To feel frustrated with work colleague with mental health issues

[Triptraptrip]

I work in a school with young children. I’m asked to come in early (7am) - along with a colleague to run a breakfast club. Most children come in at 7, and there are about 25 children in the club. My colleague suffers from mental health issues, and struggles to get in for 7 - or doesn’t make it at all. If she does make it, she hasn’t eaten before she comes in - so makes her own breakfast and sits on a gym horse in the corner of the hall and eats. I’m struggling because I have 25 children to look after - which involves speaking to parents, settling them, helping them manage their belongings, helping them make their breakfast, eat, registering them, keeping the calm and happy, clearing up the breakfast things - putting the tables away (quite heavy) and I’m pregnant. I can’t really say anything as I don’t want to upset her as her mental health is fragile. I’m feeling increasingly frustrated, and I’m not sure what I can do? Thank you.

In addition put this in writing in short email to line manager/head asking for better support. Keep references to mental health out of it. Refer to previous discussions / ‘problems I’m encountering with breakfast club and have raised’. Ask for support and say you feel exposed, overworked and that you need some help with the situation. Keep it short. Ball in their court to understand and deal with problem.
Mention unregistered parents showing up also -that doesn’t sound manageable wonder if the system needs looking at again for everyone’s sakes including parents who haven’t registered ?
Good luck - sounds stressful.

As a possible solution, can you say you want to text instead of phoning someone? To at least 3 numbers to increase the likelihood that someone sees it and responds?

Then
1 you’ve got a written record
2 more chance of getting a response

It sounds awful for you.

@cupoteap I’m still early stages, and I wanted to wait a bit longer before announcing. I’m older with a frail mum - who will worry about my pg. I want to tell mum when I know all is ok, then work.

@Rainbowqueeen that’s a good idea. And thank you everyone, it’s really helped to put things in perspective.

Definitely send an email. I would also copy in the head so your concerns can't be ignored. The school has a duty of care to all staff as well as students. She does sound lazy rather than anything else. Why come in and sit and eat breakfast leaving the childten to it? That's just rude - and shit.

First of all, congratulations on being in work at 7am. I generally never got out of bed before 7 when I went to work and wouldn't have been able to keep it up - rather like your colleague with mental health problems :-).

Yes of course you must speak to your line manager. You have to manage so many children and you need somebody on the same page to work with you so you can support each other.

I do wonder if I’m the problem, and if I’m not particularly pleasant to work with. I’m worried that I give off bad vibes because I’m feeling stressed. I don’t want to upset her when she’s feeling low.

Do everything mentioned here, in terms of recording, reporting in writing, etc.

Then call in sick yourself one day. Clearly it will turn into a huge clusterfuck with you not there to rung around servicing everybody. When the parents complain and the shit hits the fan, you can smile sweetly and say ‘I’m confused- I ran it effectively alone for 437 mornings in a row. Surely Colleague wouldn’t have a problem doing it one morning herself alone?’

Your line manager is making it your problem, where really it's their problem to make sure the club is run safely with adequate staffing and appropriate engagement by the staff. I would stress that you cannot be held responsible for any safety issues as a result of your colleague's lack of involvement. In effect you are looking after too many children on your own. You have then flagged up safety concerns which makes it clear that it is their responsibility not yours.

@bigvig there are various duties, and this one is definitely viewed as the ‘short straw’ - I get paid extra for it though! There are catering staff around, but they are VERY grumpy at that time and completely frazzled getting food ready for the day.

Similarly there is an after school pick up club. Our parents don’t seem to be able to arrive on time to pick up their children - so all the children get ushered into a room until they are ready! There can way more 30 children in there with 2 members of support staff! But it varies so much - and so quickly, depending on when they get collected. I’m not on that duty - but it’s all to please the parents!

You seem very supportive of your colleague OP and I wouldn’t worry about giving off bad vibes to her! I have serious MH issues which mean that I have to take single days off at short notice and sometimes longer periods. To whoever it was that said she might be using her MH issues as a reason to shirk, please try to understand how debilitating these issues can be. My managers are very supportive but my work as a medical secretary is easier to cover than yours.

As the others have said, it’s up to your managers to find solutions to this and provide the support you need. It’s hard for an organisation to deal with an employee like your colleague but as well as a duty of care to her, they also have one to you.

OP you sound so lovely but you need to toughen up and put yourself first!
I have in the past had MH problems which made it difficult to do my job effectively (also working with kids, also high pressure)
Instead of passing the buck to my already overstretched colleagues, I got myself signed off and then discussed with my managers how I could come back safely and eventually do the job properly.
Reasonable adjustments are meant to to be reasonable: allowing someone to be in work being paid but not actually working (and sitting shouting at colleagues...!) is not reasonable!!

I have a serious mental health condition but have never had a day off work with it. Its managed well with medication and I dont use it as an excuse because I want to be taken seriously at work. Definitely report to line manager to take the appropriate measures, refer to occupational health an so on. Sitting around having breakfast is not on.

@HildegardeCrowe that’s a great post to read, and also helps me understand. Best wishes to you xxxx This is the thing, when my colleague is feeling well, it’s a joy to see her happy and she’s so lively and fun with the children. She struggles with breakfast club - maybe it’s the early morning, but I do wonder if it’s me! I think she’s very sensitive, and I’m not giving off great vibes - I know it! But as the other posters have said - it does come across as - and I don’t want to use the word - defiant, or even lazy. Clearly I’m wrong here, and I need to change my mindset.

So even though I’m not saying it, I’m thinking it - and I need to stop that. I would think she definitely picks up on my negative inner thoughts.

Hi OP,
Just specifically about putting the tables away - which you describe as very heavy. Sometimes alone while pregnant.

I realise you have said it is early days and you don’t want to “come out” at work as pregnant yet but I do feel you need to contact your head and line manager and tell them confidentially. Tell them it is early and you don’t want anybody else told but you would like a reasonable adjustment of someone else clearing the hall of tables. They can easily say you have a “health problem” or a bad back. Perhaps there is an estate manager or care taker who could do it but that’s not really your problem.

As you are the only person with your colleague at breakfast the management may prefer to bury their head and think that no news is good news. It might be worth keeping your own record and each Friday for example reporting to the head:
Monday: Arrived 7:15
Tuesday: on time
Wednesday: no show
Thursday: on time but ate breakfast and not helping until 7:20
Friday: arrived 7:10

You shouldn’t have to do this but how else will management know? They are asking you to ring but that takes more of you time when you are struggling alone. I agree a text may be better.

Perhaps you could ask for a signing in sheet to be made compulsory (if it’s not already) and you colleague would have to write down the time she arrives - so management could keep an eye.

Tricky problem as you are not her manager but her poor performance impacts on you. It doesn’t sound like the right job for her at all.

It isn;t fair that you are burdened like this OP.

Mental health issues do need to be taken seriously though- but it is up to management to make sure this is done with minimal imact to other staff.
Some MH problems have insomnia as a symptom for instance,, if this is the case with your collegaue then her role needs to be changed- maybe the breakfast club is too much, and she could do the after school club instead, and swap with a staff member running that club.
It's up to management to sort this out. Be firm.

Firstly OP congrats on your pregnancy.
You've been given some very good advice here with regards to your colleague. I would definitely explain in confidence to your Head/manager that you are pregnant and that you should absolutely not be lifting heavy tables on your own.

As others have said, I would encourage you to put any issues in writing like email or text, and copy in the head. Make it clear these are ongoing issues from around x date. Do the email the same day the issues arise, be persistent. Explain the phoning through isn't working well enough and why.

Your colleague is not pulling her weight, it sounds like she is not taking enough responsibility for herself but also a lack of support in place as well. If you feel sure she doesn't like you that suggests her attitude/conduct at work is also off, ultimately these are all matters that need to be more adequately addressed by this person's line manager. If your colleague's health is affecting her ability to do her job, she needs to be supported to do a better job or not be doing that job. It is negligent to leave any vulnerable person (in this case, 25 children) in the hands of someone who is showing signs of being incapable. If the job was manageable with just one member of staff they definitely wouldn't be paying 2. Your boss needs a kick up the arse to sort this out properly. Also, congratulations on your pregnancy!

OP, when I’m able to work I try to be fully present, pull my weight and do an affective job. When I’m bad, I simply don’t go into work because I know I wouldn’t be affective. So your colleague shouldn’t be coming in if she can’t function and do her job. Thank you for your best wishes.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky, it’s great that your meds are working so well. But people like me don’t use their MH issues as an excuse and I hate having to be off because I have a strong work ethic.

Just to second what others have said. Play the safety card (both in terms of child safety and your own). Lots of emails to your line managers using buzz phrases like 'deeply concerned about safety of students', play out some worst case scenarios etc. What if colleague doesn't turn up and your pregnancy causes you to faint?

This shouldn't be your issue to sort out!

If there is one thing management will take note of and act upon Op is when the reputation of the breakfast club is seen to be threatened.Trust me on this one cos I know! So heres what I would do...you casually mention to your head that you are really sorry but you have had some comments from parents about how they are seeing the club run and they are not happy...them not you.They are complaining in small numbers about how unproffessional its looking with sue munching on her breakfast when their children are being ignored and not interacted with and how they are not impressed when you are booking n and seeing tothe kids on your own due to her being late and unreliable.You so hate to bring this up but the arents are getting quite vocal about it and you cannot cover up much longer without it coming to a head and you feel they should know before it becomes a major issue where parents are demanding to know whats going wrong...they will if they have any sense move like shit off a stick if they think any of this is true!Reputations in private schools are everything and if you approach like this then you are not directly blaming anyone but drawing attention to what the parents are experiencing and if parents are getting restless then you feel they should know for the good of school....and stop lifting tables on your own thats against every rule in the ook on health and safety as is the amount of kids you are looking after they need to be aware. Do it this way and you should see a prompt investigation and results when they see...of course you only mention this out of concern for school.! This is what you need to do..

YANBU OP but you’re being far too soft about this set of problems. Please don’t put up with it any longer!

Email your line manager with a clear outline of the problems, how long they’ve been going on and any suggested solutions. I agree you should not mention mental health issues of colleague. Of course the obvious solution is to replace the colleague for this work. But they will need to suggest/do this.

You should include all the issues about unregistered children being dropped off and list their names. The school office can then contact the parents and explain that they must register or will be turned away. Are there limited numbers?

In my DC’s school, the late room is very strict and if you are late collecting they take it really seriously and I think would just ban use after two strikes. Equally you have to book for late room and it’s not allowed to be used every day. Sounds like your school needs to toughen up.

It's her fault you might not be giving off "bad vibes" though. It's not your fault. I think most people in her situation must suspect that you have issues with her coming in late and not doing the work, so if she's cold with you it's probably just a self-defensive thing as she knows what she's doing isn't on. It's horrible to have mental health issues but if a person can't do the job they just drag others down and cause mental health issues with them.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Easier said than done but try not to stress. Just write the letters/emails and keep pestering the manager. I know you said you're not telling your mum, but could you just tell the manager for now? It might be good that they know.