To let her fail her GCSEs

[Newpuppymummy]

My 15 year old (y11) is doing basically no revision. She’s laying about doing whatever she wants despite all my best efforts to motivate and help her.

I have offered to sit with her, help make a written plan is, help test her r on things and she’s just not interested and resists everything.

Part of me feels like I want this more than her. I don’t know whether my best option is just to leave her to it and learn the lesson that you have to put work into things to get good results. This goes against my normal parenting strategies but I am at a loss with her.

I'm not surprised she has no motivation. So, work hard and revise for GCSEs (if they're not cancelled again). Get onto an A level course, work hard - then what? Try to get a job as an inexperienced 18 year old or get £50k in debt by going to university and watching Zoom lectures. Then try to get a job as a graduate in a recession.

Poor kids, they are all suffering so much. I sympathise with your situation but I totally understand why they can't be bothered to revise.

Does she know what she wants to do next year?

I am convinced that dc1 only revised English because he didn't want to redo English in y12. Not the best motivator but he scraped a 5 and I knew it was the best way to ensure he tried to pass that.

My kids also wanted to go to Sixth Form so they knew that there was a minimum number of grades that they needed- especially if they wanted to study at A-level.

Normally your dd would sit her mocks then realise that she should start studying because they aren't good enough for what she wants to do in the autumn. Even if you chained her to do the desk you can't make her study and even by some miracle you did then you're delaying the problem for later.

Could she be encouraged to revise her favourite /strongest subject? I suspect that July seems so long away to her so studying now seems insane and that she doesn't realise that people might pretend that they aren't studying to appear cool.

Op in in the same boat. Can't motivate kids through love not money. I'm backing off totally. I went through the tears, arguments, stress..... I've given up. It was too much of a stress on me. My daughter has self harmed in the past also so I've been on egg shells. I think the kids need time to grow up and learn the hard way.

@dayswithaY are you 15? Life being more difficult and more competitive is a reason to work harder, not slack off. The possibility of exams being cancelled in June makes it more important to do well in the mocks, not less.

There is a limit to opportunity. If the OPs dd doesnt want her share, someone else will surely take it.

I was an unmotivated little shit of a teen. My mum gave me a cash reward for exam results, the higher the result the higher the cash prize. It totally worked for me and by the time I got to A-levels I’d grown up a bit and could motivate myself. Please don’t give up on her, ask her what a good incentive might be and try and work around that. She’s still a child.

@dayswithaY

I'm not surprised she has no motivation. So, work hard and revise for GCSEs (if they're not cancelled again). Get onto an A level course, work hard - then what? Try to get a job as an inexperienced 18 year old or get £50k in debt by going to university and watching Zoom lectures. Then try to get a job as a graduate in a recession.

Poor kids, they are all suffering so much. I sympathise with your situation but I totally understand why they can't be bothered to revise.

I agree the outlook can be very disheartening. It’s easier for people that actually like to get good grades for personal challenge or satisfaction, and/or have a genuine intellectual curiosity about their work. If you are just doing it as a means to the next stage of education or work it’s still really important but more of a drag.

@ancientgran

I was offered money on a sliding scale for an A B or C grade. That helped me. My kids asked for this as friends were getting money for results. I told them they were the ones who would benefit from good results not me so no idea why I should pay for results. By year 11 I think they need to understand that.

They did get a treat after exams and before results just because.

Yes, I felt that my mother didn't care what I did or didn't do. and her saying similar, that it didn't make a difference to her, so why should she want to encourage pay me confirmed it.

Truth was, she really didn't. She wanted me to fail so I couldn't go to sixth form and would have to get a job.

Sadly I think you have got to let her fail. Assuming that she does not change her ideas or that the exams get cancelled.

Failing would mean getting less than a 4 and yes it is easy to find a sixth form that will let you resit maths and English if you got a 3 or below. However, it will be more difficult to resit other subjects as I don't believe there is funding for them.

Does she know what she wants to do after her GCSEs? Does she know the requirements for that course/apprenticeship/training?

Does she know that the bank of Mum and Dad isn't a forever thing? That at some stage she is expected to move out of your house and support herself. Does she know what jobs pay? Minimum wage sounds like a lot of money when you don't have rent/utility/food bills to pay. How much does it cost to rent or buy where you are? What holidays does she like? What if she cannot afford to go away on a holiday with her friends because she hasn't got the money?

This is the reality. My sons's school pushes choices, the more exams you pass and the higher grades you get the more choices you have over the next step or steps of your life. For those fucking around and not revising, those children revising are rubbing their hands with glee because come results day they will be the happy ones, not the ones changing their courses or crying because they have to resit maths for another year. It is a competition, not just within the school but across the country.

They are competing against children who haven't had their education disrupted much, those that had online lessons during lockdown, those children attending exclusive high fee schools like Eton.

Going into A levels with a lower grade say a 6 over a 9 for science subjects makes it so much harder, why make life hard for yourself?

You can go all out nuclear and turn off the wifi, get her to hand over her phone and sit with her to plan her revision or you can let her do okay and then watch as the next step becomes harder.

This is was my son did. I begged and pleaded for him to do some work and he just wouldn’t. Surprise surprise, he failed every GCSE. He had to do the foundation level last year and was supposed to be doing GCSE this year but I guess that’s gone tits up. Anyway, his fave when he realised he’d actually failed!! He couldn’t believe it. I think it’s what he needed sadly and maybe your DD needs the same short sharp shock.

@Porcupineintherough no, I'm not 15, but my DD is 16 and last year she had her GCSEs cancelled. I can remember being 15 though, and that feeling of apathy and hopelessness that I had then.

I think I was being sympathetic to anyone facing the uncertainty of GCSEs right now.

@CaMePlaitPas

Turn the Wifi off.

how do they access revision resources with no wifi? Revision is not just from books now you know?

The one thing that helps with my teens is talking about, and looking, at future options.

Oldest is dyslexic and does not learn very well from reading, he learns from “doing“, so GCSEs were tough. Now he is doing maths, FM and physics at A level as he hopes to study engineering. Knowing what he wants, following info from NASA, Elon Musk etc he wants to do mechanical engineering or aeronautical. Very competitive. Hard to get in. But it motivates him to try. Much more valuable than me nagging him.

The motivation should ideally come from within (not from mum)

Can you look at your daughter’s future options? What is she interested in, what would she like to do? What A levels of Btecs and what grades would she need?

Just nagging about revising isn’t always productive ime

Does she have any aspirations? What career does she want and which qualifications does she needs (obviously needs to pass GCSEs to do most jobs as well as applying for A levels, apprenticeships and university degrees).

Is she falling behind her predicted grades? If not, she could be revising but not spending as much time as other students would. I was very efficient with my time at school and university and didn’t spend as much time on studying as others (I got straight As and a first degree).

If she’s not doing any revision then maybe take away pocket money and encourage her to put her phone in a different room when she’s studying.

I'm sorry, I haven't read the full thread, but you don't 'let' her fail her GCSE's. It's up to her.

All you can do is let her know how important you think this is, ensure she knows you will provide any or all help she needs (or bribery and corruption), let her know that she stands or falls by her results, and it's her, and only her, that will be sitting those exams, and living with those exam results. And that exam results aren't the be all and end all, you'll love her and appreciate her regardless, but it's her future she is potentially limiting if she doesn't do her best.

Well, that's my take on it, anyways.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup Yes, I felt that my mother didn't care what I did or didn't do. and her saying similar, that it didn't make a difference to her, so why should she want to encourage pay me confirmed it. It is a shame that the only thing that you feel your mother could offer was money. I offered my kids all sorts of support but in no way did I think bribing them was helpful. I think 16 year olds are old enough to know that it is their future, I'd done my exams, had my career and they could see what qualifications meant. Personally I'd have felt a failure if I had to pay someone to make an effort in an exam but I guess we all value things in different ways.

I was happy to treat them to something nice to celebrate exams being over, I think if a child was disappointed with their results then not getting the bribe would feel like a punishment when the real punishment is they haven't got the qualification.

The one thing that comes over to me from reading all these posts (& having had two DCs go through it) is that maybe we are asking children (nb "children") to sit vitally important examinations too early. Many can do it and can self motivate (I couldn't) but many, and I suspect a majority, can't. The fault lies with the exam system and I wish I could figure out a solution.

I completely agree with posters who say intervene and support her. Make her do it. She will be grateful. It's been a hellish year for any pupil involved in external exams. And DC mature at very different stages at that age. DS1 needed zero intervention at GCSE. DS2 needed me to guide his every move.

It's easy for me to say you should let her fail and face up to the consequences of her actions. It's a tempting proposition when it turns into one long battle with a recalcitrant teenager.

But if it was my child (mine "sat" GCSEs last year), I would keep trying until they'd sat the exams. Rightly or wrongly. I'd hope that, at some point before or even after the exams, they saw the benefits of working hard to get good grades. As a parent, I think I'd always have some regret it if I didn't.

What I would say (and I say this as one who was GCSE last year, and has another who has begun her GCSE journey this year), is pick your moments for conversations about this. You'll know from your child, when they are most receptive to discussing in a constructive and positive fashion what they need, what they think they could do better, what help they'd like from you. . .

Labobo how do you think the OP should "make her" though?

I’m a teacher of this age group, so I sympathise. You’ve done all you can, it’s up to her now, she’s got to manage herself and her time. If she is academically weak and struggling she might be scared of failing and find it really hard, but from the sounds of it she just has no sense of urgency. Make it clear how important it is and that she runs the risk of limiting her life if she doesn’t get her finger out. That way she can’t turn round and say you weren’t interested/supportive. However, ultimately it’s her choice and you won’t be bailing her out. Welcome to the start of adult life. There’s an old saying ‘prepare the child for the road not the road for the child.’ You’ve done a great job, don’t beat yourself up. If she fails, she may come back to it when she’s more mature, plenty do .

I have the same issue. Mine is 100% sure that exams will take place, despite me saying never say never. As a result, she isnt doing much for the mocks. I realise they needed to know one way or the other but will be SO annoyed if they change on the exams issue now and she is marked on the mocks.

[quote ancientgran]**@NeverDropYourMoonCup* Yes, I felt that my mother didn't care what I did or didn't do. and her saying similar, that it didn't make a difference to her, so why should she want to encourage pay me confirmed it.* It is a shame that the only thing that you feel your mother could offer was money. I offered my kids all sorts of support but in no way did I think bribing them was helpful. I think 16 year olds are old enough to know that it is their future, I'd done my exams, had my career and they could see what qualifications meant. Personally I'd have felt a failure if I had to pay someone to make an effort in an exam but I guess we all value things in different ways.

I was happy to treat them to something nice to celebrate exams being over, I think if a child was disappointed with their results then not getting the bribe would feel like a punishment when the real punishment is they haven't got the qualification.[/quote]
Let's face it, she certainly wasn't in the habit of offering love, affection or encouragement any other way. If she'd have chucked fifty quid in my direction, I could have continued convincing myself that she did care in some sort of emotionally stunted manner (other than 'she isn't hitting me at the moment' at any rate actually because she'd realised I was taller than her ) rather than dealing with the realisation she genuinely didn't care and was actually hoping my exam results were worse than they were at only 4 A grades.

Wow so interesting to read all the different responses.

Money wouldn’t help here. She’s not motivated by money at all.

Of course I have talked to her about it a d discussed what will happen if she doesn’t revise. She’s not naturally academic. If she tried it would be 5/6 grades. If not she may well end up with 3s.

I do wonder if the people saying I need to make her revise/be stricter have teens themselves? I can’t make her revise...impossible. I’ve offered help and she doesn’t want it.

I think the pandemic has had a huge impact on her motivation. I’m not surprised I’m just sad for her that she won’t reach her potential