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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Advice needed ASAP. Who was unreasonable.

88 replies

DaffodilsAndDandelions · 01/01/2021 17:22

My partner called our 2yo a twat. This was in anger and quite aggressively shouted. 2yo was on his shoulders at the time and had just accidentally hit him in the face with a stick.
I immediately tried to remove 2yo from his shoulders as I didn't want him in that situation. I couldn't as partner is stronger than me and I won't enter a tug of war with my son in the middle. Argument carried on for ages with him calling me all sorts of names and me getting upset and angry too. Lots of wrong doing on both sides for sure. I definitely felt threatened when he kept standing in front of me trying to walk away (once I had been given my son again). Kept pulling on my coat/arms and threw the dog lead at a wall. I said that I accepted we needed to talk but infront of the children (7yo DSS was with us too) was not the time and we should just look for the lead and the dog who had run off by this time.
I over heard partner saying lots of unkind things about me to his eldest son which I just ignored.
I know I saw red when he insulted our 2yo as no parent should ever use language like that too their child. I should probably have let it go but he made me so mad. I told him I felt threatened and didn't trust him not to smack 2yo which isn't strictly true as I don't think he would smack the toddler for an accident. He does however threaten the 7yo and has been known to follow through when pushed and pushed right to the limit. Never hard, more along the lines of daddy has told you 27 times to stop shrieking gibberish and warned you of consequences attention grabbing smack through clothes.

Don't know what I'm asking really. He's gone out until after 2yo bedtime I think. I don't know where or when he'll be back exactly.

OP posts:
InMulieribus · 01/01/2021 20:33

@WouldstrokeTomHardy

Your DH is an abusive bastard. Have my first LTB
Have mine, too.
Keha · 01/01/2021 20:34

My dad is a swearer and if something suddenly hurt him he would probably say something like that, but he wouldn't mean anything by it, he just uses very colourful language (not that this is fine but he's he wouldn't hurt a fly). I also think trying to grab a child off someone's shoulders could be quite dangerous. So to me it seems this situation escalated very quickly and unpleasantly. You dont say what you said to him so I think it's hard to tell who made the situation escalate and whether this was both of you. Either way, this doesn't sound like a great relationship. I don't think it's acceptable to hit a child as a threat, even lightly and that would probably be relationship breaker for me.

Consciousdonkey · 01/01/2021 20:37

Completely unacceptable. Please don't collude with this behaviour by staying with this man. You need to protect your 2 year old.

partyatthepalace · 01/01/2021 20:41

Calling a toddler a twat is nasty but it’s the rest of your post that’s a real worry.

This is a man who refuses to give your toddler to you when he’s to angry to manage parenting, uses his physical size to block and intimate you, throws things in anger, criticises you to your step child, and has stormed out of the house you don’t know where... plus swears at you and smacks his 7 year old.

The tone of your posts suggests this has been going on for ages. Unless your DP is preferred to do some immediate anger management and relationship counselling, then you need to make immediate plans to move on because this is going to get worse not better.

captainprincess · 01/01/2021 20:42

He sounds vile and I really hope he doesn't take temper out on the dog, sounds like he might though if he treats his children like that Sad

Tumblebugsjump · 01/01/2021 20:48

He's not a nice guy.

N4ish · 01/01/2021 20:51

If he hits his 7 year old he’s going to hit your DS too at some point. You’ll have to decide if you’re going to allow that to happen.

Personally I couldn’t be with a grown man who hits small children.

Oldhabitsarehardtobreak · 01/01/2021 21:01

I should probably have let it go

Why on earth would you?!
Awful, bad enough the way he treats his older child. Fast forward 5 years to when your DS is 7, do you think he will hit him or just continue with swearing and speaking aggressively?
why would you want to be with someone who is going to treat children in this way?

Jaxinthebox · 01/01/2021 21:05

such a worrying post. I think its awful behaviour. I wouldnt let this go, it would be the end for me Im afraid.

StrippedFridge · 01/01/2021 21:11

A reactive exclamation, not ideal but OK. A mild smack in extremis, also not ideal but OK.

Throwing things, shouting, blocking your exit, bad mouthing you to his 7yo, all very much not OK.

In a normal couple your attempt to rapidly forcibly remove your toddler from his shoulders would be weird. I guess you are not a normal couple though. You are afraid of what a monster he can be so you moved fast to try to get your toddler out of danger. Didn't work did it?

Do you have plans to leave him? Have you compared notes with the ex? Was it when DSS was a toddler that his ex started planning her exit?

Isthisit22 · 01/01/2021 21:12

If he hits his 7 year old, then he will hit your child too. Is that OK with you?

Lady089 · 01/01/2021 21:14

He has poor anger and conflict skills. I really do think his behaviour is appalling and I don’t think he’s a good, positive role model for your son either. I don’t know if I could move on from this to be honest. I hope you’re ok Flowers

zaffa · 01/01/2021 21:14

I decided YANBU at your first line. DH would not call DD a twat and I wouldn't accept it if he did.
You should really consider if you want to raise a child with this man

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