaging (until the subject's been exhausted or one party becomes uninterested) and they therefore keep the same subject going, and indicate that one party is interested in hearing the other's opinions on it.

Personally, I ask questions because I've met almost nobody that finds them hard to respond to and research shows that people enjoy talking about themselves and having an interest shown by others. On the other hand, I find that the vast majority of people struggle to respond to a statement or exclamation (and what I find really interesting is that 90% of the minority who don't seem to struggle never end their turns with statements/exclamations themselves which to me suggests that they don't like it when others do it and are actually struggling despite doing a good job of hiding it). A question gives you a heads up that it will be your turn to talk soon whereas a statement puts you on the spot without warning and I think most people struggle to come up with a response, which is why asking questions is polite, unless you know the person very well and know they're comfortable without them. And why the majority (76% at the moment) have voted YANBU, despite it looking a lot more 50/50 in the discussion.

Asking questions back and forth is what I'd consider normal conversation rather than an obscure code of manners. No one wants to be monologued to for example.

As well as the “neggers” and passive aggressive trolls, forgot to add the deliberately obtuse and the pedants!! They always spoil aibu with their unfounded (often long boring rambling) and “gotcha” negativity towards the OP and anyone who disagrees with them. Haven’t they got a job or something better to do. Watching paint dry would be a step up.