Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my mum? *TW*

116 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 02/01/2021 08:52

Just had a fall out with my lovely mum, we never argue and shes really upset with me but I'm 100% sure I'm right so hoping for some other opinions to help me see where shes coming from.

Our great uncle is a child abuser. I won't go into any detail but he was never convicted but my auntie says he is, so he is. Noone has ever mentioned this to him directly as my auntie doesn't want that, so its one of those family things noone really talks about. The younger generation would happily cut him off completely but the older ones (his sisters and brothers) still speak to him, and my mums generation think he is vile but are very "keep the peace". There was a big issue years ago when I wouldnt have him at my wedding - my mum and nan asked me to just invite him to keep the peace, and eventually blamed numbers when I refused. Him and his side of the family were both very put out and did a lot of moaning and fb posts about disloyal family. I didnt care but my mum did.

So last night my mum was talking about her landmark birthday end of next year, saying she hoped it would be a chance for a big reunion and the whole family to get together. I said yes, not uncle P though. She said oh well we will have to invite him, sure he won't come. I said you do realise that if he does, I'm not bringing the kids and neither will X,Y or Z (cousins). She said oh don't be ridiculous, hes nearly 90 and in a wheelchair, what do you think hes going to do? I said thats beside the point, I won't have my kids in the same room as a child abuser and I know the others will feel the same. Why would you want that?

Shes now saying she won't have a party at all rather than deal with the fall out of not inviting him. It won't just be him moaning it will be my nan and her other brothers and sister, plus his other daughter and her kids. We cant give the real reason as my auntie doesn't want that. I think we should just say hes not invited because hes a racist (he is) but my mum has spat her dummy out and said she just won't bother and that I'm being too black and white as usual.

Am I? I won't be changing my mind but if people think I am being OTT about it I would like to hear opinions so I can understand my mums side a bit more.

OP posts:
ktp100 · 02/01/2021 20:57

YANBU BUT it's not your party. You have to let your Mum do what she wants to, really.

In fairness she is throwing her toys a bit/laying on the emotional blackmail with the 'I won't have a party then' thing - she's clearly hoping you'll back down so she gets her own way. If she does go ahead I'd be tempted to keep out of it & then pull the family norovirus card on the day. He might not even go, in which case happy days.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 02/01/2021 20:59

@GrumpyHoonMain oh that is actually genius!!! You may have solved it! They hate me already and I'm fine with that so that could be the perfect solution

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 02/01/2021 21:01

Keeping the peace... it was a long time ago now..
leave the past where it belongs...
keeping it in the family because of the shame...
it'll humiliate the victim..
nobody will believe the victim outside the family...

but she was always too friendly sat on his knee...
you look fine now.. you'll be okay just forget about it...

all excuses... designed to protect Abusers

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/01/2021 21:03

[quote ShinyGreenElephant]@GrumpyHoonMain oh that is actually genius!!! You may have solved it! They hate me already and I'm fine with that so that could be the perfect solution[/quote]
Finally my expertise at managing big fat extended families is useful! Hope it works for you Grin

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 02/01/2021 21:04

@Thefrenchconnection1 that will be the venue for my surprise party in case someone spills the beans! Grin

OP posts:
SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 02/01/2021 21:18

I can't understand how your mum thinks it is okay to have her grandchildren around a child abuser, wheelchair or not.

I would be questioning your mum's judgement.

I feel sorry for your aunt and her family not sticking by her.

WorrierorWarrior · 02/01/2021 21:20

I agree that it might be the best way round this for OP to arrange a party for DM and choses who to invite. Go with the gravel surrounded venue and hopefully it will also have loads of stairs.

I thought I saw that the auntie had made a report somewhere but it was not taken further. It is shocking that police and others are so blase about these matters. This is not hearsay I have had personal experience of inappropriate conduct by men being minimised by police and social services. I have seen vigilantes take to the streets. It is scary but the cure would be to take any allegations seriously at police and social service offices

Thefrenchconnection1 · 02/01/2021 21:29

Yey I was useful!

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2021 21:45

@WhatTiggersDoBest

I'm sorry, but it's your mum's party and you're dictating who she can invite?? WTAF?! If you don't like this person, even if someone else told you a thing about them that is socially unacceptable, it's not your decision who someone else invites to their special birthday, and now you've upset your mum so much that she doesn't want the party. How sad. You sound really controlling.
I dont know that paedophilia comes under the heading of 'socially unacceptable', really.
Purplealienpuke · 02/01/2021 22:21

I didn't attend a wedding a few years ago. My DM thought it was because I was skint. I really didn't want to tell her the truth, it wasn't mine to tell. She heard it from the person involved in the end.
Family secrets, no matter how shitty shouldn't be kept forever if these issues keep cropping up imo.
Yanbu, I wouldn't take my children or allow any kids near a nonce, no matter what their age..

Quarantino · 02/01/2021 22:33

[quote Alexandernevermind]@Quarantino you misunderstood me and I feel took me out of context. I said it was hearsay because its second hand information and no accusation has been made or is spoken of. Its a she said she said situation. I did say that I did not want to undermine the severity of the claim, and that I had a friend who went through exactly the same ordeal with life changing consequences.[/quote]
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be harsh. The idea though that people need to go through a court case in order to have an opinion on the right thing to do for this party - I just don't see it. I know what you're getting at but the OP is in a better position to trust her own/her family's opinion on this.

If it was about confronting the uncle or publicising the accusations I'd be more in agreement that there should be more of a concrete basis - although I don't know how.

It's a crap situation whatever.

ChateauMargaux · 02/01/2021 22:34

We have something awful like this in our family. My Mum was raped by her brother when she was a pre teen. This came out recently and our family no longer attend any extended family events because her siblings have refused to do much apart from say 'times were different then'. It feel like we have lost our extended family.

ChateauMargaux · 02/01/2021 22:36

I meant to add.... thank you for supporting your Aunt. It is important that she sees other people avoid being in his presence. To her, he isn't a 90 year old man in a wheelchair, he will always be the man who abused her.

sadcatdiary · 02/01/2021 23:40

YANBU at all, and the sheer ignorance displayed by some here is astounding.

Graphista · 03/01/2021 00:27

@ChateauMargaux is right in thanking you for supporting and believing your aunt too

You have no idea how much it means to be believed

Ginkypig · 03/01/2021 00:39

@ChateauMargaux

I meant to add.... thank you for supporting your Aunt. It is important that she sees other people avoid being in his presence. To her, he isn't a 90 year old man in a wheelchair, he will always be the man who abused her.
This is another important post, there are hundreds of adults who due to the insidious nature of this type of abuse never feel able tell or seek justice or wait for many many years before they disclose to someone but then absolutely do not want anyone to share it or bring it up again.

As an example one of the local organisations took a call from an 86 year old woman two years ago asking if she could receive support for sexual abuse that started when she was 6 years old and this call was the first time she had ever told anyone but she said she didn’t want to die without ever having tried to not feel ashamed and dirty.

I feel very sorry that your aunt doesn’t know how many of you support her (because she hasn’t actually disclosed to anyone) I’m glad you are doing so anyway. You very well might find that once he is dead she will feel safe enough to open up slightly.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page