Yes, I guess I am being pathetic

[Imquitepathetic]

But AIBU to feel this way?
I in my mid-30s, 2 children, your usual family with a set of normal problems.
I feel resentful about the fact that no one ever was obsessed or deeply infatuated with my persona when I was younger. By "no one" I mean no one out of my league maybe? I was not a popular girl, I was the one who is left alone at a party when everyone paired together. And this is probably the core of the problem, I was not the chosen one lol. Some painful unrequited love situations and too much rejection in the past. Who created these "leagues" anyway?
I've been a cute girl! Classic facial features, good skin, beautiful long hair, the higher end of normal by weight so a bit squishy but generally nothing criminal, your usual M size or something. But during my university years or in my early 20s, I had no one who basically wanted to approach me or pursue me. Noone. Yes, I haven't been a confident person (it showed) and I've been quite obsessed with studies and work, but believe me...I was also horribly lonely. Yeah, I've got some stories behind my belt like random wounded older married men in = pursuing a young me... or my first manager trying to organise a date with her not-so-lucky-in-love son. Ah yes, a funny guy from accounting invited me for a drink once to tell me the story of his love life troubles. A popular handsome guy in the Uni having regular lunches with me in order for me to help him with his studies. Charming! It's not hard to understand that's not what a girl wants.
So basically I was a young successful woman with a job, financial freedom, AND a perfectly normal appearance without anyone fancying her. Why?
How did I "manage" to get married? Well, I've accidentally bumped into a nice decent guy who lived thousands of miles away from me and somehow managed to build a relationship with him. But again, he was the shy one and it took some effort to build what I have.
I can't even say why it's bothering me still. I feel so bitter sometimes and aging doesn't help. My DD is the opposite by the way...so confident and popular at school and is completely sure of being nothing but exceptional.
It's quite refreshing to feel bitter about something that is NOT Covid-19!

I'm starting to lose patience a bit. Several posters have given you good questions to ask yourself about why this stuff is bothering you now, and you're basically repeating "people weren't infatuated with me" without any introspection or ever looking to what you might learn about all this.

@ObliviouslyIgnorant
A secure life? Careers have since gone lol so no, I'm screwed like many other people career wise, especially during Covid. But quite happy not to be alone and very grateful to have children.
I wanted to talk basically, a moment of weakness, sorry to make many of you so annoyed.
Thanks, everyone! Have to finally find some confidence though, a bit pathetic I really am)) Honestly, I've made THE mistake of going through my uni pictures and reading my teenage diaries lol
Good night and thanks a lot

You sound utterly vain, completely self-absorbed and entirely lacking in anything more than your Classic facial features, good skin, beautiful long hair

You can't seem to put a coherent thought in place apart from random wanderings about a fella you once fancied.

And you're in your 30's?

Christ, how the other half live!

This one time? I fancied a fella too. He didn't fancy me.

Multiply that by all my fucking life, minus the classic features and gorgeous hair, subtract the good old reliable 'in my league' husband, and you might get your pretty little head into perspective.

Jeez.

Turn it around OP and think of it in a different way. You feel like you weren't as desired as you could have been, so that probably means that you've got less "i can't believe I did that with him" memories - always a plus!

Be careful with this kind of thinking though, because often predatory men can sniff it out a mile away. A little bit of attention, making you feel important, and.... well you know the rest.

You’re married so I don’t really understand what you’re moaning about. I’m single in my 30s and have been for over a decade now, nobody wants me at all and I’m sort of resigned to a life on my own. I’m not even attractive - history of bad skin, overweight etc so you’ve got more on your side than me.

Know when you’re lucky, honestly it’s just self-obsessed and selfish to be upset over this when clearly you have somebody now and gave a family and kids as a result. There are plenty of people who would long for what you have.

I think the problems are within your marriage. Sounds like you want your husband to be infatuated with you, which he should be.

@ObliviouslyIgnorant
I am utterly vain because.... ?? Do you know me personally to declare the fact? Is it prohibited to care about regretting being not desirable in the past? I didn't like myself much and had no idea of being worthy! And yes, guys around me didn't give a ... about me as a person, it was always someone more attractive that's being chosen!
Looking at my pictures now I can yes WTF, there was nothing wrong with me and I had something that is beautiful! Is it THAT annoying?
Ok, internet stranger, forgive me for that. I suppose it is my language that confuses people a bit. It's the third language I communicate so forgive me, maybe I sound a bit weird. Please don't let my post unsettle you somehow. Off for the night regretting posting this nonsense.

Go to bed, love. You’ll feel better tomorrow.

Op, I think you are very brave posting about this on here, you are getting a lot of snide and 'who do you think you are' comments about your appearance, about thinking life is a rom com, and just sucking it up.

I don't hear that at all in what you are saying. It's playing on your mind, probably because you are stuck in a lot and your marriage isn't as romantic as it could be, that you haven't really experienced that romance that you were wondering could have been out there for you in your teens and twenties. You got married, eventually, when you pushed a relationship forward, but you don't feel anyone was pushing it along for you, ever.

I have friends like this, I'm thinking of one in particular, actually she's really attractive, but she just didn't know, as someone else on this thread, how to capitalize on that, and she often got overlooked for less conventionally attractive or more confident friends. That led her to marry basically the first guy who paid her some attention who was not a choice catch, if I'm honest, but she has made a good marriage out of this.

Is it wrong to feel wistful about missing out in your teens and twenties, I think it's normal and fine. I had the opposite, I was not amazing looking, but I have been the object of passion and romance and it's fantastic. Not with losers, not with obsessional stalkers, just lovely lovely guys who decided I was really something. I married one of them and that foundation of him thinking I was really 'it' (and me thinking the same about him) has carried us through a heck of a lot of the storms of marriage. In fact, I wouldn't be prepared to get married without that, because I know myself and I know I do value romance over day to day compatibility, I'm prepared to take more downs to get those highs.

I get the feeling that you do feel like you missed out, I don't think it's obsessive or selfish when you have children to contemplate if life might have taken a different turn. Or to want your own husband to be totally in love with you. Not all the time not in all circumstances, but to feel desired and adored, even just occasionally, is a real experience to have in life.

You posted, you got slaughtered over it, called names, hopefully it has made you think a bit though about how you could get some of this romance into your marriage- how could you create that more romantic experience that you want, or perhaps your thoughts are more about how you could get out and try for it, I don't know. I don't think you are wrong to wonder though.

I read your OP and thought it sounded very like like the narrative of the covert narcissist I knew.

[quote Imquitepathetic]@ObliviouslyIgnorant
I am utterly vain because.... ?? Do you know me personally to declare the fact? Is it prohibited to care about regretting being not desirable in the past? I didn't like myself much and had no idea of being worthy! And yes, guys around me didn't give a ... about me as a person, it was always someone more attractive that's being chosen!
Looking at my pictures now I can yes WTF, there was nothing wrong with me and I had something that is beautiful! Is it THAT annoying?
Ok, internet stranger, forgive me for that. I suppose it is my language that confuses people a bit. It's the third language I communicate so forgive me, maybe I sound a bit weird. Please don't let my post unsettle you somehow. Off for the night regretting posting this nonsense.[/quote]
I already touched on this in my previous post, don't know if you've seen it.

Step away from the idea that you get your worth from what/how other people feel about you. You are who you are regardless. Accept that, look for the things in you that you do like. Are you kind,are you friendly,are you smart,are you funny etc?

Unless you kick puppies or are a secret serial killer, you are worthy of love and respect , and that should come first and foremost from you.

My birth mother dumped me in a hospital at 2 days old and my adoptive mother hated and resented me a lot of the time. I'm still fucking awesome.

When you say "in your 30's" does that mean almost 40? You sound like most of the women I know who went bonkers at 40 and started whining "I have never really lived!!!

Bedtime for you hun, pop the wine down. You're wittling on like a lunatic, you're barely making any sense - quit whilst you're ahead.

Hopefully you'll read this next part tomorrow - I had someone infatuated with me. He was married with 3 kids. He mistook my friendly nature (and after years of self blame and therapy I finally see that's all it was) for a window. From then my life was hell. Suicide threats. Things sent in the post. 27 different social media accounts (so far and still to this day) to track me. I had to move. Change my number - I still don't know how he got it. It has been hell, op. Pure hell. That's infatuation, it's also stalking. Please please think about what you're saying. I wouldn't wish what he did to me on anyone. You have a wonderful settled life. Live in it.

Ignore the nastier posters.
You’re having regrets about your life, and decided to air them.
We all have these I’m sure.

Unfortunately people on Mumsnet can be quite horrible.

Don’t take it to heart.

Take some time to cheer yourself up, these are horrible times.
Try not to dwell on what could have been, and take some time to do/ read/ listen / watch something cheerful, that you love.

You sound like a self indulgent narcissist. Get over yourself. You are happy now. This is what matters ffs. I wish I had your problems

The problem though isn't that her husband is not infatuated with her - it's that he's not out of her league?

@ObliviouslyIgnorant
"This one time? I fancied a fella too. He didn't fancy me.

Multiply that by all my fucking life, minus the classic features and gorgeous hair, subtract the good old reliable 'in my league' husband, and you might get your pretty little head into perspective.

Jeez."

Love this post.

Agree 100%.

OP - I have two close friends who are both gorgeous. One of them is probably one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. She is also very well-educated, very funny, from a wealthy family etc etc - the whole package. Yet she has CONSTANT problems with men, keeps getting her heart broken, men prefer her less attractive friends to settle down with. I think men just think she's high maintenance because of how attractive/perfect she is and are put off by it.

My other best friend is also the whole package looks wise, but despite being very pretty is very very shy and socially awkward. Men only want her for a night and then disappear. She's a lovely girl too, but with very low self-esteem and men sense that.

Looks really aren't everything OP, sorry. And your posts sound completely self-absorbed. Your a grown woman with children. Time to let go some guy who had lunches with you at uni.

I'm gorgeous to my dc. I'm 'Mammy'. Some day OP, being Mammy will mean the world to you.

I've a frizz for a head of hair, often resemble Einstein on a bad day, have freckley skin, smokers wrinkles, am older than the OP, but I've a 'naice' personality. If you catch me on a good day.

I'm in it for a good time, not a long time.

So you've never been prom queen. Neither have I.

Not everyone gets to be Miss Popular! I'm sure you've something good about you!

@ObliviouslyIgnorant

You sound utterly vain, completely self-absorbed and entirely lacking in anything more than your Classic facial features, good skin, beautiful long hair

You can't seem to put a coherent thought in place apart from random wanderings about a fella you once fancied.

And you're in your 30's?

Christ, how the other half live!

And you sound like a nasty bully who enjoys bringing people down.

If you want these feelings to go, start by loving yourself first. Everything else will follow.
Love and value yourself, don’t put your value in events, if and when someone did or didn’t got infatuated with you. Which incidentally, it’s not nice. It’s horrible to feel in the grips of stalking.
You can’t change the past and Hollywood romantic movies are shit. “The Notebook” garbage has a lot to answer for.
And don’t treat your marriage as average, middle-of-the-road, it might be to the outsiders but make it a love story to you and you DH. Be kind to him and ask for the same in return. None of that stereotypical “nagging wife”.

I’ve had a cracking life, I’ve lived in many places, did jobs that offered me an incredible lifestyle, I was fairly good looking but confident and fun so I had some experiences. I even had a Hollywood star (way older that me may I add) chasing me in the streets of Paris. But they all pale into insignificance because above all, I made sure I had the best fun for me and loved me. I’m having a good life and loads of fun because I chose to do so, not because someone decided to call me 1000 times to ask me out. And don’t wait for someone to get you flowers and declare your love. Pick up some, put them on your bedside table and declare your love for your life.
Give it some thought.

I think it’s a pre-menopausal, hormonal, mid life crisis sort of thing. Where you realise that it’s likely around half your life is over and that was probably the best half. You look back wondering at what crossroads you took the wrong path and fancy going back to choose a different one.

At this point in life some of my friends have had affairs, separated, divorced. Some have gone back to college or university. Some go back to work or changed their career. I had another baby (geez that really helped)! Some people seem to drift on through it without too much difficulty. I think this Covid hiatus makes things worse because it’s more difficult to make plans.

I’m sure it will pass OP and if it doesn’t you could think about some counselling or CBT. It’s cheaper and less tiring than the baby!

@Thingsthatgo

I think a lot of it is down to confidence. I am far from conventionally beautiful, but I have always had a lot of attention from men, and women. I have always believed in myself, and I guess that other people enjoy that.

I agree. Without wishing to boast - because it's the truth - I have experienced the same thing all my life, and I'm now in my early 40s.

I'm not classically beautiful - perhaps 'handsome' is a good description - but I think my genuine DGAF attitude and outlier status made, and continues to make me very attractive to certain people.

I've never courted this, and have been very happily with my OH for the better part of 20 years, but it is what it is (although the infatuation stuff isn't all that cool and can actually be quite scary).

OP, you sound bored and in need of an adventure. Start planning something for post-Covid times - travel, writing a book, a new career or similar?

Bloody weird thread.