Yes, I guess I am being pathetic

[Imquitepathetic]

But AIBU to feel this way?
I in my mid-30s, 2 children, your usual family with a set of normal problems.
I feel resentful about the fact that no one ever was obsessed or deeply infatuated with my persona when I was younger. By "no one" I mean no one out of my league maybe? I was not a popular girl, I was the one who is left alone at a party when everyone paired together. And this is probably the core of the problem, I was not the chosen one lol. Some painful unrequited love situations and too much rejection in the past. Who created these "leagues" anyway?
I've been a cute girl! Classic facial features, good skin, beautiful long hair, the higher end of normal by weight so a bit squishy but generally nothing criminal, your usual M size or something. But during my university years or in my early 20s, I had no one who basically wanted to approach me or pursue me. Noone. Yes, I haven't been a confident person (it showed) and I've been quite obsessed with studies and work, but believe me...I was also horribly lonely. Yeah, I've got some stories behind my belt like random wounded older married men in = pursuing a young me... or my first manager trying to organise a date with her not-so-lucky-in-love son. Ah yes, a funny guy from accounting invited me for a drink once to tell me the story of his love life troubles. A popular handsome guy in the Uni having regular lunches with me in order for me to help him with his studies. Charming! It's not hard to understand that's not what a girl wants.
So basically I was a young successful woman with a job, financial freedom, AND a perfectly normal appearance without anyone fancying her. Why?
How did I "manage" to get married? Well, I've accidentally bumped into a nice decent guy who lived thousands of miles away from me and somehow managed to build a relationship with him. But again, he was the shy one and it took some effort to build what I have.
I can't even say why it's bothering me still. I feel so bitter sometimes and aging doesn't help. My DD is the opposite by the way...so confident and popular at school and is completely sure of being nothing but exceptional.
It's quite refreshing to feel bitter about something that is NOT Covid-19!

Stop watching romcoms and put down the wine!

Real life doesn’t usually include having devoted swains falling at our feet declaring love, no matter how attractive we are. Why waste time on regretting things that didn’t happen? If they had you might not have enjoyed it much!

@ChristmasinJune
I certainly didn't want to offend people like you (or people like me for that matter)
What I meant is that guys always tried to pursue the ones who had better figures and it's not my fault surely. That's how the world worked around me I'm afraid.
I didn't know that having no romantic attention in your teens or early 20s count as a normal and positive life experience!
Yes, I wasn't confident and super smily to opposite gender, again having no attention didn't help me with that. I was a good friend to many people, so don't discount me that much.

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea
def have no will or energy for that. The train has departed and I'm a family person now. Have some regrets about a dull and empty youth though. Many people had lots of fun in their younger years.

What I meant is that guys always tried to pursue the ones who had better figures...I didn't know that having no romantic attention in your teens or early 20s count as a normal and positive life experience!

I mean this kindly, but by your mid 30s, you really, really need to be letting go of the fact that teenage boys and very young men are frequently shallow and a bit thick.

OP, you mention your DD right at the end of your original post, being the opposite to how your were growing up and I wonder if you’re feeling a little envious of the freedoms and excitement she has right now, and of the opportunities to come in front of her?

As we settle down and tick the big life events off our list (marriage, children, home owner) etc, it’s not uncommon to feel nostalgic for a freer, more carefree time. It’s also not uncommon to want a “do over” and wish you’d tackled past situations differently, or cottoned on to things sooner. Watching someone else, even your nearest and dearest, seem to find life easier can provoke feelings of regret, or even resentment. It’s okay to feel like that, as long as you don’t let it dominate your present, future, or your relationships.
Big, obsessive, uncontrollable crushes, or passionate relationships are usually paired with the troughs of the rollercoaster and while enjoyable at the peak, usually don’t make for happy memories in the long term.
I’d question what you’re feeling like you’re missing in life right now, to make you dwell on your past. Tackle that for a happier present. You can’t change what has been.

How do you know? Where is the evidence for all the statements you have made? What about your behaviour?

How many people did you chase with such unbridled abandon so that they knew you picked them first above all others?

One? None? You are just like most people, and most people don't behave in the way that you wish they had, most people are a bit insecure and only really thinking about themselves most of the time.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose
Sorry, you had an unpleasant experience of unwanted attention.
Yes, I was really infatuated with a few guys who didn't care about me. Of course, I didn't try to do anything inappropriate. And I wouldn't want any creepy people stalking me either.
Yes, I do mean that no one openly adored or fancied me. And I did miss out on the experience of a requited love in my youth, I certainly did. Not that I want a Hollywood like many accusing me here:) Being invited for a coffee or for a date is not a Hollywood.

A popular handsome guy in the Uni having regular lunches with me in order for me to help him with his studies. Charming!

You mean a friend?

Plenty who were attracted to me...they were absolutely inappropriate types of attention.

So people were attracted to you, just not the ones you wanted.

I get you OP. It was similar for me, often called the prettiest girl in school, called beautiful by others as an adult, but had an inferiority complex and wasn’t asked out and didn’t know how to flirt with men who flirted with me. Some people just can’t cash in their sexual appeal 🤷‍♀️

First world problems at its finest here 🙄

@Imquitepathetic Sorry if that came across as snarky. You'd be amazed how many people get to their 30s and have a few years of thinking 'was that it, then?' I know, because I was one Talking to friends, so many of them said they just 'settled' because there was no reason not to. And now, it's not so much that they have regrets, it's just that feeling that something indefinible passed you by - there was never That Moment. It's perfectly normal.

You remind me so much of a friend of mine it's scary.

Now obviously I can't know for sure, but I would place money on this being an attitude problem instead of an actual issue with how many people fancied you.

The thing is, most people, regardless of their appearance, have people who fancy them (and you obviously were fancied at some point or you wouldn't be married).

The difference is, some people expect to attract attention and therefore recognise it, whilst others expect to be ignored... so they ignore the signs.

Please stop beating yourself up by your interpretation of how you were viewed in your 20's and work on your confidence now. You'll never know how many people found you attractive and it really doesn't matter

@NRE20
I'm in fact very happy for my DD and am proud that I've contributed somehow for her to feel so secure. I don't think it's only my "achievement" though that she feels this way, sometimes people born this way? I'm pleasantly surprised that it comes so effortless to some people but her life will be better for it.
I somehow think my 40s and 50s will be the years when I could "blossom" and finally love myself a bit more. Maybe will have some time for myself (not guaranteed!) And no, I'm not going to pursue Hollywood lol

Well, I’m ugly and had kissed no one before I met dh. I was expecting a single life with cats. I was astonished to find myself desirable.I spent my twenties riddled with anxiety and am enjoying my less anxious 40s.

You are the story that you tell yourself.

@toomanyplants
I can assure you, I'm struggling enough during my everyday life, including being affected by problem number one (Covid pandemic) both in terms of exposure, not seeing my family for ages and financial worries and so on. I do feel other feelings sometimes too.

Was there a point to this post? If there was, I've failed to see it?

Do you just want to tell us that you have classic looks and gorgeous hair?

I can tell you about the scraws that I possess which normally pass for hair?

It's not you Kate is it??

I somehow think my 40s and 50s will be the years when I could "blossom" and finally love myself a bit more.

Is this the real issue here?

Do you maybe feel if you had people loving you,fancying you you'd feel more "worthy "? Maybe more inclined to accept you're worthy of love and love yourself more?

Whereas now all these things you consider lacking or "failures" just confirm that "what's there to love" when you think about doing things for yourself? That maybe you don't deserve it?

I apologise if I'm completely off the mark. I know it sounds rambly...

@slashlover
I was so infatuated with the guy. I would rearrange all my plans including working hours to help him when he asked for it, usually during lunchtime hours. I should have said "no". Well, yeah, kind of a friend he was. Found him on Facebook recently. He's not that attractive now, nothing special about him. I have no feelings obviously. But I'm still disappointed by how I allowed him to use me and past rejections sting a bit sometimes.

sting*

Having someone infatuated with you isn’t romantic and wonderful. It’s very uncomfortable and can be frightening if you don’t want it. It also affects any potential relationships as you can be suspicious and fearful of any genuine and decent potential relationship.

@ObliviouslyIgnorant
That's not my name no and half of my gorgeous hair fell off during the last couple of years if it makes my post a little bit more tolerable to you!

There are plenty of posts on Mumsnet that don't make any sense so cut me some slack!

I was very beautiful as a young woman, I see that now. I am not looking too bad now, for my age. But what I have now that makes me attractive is confidence and not "I am fabulous...." confidence but "I dont give a shit what you think of me" confidence.

I never had that as a young woman and thats why I got passed over for women who were, on paper, less conventionally attractive. I dont blame the men, they were more attractive than I was!

But seeing what those women went through with the bastards and the arseholes, I dont envy them. I have had my fair share of bastards and arseholes too as my MN history will attest, but as my confidence was rock bottom to start with, I grew as a result of those experiences, eventually. They shrank as a result of starting high and being knocked down by the bastards.

[quote Imquitepathetic]@slashlover
I was so infatuated with the guy. I would rearrange all my plans including working hours to help him when he asked for it, usually during lunchtime hours. I should have said "no". Well, yeah, kind of a friend he was. Found him on Facebook recently. He's not that attractive now, nothing special about him. I have no feelings obviously. But I'm still disappointed by how I allowed him to use me and past rejections sting a bit sometimes.[/quote]
How long ago was this? How long did this relationship last? What did you learn from it? Why does the fact that an ordinary man wasn't obsessed with you X years ago bother you?

Well what do you want from this thread though? You've 2 children and a husband, a secure life, what else?

[quote Imquitepathetic]@slashlover
I was so infatuated with the guy. I would rearrange all my plans including working hours to help him when he asked for it, usually during lunchtime hours. I should have said "no". Well, yeah, kind of a friend he was. Found him on Facebook recently. He's not that attractive now, nothing special about him. I have no feelings obviously. But I'm still disappointed by how I allowed him to use me and past rejections sting a bit sometimes.[/quote]
He probably saw you as a friend, you saw it as something more.

You seem overly invested in looks and "leagues".