Yes, I guess I am being pathetic

[Imquitepathetic]

But AIBU to feel this way?
I in my mid-30s, 2 children, your usual family with a set of normal problems.
I feel resentful about the fact that no one ever was obsessed or deeply infatuated with my persona when I was younger. By "no one" I mean no one out of my league maybe? I was not a popular girl, I was the one who is left alone at a party when everyone paired together. And this is probably the core of the problem, I was not the chosen one lol. Some painful unrequited love situations and too much rejection in the past. Who created these "leagues" anyway?
I've been a cute girl! Classic facial features, good skin, beautiful long hair, the higher end of normal by weight so a bit squishy but generally nothing criminal, your usual M size or something. But during my university years or in my early 20s, I had no one who basically wanted to approach me or pursue me. Noone. Yes, I haven't been a confident person (it showed) and I've been quite obsessed with studies and work, but believe me...I was also horribly lonely. Yeah, I've got some stories behind my belt like random wounded older married men in = pursuing a young me... or my first manager trying to organise a date with her not-so-lucky-in-love son. Ah yes, a funny guy from accounting invited me for a drink once to tell me the story of his love life troubles. A popular handsome guy in the Uni having regular lunches with me in order for me to help him with his studies. Charming! It's not hard to understand that's not what a girl wants.
So basically I was a young successful woman with a job, financial freedom, AND a perfectly normal appearance without anyone fancying her. Why?
How did I "manage" to get married? Well, I've accidentally bumped into a nice decent guy who lived thousands of miles away from me and somehow managed to build a relationship with him. But again, he was the shy one and it took some effort to build what I have.
I can't even say why it's bothering me still. I feel so bitter sometimes and aging doesn't help. My DD is the opposite by the way...so confident and popular at school and is completely sure of being nothing but exceptional.
It's quite refreshing to feel bitter about something that is NOT Covid-19!

Sorry about mistakes and typos. It's a bit of wine in my system.

Well I had all those things and ended up with a grade A cunt, soooo swings and roundabouts hey 🥂

I don't think I understand what you're upset about? Nobody has ever been infatuated with you, although plenty have been attracted to you and you know you're good looking (which I've no doubt you are)?

It sounds as though the actual problem is in your marriage rather than things that didn't happen while you were at uni. "Your usual family with a set of normal problems" isn't a very flattering description. Are you bored and deflecting this on to your history?

(I've had the odd infatuation with me. It's not that flattering when you realise it's not you they're keen on, but whatever person they think you are...)

How ridiculous. Happily married woman whinges that no one fancied her years ago.

You have a husband who, presumably, loves you and a child.
Clock on to yourself.

I was the ugly friend.

I have a gorgeous husband two fantastic kids.
Who cares what happened years ago?

I do think that men pick up on a lack of confidence in women. Some of the “sexiest” women I’ve know are the ones who are sure of themselves and don’t give a damn. Men love that sort of personality. I’ve also know some super insecure beautiful women who were so riddled with insecurities and only focused on how they looked and ironically men steered away from them.

Anyway; I don’t really get what you think you missed out on, did you want some crazy/angst full/passionate flings? They mess your head up and are never what they seem! Most people date, have a few relationships but it isn’t all sex and the city...

I'm not that sure what you are complaining about.
Its actually not very nice for anyone involved in an obsession, unless you've got a massive ego and get off on someone else's suffering.
Be grateful for what you have and the decent man you married.

A bit of wine? Sounds slightly more than a bit

You describe a very normal life. I think your feelings are due to comparing reality with Hollywood romance movies. Movies you might have watched growing up where the guy gets stupidly obsessed with a girl next door. Stop doing the comparing!

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom
Sorry about possibly making an impression of being a gorgeous one, I am certainly not super good looking. I guess I was... underrated because I was very shy and suffered from a lack of confidence.
Plenty who were attracted to me...they were absolutely inappropriate types of attention.
I do have family issues. My husband is not a bad person at all but the first couple of years after the children were born took a toll and right now it's the dynamics often described as "a passive tired husband and a nagging wife".

@Bloatedandconfused

A bit of wine? Sounds slightly more than a bit

Perhaps she meant a bit of whine

@Bloatedandconfused
2 small glasses! A bit tipsy yes.

Start a blog about it, OP.

@YouBoughtMeAWall
I usually whine after wine, so I don't drink too often lol

@Gingerwhinger0
Going deeper into childhood issues, my parents were a bit in trouble with caring about my emotional wellbeing or showing affection. I don't usually go there but maybe I always was a bit in need of someone just fancying me just like other more popular girls.

[quote Imquitepathetic]@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom
Sorry about possibly making an impression of being a gorgeous one, I am certainly not super good looking. I guess I was... underrated because I was very shy and suffered from a lack of confidence.
Plenty who were attracted to me...they were absolutely inappropriate types of attention.
I do have family issues. My husband is not a bad person at all but the first couple of years after the children were born took a toll and right now it's the dynamics often described as "a passive tired husband and a nagging wife".[/quote]
I wasn't making any negative comment. It's fine to feel that you are attractive and I'm sure you are.

This isn't about whether someone did foolish things regarding you 15 years ago. This isn't about the past at all. It's about now, and what's making you unhappy now. Surely you and your husband can try to rediscover each other if you're both on board with that and want to?

@Cantdoitallperfectly
Yes, they do absolutely pick up on the confidence thing.
Well, I obviously don't my pathetic thoughts and regrets affect my life except winging on Mumsnet.
But I would think in many years in higher education I'd be lucky enough to go out on a date with someone really but I have never had that.

I think a lot of it is down to confidence. I am far from conventionally beautiful, but I have always had a lot of attention from men, and women. I have always believed in myself, and I guess that other people enjoy that.

Why would you want someone ‘out of your league’ to be infatuated with you? Wouldn’t you rather have had an equal attraction? It sounds a bit like a film script aimed at women/girls who lack confidence.

You sound like you’ve got low self esteem. Explore that. Going on dates and having men chase you won’t fix that.. I am in my forties, have no men chasing after me but have never felt better or more attractive. I love the person I am now.

Is there something deeper going on in your marriage?

Not everyone declares their undying love for you, if you were very attractive, it can be intimidating to some. You might , still have a few secret admirers. Teenage boys lusting after ‘popular’ girls probably involves saying he’d shag her, not really missing out on much.

the higher end of normal by weight so a bit squishy but generally nothing criminal

You lost me at this part, I'm fatter than average, is that criminal now?

You sound a bit needy and self absorbed..... sorry that's harsh.

Those people that others gravitate towards are smiley, confident and make others feel good about themselves.

Also, the whole "somebody out of my league obsessed with me" is a bit of a Hollywood script isn't it? You sound like you have a decent husband so count your blessings.

Why would you want someone "obsessed " with you? You realise that's not healthy ,right?

Have you ever been obsessed with anyone? Madly pursued them? If no, then why not?

I was the fat one, so I was bullied and rejected plenty. I also had some persistent suitors (not as glamorous as it sounds, particularly the one pretending he tried to kill himself in a car crash after I ended it) and some torrid,drama filled,intense relationships. All utterly toxic and fucked up,none of them lasted or were any good for me.

Average,settled life now. I'm finally actually happy.

What is it that you think you missed out on? Being adored? Adulated? The romance? The passion?

I get the feeling that there is something missing in your life, but a swathe of adoring boyfriends still yearning for your beauteous countenance isn't actually it.

What have you not achieved yet?

Sorry OP, but this reads like the opener to chick lit where the protagonist ends up having an affair that is a whirlwind romance and threatens to tear her family apart...