Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At a loss of what to do.. Please help x

77 replies

Anon2021x · 01/01/2021 08:27

I just need advice and different perspectives because I am just feeling so lonely in this situation.

I've been with my partner for 5 years almost, we have a young daughter and live together. When I met him it felt like we fell in love straight away and we were inseparable since, but since she was born its been well.. a complete sh*t show.

I don't know how to explain how lonely he makes me feel in this relationship. Examples of things that make me feel unvalued.. Not once in this whole year of 2020 have I had a lie in whilst he gets up with DD (I'm not exaggerating not even on my birthday). He doesn't cook very often, never washes up etc. I do all the cleaning and on top that he is always so angry about everything.

A few weeks ago, DD wanted to play something with him and he said no he was very tired so I ended up arguing with him because he was being unreasonable. He ended up going upstairs and punching several holes through a door which DD saw him do.

He never wants to do anything - even before this pandemic he would never suggest going out on a date night or anything. Never initiates being intimate, he has said before that he hates the weekends because he has to be at home and everyone's up early etc.

I feel like he resents us and the life he now has. I feel he has everything that alot of men would appreciate - our daughter is so wonderful, I'm a good person, I would do anything for my family. We have spoken about how I feel many a time and nothing has changed.

He shows he cares in other ways I suppose, if I needed him to get me from anywhere or if our daughter needed anything then he would drop everything. But I don't know if I've set my bar so low now that that sounds pathetic.

I'm so scared of the future alone, but I feel that maybe that's the best thing.

Can anyone offer any advice? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Sertchgi123 · 01/01/2021 08:32

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. 💐

Sort yourself out and make plans to leave this abusive, poor excuse for a human being, in 2021.

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/01/2021 08:32

YANBU, he sounds awful to live with and like a complete man child! How was he when you were pregnant/when your DD was a baby?

Henrysmycat · 01/01/2021 08:34

You are not unreasonable in the slightest.
Do your daughter a favour, it’s the least you can do as a mother for her; don’t allow her to see another man punching holes in walls. Your face or her face could be next. Get your finances in order and get out of there or kick him out ASAP.
He’s just not that into you or his family.
You both deserve better. Flowers

vintageyoda · 01/01/2021 08:35

Hi OP, sorry you're feeling so low. Although having children can put quite a strain on a relationship, your DH sounds like he has some real issues to deal with. Punching holes in things is not okay or normal. You should not accept that behaviour, it is hugely aggressive and should worry you.
If you believe there is enough good stuff to try and save the relationship then counselling for DH and then maybe as a couple ought to be agreed upon. Whatever happens, you have the right to set some ground rules for behaviour, such unchecked l, aggressive displays are not conducive to a good home life for your child.
Get your thoughts together, arrange a calm chat with him when your daughter is asleep / not with you and be prepared to draw a firm line where aggression is concerned. It is not acceptable in a healthy home life.

Calmandmeasured1 · 01/01/2021 08:38

I'm so scared of the future alone, but I feel that maybe that's the best thing.
If doesn't matter what the rest of your post states. The fact that you feel being without him is the best thing means that it probably is. Don't be scared. It is better to be alone than be with someone and unhappy.

Lotsachocolateplease · 01/01/2021 08:38

You need to decide if you’re scared more of a future with him if he carries on behaving like this or a future alone.
To me he sounds like a man who needs to grow up and realise he has a family to support emotionally however only he can do this, you can’t change him. Where has his anger come from? Punching doors is not normal behaviour- does he need to see a dr? Is he depressed?

Indecentobsession · 01/01/2021 08:39

He is resentful, whether it's you or something else idk. You say you've spoken about how you feel and I would have said to chat to see how he feels to dig deeper, but then read the puching holes in the walls!! This level of violence/anger is concerning especially as he was ok to do it front of his daughter. Yes, you need a plan to leave before this behaviour escalates. It is not acceptable at any time.

AlwaysCheddar · 01/01/2021 08:41

Being alone would be better for you, and safer for you and your dd. Leave.

SeraphinaDombegh · 01/01/2021 08:42

You're being treated like shit. Please don't allow it any longer. You deserve better than this, and your daughter deserves to live in a home where she doesn't fear an adult's tantrums and lack of interest. New year, new start - get rid of him.

SuperHighway · 01/01/2021 08:44

I think you would be much happier away from this man. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. This is who he is, he won't change into a loving caring partner, so can you really live like this longterm?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 01/01/2021 08:45

Is he a husband or partner? Who owns the house if you aren't married?

He sounds horrible and the punching holes is not reasonable or acceptable behaviour from anyone!

I hope you make 2021 the year you get rid of him and start a lovely safe life for you and DD.

zzizz · 01/01/2021 08:45

Op, some men become abusive after the woman gets pregnant. The hole-punching is not okay at all. The way he treats you is not acceptable and its no way to live. This is likely to escalate.

If you are able to, can I suggest you Google the free pdf of "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft? It'll give you some insights. Flowers

sparklefarts · 01/01/2021 08:46

. He ended up going upstairs and punching several holes through a door which DD saw him do.

Leave. Don't let this shit continue

Dee1975 · 01/01/2021 08:47

You are not BU. My DH was pretty rubbish when our DC was born. I felt very low for a long time and he didn’t help.
You say you have spoke but nothing changes. Maybe he isn’t taking how you feel seriously? It also sounds like he is feeling low too (rightly or wrongly). Maybe reach out to find out why is is acting and feeling the way he is.
I’m not in anyway sticking up for him. He is being shit to you. And punching holes in wall is not acceptable. But sometimes in order to save something you have to reach out. (Even though he should be!).
Was he like this before?

Thisisnotreallymyname · 01/01/2021 08:54

In a way you are alone now anyway.
Better to be properly alone, because it sounds like he contributes very little, except a bit of practical running around.
Then you can be alone, at least on your own terms x

MondeoFan · 01/01/2021 08:55

Is he stressed about anything in particular? Like work?
Did you notice he had a bad temper when you first met him?

Original poster
Anon2021x · 01/01/2021 08:59

Thank you all for your responses.

I don't know when he changed really it was so subtle, just after DD was born probably.

I've talked about this, several several times with him. We've had arguments where I've packed his things, yet he hasn't gone. When he punched in the door, I threatened to call the police unless he left, he broke down, I broke down said I couldn't do this anymore. He became more helpful for a day..

He has said things before when he's annoyed like "god you make me want to punch you" sometimes. Or if I've brought things up that we have spoken about he says things like "oh here we go.." "it's always about you isn't it, nothing is about you anymore" "you're such a boring c*nt". Normally when I'm trying to talk about being exhausted/feeling overwhelmed/him not making me feel loved.

Naively, I don't think he would ever physically hurt me, but maybe I'm just being stupid thinking that.

I will add, he doesn't drink, he doesn't go out much with friends he's not that kind of guy. I don't think the person I fell in love with is who he actually is. I think this is who he is.

We rent the house we are in, I could manage to pay the rent/bills/childcare if I had to. My job allows me to be close to DDs nursery so no issues with pick up drop off.

OP posts:
FestiveStuffing · 01/01/2021 09:04

At the very least, ground rules are needed here. Punching walls etc is a choice and there's no excuse for it in adult- it's akin to a toddler tantrum and the one ex I had who did this was a truly pathetic little man who was doing it in an attempt to intimidate me. If you're scared of him, leave immediately. If you think the relationship is salvageable, I'd be having a very frank conversation and telling him what you expect. Lay some ground rules and be prepared to walk if he crosses them again.

SofiaMichelle · 01/01/2021 09:04

YANBU.

Unfortunately meeting someone and 'falling in love straight away' is not necessarily a recipe for a happy future.

In that circumstance it would be easy to overlook the traits that make someone the wrong choice to have a family and a future with, in favour them being good looking, or funny, or whatever - none of which indicates that they'll be a good parent and partner.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 01/01/2021 09:06

Naively, I don't think he would ever physically hurt me, but maybe I'm just being stupid thinking that

He has punched holes and verbally told you he feels like punching you. He may not go straight to a punch, might be a shove or grabbing you, but he will escalate.

You know yourself that this is who he is, a violent man who does not care how you feel. I'd make some sort of record of his actions and flag with non-emergency police so that if you have to call them there will already be a trail. There will be other posters with much more advice on how to do this and how to protect your DD, she really doesn't need this man in her life.

KatherineJaneway · 01/01/2021 09:22

I think this is who he is.

For whatever reason, he does not want to be a good partner or a father. That's clear from his actions. To be honest, from where I am sitting, going it alone sounds far better than being with a man who punches holes in doors in from of your dc and barely lifts a finger to help you.

Livelovebehappy · 01/01/2021 09:27

So many posts today from people unhappy with dp/DH. Sounds like you are in a good position in that you can cope financially without him. I think you should at least have a trial separation. This will give you chance to have space to decide what you want. And him. Things can’t go on as they are, and he needs to understand that. Sounds like he has a lot of pent-up anger and resentment. It’s a toxic environment for your dd. Read your post back op, as if you’re reading someone else’s post - wouldn’t you tell that person to get out of the relationship?

candle18 · 01/01/2021 09:29

YANBU, it sounds like you would be less lonely on your own as it’s horrible living with someone but not feeling close to them. Could you tell him you are serious this time, you’re not happy and if he won’t change then he has to move out. Would you consider relationship counselling? Do you think he could be depressed or have any other mental health issue?

Original poster
Anon2021x · 01/01/2021 09:44

That's exactly how I feel alot of the time, I think to myself would I really feel less lonely if he wasn't here.

He has said no to counselling when I've mentioned it before because I've always said that I don't understand where his anger comes from. His response has been that he'd rather split up than go to counselling.

I can't explain how heartbroken I feel for myself, for my daughter. I am utterly worn down.

OP posts:
MoreLikeThis · 01/01/2021 09:46

I don't think you have any choice but to leave. It's ok for you to chose to put up with him but it's not ok to chose to raise your daughter in a home where there is someone who is so angry and unpleasant. It might wreck her MH. She needs to live is a happy home filled with love.

He doesn't sound like the type who will be chasing full custody.

Swipe left for the next trending thread