DS’s school to teach abstinence education

[Childsschool128]

DS goes to a normal state school but they have sent home a letter saying that their sex ed they will be teaching from next term will include:
-the benefits of having one lifelong monogamous partnership
-the risks of contraceptives
-the dangers of unprotected sex
-the benefits of not having sex in teenage years
-the health risks of sexual promiscuity.
DS is 15 (year 10) and there has never been any indication they were anything other than mainstream in the past. Is this really what is taught in UK schools nowadays DS is my eldest so I have never had to deal with anything like this before.

My girls as primary school students had to do Religious Education. We got books about Evolution, etc, discussed relevant topics, and I got asked to remove my kids from this class as apparently they were 'disruptive'. Just sayin'. . .

Religious Education teaches children about world religions. It teaches tolerance and understanding other people's points of view. It's embarrassing that you are so pleased that your children were disrespectful enough to have to be removed from the class.

The problem with an "am I ready"" discussion is that children don't often want to acknowledge that they aren't actually ready. They might have a nagging doubt in the back of their head, but many just want to put a tick in the box along with "having a drag on a cigarette", "getting drunk" or "bunking off school", all of which are no good for children, I'm sure we would all agree, but they THINK it is just something you do, to get it out the way and that it doesn't have any great consequence, especially if it's fun to feel the temptation and "naughty" aspect. As adults we would counsel AGAINST those other things, so why is it wrong to tell children NOT to have sex?

@GlummyMcGlummerson it says risks of contraception, not dangers

@CurlyhairedAssassin my rule of thumb is, when (and it is rare) a pupil asks for advice on if they're ready, I tell them if they're having doubts enough to approach another person for advice then no they aren't. I also try to coax out of them if they're being pressured (they always are) and talk further about healthy relationship and consent. I did once make a safeguarding referral following a disclosure that particularly worried me after this kind of discussion.

@zaphodbeeble you are right. I think I need to go to bed (or perhaps read OP's properly ). It's been a shit day

Personally I'm also of the opinion that if a child feels like they need to have a discussion with an adult about whether they're ready or not, that they aren't actually ready.

x post!

the benefits of having one lifelong monogamous partnership
the benefits of not having sex in teenage years

These two are pretty subjective. Are they also addressing the other side of the coin? If not, I’m not sure why they’re being taught in school. I like good healthy discussion, but not indoctrination. What next, “the benefits of love of God?” “The benefits of the traditional nuclear family”?

@CurlyhairedAssassin yes exactly, I always think and say this. But I also emphasise that coming for advice was the right thing to do. I suspect they just wanted confirmation from an adult that they aren't ready

Does it really say "the risks of contraceptives"? That doesn't sound good. I'd hope they would mention they're not 100% proof but if it's part of trying to scare teens from having sex it could have some bad consequences.

I disagree with the one person stance though . Abstainence until you find a suitable partner and when you have the maturity to deal with all the possible outcomes of a sexual relationship.

As adults we would counsel AGAINST those other things, so why is it wrong to tell children NOT to have sex?

I think swaying too hard in either direction of "Have as much sex as you can!" and "Never have sex until you're married!" both isolate teenagers and create pressure.

There needs to be a discussion around what "being ready" means. To me that means;

1. Understanding all of the physical and emotional risks surrounding sex (STDS, pregnancy, abortion, regret, sexual trauma, social stigma as a few examples etc)
2. Being with a partner who is respectful and supportive, and who would make mature decisions if there was a resulting pregnancy
3. Having confidence in your decision to lose your virginity, and understanding how to say no and what consent actually is (e.g. "Yes means Yes" rather than "No Means No").

I think there is a natural period of seeking out experimentation, like sex and cigarettes as some of the examples you've mentioned, but repressing these things doesn't work. You need to build a strong and trustworthy relationship where your child can trust you, provide your child with all of the information given to make informed consent, and try and teach them about self-respect and making choices for themselves. Obviously this is not a simple thing to do, but I don't think dissuading teens from having sex does much other than increasing the risk it will be unsafe.

I went to a Catholic school and this is what we were taught. Though contraception was not taught at all. Sitting in on a lesson about it when I was a student nurse was quite an eye opener!

Sounds fine to me .there is a health risk to the pil and coil blood clots that kind of thing so if that's what they teaching that's accurate unprotected sex another health hazard .if they teaching it's good not to feel pressured into sex in teenage years that's also fine .ideally from a health point of view the fewer partners the better no sure how realistic this is in todays society but from a health point these things seem ok .

@covidaintacrime yes absolutely.

I always do the cringey teacher thing if "as an experienced adult who has been with people I cared little for and people I trusted and adored, the latter is always without doubt the better experience and is worth the wait". And I actually mean it. It probably makes their toes curl but like you say finding a balance that doesn't scare them is hard to strike,

Is there a special “Xenia” subsection of Classics because if so this must be put in it

“Sounds like a good idea. I graduated aged 20 i law a teetotal virgin with law prizes. Paid off for me big time!”

@ineedaholidaynow

I assume the risks of contraception is that it is not 100% foolproof

And that certain types do not protect from STD's.

I always do the cringey teacher thing if "as an experienced adult who has been with people I cared little for and people I trusted and adored, the latter is always without doubt the better experience and is worth the wait". And I actually mean it.

I'm not a teacher but I think about that quite a lot for myself (as strange as it sounds). Abstinence should absolutely be presented as an option, probably more than it is currently, but I don't think making choices for young people helps them develop self sufficiency and bodily autonomy. They need to learn to want to have (or not have) sex for themselves and their partners, with everything that entails.

You sound like a fab teacher!

Glummy - I really don't think it is a good idea for you to be discussing your own private life with students.

I really don't think it is a good idea for you to be discussing your own private life with students.

I think there's a line - saying "I shagged Jim down the road the other week and it was a bit shit" probably crosses it, but offering polite and non-specific advice like saying "Sex is better when you care for your partner" is just a (generally) true piece of information.

Aw thank you @covidaintacrime

What I want to say is "I was a proper slapper at Uni, the after effects of being a CSA survivor and also societal pressure to sew wild oats, I made some fucking stupid decisions and chlamydia caught up with me. One night stand sex is shit as he doesn't know or care about you, wait til you find someone you can trust who cares that you have good sex. Trust me". But I would probably get complaints

@singsingbluesilver

Glummy - I really don't think it is a good idea for you to be discussing your own private life with students.

It's hardly sharing private details of my life, it's about life experience. No different on giving advice about travelling. Sex cannot be a rabbi subject in sex education. The pupils aren't stupid they know I'm not a Virgin and I won't pretend to be.

@DameFanny

Why are businesses being sacrificed?

Have you not been paying attention? Whole industries are being closed to keep schools open

*taboo not rabbi

What I want to say is "I was a proper slapper at Uni, the after effects of being a CSA survivor and also societal pressure to sew wild oats, I made some fucking stupid decisions and chlamydia caught up with me. One night stand sex is shit as he doesn't know or care about you, wait til you find someone you can trust who cares that you have good sex. Trust me". But I would probably get complaints grin

Well that's awfully relatable, Glummy I'll be honest . There is so much pressure to "sow your wild oats" as you've put it, which I think is often compounded with a shitty homelife (which I had also). Often sexual self harm and being "free" can get unnecessarily correlated which is obviously very damaging.

I do wish there was a way to get that point across to a younger generation, without instilling the same regret, bitterness or fear that I experienced. I don't have children but I'm going to work really hard to instil my potential future DC with the confidence to talk to me (and hopefully trust me) so they can avoid these situations. That's part of the reason why I think abstinence should be taught, at least in the context of "waiting until you trust & like yourself enough to make the decision that's right for you." Sex is so complicated at any age, let alone piling on peer pressure and insecurity and potential impulsivity.