To be sick of selfish family Zoom calls?

[Freewheelingoryx]

Just venting! I know there are more serious things to stress about. But is anyone else sick of family Zoom calls where you are make sure you ask after your brother's business, your sister's painful wrist, your nephew's exam, your nieces's on-line judo class, the cat, the cat's mother etc etc, and not one person asks you one single question about yourself in return? It's happened so often now that DH and I have started to joke about it.

Stop doing them then. We did one months ago with inlaws and on Christmas Day - my DH insists it's a virtue signalling pointless exercise on behalf of his sister- before lockdown we NEVER kept in touch every bloody Sunday anyway - it's all ridiculous and too much pressure.
Tell them you're too busy and involved in lockdown-life to be watching the clock for Zoom calls.

I really enjoy zoom calls, seeing and catching up with friends and family.
If there are lulls in the conversations and you want to talk about yourself than do it. If you use the opportunity to ask about them and their lives dont start moaning if they tell you..
They probably think you are a right nosy parker!!

Fuck yes. DH and I have no kids and all we hear about is the kids of the family, we get asked when we're having them and told all of our issues are irrelevant because we don't have kids to look after. All very lighthearted and we don't even think about it until the call has ended but I'm sick of them! We have 3 obligatory calls with M and FIL, B and SIL and S and BIL every week or so. I'm so bored I don't have the heart to cancel on them

Idea 1: Play bingo with your DH.
You each make a grid on which you put words and sayings typically said by your family members. Then just silently mark off your card as the conversation flows. Even better with prizes.

1. Each nominate 5 words which the other must try to get into the chat without anyone else noticing. Obviously extra points for more obscure words and phrases.

1. Same as the above but with titles or lyrics from songs.

All games even better with prizes.

Might as well get some joy from the Zoom calls.

Seasonfinale I haven't answered everyone on here in fact but that is an interesting observation and I agree I am a details person. But the way the Zoom calls go in RL is that when I initiate a question, the person who is answering tends to ramble on and I don't generally get another chance to speak again, never mind address every other person present.

. If you use the opportunity to ask about them and their lives dont start moaning if they tell you..
They probably think you are a right nosy parker!!

Maybe they do but I was under the impression that polite conversation followed a pattern of A asking a question, B replying and asking a question back, and that way it flows and no one dominates. Am I missing something here? Have the rules changed?

We'll definitely try bingo Scarby , it will definitely liven the calls up a bit.

We don't do family zoom calls. We chat on WhatsApp, text etc etc. I have enough Zoom at work!

@Freewheelingoryx

Seasonfinale I haven't answered everyone on here in fact but that is an interesting observation and I agree I am a details person. But the way the Zoom calls go in RL is that when I initiate a question, the person who is answering tends to ramble on and I don't generally get another chance to speak again, never mind address every other person present.

. If you use the opportunity to ask about them and their lives dont start moaning if they tell you..
They probably think you are a right nosy parker!!

Maybe they do but I was under the impression that polite conversation followed a pattern of A asking a question, B replying and asking a question back, and that way it flows and no one dominates. Am I missing something here? Have the rules changed?

We'll definitely try bingo Scarby , it will definitely liven the calls up a bit.

Maybe they do but I was under the impression that polite conversation followed a pattern of A asking a question, B replying and asking a question back, and that way it flows and no one dominates. Am I missing something here? Have the rules changed?

No thats an interview.

@LittleMissnotLittleMrs

Is *@Calmandmeasured1 = @Sinful8*?!

Nope I think we both just asked the most obvious queation

No thats an interview.

Really? Well this is obviously where I am going wrong. I am probably old-fashioned but I was taught at dinner parties for example to initiate conversation by speaking to people seated on both sides of me by asking light conversation- opener type questions, being aware not to dominate the conversation, keeping it light & friendly, listening carefully and being aware that no one is left out.

On a Zoom call this would translate to me making a light enquiry about how someone is, them saying something like ok thanks , we've done X this week and C passed her flute exam , how about you? Except in this instance the "how about you" never comes.

My mum always asks me so many questions when we chat, and then after a while she seems to get bored and very abruptly ends the call. She probably tells people that I never ask her about herself but my take away is that I was never given the chance!

People seem determined to believe that I am dominating the conversation and obviously I can't prove it but the reverse is true.

Maybe it's my op. When I said I asked after my nephew, my niece, the cat's mother, I was exaggerating to get my point across that we ask after people and they don't bother to ask back.

Maybe next time you zoom, just say hi and then sit back. See what they say. Don't ask them about themselves. Maybe they'll finally think to ask you how you are doing.

Yes will definitely be doing that Stopsquirting

@Freewheelingoryx

No thats an interview.

Really? Well this is obviously where I am going wrong. I am probably old-fashioned but I was taught at dinner parties for example to initiate conversation by speaking to people seated on both sides of me by asking light conversation- opener type questions, being aware not to dominate the conversation, keeping it light & friendly, listening carefully and being aware that no one is left out.

On a Zoom call this would translate to me making a light enquiry about how someone is, them saying something like ok thanks , we've done X this week and C passed her flute exam , how about you? Except in this instance the "how about you" never comes.

Yes that is how you have polite conversation with strangers you have no interest in knowing but equally cannot afford to offend, not family.

Conversations are often more strings of statements that question and answer sessions.

Maybe Zoom just isn't the best method of communication for your family. I don't Zoom with my family for similar reasons, but when I talk to them one-to-one on the phone I get a much better quality of communication with each of them and more engagement. It requires a bit more time and effot potentially but is worth it.

I find all this applies in real life as well though! Do you think it's Zoom specifically or is it just your family dynamics?

@Freewheelingoryx

People seem determined to believe that I am dominating the conversation and obviously I can't prove it but the reverse is true.

Maybe it's my op. When I said I asked after my nephew, my niece, the cat's mother, I was exaggerating to get my point across that we ask after people and they don't bother to ask back.

They may not be reciprocal questions though.

"How is dd getting on in school?" Has no "how about you response" unless you also have a child.

If you want them to ask make leading statements or long awkward pauses.

Maybe they do but I was under the impression that polite conversation followed a pattern of A asking a question, B replying and asking a question back, and that way it flows and no one dominates. Am I missing something here? Have the rules changed?

Perhaps, in an ideal world, although I think it might become quite stilted if that's how a conversation actually went!

I know what you mean though and it sounds like you're frustrated with your family's communication skills (and perhaps questioning whether they are interested in you?)

Often families are so close that they don't really follow the kinds of communication etiquette that you would expect in other, less familiar company. This has it's positives and negatives. You just have to find the method that works for you - and don't try to change them - they are what they are for better or worse!

@MessAllOver

I like your D's,what he says when he,starts getting bored with talking to his, grandparents on zoom.
😂😂😂
He sounds very clever to me,advanced for his age, for one so very young.

(I will have to rember to say a similar thing on zoom call,when I get rest less.

"Maybe they do but I was under the impression that polite conversation followed a pattern of A asking a question, B replying and asking a question back, and that way it flows and no one dominates. Am I missing something here? Have the rules changed?

No thats an interview."

Absolutely isn't. OP has described a balanced interaction where both parties are actively expressing an interest in the other. An interview is a one sided interaction where only one party is actively expressing an interest in the other.

Certainly volunteer your own news and don't wait to be asked.

"They may not be reciprocal questions though.

"How is dd getting on in school?" Has no "how about you response" unless you also have a child.

If you want them to ask make leading statements or long awkward pauses."

Yes, obviously you expect someone to put the effort into asking you something else tailored to your own situation if there's no direct reciprocation possible. If you make leading statements and people don't ask though then that's truly shitty and will make you feel like screaming! And there's no way I want to have to deliberately create awkward pauses in conversation to try to force someone into expressing an interest in my life!

"Maybe they do but I was under the impression that polite conversation followed a pattern of A asking a question, B replying and asking a question back, and that way it flows and no one dominates. Am I missing something here? Have the rules changed?

OP I'm very much with you here. It doesn't always have to be absolutely rigidly stuck too obviously - sometimes someone might dive in with another question or two before the other party has asked something back but generally I would want anyone I was speaking to, whether they were a stranger, acquaintance, close friend or family member to make the effort to keep things relatively balanced. Talking about yourself is easy and has been shown to be associated with positive chemicals in the brain (or something like that - dopamine? I'm not a scientist), It's the reward in conversation. The work is ensuring that others have the opportunity to talk about themselves and feel encouraged to do so (which is also rewarding even if it's the effort part, but only if there's reciprocation!).

"Yes that is how you have polite conversation with strangers you have no interest in knowing but equally cannot afford to offend, not family."

Eh?! Why would you decide you had no interest in knowing someone before you've asked them about their lives and found out a bit about them? Conversation can be polite while also being informal, warm, fun and enjoyable, whether with strangers or with family! I don't think I'd bother spending time with my family if they asked me next to nothing about my life but each to their own I suppose. We're all different!

Of course I am not talking about polite conversation here. I am talking about informal chat within a close family. But as some posters have said, it's nice if one person or family doesn't dominate the conversation the entire time! And it would be nice to be asked the occasional question about our DCs too. But never mind.

No zoom calls here. I just don’t have friends or family who do that kind of thing. I tried video calling my best friend once and it was horrific. We were both self conscious of seeing our own face which looked so ugly and it was just yukk yukk. We’ve gone back to daily texting with the occasional phone call