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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Advice needed ASAP. Who was unreasonable.

88 replies

DaffodilsAndDandelions · 01/01/2021 17:22

My partner called our 2yo a twat. This was in anger and quite aggressively shouted. 2yo was on his shoulders at the time and had just accidentally hit him in the face with a stick.
I immediately tried to remove 2yo from his shoulders as I didn't want him in that situation. I couldn't as partner is stronger than me and I won't enter a tug of war with my son in the middle. Argument carried on for ages with him calling me all sorts of names and me getting upset and angry too. Lots of wrong doing on both sides for sure. I definitely felt threatened when he kept standing in front of me trying to walk away (once I had been given my son again). Kept pulling on my coat/arms and threw the dog lead at a wall. I said that I accepted we needed to talk but infront of the children (7yo DSS was with us too) was not the time and we should just look for the lead and the dog who had run off by this time.
I over heard partner saying lots of unkind things about me to his eldest son which I just ignored.
I know I saw red when he insulted our 2yo as no parent should ever use language like that too their child. I should probably have let it go but he made me so mad. I told him I felt threatened and didn't trust him not to smack 2yo which isn't strictly true as I don't think he would smack the toddler for an accident. He does however threaten the 7yo and has been known to follow through when pushed and pushed right to the limit. Never hard, more along the lines of daddy has told you 27 times to stop shrieking gibberish and warned you of consequences attention grabbing smack through clothes.

Don't know what I'm asking really. He's gone out until after 2yo bedtime I think. I don't know where or when he'll be back exactly.

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 01/01/2021 19:07

LTB. He is appalling and extremely immature with it.

(I have to say I didn't know 'twat' was on the bad word list)

Weirdlynormal · 01/01/2021 19:08

Twat has always been a swear word Confused

Weirdlynormal · 01/01/2021 19:09

What do people think that means?!

GoldenRainbow · 01/01/2021 19:09

Is twat a swear word now?

Erm, does it make any difference when it is being yelled aggressively at a 2yo?? Who cares what he said FFS.

Buttercup54321 · 01/01/2021 19:12

New Year. New start. He sounds horrible. Get rid and concentrate on your own happiness and your childrens safety xx

TheOneLeggedJockey · 01/01/2021 19:12

Gosh OP, this really isn’t OK.

And I’m sure I’ll get piled on, but you knew what sort of father he was like, with his children from a previous relationship.

I just can’t fathom why people insist on ignoring such obvious red flags.

He doesn’t sound like a good partner, father, hell, he doesn’t sound like a good man.

I’d be outta there.

SunshineCake · 01/01/2021 19:14

Oh come off it. Everyone knows twat is a horrible word

@DaffodilsAndDandelions what are you going to do? There is no point making good choices if some of them are shit.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 01/01/2021 19:15

I said there's two of them in it...

Yes, I know what you said, what you minimised and what you glossed over.

ktp100 · 01/01/2021 19:16

And your 7yo witnessed all this??!!

Sorry but you need to remove your children from this environment. It is in no way normal or acceptable.

If my OH ever acted this way he'd be out the door real quick.

Fuck that.

thosetalesofunexpected · 01/01/2021 19:18

Op Take the rose tinted glasses off
You have been wearing them way too looong !
Your husband is Abusive Prick !

He often emotionally abuses you.!!
Your husband Trashes you verbally to your eldest child behind your back.!!

There is no excuse for him mistreating you like this.!
He knows what he is doing.!

TornadoOfSouls · 01/01/2021 19:27

I think there is a difference between 'swearing' accidentally when you're smacked in the face by a toddler and aggressively swearing at a 2yo.

I agree 100% with this.

The situation is very worrying. Do you know/get on with his ex, does she know he hits their child? Do you know why they split? Because he certainly seems abusive.

Regularsizedrudy · 01/01/2021 19:31

He’s abusing your children

Regularsizedrudy · 01/01/2021 19:36

I’ve been hit by children both accidentally and on purpose, I have somehow managed to not call any of them a twat. Jesus why is the bar so low for these men.
Also throwing the dog lead? He sounds like a brat.

Vates · 01/01/2021 19:37

He sounds like scum and no I am not being unreasonable. I am a socially inept creature but even when my 3 year old Nephew does something dickish I wouldn't swear or shout at him (unless he literally was trying to start a fire or running with knife!). They are children, they are learning. You stop them, correct them or do (non abusive) punishment. If you want to remain number 1 in your world then don't have kids. He's a grade A knobhead!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 01/01/2021 19:38

@Nochangeplease

Is twat a swear word now?
Google is your friend here.... But yes.
GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 01/01/2021 19:47

Feel desperately sorry for your DSs

Eckhart · 01/01/2021 19:50

Leave. Yesterday.

Your abusive relationship is affecting your children and that should be your first priority. You should be your next priority, and you are clearly not happy or even comfortable with this man.

What makes you think you should have 'let it go' when he called your 2 year old a twat? What else do you 'let go'? It's time to put your foot down.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 01/01/2021 19:51

You're letting him abuse the children. Stop it.

mam0918 · 01/01/2021 20:00

the language doesnt bother me (Im sure I have probably called my child a tawt under my breath at least once) but the agression would not sit with me though, if hes hitting the other child (smacking IS hitting) and losing his temper, being dominering, throwing things etc... then he shouldnt be around children, he doesnt sound stable.

supersplodge · 01/01/2021 20:00

I don't like the language but the initial incident doesn't sound too major - I would just have said 'please can we not use words like that around a two year old?'.

The rest sounds awful!!

daisyjgrey · 01/01/2021 20:08

I might also have called the toddler a twat as a knee jerk response to being hit quite hard in the face with a stick to be honest.

But the rest is bollocks, he's a dick. And if he laid a hand on my child I'd drag his body through a wood.

Hankunamatata · 01/01/2021 20:24

I don't think either of you covered yourself in glory.

I would have probably sworn if my child hit me in the face with a stick. The you tried to grab the child off his shoulders like your dp is some form of child abuser?? Then you had a tug of war with the 2 year old which you win then walk off while dp tries to talk to you.

It doesn't sound like the healthiest relationship if you dont feel you can trust your dp with his own child

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 01/01/2021 20:25

Why are you with him? I feel sorry for the kids

nimbuscloud · 01/01/2021 20:26

Make sure you don’t have another child with him. Is your stepson’s mother aware of how her child is treated by his dad?

ilikemethewayiam · 01/01/2021 20:28

Who accidentally swears at anyone? We can all control the language that comes out of our mouths! I would never swear in front of a small child what ever the reason. My toddler son accidentally poked, tripped me, threw things scratched me at one point or another whilst playing with his toys. However, he was a really tender, sweet soul and would have balled his eyes out if I’d sworn or named called him. I couldn’t bare to see that in his eyes.

Your DP is nasty and abusive OP! What you describe breaks my heart. The thought of a fully grown man acting in such an intimidating and threatening way to, or in front of your defenceless children sickens me. Behaving that way to you is also vile. I think you know he is abusive but are minimising the behaviour. You really need to rethink your relationship for your sake and the sake of your poor children. They have no choice in this. You are responsible for protecting your children from him.

Read:

why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft

The verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans

Stalking the soul by Marie-France Hirigoyen

Contact

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