How do this woman do it.

[Meh21]

Hi all, want to talk about a neighbour of mine. She is lovely, a little up herself (I don’t think she realises this) but lovely too.

She is like bleddy Wonder Woman. She works in a high pressure job, she is part of the parent group at school fundraising etc, volunteers etc. She goes to every exercise and activity group going, meets friends all the time (covid allowing of course). Her children do every single extra curricular activity (again covid allowing) and sports groups both at the school and elsewhere. They go away at the weekend (again covid allowing). She’s very vocal about how much she gets up to both in person and on social media. This is great for her. But where does she get the time and energy?!

Then there’s me, don’t get me wrong I’m not a complete slob but I’m not actually working at the minute due to covid and other reasons. I’m just about keeping the kids alive (jokes 🤣). I manage to shower, entertain (now teach) the kids, do laundry and keep the house relatively clean & presentable and go for a quick walk but other than that? Not a lot! Even as a stay at home mum I feel I don’t have the time to do half as much as she does.

To add, both my children have sen which makes it slightly harder. Plus my partner works every hour under the sun and I am home on my own a lot of the time!

Aibu to think most parents don’t have a lot of time for everything and we shouldn’t feel like we were doing enough?

I really don’t know how she does it?

I have a friend like this. She does an amazing amount of stuff on top of a professional role.
However, she is the first to tell you that it is anxiety that drives her and her mental health suffers if she gives herself time to think.

I used to be this woman, I was an absolute machine and very driven. I also wasn’t comfortable with myself. I stayed busy because it’s what I knew and if I stayed busy I didn’t have to stop/ think/ address issues

Reminds me of my mum. She is perpetually busy and would have resembled the woman in question when we were children. She worked, always looked amazing, we were immaculate, house pristine, busy social life/volunteer/hobbies/clubs for us and her. No help whatsoever, my dad was a lazy so-and-so, she really "did it all" and a lovely person to boot.

She had a very abusive upbringing and has anxiety for sure - undiagnosed as she would never address it and so keeps busy, busy, busy. She lacks confidence so would feel she'd be judged/appear lazy if she lazed about. I think she thrives on being seen as busy and productive, I know a few people like this. Most grew up with parents who can never relax for fear of appearing "lazy". Unfortunately I take after my dad and have no such affliction .

We’ve just been through two lockdowns - how many of us didn’t get the book written, decorated the house...and then doesn’t 3 weeks congratulating ourselves.

I used to be super busy.Single mum, new baby, 3 jobs. For 10 years.

I do f all now. House is a tip. Need to lose weight.

It’s all connected. The more you do the more you get can done.

Ha! Sounds like me!! I have always been a ‘do-er’ and I much prefer being super busy. I get bored quite quickly. Some would probably say I have ADHD nowadays but it’s what makes me (and I suppose my family by extension) happy. I also really like expensive things so work to fund that.
Doesn’t mean I’m on drugs, drink, or am a bitch!

@Shetoshe funny you say that. My mum was identical. And I remember as a child thinking ‘my god, can’t you ever just relax and sit down?’. Then I realised I had become her.
I like this version of me far more. And I’m a lot more content in myself.

Speed or cocaine is my guess 😂😂

She's probably no where near as together as you think she is. She's probably a massive stress head trying to be the perfect woman and uses exercise as "me time"

It sounds exhausting OP. Thing is kids mostly turn out the same regardless of how many activities you throw at them/get involved in. I'd go for the easy life and slob on the sofa - nobody will give you brownie points for the added extras least of all your children who won't notice the difference.

ADHD (and appropriate medication regime), lots of money for cleaners, gym fees and everything else, an equally well off and supportive husband, the ability to decide if she's taking the day off or working from home, a brilliant bed/mattress and shower, children with a similar temperament - everything slots into place.

I really don’t know how she does it?

The only question that matters is why she does it. If she's happy, great. If she's doing it because she feels she must, not great.

I used to be super busy. Then I took stock after some life events. Now I'm doing a lot less, but my life is right for me.

I have a friend like this. She works part time as an ITU nurse, she has two children with ASD and a disabled husband, she is the local Scout leader and still works out regularly AND socialises.

From what I can see, she simply never stops. I personally see no joy in a life like that but it's what SHE enjoys. She is one of those people who gets unhappy when she's sitting doing nothing.

I'm not!

When she's not at work or doing things as a volunteer or being with her DC, then she's cleaning her house.

I have a friend who is non stop busy. But over the years I’ve come to the conclusion that she needs to be needed.

She chooses to have dogs and horses which need feeding, walking, riding etc and her day starts at 6am to fit it all in before she starts work.

As far back as I can remember she has been super busy all the time. But she creates this busy schedule for herself so I’ve concluded that it must be making her happy. Although she does moan about having so much to do! It’s quite funny really.

One thing I frequently read about these go getting types is that they get up very early to help focus and keep on top of everything.
I just love my bed too much to leave it earlier than is absolutely necessary.

How involved is her partner? I have found a number of friends like this have partners who do all the life admin, which is often described on here as 'wife work'. If one half of a couple does all the planning, finance, works out alternatives when things don't go to plan etc. their other half can seem to have a busy, organised life alongside a demanding career.

Yip, my sister in law. She's an absolute machine. Three kids, demanding job. Her garden is a botanical paradise, her social life is buzzing and includes weekends away, she cooks imaginatively from scratch, often with produce she's grown, and she makes jewellery to a professional standard as a hobby. She's also an absolute scream and a brilliant person to chat to. It's just how she is, she likes to be on the go all the time. She does loads of school stuff and her kids all play multiple musical instruments. I don't hold it against her (much) as she's a legend.

Think we got the same mate OP. No idea how they do it I can't wait to finish work and put my pjs on (even during normal times).

One word: delegate.

Admittedly no dc, but I used to be up at 5 to do the horse, swim 50 lengths of a full size pool after a day at work, or play badminton, then do Parents” Evening and after normal days at work, I’d walk the dogs for hours. It was just what my life was like at the time. I’m currently fat and broken, so do hardly any of that any more. It’s amazing how hitting 50 has made me feel. 😳

@notangelinajolie

It sounds exhausting OP. Thing is kids mostly turn out the same regardless of how many activities you throw at them/get involved in. I'd go for the easy life and slob on the sofa - nobody will give you brownie points for the added extras least of all your children who won't notice the difference.

I don’t think that’s entirely true. I think parents and early family life provide a model of a level of activity and interests that can be quite long-lasting — for instance, the friend I mentioned upthread, who is extremely sedentary, has almost no friends other than me (and I live in another country) and seldom leaves the house, has two sons who are alarmingly similar. I think they’ve internalised his model, and that of their mother, who is similar.

Not that I’m suggesting you need to buzz about madly 24/7, but if you’re someone who (in non-COVID times) never leaves the sofa apart from to go to work, it sets that as a baseline for children.

My Gran was always like this after my Grandad died. I think it was just her way of coping and ensuring she didn’t get depressed. She blitzed the house every day until it was absolutely spotless, worked as a teacher full time until she physically couldn’t bend to the children’s level anymore, went to synagogue every week and played an active role helping out with mikvah’s, bar/bar mitzvah’s, weddings, and was a member of various groups. She never seemed to stop, she always had something to do. Grandchildren over most weekends too and she’d always cook and clean constantly. Honestly rarely saw her sit down.

She was like Wonder Woman to my cousins and I but actually think she was just sad and tried to mask it.

She’s an extrovert and her down time is spending time with people ..

You are not and your down time is unwinding on your own.

Different characters

I know a few people like this. Some are naturally more energetic and don't need much sleep.
Some are very anxious and driven by nervous energy and the cracks start to show eventually....

These people have a routine and they stick to them .Also if you work , it creates a major discipline in your life .One of my friends was a lazy bum , until she joined work .I cant imagine she told me she gets up around 5am , then cooks for the whole house , 9 o clock the work starts from home and by 7 her child is up in bed .Unlike before when she had all the day and even cooking comes easier and is done in a hurry .
Routine works wonders @Meh21 .You are also having to care for your kids , so be kind to yourself , love yourself , stop camparing and develop a routine

I suppose I might seem like this in non-COVID times. I just love being busy. I can spend a couple of hours watching TV but then I get itchy to do something. DH likes sitting at home more than I do, I’ve found this year torturous with cabin fever!

Ordinarily, I want to be out 2-3 evenings a week after work, weekends away, day trips etc. I have lots of interests and it feels like there are barely enough hours in the week to do them all. I also love taking courses. We only outsource gardening because neither of us enjoys it. I find cleaning tedious but it’s good exercise! 😂

This past year, I’ve had no end of trouble sleeping because I’m just not tired enough mentally to be ready for sleep.

Some people thrive on being busy and energetic. I'm not nearly as driven as this woman but I hate doing nothing. Spending a whole day in front of the TV (unless I was ill) would make me feel really depressed.

I create stuff for myself to do even when I've got too much on. It's just how some people are hard-wired.

Stop cleaning your house, pay someone to do and do something more interesting instead.