Yes, I guess I am being pathetic

[Imquitepathetic]

But AIBU to feel this way?
I in my mid-30s, 2 children, your usual family with a set of normal problems.
I feel resentful about the fact that no one ever was obsessed or deeply infatuated with my persona when I was younger. By "no one" I mean no one out of my league maybe? I was not a popular girl, I was the one who is left alone at a party when everyone paired together. And this is probably the core of the problem, I was not the chosen one lol. Some painful unrequited love situations and too much rejection in the past. Who created these "leagues" anyway?
I've been a cute girl! Classic facial features, good skin, beautiful long hair, the higher end of normal by weight so a bit squishy but generally nothing criminal, your usual M size or something. But during my university years or in my early 20s, I had no one who basically wanted to approach me or pursue me. Noone. Yes, I haven't been a confident person (it showed) and I've been quite obsessed with studies and work, but believe me...I was also horribly lonely. Yeah, I've got some stories behind my belt like random wounded older married men in = pursuing a young me... or my first manager trying to organise a date with her not-so-lucky-in-love son. Ah yes, a funny guy from accounting invited me for a drink once to tell me the story of his love life troubles. A popular handsome guy in the Uni having regular lunches with me in order for me to help him with his studies. Charming! It's not hard to understand that's not what a girl wants.
So basically I was a young successful woman with a job, financial freedom, AND a perfectly normal appearance without anyone fancying her. Why?
How did I "manage" to get married? Well, I've accidentally bumped into a nice decent guy who lived thousands of miles away from me and somehow managed to build a relationship with him. But again, he was the shy one and it took some effort to build what I have.
I can't even say why it's bothering me still. I feel so bitter sometimes and aging doesn't help. My DD is the opposite by the way...so confident and popular at school and is completely sure of being nothing but exceptional.
It's quite refreshing to feel bitter about something that is NOT Covid-19!

Get over yourself - to me this reads like you’re listing how amazing you are and wanting folk to agree with you hun.

It’s all about confidence

If you don’t love yourself or even like yourself. It shows. That means others won’t.

I remember when I was 20 or so. I went on a booze cruise. I was the only girl in a big group of guys (I’m very tim boyish). I had a large groups of 25 guys. We used to hang around. For years.

Anyway on this cruise there was this girl. She was quite beautiful. But larger than me who was a size 6. At the time the guys I hung around with were a bit dickheads and would say about wanting only a skinny blonde wife etc. Like guys do. Anyway this girl oozed confidence. I’ve never met anyone like her. Even 20 years later. I didn’t even speak to the girl. It’s like she had this shining light around her and she shone. Everyone. ALL THE GUYS on the boat flocked to her. Even years later the guys still speak of her. I’d say she was a size 18-20? But she just seeped confidence.

I remember that girl to this day. We all know exactly what she looked like. What she wore. How she acted. Which I don’t even know. But she wasn’t confident in an arrogant way. Ever since then I’ve tried to act confident even if I don’t feel it. It makes a massive difference.

I had a job interview later that day for a job pretty out of my realm. For a large large music record company. Before that day I was feeling so nervous. Knew it was such a slim chance. But I saw that girl and thought fuck it. Just act like you own it. I got the job. Out of 200 others.

Confidence really does work. You need to try it. Even if you don’t feel it. I promise it really makes a difference.

I don’t even know that girls name. But she’s responsible for such a change in my life.

@Imquitepathetic, I agree with you that you will definitely have played a big part in creating a happy home life for your DD and helping raise her to have the confidence and personality traits to make her attractive to other people. It’s something you should be very proud of, as well as being proud of her and her own achievements.
It sounds like you have the right attitude to approaching your 40s and 50s, plus you have the benefit of being able to see what a boost in self confidence can do for you. Being brave and embracing opportunities that come along could take you in an exciting direction. And self confidence is attractive at all ages!

For some reason this post was on my mind. I think a lot of posters were really horrible to you and I wondered why people had to be so unpleasant. There was a very nice poster who also stuck in my mind suggesting perhaps you need an adventure!

Sorry - I commented a bit too soon. I was going to say that I think a lot of people are doing a lot of regretting and also a lot of fantasising right now. I think it's partly the pandemic and that many (the lucky ones I know) are quite stuck in a grindingly mundane but also very anxious situation day after day in a kind of limbo. This has lead to a lot of people reassessing their lives or looking back and thinking why didn't they do this or that more in the past - etc etc. So I think it's perfectly understandable that you are feeling as you are and wondering why you didn't have a better or more romantic youth! But what also struck me were the word "bitter" and also that your dreams do seem quite passive. Like you are bitter that something hasn't happened to you almost like winning the lottery or bitter that something or someone else hasn't given you that feeling of being the chosen one or however you put it - you are putting a lot of power in the hands of other people somehow. I think it's normal to look back and regret that we weren't more confident -particularly as society makes women so unconfident about looks etc a lot of the time. We think - look at me, I looked fine - what was I so insecure about? Or whatever. We want to be able to imbue our younger selves with more confidence. But this thread seemed a bit sad because you seemed to get sucked back into in a very limited way of looking at things. Talking of leagues and whether you were more or less attractive etc. It is interesting it's put in quite competitive terms and I notice you said you were very studious. I wonder if you were quite a high achiever and are thinking of this side of things almost in a competitive frame, as opposed to a personal frame. You talk of people you were obsessed with in terms of where you saw them on that tree or league. Not personally why you really liked them as an individual. And I wonder if perhaps you maybe focussed on the wrong things and are still - to some extent - seeing things in those terms? As we get older don't we all realise that high-school type leagues and societal conventiona about looks is nothing really to do with looks whether people have passionate relationships or not and that looks and leagues is quite cold and impersonal ways of looking at things. People don't tend to fall head over heels because of a league. Leagues sound like something from school - and I know that schools do put that stuff on people and it can be hard to shake off. But it's not real. Most people grow out of that. So to me it sounds like you are yearning for something overwhelming and exciting to happen (and I can imagine the year we have had is making that feeling quite strong) and also that you are still unconfident in some way and perhaps don't know how to solve your insecurities. There was a lovely post above about having an adventure. Perhaps rather than looking back and feeling "bitter" which is such a destructive word and I wouldnt' wish on anyone - perhaps you and your partner could together start thinking about an adventure you could start planning together now even though it can't happen for a while. Maybe something that pushes you out of your usual comfort zones. I wonder if actually looking forward, planning something exciting and putting some of the parts in place to do that might also start building a bit of that confidence too and might also allow a conversation about how to get a bit more excitement into life? I think we really get confidence through doing and feeling like we can do things or achieve things rather than waiting to be given it by others. I notice also you say you are struggling a little also as you get older. I understand. A lot of people let whatever happened at school or in their teenage years get to them later. But just to repeat - looks aren't what creates good relationships or passionate relationships, and these leagues you talk about don't actually exist. You get confidence through doing - take it! There probably were people who fancied you you never picked up courage to tell you. It might be you were fixated yourself on the wrong people and didn't look around a bit wider. But if you regret letting this define you then and not having recognised you were attractive and a nice person then - then why on earth are you letting it define things now? I'd say chat to your partner and make some exciting plans together and start to build that confidence. You're so young! There are great times ahead and you deserve to feel great about yourself and shouldn't be letting insecurities of the past make you feel bitter now. All best and I hope that was helpful and I hope the rough time many gave you on here didn't upset you. You voiced something that I think is quite understandable and you deserve that confidence going forwards.

I get it OP. I don't think its any coincidence that you got married to someone from outside the UK. I don't think the British really do romance and to me, having grown up outside the UK, a lot of relationships seem very superficial and easily replaced.

So basically I was a young successful woman with a job, financial freedom, AND a perfectly normal appearance without anyone fancying her. Why?

In my limited experience, a lot of guys here prefer plain women who are a bit needy because they think they can control them/don't have to put a huge effort in. My friend was recently dumped and one of the reasons given was that she "wasn't plain enough" (for him). I had an obviously disabled friend at work who was a magnet for all the creeps, she literally used to go out at lunchtime to get a sandwich and come back with some awful guy's phone number, having given him hers, and he would phone her up to try and arrange sex. A lot of guys want to exploit what they see as vulnerability (thankfully she never went) or alternatively, easy availability.

Looking back, the ones you have to chase after aren't worth pursuing. I had this guy, lets call him B, at uni, who you have thought I was ideally suited to. We did the same hobby, we both went on to work in graduate jobs at the same uni, but he kept messing me around really badly. He told me he wanted to go out with a "tall busty woman". I won't go into detail about what he did but basically when we moved away, he suddenly stared pursuing me for sex, I turned him down as he wasn't offering a relationship and he then turned up at our hobby with a girlfriend who he had had all along who was definatley neither tall or busty!

I also think that a lot of guys do prefer very slim women. You say you are a medium, but some men, who have this idealised view of women in their mind, would prefer a size 8. I know its not realistic!

Look on the bright side! At least you don't have hordes of creeps chasing after you, sending you dumb pms on social media, thinking theyre in with a chance with you, which is actually quite insulting when they are really rank!