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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let her fail her GCSEs

195 replies

Newpuppymummy · 01/01/2021 13:34

My 15 year old (y11) is doing basically no revision. She’s laying about doing whatever she wants despite all my best efforts to motivate and help her.

I have offered to sit with her, help make a written plan is, help test her r on things and she’s just not interested and resists everything.

Part of me feels like I want this more than her. I don’t know whether my best option is just to leave her to it and learn the lesson that you have to put work into things to get good results. This goes against my normal parenting strategies but I am at a loss with her.

OP posts:

Ginfordinner · 03/01/2021 17:46

It could well be me that’s that wrong. When I went to 6th form they did all GCSEs as retakes

We could retake O levels in 6th form when I was at school. I retook chemistry and jumped up two grades.

I wonder if 6th form colleges will review GCSEs retakes given that so many students have missed so much education. The knock on effect for universities is unthinkable if students have missed so much A level content. Will 3 year degree courses have to change to 4 years?

eeek88 · 03/01/2021 17:50

What happens if you ask her the same question you've asked us, ie. 'What am I supposed to do, let you fail? Damage our relationship trying to get you to pass? Or do everything within my power to make sure you get the best results possible, so that you have more options later in life?'

If she says you should just let her fail, ask whether she'll thank you for this in years to come or whether she'll wish you nagged and annoyed her about it more.

I did well in school exams because I went to a very academic school that kept the pressure on, and there was strong peer pressure to excel academically, which worked for me. But it was catastrophic for some of my peers, and eating disorders/ mental health problems were rife. A lot of them have turned into highly qualified and deeply fucked up adults.

At uni and for the next couple of years I lost all my ambition and work ethic, just wanted to do the minimum I could to get by. I was dealing with the after effects of some trauma which took a few years to process and I think it took the edge off my ambition. Ultimately the only thing that cause my 'drive' to return was realising that I never want to pull another pint, wipe another bum or do another nightshift ever again. I kept collecting these 'never agains' until I fell into a line of work I enjoyed.Having the grades to give me this choice was really helpful.

NotMeekNotObedient · 03/01/2021 17:50

My DH was like that as a teen and in retrospect wished he taken his exams more seriously, he said he wishes his parents had been harder on him.

Agree...
Speak to teachers and get them to encourage her.
Turn off internet for study time.
A how to study book - CGP do one www.cgpbooks.co.uk/secondary-books/gcse/revision-tips/xhr41-how-to-revise-for-gcse-study-skills-planner
Could you arrange a call with the school careers office and prompt her to think about what university courses/career she would be interested in (and what grades she will need for that). They could also talk about potential work experience placements for when covid calms.

Ginfordinner · 03/01/2021 18:14

There was a post recently from someone who had no support at home when studying. She did manage to get a degree and a post grad degree eventually, but she regretted not being able to take her GCSEs/A levels/degree at the same time as her peers.

LittleStepsDaily · 05/01/2021 12:54

I had spoken to my dd lots of times about not achieving, and esp this year when exams may well be cancelled and the mocks relied upon for final grades - none of it made a difference.

But one day we went out for a drive and I managed to get "lost" on the way back and ended up in some of the rougher estates. That really got her noticing the difference between the life we work hard for and the life she may well end up in if she doesnt bother her arse. Obviously we spoke about how some people are unfortunate and can end up there through no fault of their own, and others are happy to do so. But all her dreams of travelling to fancy places and having a bigger house than we do seemed to drop in to place and she has steadily studied since.
Ill be honest, I didnt drive around some of the nicer council estates etc because that wouldnt have helped my point. I wanted to illustrate a certain point and it seems so far to have worked

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 05/01/2021 15:53

I am in exactly the same boat with my 15 year old. I am so disappointed with DS but as with you there is literally nothing more I can do. Since your initial post there has been an announcement that GCSES are likely to be cancelled however BTECS are still going ahead this month and he has 2 of those that he still needs to study for yet refuses to! Another frustrated mum. Good Luck x

LadyTrishT · 21/01/2022 22:02

I completely sympathise. The pandemic has had a huge impact on my ds motivation. He’s doing GCSEs this year too. I’m just doing what we can to encourage him to revise a little bit each day. He’s got some more mocks in March so hopefully that will help him to focus. I’m just letting him know that whatever happens, there’s always options.

AliveAndSleeping · 21/01/2022 22:04

If she refuses to prepare I'm not sure eat else you can do. All the best. Hopefully she is better prepared than you think.

3Daddy31982 · 21/01/2022 22:25

I own one of these workshy teens. I personally worked my backside off. I went to GCSE Maths revision classes after school everyday for a flipping month. I got ridiculed by other kids and the teacher. I passed.

3Daddy31982 · 21/01/2022 22:26

As a teacher, do nothing. She will fail. She will learn.

HippeePrincess · 21/01/2022 22:30

No one revises for mocks, hell I didn’t revise for the real deals. Turned out fine.

3Daddy31982 · 21/01/2022 22:34

@BluebellsGreenbells

If she doesn't pass them, she can go to college next year and do them in a much better setting in a better situation

The college will be full of teens wanting resists. They’ll be massively reduced places as the select those most likely to pass.

Same with university’s who have upped the grades due to those having a gap year.

I work in FE - most colleges only offer GCSE English and Maths

purpletrees16 · 21/01/2022 22:53

How good are you at GCSEs - could you mark a past paper? I’d bribe her to sit her worst subject past paper (you’ll have to confirm the sections of the course she hasn’t done yet in advance) and then mark it of the mark scheme. You’ll get this wrong but you’ll get somewhere - that way you can see if she’s going to fail or scrape by. It can depend on the person for GCSE some kids will do nothing but get 8 and even 9s and some kids will work so hard and barely pass.

3Daddy31982 · 21/01/2022 23:26

@Ginfordinner

It could well be me that’s that wrong. When I went to 6th form they did all GCSEs as retakes

We could retake O levels in 6th form when I was at school. I retook chemistry and jumped up two grades.

It's mainly GCSE English and Maths in schools and FE. Idk y

Hankunamatata · 21/01/2022 23:33

My parents dragged me though my GCSE revision and I'm so grateful as did well, set me up for life. They said right A levels are up to you and fell flat on my face, resat and made university. I think if you can do everything you can to get kids though GCSE then everything can work itself after that

NoRaceInThisHorse · 21/01/2022 23:35

You can encourage her, but ultimately it's down to her to put the work in.
Back off a bit and tell her if she wants help to come to you.

theworstjobIeverhad · 22/01/2022 00:36

leave her to it. falling flat on your arse due to bone idleness can be one of the best lessons you ever learn in life

Spiderysummer · 22/01/2022 07:03

I did push my teen into revision, I sat with her and we did it together. She did nowhere near enough as I would have done but there's only so far we could push it. She always wanted to go out with friends so we would do some revision and then she'd go out, it was used as a bargaining chip. She did better than expected in her results but nothing amazing.

When it can to A levels, I realised she couldn't be bothered to put in any work, but I wasn't going to put myself in the same position again as it was mentally exhausting and I realised, she needed to learn the lesson and consequences of not working. She dropped out and left school.

Looking back, she has said she is glad we pushed her in her gcses because it meant she got an apprenticeship which led to NVQ 3, in which she worked really hard to achieve. She's doing well at work and doesn't regret not going to university as she is paid well.

I think if you can at least get her passes in her gcses that would be worth a lot but it's tough on the whole family and might be impossible in your situation. Don't for a minute think pushing revision was ever an easy option, it was hell at times and we had to back off more than we would have liked. It's a balancing act. You may feel she needs to learn her lesson in life now as in the future she may come back to exams again. All teenagers are different!

easyluckyfree · 22/01/2022 07:17

I didn’t really revise for my GCSEs and came out with excellent grades (other than maths but I genuinely was actually quite shit at that). I had to retake one physics module and revised loads for the resit, and it led to me getting an A in science. My dad also said that if I got X number of grades (can’t remember) he’d take me to Reading festival to see a band I really wanted to see as none of my friends were going.

For my AS levels my parents bribed me to revise. Only small things like a nail varnish etc, but it did incentivise me and I am glad, although I reckon I would have revised anyway.

In art college, I did fuck all and then when I got to university I did as little work as I could get away with and had a complete breakdown in third year. So really, I don’t know what the best option is. It’s only since working full time and then doing my PGCE when I was 25 that I actually have learned to self motivate.

BigYellowHat · 22/01/2022 07:28

My DS was exactly the same. Wouldn’t revise or do anything despite us sitting with him for hours trying to get him to even look at a book. He would defiantly stare out the window! In the end we gave up and let him crash and burn which was hard. He got the biggest shock ever on GCSE results day when he flunked every single one as he’d been bragging telling me he was going to get level 5 and 6 on most things (yeah right) Anyway, that brought him to his senses, he resat at college and passed. Now, he’s training as an electrician but his goal in his mid twenties is to be a paramedic.

She’ll get there in her own time OP.

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