Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my mum? *TW*

116 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 02/01/2021 08:52

Just had a fall out with my lovely mum, we never argue and shes really upset with me but I'm 100% sure I'm right so hoping for some other opinions to help me see where shes coming from.

Our great uncle is a child abuser. I won't go into any detail but he was never convicted but my auntie says he is, so he is. Noone has ever mentioned this to him directly as my auntie doesn't want that, so its one of those family things noone really talks about. The younger generation would happily cut him off completely but the older ones (his sisters and brothers) still speak to him, and my mums generation think he is vile but are very "keep the peace". There was a big issue years ago when I wouldnt have him at my wedding - my mum and nan asked me to just invite him to keep the peace, and eventually blamed numbers when I refused. Him and his side of the family were both very put out and did a lot of moaning and fb posts about disloyal family. I didnt care but my mum did.

So last night my mum was talking about her landmark birthday end of next year, saying she hoped it would be a chance for a big reunion and the whole family to get together. I said yes, not uncle P though. She said oh well we will have to invite him, sure he won't come. I said you do realise that if he does, I'm not bringing the kids and neither will X,Y or Z (cousins). She said oh don't be ridiculous, hes nearly 90 and in a wheelchair, what do you think hes going to do? I said thats beside the point, I won't have my kids in the same room as a child abuser and I know the others will feel the same. Why would you want that?

Shes now saying she won't have a party at all rather than deal with the fall out of not inviting him. It won't just be him moaning it will be my nan and her other brothers and sister, plus his other daughter and her kids. We cant give the real reason as my auntie doesn't want that. I think we should just say hes not invited because hes a racist (he is) but my mum has spat her dummy out and said she just won't bother and that I'm being too black and white as usual.

Am I? I won't be changing my mind but if people think I am being OTT about it I would like to hear opinions so I can understand my mums side a bit more.

OP posts:
Lookslikerainted · 02/01/2021 12:28

This is going to sound harsh but your mum isn’t lovely she is a peadophile sympathiser.

wheretoyougonow · 02/01/2021 12:30

Please please don't listen to posters on here that say he is not a threat. Age and mobility do not protect children.

Do what you feel comfortable with. I personally would not let my children in a room with even a suspected child abuser.

GetTheStartyParted · 02/01/2021 12:35

Just realised how unclear my post sounds. I would not take my children to the party if I felt it was a risk in anyway. I would ask my mum not to invite Uncle like you have. We do not invite DHs Dad or brother to family events but on the occasions that they are somewhere, we keep our children close and safe rather than letting them drive us away.

illdoitlater · 02/01/2021 12:38

The number of people saying that he should be invited is a depressing example of why people continue to get away with abusing children. I will never understand the wives and family members that continue to defend convicted paedophiles and stand by them or simply pretend it never happened. So what if he's 90, does that make it ok for the victim, no wonder she doesn't want to discuss it when this is how her family behaves. YANBU!

GreySkyClouds · 02/01/2021 12:48

This is confusing. It’s okay to call him out as a racist but not a paedophile? Strange.

Your mother should have her party. Those who want to go will, Jose who don’t won’t. She knows this and can choose whether to invite him or not based on the consequences you’ve told her.

Alexandernevermind · 02/01/2021 12:49

I also agree with @PlanDeRaccordement. Child abuse should never be minimised, but he hasn't actually been accused, it's a case of your cousin said your aunt said, which is hearsay. A friend was in exactly the same position but as the abused, everyone knew what had happened but they just kept the kids away from Grandad. You have an impossible situation where either a child abuser is carrying on with his life as normal, or an innocent old man is shunned by the family. The only fair way for this to be dealt with is through the justice system. Going forward it's up to your mum who is invited, and it's up to you who you speak to and keep the kids away from. I am sorry your family is going through this, its devastating.

sixswans · 02/01/2021 12:55

I think the older generation generally are way too focused on being polite, meanwhile child abuse victims sit there in silence feeling powerless and angry, good for you for sticking up for them. Hardly unreasonable to not want to socialise with a paedophile OP.

Mydogissnooring · 02/01/2021 13:15

Even if he’s 90 and in a wheelchair he shouldn’t even have the right to LOOK at children.

Quarantino · 02/01/2021 13:39

@Alexandernevermind

I also agree with *@PlanDeRaccordement*. Child abuse should never be minimised, but he hasn't actually been accused, it's a case of your cousin said your aunt said, which is hearsay. A friend was in exactly the same position but as the abused, everyone knew what had happened but they just kept the kids away from Grandad. You have an impossible situation where either a child abuser is carrying on with his life as normal, or an innocent old man is shunned by the family. The only fair way for this to be dealt with is through the justice system. Going forward it's up to your mum who is invited, and it's up to you who you speak to and keep the kids away from. I am sorry your family is going through this, its devastating.
Of course it's "hearsay", what are you expecting, dna evidence? You're treating it like family gossip. This is a grown woman gong through therapy who has confided that her father abused her. No-one's carting him off to jail, they're saying on balance they believe enough that they wouldn't attend a party with him there.
Hoppinggreen · 02/01/2021 13:43

I don’t think the fact that he is in a wheelchair so probably physically incapable of abusing a child means it’s ok to invite him
I wouldn’t be in the same room as someone like that with or without my dc

user1471538283 · 02/01/2021 13:45

She can invite whoever's she wants. But I would not go or put my children in that situation. Including him is just saying that what he did was okay, water under the bridge and all that. No

pinkyredrose · 02/01/2021 13:46

Even if he’s 90 and in a wheelchair he shouldn’t even have the right to LOOK at children

Hmm looking at children is a 'right' now ? We don't know that he is an abuser, someone said he is that's all.

OuiOuiKitty · 02/01/2021 14:23

There is similar in dhs family. I am like you, I don't let him in the same room as my children. If there is something happening and he is invited I invent illness or some excuse and me and the children don't attend. I never make a big deal of it, their family their choice but I won't be part of the charade that pretends there isn't a paedo in the room.
I think when it comes to something as delicate as this everyone needs to be allowed to choose where they stand. Dhs family don't mind him so invite him. I do so I avoid. The same goes in your situation. If your mother doesn't mind then she should be able to invite him but you have the right not to have your children attend and not be given grief for it.

Oneearringlost · 02/01/2021 14:28

This is a tricky situation. I think if this were me, I would be sitting back and asking myself some questions, then answering each one as honestly as I could to try and get some balance to both my own feelings and my mother's.

Is this something I can control?

Is this something I want to control?

Is the evidence for the allegations against my great uncle beyond reasonable doubt?

Are my feelings about refusing to go based on a real danger or a visceral revolt based on what others have said?

If it is not a real and present threat, am I shunning him to punish him, as society seems not to have ?

Do I want my mother to have her landmark birthday and do I want to be part of her happiness?

Will my absence from the party, if it goes ahead, upset my mother?

Is it my duty to inform and educate my mother, is it my job?

Is it better to be kind than to be right or vice versa?

Are my actions going to hurt anyone?

CharlotteRose90 · 02/01/2021 14:37

If this was my family I would personally let my mother invite who she wants and then I would decide whether to go or not.

These situations are hard because without a conviction it’s her against him as to what happened. I’m not saying it didn’t happen but you’ve heard from the daughter not the mother so it’s up to you what side you take and that’s your right.

I agree with not having your kids around him just in case but it’s not fair to fall out with your mum. It’s just an allegation to her so she’s done nothing wrong.

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 02/01/2021 14:54

@Graphista & @Ginkypig I just wanted to thank you for your eloquent posts #metoo Flowers

christmasathomeagain · 02/01/2021 14:54

Your mum can invite any abuser she wants. So long as she understands that you won't be going along with her grandchildren. It is her choice.

You are right not to go. I wouldn't go either.

As a child my mum allowed us to be around a convicted paedophile. She thought it was ok Because he was never alone with us and we knew he was dangerous. I was never comfortable around him and as an adult I can't believe my mum would have associated with him.

IEat · 02/01/2021 15:06

So your aunt said he is so you take that as truth. But no one has been to the police so he is still in the community. Irresponsible and dangerous to keep quiet.
What if he isn't but has been tarred with this brush
What if he is and has abused others

Soubriquet · 02/01/2021 15:12

Are we talking sexual abuse or physical abuse?

Why are you going just off your aunts words?

Tbh, I wouldn’t feel comfortable having my children in the same room, but at the same time, he is 90...and in a wheelchair

I would possibly invite him just to keep the peace but make sure my children are fully supervised at all times

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/01/2021 16:10

YABU to dictate to your mum who she can invite to her party, you made your choice at your wedding, you cant force her to do it your way when its her party.

YWNBU to refuse your invitation to the party though and I can understand why you would.

Thedogscollar · 02/01/2021 16:30

@Graphista
Your post is excellent. As a survivor of csa myself I could not have put it more eloquently.
OP go with your gut. This old man in the wheelchair was once a young man who committed the most heinous of crimes. I would not let children in the same room.
For all the apologists out there your opinions are sickening.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 02/01/2021 16:46

The way I see it is - as a parent I have one job and one job only - to protect my children. Ideally I would also like to go to nice events, not hurt my own mum, be polite, live a normal life. But - when it comes down to it - my job is to protect my kids.

Ok - maybe the aunt is lying. And probably the Uncle is unable to abuse children due to being 90 and in a wheelchair.

But maybe she isn’t lying. And maybe he is still able to abuse children. I don’t know. And I’m not willing to take that risk with my children.

steppemum · 02/01/2021 16:55

I find it really interesting that everyone has taken 'Aunite doesn't want us to say anything' and won't break it.

I think the time has come for someone to speak to Auntie! Why is everyone going around getting upset behind everyone else's back?

Everyone is so keen not to upset Auntie that instead the whole family is getting upset.

But in the end, it is your mum's call if she invites him. Not much you can do.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 02/01/2021 17:02

Let your mum get on with her invitations , she deserves to look forward to her own party. Smile and nod and dont get too involved , as others have said, anything may happen by the time it rolls around..including your last minute cancellation due to the whole family coming down with sickness Smile and being unable to attend .
What others decide to do is up to them .

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 02/01/2021 17:43

@steppemum

*I find it really interesting that everyone has taken 'Aunite doesn't want us to say anything' and won't break it.

I think the time has come for someone to speak to Auntie! Why is everyone going around getting upset behind everyone else's back?

Everyone is so keen not to upset Auntie that instead the whole family is getting upset.

But in the end, it is your mum's call if she invites him. Not much you can do.*

Maybe because as the victim it’s entirely her choice if she wishes to talk about it or not. Possibly she’s learnt to live with it by not talking about it. I somewhat successfully managed to minimise what happened to me as a child for decades by pretending it didn’t happen. If someone had tried to talk to me about it I would’ve cut them out of my life for fear they’d bring it up again, to protect myself. That may seem like an OTT reaction to some, but it’s what I would’ve had to do to continue surviving.