To let her fail her GCSEs

[Newpuppymummy]

My 15 year old (y11) is doing basically no revision. She’s laying about doing whatever she wants despite all my best efforts to motivate and help her.

I have offered to sit with her, help make a written plan is, help test her r on things and she’s just not interested and resists everything.

Part of me feels like I want this more than her. I don’t know whether my best option is just to leave her to it and learn the lesson that you have to put work into things to get good results. This goes against my normal parenting strategies but I am at a loss with her.

I was offered money on a sliding scale for an A B or C grade. That helped me.

I didn’t earn much pocket money as my family werent rich so the offer of a few extra quid made me totally ramp up my studies as I’d never had much spare money and I knew they must be serious about me doing well or they wouldn’t have offered me the thing they didn’t have much of. So I tried to do them proud. Got four A a B and a C. Happy ending.

Some will say that’s a bad idea yada yada, but in future work (in a job) = reward (pay).

So I figure work (revision) = reward (cash).

So it’s not that different to the reality of life. If you can afford to offer that type of encouragement just now.

I was also encouraged to save some. Which I did after buying shoes and bits and bobs I wanted.

Does she have any goals in life? What does she want to do after GCSE's?

Most people who get bad exam results and then can't get the sort of job that they want regret it.

My son didn’t buck his ideas up, (he’s the year ahead) he’d planned to for the actual exams but didn’t bother for the mocks, so of course his GCSE’s were obviously cancelled and he couldn’t study the course he wanted.
He’s had to do an extra year at college so please do warm her and perhaps get her to chat to a careers / course guidance counsellor as they really helped my son.

Don't let her flunk her mocks to prove a point, as others have said there might be no exams.
I would reduce the time right down. Make it - spend 30 mins to list what needs to be done. Spend 30 mins tomorrow on Maths, and another 30 on English. That's it for the day. Repeat next day with different subjects.
No 30 mins isn't really enough but doing something is always better than nothing, and it gets the habit going.

YANBU.

DS did next to nothing for his GCSES and refused all offers of help or support, even with organisational issues, like making sure all his notes were in his files. Luckily for him, he still came out with good GCSES, although far from fantastic.

Sometimes, they need to learn this lesson for themselves, hard as it is to stand back.

What are her target grades and current grades?

I gave my DD money when she was revising for exams, I didn't wait for the results but gave her it before the results came out for the effort that she had put in, I judged it based on her school report grades for effort.

All you can do is offer help and point out the possible consequences of not revising, you cant make her. If you think her reluctance is due to feeling overwhelmed then I'd try a bit harder to unpick that and support but ultimately it's her life, her education, her consequences.

Is she usually motivated or is this par for the course?

If she is normally motivated, do you think she might be depressed by ongoing events?

What is she spending her time doing instead of studying?

If she doesn't pass them, she can go to college next year and do them in a much better setting in a better situation

The college will be full of teens wanting resists. They’ll be massively reduced places as the select those most likely to pass.

Same with university’s who have upped the grades due to those having a gap year.

Oh God, that is so difficult. I'm wanting dd to fail at the moment, but she's year 7 and putting no effort in. At the end of the day, there's only so much you can do to help her, most of it is on her.

@CloudPop

Does she think the exams will get cancelled again and generous marks handed out? I think there is a lot of chat going on about this scenario amongst year 11s

I know exams had to be cancelled last time, but I think this has lead to the expectation a magic wand will be waved and everyone will get the grades they want.

Even if exams are cancelled this time, I don't think it will help her for her Alevels or whatever else she does.

I learned with my eldest that you need to let them fail so they realise what will happen, ideally before year 10. A bit late for this plan for a year 11 student but, as I found out, you can't do much about it. Mine did mess up, left school, got a job, realised that wasn't what he wanted, did A levels at night school and went to uni. Actions, or in this case lack of action, has consequences. We can't do it for them.

I see where you are coming from BUT- a whole generation of -5 year olds are currently doing this! It’s so hard to keep motivated when they’ve basically been off for a whole year. Due to enforced inactivity their brains have almost gone into hibernation mode. I am faking cheerful and enthusiastic each day, attempting to motivate them, buying revision books, pointing out cool young YouTubers who do revision stuff and attempting to bribe. It really sucks though. To see a bright, intelligent and usually highly motivated teen turn into a zombie has been one of the worst parts of 2020. Good luck with yours OP no judgement here

I dread this situation. I would try and have a calm chat and make sure she understands that if she puts in some effort she will have so many more avenues open to her. And if she really does fail them all then what is her plan?

Ultimately though she needs to realise herself and you can’t make her. My own parents bribed me with money per a-c grade which might be worth considering if you can afford it.

DS did nothing and got nothing, got enough to get into college and do photography. He was offered thousands, he is highly intelligent but so lazy it is not funny.

Thought he knew it all, only now can you see the realisation dawning on him, he never wanted to go to Uni, so DH and I have agreed between us that we will support him in studying and paying for courses but that we will not be paying for Uni as DH will be retired by then and whilst we won't be broke, we aint spending it on Uni fees, that ship has sailed.

This is exactly the same as my DD. She has everything, my support, revision guides, quiet space to study, tutors for core subjects - snd mocks when she goes back to school. And she just doesn’t revise. She says she is unmotivated and hates school, which I get at this horrible time. And you can’t put an old head on young shoulders so she can see how working hard will benefit her future.

She knows she wants to be a paramedic, has got on to her preferred BTEC health and social care course and is really looking forward to it - but still no revision.

It is reassuring to hear others are having the same issues. I think I just need to back off, but I find that so hard as I was a very motivated student and just did it. But deep down I know I can’t motivate her - only she can.

Dont count on her being able to go to college to re-do GCSEs. Generally, and with the exception of maths and English you get one shot at them. I still wouldnt force her but I would clearly explain the consequences.

Learning to manage your own time is equally important as the GCSEs. Leave her to it; she can always resit them if she needs to, and poor results are more likely to be overlooked this year.

Different people respond to different forms of encouragement, and, that applies to all ages and circumstances.

I was offered money on a sliding scale for an A B or C grade. That helped me. My kids asked for this as friends were getting money for results. I told them they were the ones who would benefit from good results not me so no idea why I should pay for results. By year 11 I think they need to understand that.

They did get a treat after exams and before results just because.

I told my Y11 he will get cash for every predicted grade he reaches. He told me he isn't motivated by money and will do it for himself. I was v pleased. But also, he knows EVERYTHING anyway so it will all be fine

I have now resigned myself to looking after his mental health by telling him I love and am proud of him, providing healthy meals and snacks, and telling him not to stay up too late.

I would really love to find him a cool role model doing a career DS would like but so far haven't managed that.

I think its a rare y11 that will let their mum help them revise.

I sympathise. My DS is exactly the same. And is very likely to scrape 4s instead of the predicted 7s and 8s. Nothing works to motivate him.

The only funded resits are maths and english. Other GCSEs need to be privately funded, and arranging exams can be a pain (though that depends on where you live).

Surely you just need to try a different tactic. Talk to her.

Find out what's going on in her mind. Ask her what she thinks you need to do, to support her. Tell her you can't sit by and do nothing, because it first sit well with your maternal duty.

Or you might need to do something else. Be harsh? Say this can't continue and from now on you are going to insist she does x hours per day/week.

Or any other tactic anyone else can suggest.

There's often a way.