How do this woman do it.

[Meh21]

Hi all, want to talk about a neighbour of mine. She is lovely, a little up herself (I don’t think she realises this) but lovely too.

She is like bleddy Wonder Woman. She works in a high pressure job, she is part of the parent group at school fundraising etc, volunteers etc. She goes to every exercise and activity group going, meets friends all the time (covid allowing of course). Her children do every single extra curricular activity (again covid allowing) and sports groups both at the school and elsewhere. They go away at the weekend (again covid allowing). She’s very vocal about how much she gets up to both in person and on social media. This is great for her. But where does she get the time and energy?!

Then there’s me, don’t get me wrong I’m not a complete slob but I’m not actually working at the minute due to covid and other reasons. I’m just about keeping the kids alive (jokes 🤣). I manage to shower, entertain (now teach) the kids, do laundry and keep the house relatively clean & presentable and go for a quick walk but other than that? Not a lot! Even as a stay at home mum I feel I don’t have the time to do half as much as she does.

To add, both my children have sen which makes it slightly harder. Plus my partner works every hour under the sun and I am home on my own a lot of the time!

Aibu to think most parents don’t have a lot of time for everything and we shouldn’t feel like we were doing enough?

I really don’t know how she does it?

I know families like that too. But the DC quite resent it. They are never allowed downtime to just be. They are never around at weekends to hang out with friends.I'd love to have some of that energy and drive but equally I think those people miss out on not just being. Just happy in their own homes with their families, milling about. It seems a bit manic to me.

I have a friend like this. Her kids do a million activities back to back, she works part time, husband full time and they fill any spare minutes with sport at a fairly high level. Also the kind of person to have 8 for lunch on a moment’s notice.

She told everyone how much she loved lockdown mark 1, how much more relaxed they all were, how she was going to try to keep the slower pace.

Lockdown ended and they were back to usual go go go mode in a flash! I think she’s just wired this way.

I also think some people are ok with giving say 60% to lots of things at once whereas others aren’t comfortable doing less than 100%. So the busy people are probably cutting corners at work and at home and socially but that way they get to do all those things - but some people would be deeply uncomfortable cutting corners and so choose to focus on only one or maybe two of those areas.

OP is she single?

Or is there a partner around.

I may have missed it but I don't think you've said!

I would be seen by others like this, friends at school have asked how I do it. Four DC, one with additional needs, full time career, perfect house /garden blah blah. It’s mainly a mix of OCD and probable ADHD along with 5 am starts and literally not sitting down before 9 pm. I outsource the ironing but do everything else, washing basket is always empty. DH is a complete workaholic and never at home.

Lockdown really made me think again, the DC won’t be going back to all the activities - only 2/3 each a week but with 4 of them it’s a full time job. I’m retraining into a job I’ve always wanted to do and just feel much less under pressure.

I still can’t go to bed until the house is sitting perfect, dishwasher empty and no washing but it’s much improved on pre lockdown me.

Although I’ve never been keen on exercise!

I function best when I don’t stop and all of my day fits into slots, I thrive on tight deadlines and lots to do, but take the pressure off and I’m a sloth a perfectly nice sloth but a sloth.
I also came to realize I do/did a lot of what I did because I’m a control freak and nobody does it better than me ok that last bit is a bit tongue in cheek
That said a comment made by my daughter made me realize it’s fine for her to see how much you can achieve on your own, but that high pressure isn’t her and I shouldn’t be making her feel like that’s what she should be doing. I want her to be who she wants to be so I need to manage how much she sees me doing.

My sister is like this, she's like a whirlwind. I'm exhausted watching her.
However, she suffers with anxiety, so just doesn't stop.
If I ever get her to sit, she's likely to be on edge, some people are just like this to some extent.

I have a friend who is BOSH so full of energy it's mad. It's just how she is.

I'm interested in if this woman has a partner or not tbh. Which makes a lot of difference.

Maybe her children go to sleep in the evenings without messing about, so she can get stuff done. And then stay asleep all night so she's not absolutely knackered every day.
Thirteen years and counting ... oh how different my life could be

@Meh21

Thanks all. I don’t consider myself a lazy person. I like to keep busy due to my own anxiety but I wouldn’t have time for it all myself! By keeping myself busy at the minute I mean, seeing to the kids, housework, running errands, walks etc! Maybe it’s because I’m unsociable and hate organised groups 😅

She is really nice. I’m in no way judging her for it. She is a bit up herself. It’s hard to explain but she’s really nice but at the same time a bit of a show off?

Could I gently suggest that you consider the attitude you are demonstrating to your children? Your dismissal of someone who lives differently to you as “up themselves” is not very nice, and may make them think you will be critical of them if they don’t do the same as you.

My sil is like this and also one of.my besy friends is also.

Thing is, they both hate doing nothing. Literally cannot stand having nothing to do and are fidgeting if they have to sit still for 10 minutes.

I excel at doing nothing and hate having too many things planned for a day.

We're all happy the way we are though.

Agree with sleepyhead.

We're all different. And that's ok.

What I'd like to know is what her children think of how busy she is and the quality of conversations, bonding and just the general feel at home.

@minipie

I have a friend like this. Her kids do a million activities back to back, she works part time, husband full time and they fill any spare minutes with sport at a fairly high level. Also the kind of person to have 8 for lunch on a moment’s notice.

She told everyone how much she loved lockdown mark 1, how much more relaxed they all were, how she was going to try to keep the slower pace.

Lockdown ended and they were back to usual go go go mode in a flash! I think she’s just wired this way.

I also think some people are ok with giving say 60% to lots of things at once whereas others aren’t comfortable doing less than 100%. So the busy people are probably cutting corners at work and at home and socially but that way they get to do all those things - but some people would be deeply uncomfortable cutting corners and so choose to focus on only one or maybe two of those areas.

100% agree and I think something always has to give.

Also the person that said it was manic.

This morning my son wanted to know what our Labrador dog would sound like if she could talk and can she talk and what would she say ? We went through all different accents and he said he thought the Southern American/Georgian accent I did was exactly how she would sound if she could talk. All morning I've been doing her silly voice & he's been roaring with laughter. We are now cuddled on sofa laughing at funny cats and going to make some blueberry muffins in our new oven...

I would not give mornings like this up for that sort of lifestyle !!!!

My friend never relaxes. She paints her house inside and out 4x a year. She thrives off chaos yet seems so ordered.

Its anxiety for her. Can't be silent in her own head.

Some people need less sleep than the norm. I consider them to be cheating at life.

I had a friend like this. Eventually it became clear she just couldn't be alone with her own thoughts and just sit with them. She always had to be on the go in case God forbid she'd have to stop and take stock, think and feel about stuff instead of pushing it all away. Some people are running from stuff so they keep moving all the time. Then again, some people just like being busy!

"It's just that her hobbies don't include sitting down"

My DS is just like this but we're really close. When she was going through chemotherapy (that rendered her unable to have children) she once painted a whole living room on speaker phone while talking to me!

People are very, very different and, as others have said, comparison is the absolute thief of joy.

You could be describing me a few years back, exactly.

Until I crashed and burned after a sudden, rapid series of devastating bereavements and health problems.

Having had to do a lot of work on myself since then, I can say with certainty that my drive was fuelled by soul-destroying anxiety. Stemming from a combination of childhood issues of never feeling good enough, and an absolute terror of being alone with my thoughts for even a second ever.

Interesting that both those have been mentioned above already. And no, I never touched drugs. I just kept going through pure force of will until I simply couldn't any more.

I would have been very upset to think a friend was judging me in the manner of your post and several others above, and especially would have been devastated to be thought to be on drugs.

I'd really like to advocate for a little less judgment and a little more understanding that people can be different and live their lives differently - and that you never know what somebody is going through, what they may be suffering, or what their motivations or demons are that drive their behaviour.

I have this friend. I love her but can only manage half a day with her before needing a nap, she’s exhausting. To add to my woes, every time she wants a room decorating it’s completely overhauled within days. Takes me about half a year just to choose tester pots. I’m infuriated but mainly very envious.

my sister is like this... married with 3 teenagers... they dont have a sofa so no lounging around.. they dont watch tv... meals are quick and healthy... up early early to bed... no magazines.. no socialising...unless with top rate friends and it's organised... no idle conversations.. this kind of lifestyle where so much is acheived takes years to build up too, its a special discipline where their minds dont need to stop and rest.. when they do their rest at sleep time.... very organised minds that don't stop ...

My mother in law is like this. She literally never sits down. I mean, great, she achieves a lot, but I just couldn't be arsed. Don't get me wrong, I have my hobbies or whatever, take the dog for a long walk every day, have a job, but never just sitting on my arse and eating a packet of biscuits is not for me. Some people are satisfied by achieving a lot, but I don't really measure my happiness like that. No judgment on those who are more achievy than I am at all, but it just makes no difference to me really.

She also does exactly the same thing every day, day in, day out and I think that helps because she doesn't waste time faffing and thinking 'wait, what am I doing?' Again, not my style. I like to try different things and I don't have a routine really. So that does lead to a certain amount of time wasting because I have to think about what I'm doing, but I'm ok with that, because I find the monotony of routines stifling.

My husband is like this. He has insane levels of energy and he would rather be walking than sitting down. It's a mix of temperament, health, character, interests, and what makes him happy.

I need on average 2 more hours of sleep a day than him! He's been living his entire life like this, with no breaks, burnout or changes.

I think it's great that such people exist; I admire him

I follow somebody on Istagram like that.
I know Istagram is just the snapshot they want you to see but I know the person IRL. She has an interesting job in the creative industry and is senior. She runs, does yoga, cooks nutritious meals from scratch,, updates Istagram ALL the time, is immaculately groomed at breakfast, is very involved in the children's activities and school. Every weekend is planned to include healthy family exercise, educational excursions, date nights.
Her house is ORGANISED. Every jar in the cupboard is turned the right way, everything is labelled, every surface is clear.
She gets up very early. I have to assume in order to live like that, she is in bed by 8pm!!!
Would I want to go to bed at 8pm every night in exchange for her organised and busy life? NO!

The other thing is that you need a partner who is happy for you to be this ‘busy’ as they would have to do all the childcare whilst she is volunteering, exercising and meeting friends. Their are countless women on MN who moan about their husbands (very secret) hobbies. And not everyone an afford to outsource help