Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Advice needed ASAP. Who was unreasonable.

88 replies

DaffodilsAndDandelions · 01/01/2021 17:22

My partner called our 2yo a twat. This was in anger and quite aggressively shouted. 2yo was on his shoulders at the time and had just accidentally hit him in the face with a stick.
I immediately tried to remove 2yo from his shoulders as I didn't want him in that situation. I couldn't as partner is stronger than me and I won't enter a tug of war with my son in the middle. Argument carried on for ages with him calling me all sorts of names and me getting upset and angry too. Lots of wrong doing on both sides for sure. I definitely felt threatened when he kept standing in front of me trying to walk away (once I had been given my son again). Kept pulling on my coat/arms and threw the dog lead at a wall. I said that I accepted we needed to talk but infront of the children (7yo DSS was with us too) was not the time and we should just look for the lead and the dog who had run off by this time.
I over heard partner saying lots of unkind things about me to his eldest son which I just ignored.
I know I saw red when he insulted our 2yo as no parent should ever use language like that too their child. I should probably have let it go but he made me so mad. I told him I felt threatened and didn't trust him not to smack 2yo which isn't strictly true as I don't think he would smack the toddler for an accident. He does however threaten the 7yo and has been known to follow through when pushed and pushed right to the limit. Never hard, more along the lines of daddy has told you 27 times to stop shrieking gibberish and warned you of consequences attention grabbing smack through clothes.

Don't know what I'm asking really. He's gone out until after 2yo bedtime I think. I don't know where or when he'll be back exactly.

OP posts:
WouldstrokeTomHardy · 01/01/2021 17:27

Your DH is an abusive bastard. Have my first LTB

Dreahil1 · 01/01/2021 17:28

Hi OP. When you attempted to remove your Son did your partner basically refuse you from getting your child down from his shoulders?

Personally I think you have to be cautious as it’s not your Sons dad. I don’t know if I continue with someone like that calling my child a twat. It was an accident on your Sons part and he’s 2.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/01/2021 17:30

Your partner is horrible, and I think you've been glossing over his behaviour for quite a long time. Take the blinders off.

DreamingInColours · 01/01/2021 17:31

I feel so sorry for the kids in this situation.
He was out of order for what he did initially. Does be have form for this? I appreciate it can be painful and a nasty shock when our kids hit us and a profanity might get shouted. However, this shouldn't be directed AT the 2 year old :/

MinervaSaidThar · 01/01/2021 17:32

I think the use of the word 'twat' when hit in the face isn't too bad, but his subsequent aggressive behavior to you was definitely abusive.

Can you clarify what he does to DSS, sorry? Does he smack him or pull him by the clothes?

I wouldn't want to be with this man, OP, it sounds frightening.

CaptainMyCaptain · 01/01/2021 17:32

Not a nice man. Ltb.

AvoidingRealHumans · 01/01/2021 17:33

Yabu for putting up with this

ChestnutStuffing · 01/01/2021 17:33

Hmm. TBH unless there was more to it I would not "attempt to remove" the child in that situation.

I agree that it wasn't an ideal comment, however it is that kind of sudden and unexpected and almost sharp pain that tends to cause that sort of exclamation before one''s better judgement gets a chance to kick in. And I don't think it's actually that harmful if it's confined to those sorts of situations. Not harmful at all even, I would be surprised if they even were memorable.

The subsequent disagreement and exchanges were probably far more of note to the child. Your partner's reaction there seems more concerning, OTOH I don't have a very good sense of what exactly it was you were doing or saying to him, so difficult to judge.

Lemonpiano · 01/01/2021 17:34

The man hits children. Why is he still your partner?

glitterfarts · 01/01/2021 17:34

Any "man" who swears at a 2 year old is an abusive sick with anger issues. I'd take your child and leave before it gets worse.

Melonportal · 01/01/2021 17:34

You already know who was unreasonable. He sounds awful. I wouldn't want him anywhere near me.

sadpapercourtesan · 01/01/2021 17:37

I'd be vastly less concerned about one shouted obscenity in response to sudden pain than I would about the fact that he hits his 7yo. I couldn't condone that by being with him and not constantly objecting to it. It's wrong. And unless you plan to hit yours, there's going to be a permanent, horrible dissonance between you and between your children as they grow up. Do you really want your child to witness that behaviour from his stepfather as he develops? Don't you think he will want to question it, if you plan on teaching him that hitting people is wrong?

Total deal-breaker for me. Not to mention that a man who hits people smaller than himself is a repulsive turn-off.

LuaDipa · 01/01/2021 17:38

He swore at a 2 y/o, smacks his 7 y/o and said unkind things about you to his child. You know this is wrong.

Minky37 · 01/01/2021 17:39

Sounds like it’s 100% your partners fault. He sounds aggressive and abusive.

BillyIsMyBunny · 01/01/2021 17:59

Is this what you want for your son? A father who swears at him and calls him names, threatens him and will graduate to smacking him in the future? Is what you want him to learn about relationships that parents argue like this, that it’s okay to shout and swear throw objects and be physical with your partner by grabbing them or using physical strength to block them? Do you want him to be stuck in the middle with his Dad saying rude/ unkind things to him about you after every argument? Everything your DSS is being subjected to and witnessing will be your son within the next 5 years.

You need to leave this abusive excuse for a man ASAP, how he treats you and his children is not okay.

TORDEVAN · 01/01/2021 18:03

The hitting the child does it for me. Let alone the swearing. Sounds like he lacks self control. I wouldn't have my child around him.

D4rwin · 01/01/2021 18:05

There's a reason why you have a step child. His previous partner obviously saw sense.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 01/01/2021 18:07

I would be putting his ex in the know about the abuse of her dc...
And I would be phoning the police if he tried to get back into the house..

Freddiefox · 01/01/2021 18:09

I think the standing in front of you is the worst part. Stopping you moving, this was in public? I wonder what he’s like at home.

Do you walk in egg shells op?

WalkingOnStarshine · 01/01/2021 18:10

I think shouting twat in response to being whacked is no big deal. He could have been less aggressive to you however.

I also think if the 7yo is his son and that's how he wants to discipline him, it seems quite normal.

babycakes1010 · 01/01/2021 18:14

Why are you still with this prick...get rid!

Godimabitch · 01/01/2021 18:16

Swears at a 2 year old and hits a 7 year old. Speaks horribly to you grabs you and throws things in anger. Yeah, doesn't sound like a great man tbh.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 01/01/2021 18:18

He sounds like an angry man and they don't make good husbands or fathers.

DrDavidBanner · 01/01/2021 18:20

Well he's a dick with anger management issues isn't he? Or is that just with people smaller than him?

And yes, talk to the ex and maybe even do a Claire's Law check. Seriously its not normal behaviour.

LagunaBubbles · 01/01/2021 18:20

Your poor child getting brought up in this environment.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.